5 years gone by and still i mourn
2001......5 years ago....the most devistating and yet eye-opening thing that could ever happen to me. I was young and, of course @ 16, in love. A beauty that showed his obvious non-american heritage,a beauty that was created from inside from years of self-torture, a beauty that led to death. Give me 12 hours more of freedom; give me these innocent, childish, niave 16 years to reminisce about all the good times I ever had, all the friends made (forget the times they left), and the joy of a thousand Christmas mornings before I must open the curtain and see the black veil, covering what I've missed for the past 1825 days of my life; everyday lived with a certain knowledge that you've prematurely lost something.
I remember the cop behind me; me thinking, "mother fucker better not try and pull me over." Next time I saw that cop he was attempting to gather information about my recently deceased boyfriend. I remember the voice mail on my pager @ 12:16 and those words, "I'm cold, you can come see me in {extracted person's name here}'s garage." The drive over, the walk around the corner, the suprise at suddenly how tall my boyfriend was and then the relization that it wasn't some crazy growth spirt and the truth about what was actually being seen.
I recall the confusion in everyone's voice; the 911 operator, the cop, {the same person's name extracted}, the sister, the mom, my mom....everyone. The street being cold and the night being rainy. The tears being pulled out by some outside life force that I couldn't control. Then the most real thing i ever could have thought to happen and then life started running at such high speeds I couldn't phathom what was transpiring,
Isolation. Laying on a cold street with cops surrounding you and lights flashing. I can take myself back to the very instant i felt "it". He was dead and whoever said whatever, my knowledge if events will never remove all guilt, will never make things ok; I'll never be at peace with what happened. When you have that much emotion and feeling running through you there's nothing else to do than feel.
i miss him....i cry, but i know that those tears and any future ones that are shed will never bring anything anywhere than it all ready has gone. i see him in my dreams and more recently while i am awake. it scares me to know that this much pain can exist for so long and still, nothing is resolved.
I'm thankful for what has happened to me, for what i have gone through. I have become someone who know whats its like to live and never love again. While I wish no one to ever experience the pain of what i have whitnessed i'm glad that it happened to me. my appreciation is sincere, true and real. I feel things over and over again as if for the first time. we may not know what will happen to us but we do know what is happening to us and unless we decide to feel and make choices to be content with that then life is all for null.
may you all find something in this for yourself. my greatest gift is that i can teach; others can, will and have learned from my life. Those that haven't.....i don't know what to tell you. Every day is your last but your life is never over.5
I remember the cop behind me; me thinking, "mother fucker better not try and pull me over." Next time I saw that cop he was attempting to gather information about my recently deceased boyfriend. I remember the voice mail on my pager @ 12:16 and those words, "I'm cold, you can come see me in {extracted person's name here}'s garage." The drive over, the walk around the corner, the suprise at suddenly how tall my boyfriend was and then the relization that it wasn't some crazy growth spirt and the truth about what was actually being seen.
I recall the confusion in everyone's voice; the 911 operator, the cop, {the same person's name extracted}, the sister, the mom, my mom....everyone. The street being cold and the night being rainy. The tears being pulled out by some outside life force that I couldn't control. Then the most real thing i ever could have thought to happen and then life started running at such high speeds I couldn't phathom what was transpiring,
Isolation. Laying on a cold street with cops surrounding you and lights flashing. I can take myself back to the very instant i felt "it". He was dead and whoever said whatever, my knowledge if events will never remove all guilt, will never make things ok; I'll never be at peace with what happened. When you have that much emotion and feeling running through you there's nothing else to do than feel.
i miss him....i cry, but i know that those tears and any future ones that are shed will never bring anything anywhere than it all ready has gone. i see him in my dreams and more recently while i am awake. it scares me to know that this much pain can exist for so long and still, nothing is resolved.
I'm thankful for what has happened to me, for what i have gone through. I have become someone who know whats its like to live and never love again. While I wish no one to ever experience the pain of what i have whitnessed i'm glad that it happened to me. my appreciation is sincere, true and real. I feel things over and over again as if for the first time. we may not know what will happen to us but we do know what is happening to us and unless we decide to feel and make choices to be content with that then life is all for null.
may you all find something in this for yourself. my greatest gift is that i can teach; others can, will and have learned from my life. Those that haven't.....i don't know what to tell you. Every day is your last but your life is never over.5