Fic: Movie Logic, part one
Title: Movie Logic, part one
Author: tawg
Rating: PG (language)
Word count: 12,000
Pairings/characters: Sam/Castiel, practically everyone.
Summary: Castiel doesn’t know how to declare his feelings to Sam. Enter a RomCom movie marathon, consortiums with angels and demons, a few fangasms and the world’s shortest roadtrip.
Notes: A long, long time ago I saw a prompt for something to do with Sassy and Cas watching Julia Roberts movies. Whoever posted that prompt, thank you for a most persistent plot bunny. This fic is set in season six Christie time - that magical gap between bad things happening in which everyone has free time and the drinks are cheap. Be warned, some large images lurk beneath.
Castiel appeared in the large white room and did his best to look casual, a look that did not come naturally to him. Balthazar ignored him, sitting at the piano in what had been a cheerful discotheque in his small mansion, and for a long while the two angels existed beside one another in silence.
“I need your help,” Castiel said at last.
“What an absolute and total shock,” Balthazar replied. “Completely unprecedented event.” Castiel stared at Balthazar, and eventually the other angel shifted his shoulders awkwardly before turning on his seat. “Okay, what do you want?”
“You have a greater understanding of humans than I do.”
“No I don’t, I hate the apes. You’re the one going native.”
“You have an... intimate knowledge.”
“Ah... Ah, I see. So our little Castiel has decided to become a man? I’ll call the local whorehouses and buy some stocks in lube.” Castiel looked down at his feet. “What? Do you need some diagrams? Some pointers? A helping hand, perhaps?”
“I don’t want... Not like that.” He looked up at Balthazar with the big blue eyes of his vessel.
“Oh no,” Balthazar said. “There aren’t feelings involved? Yuck, no. I’m not getting involved in that. Go talk to a cupid.”
“A cupid will not help if there is no bloodline to continue. Also,” Castiel shifted a little guiltily. “Also, they don’t like me very much.”
Balthazar frowned. “They’re cupids. They like everybody.”
“They don’t like the notion of free will.”
“Ah, yes, that would rather put them out on the curb.”
“Also, they say that I am not good at hugging.”
“What?”
“I was likened to an awkward rosebush.”
“That’s oddly fitting.”
“You’re laughing at me.”
“Yes, but because you’re my friend I’m mainly doing it on the inside. Just give me a few moments to write your new classification on toilet walls across the galaxy.” Castiel frowned, and Balthazar forced the grin from his face. “No, see? I’m being totally serious about this.” He patted the piano bench. “Come on. Take a seat and tell Uncky Balthazar all about it.”
Castiel slumped unceremoniously beside Balthazar, his forearms resting on his knees. “There is a human that I... care for. Usually, it would be unwise for me to even consider such a distraction. But with Raphael occupied with peace talks with the old gods-”
“I thought people only got sent to the UN when their actors asked for pay rises.”
“What?”
“Don’t you watch Saturday morning-? No, of course you don’t. Carry on.”
Castiel gave Balthazar a long look, as if testing his resolve to stay quiet. Balthazar gave him what he was sure was a charming smile in response. “But with Raphael occupied,” he continued, “now seems like the most opportune time to declare my affections. Possibly the only time.”
“Well, it can’t be that hard. Take Dean out, get him drunk and then shove your... Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Why would I need to get Dean drunk?”
“To make it easier to declare your affections and screw his brains out.”
“I have no intention of declaring myself to Dean.”
“You don’t?” Balthazar was stumped. “What other humans do you even know?”
“Sam.”
“Sam?”
“Sam.”
“Sam as in, a million feet tall, started the apocalypse, Lucifer’s vessel, freshly re-soul’d? That Sam?”
Castiel nodded. “Sam.”
Balthazar raised his eyebrows. “I’ll admit, I didn’t see that one coming. You never were one to take the easy option.”
“Will you help me?”
Balthazar considered the situation, the idea of Castiel harbouring deep feelings for Sam Winchester. Writing them down in his diary as he lay on his stomach in bed each night, idly kicking his heels in the air. It was hard to imagine, but Balthazar was pretty dedicated to his examination of the scenario. “Are you sure it’s not just bleeding through from Dean? Tongues are still wagging over the bond you two share.”
“I did consider that,” Castiel admitted. “But after examining the feelings... this is not a brotherly love.”
“... Are you sure it’s not Dean’s?”
~*~
The problem was that neither angel knew a great deal about complicated, icky human relationships. In Heaven, relationships were kept purely professional. It was a little boring, but a lot simpler. The general rule was, “If you must indulge in carnal needs, for dad’s sake don’t do it up here.”
“It’s a shame Anael isn’t about. An angel of Love and Lust would be a help right about now.”
“If she were still around, Sam would be dead and his ashes scattered across the cosmos.”
“It would make the more interesting elements of your relationship difficult.”
Castiel didn’t meet Balthazar’s eyes. “I was intending on holding his hand.”
“Of course you were. Point remains, we need to know what we’re dealing with, and the easiest solution is to go right to the root of the problem.” Balthazar vanished with a smug look on his face, and Castiel darted off after him in a flurry.
~*~
Balthazar had just beaten him to the Winchesters, though to the human eye they appeared at the same time.
“Haven’t you guys heard of knocking?” Dean groused, sitting up in bed and barely awake. Balthazar reached out and rapped on his scalp three times, causing Dean to flail and cuss.
“Cute, very cute,” he spat out. “What do you want?”
“Assistance,” Balthazar said grandly, “in the subject of romance.”
Dean looked from Balthazar, who was smiling like a student who was about to be handed the answers to the end of year exam, to Castiel, who was cringing beside him. “Romance,” he said flatly.
“Yes, you see, angels aren’t really big on romance. We’re more wham-bam-‘evenin’ ladies’ when it comes to relations. Not big on sticking around.”
“Yeah,” Dean agreed. “You do tend to turn tail after you have what you came for.” Castiel was staring at the ceiling like he was in the Sistine Chapel, so intent was he on not meeting anyone’s eyes. “Why do you two need to know anything about romance?”
“An angel is setting out to seduce a human,” Balthazar said plainly. “We need to know how he would go about it. The tricks to it.”
Dean frowned. “Why would an angel need to seduce a human? Much as I hate it, you guys have got dirtier and easier ways of getting someone to cooperate.”
Balthazar clicked his fingers near the knot of Castiel’s tie, and he reluctantly tore his eyes from the ceiling. “Consent is important. For his purposes,” he shifted uncomfortably, “there would need to be real affection.”
Dean narrowed his eyes at the angels. “And why is this douche setting out to get a human’s affection?”
Castiel and Balthazar shared a look. “The human is an important vessel,” Castiel said at last.
“Very important that Heaven doesn’t get to have their way with this person,” Balthazar continued.
Dean focused his stare on Castiel. “Is there something you’re not telling me?”
“Many things,” Castiel replied.
Dean huffed a sigh of defeat. “I don’t know that we’d even be much help to you. Sammy and me only have one serious relationship each. He’s ended in a fire, and I’ve got no idea how mine even worked.” Castiel’s shoulders slumped, and Dean shrugged at him. “Sorry. It’s just one of those things. Sometimes people work together, sometimes they don’t. No real reason why.”
Sam came out of the bathroom them, his shirt over one shoulder and his toothbrush still in his mouth. “Hey,” he said. “What’s the problem this time?”
Dean rolled his eyes at Sam, though it was an amused look. “You got any idea where these two can get a crash course on how to sweep a human off her feet?” He waved a hand at Sam’s raised eyebrows. “Apocalypse stuff. Stopping some angel from getting a girlfriend, I don’t know.”
Sam thought about it for a moment before shrugging. When he spoke, a stream of toothpaste foam and spit ran down his chin. “A Julia Roberts movie?” he suggested.
Cas and Balthazar exchanged a look, and they were gone.
“I can’t believe you just told two angels of the Lord to go and watch Julia Roberts movies.”
Sam spat in the sink. “It’s a better lead than getting them to watch porn.”
“Angels watching porn is just creepy.”
“You should stop encouraging them to do it then.”
“Yeah,” Dean stared into the distance with a happy smile on his face. “I should probably stop doing a lot of things.”
“If you’re touching yourself under those blankets, I’m peeing in your shoes.”
~*~
“Come on,” Balthazar said, leading Castiel through his humble castle. “I have no idea where most of these doors lead, but there must be a DVD player around here somewhere.”
Castiel trailed after him, feeling continents shift beneath him as he stepped into a bedsit in Amsterdam, a balcony room in the Greek Islands, and - for some reason - a New York subway. “These portals...”
“I know, they’re brilliant. I have no idea whose house I stumbled upon, but they certainly took their fire exits seriously.”
“So you just happened to come across a house that has escape routes spanning the globe, and it didn’t occur to you to find out whose property you were trespassing in?”
Balthazar shrugged. “It’s abandoned. Some of the portals have even started crumbling. Besides,” he said, tossing a door open, “if the owner were still of this plane, I’d’ve seen some trace of the fine character by now.”
Balthazar stepped into what looked like a dull apartment that had been decorated with a nostalgia for the seventies. The air around him twanged, and Castiel threw his arm up to shield himself from the bright light that flooded the room. When it faded, they were not alone.
Balthazar had his sword in hand as he faced Gabriel. “Weren’t you dead?”
Gabriel looked Balthazar up and down. “Weren’t you a horse? Wait, that’s right, what happens in Scandinavia in the fourteenth century stays in Scandinavia.”
“How are you alive?” Castiel asked.
Gabriel gave him a look. “It helps if you don’t die in the first place. Fake your death, and hide until it all blows over. I was hoping to get a few more centuries in,” he turned and frowned at Balthazar, “but it looks like I need to lay out some mouse traps.”
“How do we know it’s you?” Balthazar asked, raising his sword just a little.
“How do I know it’s you?” Gabriel shot back. “Stamp your hoof twice for yes.”
Castiel pressed Balthazar’s arm down. “We have more pressing concerns,” he reminded his brother.
“This isn’t more end of the world stuff, is it?” Gabriel asked as he dusted his clothes off. “I was hoping to miss all that completely.”
“It is something far more serious,” Castiel told him gravely.
Balthazar clapped a supportive hand on Castiel’s shoulder. “We’re trying to get him a date.”
Gabriel paused in trying to snap ash off his shoulders. “You’re kidding, right? Let me rustle up a credit card and I can get you a date this evening.”
“Oh no,” Balthazar said. “We couldn’t possibly have any kind of easy solution.”
“I already have a person I wish to pursue,” Castiel said.
“Is it Dean Winchester?” Gabriel asked. “Because no one will be surprised. And I may have some money riding on the matter, if Saaphiel is still around.”
“It is not Dean,” Castiel replied. “It is his brother, Samuel.”
Gabriel froze in place for a long moment, before his mouth started twitching, as if he were repressing a smile. “Oh,” he said, “there is no way you two are cutting me out of this scheme. I clearly came back to life at the time my services were needed most.”
“We were about to watch Julia Roberts movies,” Castiel told him. “For research purposes.”
Gabriel shrugged. “Hey, whatever floats your boat. But I’ve got the popcorn covered.”
~*~
“I’m telling you,” Gabriel said, and had been saying since ‘Mystic Pizza’ began, “forget making reality like a movie. Just drop Sammy-boy in a flick, you can follow him, and he’ll figure it out from there.” He paused to pat his pockets absently, and then went through the drawer of the end table with a distracted air.
“It’s too much effort,” Balthazar shot back, as he had been rebutting since the opening credits. “You stick humans in a fantasy and it all goes fine right up until the fantasy ends. Then he’ll be back to where he started.” He and Castiel were sitting on the floor in front of the coffee table, the best position for pawing through Gabriel’s DVD collection and manning the player. Balthazar was twisted around to glare at Gabriel, one elbow propped on the table amongst spilled skittles and skin mags.
“It’s a great plan,” Gabriel insisted, pulling out old TV Guides and an empty chip packet. “I do this to them all the time.”
“And exactly how often have these elaborate schemes of yours actually worked?”
Gabriel paused for a moment. “Third time lucky?” he finally suggested. “Look, it at least gets the point into their thick heads. After that, they’re only going to make their own minds up anyway.” He started poking through the leaves of a sick looking pot plant on the long table behind the couch.
“What the hell are you doing?” Balthazar finally snapped.
“I don’t know,” Gabriel replied, frowning. “There was something I meant to do when I got back, but I can’t remember what it is. Cas knows what’s it’s like. You die a few times and it takes a while for the screws to settle back into place.”
“You’ve always had a screw loose,” Balthazar muttered.
“So it is not just a matter of expressing my intentions to Sam,” Castile said, having turned to watch his brothers bicker. “I must also prompt him to respond?”
“Oh yeah,” Gabriel replied, lifting a cushion off the couch and peering beneath it. “I mean, this is them, and you’re you. They don’t like moving out of their comfort zones. And you’re not exactly an easy transition. Sam’s type is typically pretty girls with short life spans. You’re out three for three.”
Balthazar narrowed his eyes. “And how exactly is it that you know so much about Sam Winchester?”
Gabriel looked up with a smirk. “Everyone’s got to have a hobby,” he said.
Castiel frowned. “How do I convince Sam to love me in return?”
“What do you think we’re watching these movies for?” Balthazar asked. “It’s all people falling in love and out of love and off cliffs.”
“Really?” Castiel asked.
“Well, maybe not the cliffs. But we can bloody well hope.”
“Aha!” Gabriel exclaimed, his hand shoved down the back of the couch. “I knew I’d put him somewhere safe!” He pulled out a glass ball, filled with black smoke, and flourished it triumphantly before smashing it on the end table.
Balthazar looked at Gabriel in horror. “Please tell me you didn’t just release a demon into your living room.”
“Not just any demon,” Crowley said, straightening his tie as he materialised. “Though it may be a moment before I get my old office back.” He turned to Gabriel and frowned. “You took your time following through.”
“Sorry,” Gabriel said with a shrug, “I got distracted.” Crowley harrumphed, but he held out his hand, and Gabriel shook it, and the room crackled with energy for a brief moment. “Pleasure doing business,” Crowley said, flexing his fingers.
“Same time next apocalypse?” Gabriel asked with a smirk.
Balthazar looked at Gabriel with reproach, though Castiel showed a complete lack of surprise. “You put the fate of your life in the hands of a demon?”
“To be fair,” Gabriel replied, “he was dumb enough to put his life in my hands in return.”
“What can I say?” Crowley said with a sour look. “The hardest sales require a little compromise.”
Castiel looked at Crowley thoughtfully. “Compromise,” he repeated.
“Oh no,” Balthazar said. “You cannot be thinking that.”
“He is,” Gabriel said. He looked up and added in a stage whisper, “Angels. We can tell these things.”
Castiel looked up at Crowley gravely. “We could use your assistance,” he said in a voice that predicted trials and tribulations.
Crowley looked down his nose at the angel. “You killed me,” he said flatly.
There was a pause as Castiel considered the hitch in their working relationship. “I would be willing to apologise,” he finally offered.
“No,” Crowley said. “Not a chance. Not a chance in Hell. You think I’m ever going to rely on a bunch of cloud-headed angels again? Not on your goddamed, feather-dusted lives. Not even on my life. Hell could freeze over and I’d rather invest in a snuggie than consort with you blasted budgerigars.”
“We’re planning on fucking with Sam Winchester,” Gabriel said lazily.
Crowley conjured up a glass of scotch and sat on the free end of Gabriel’s couch. “When do we start?”
~*~
“You know,” Balthazar said as the credits to ‘Steel Magnolias’ rolled, “I’m starting to think that this is all just leading us further away from the goal here.”
“I don’t know,” Crowley replied, stretching his arms over his head. “I found that film quite cheerful. Nothing like soul-crushing heartbreak to pick you up.”
“The answer must be here,” Castiel said, staring at the cover of the DVD as if he could will the plastic into giving up the very secrets of romance. “Sam would not have recommended this body of work if it did not speak to him on some level.”
“Alrighty then,” Gabriel said, sticking a hand down the back of the couch in search of the remote. “Let’s see what ‘Pretty Woman’ has to offer.”
~*~
“Well,” Gabriel said as the movie ended. “That one is just filled with potential.”
“He already lives out of the Winchester’s pockets,” Crowley replied. “How is spending more time with them going to help?”
“Fine,” Gabriel said, stretching out and pushing Crowley a little further down the couch by means of a sock attack to his thigh. “We go to plan B - whore him out and wait for Sammy to see what he’s missing.”
They all paused to consider that plan, Balthazar considering it very intently indeed. “Could go a lot of ways,” he said at last.
“Does prostitution regularly lead to romance?” Castiel asked.
“No,” Crowley replied. “It’s more of a one-off kind of scenario.”
“Oh,” Castiel said, looking deflated.
“You’d probably get sex out of it,” Gabriel continued. “Sex is good.”
“Not the end game we’re aiming for here,” Balthazar replied. “Plus, I’ve heard about what relations with that boy does to one’s lifespan. Probably not advisable.”
“I have been resurrected several times,” Castiel said reproachfully.
“Really not the point here, darling.”
“Oh,” Crowley said, picking up the next case on the pile. “We’re up to ‘Flatliners’.”
Balthazar frowned. “That doesn’t sound like a romantic comedy.”
“‘Medical students begin to explore the realm of near death experiences, hoping for insights.’” Crowley read. “Something about past sins and physical manifestations of them.”
“It’s best to be thorough in conducting research,” Castiel said. “I don’t want to miss something important by excluding a text.”
Gabriel grinned. “Well, since the only time those boys can be honest about their feelings is when someone’s dying, this one definitely has some potential.”
Balthazar looked at Castiel and frowned. “We’re in way over our heads.”
Castiel nodded. “We need an expert.”
“I know a romance expert,” Gabriel said. “Well, a kind of romance. She’s also an expert with leather and candles. I have her card somewhere.”
“You’ll need better than that,” Crowley said, snatching the card from Gabriel and secreting it about his person. “What you need is an expert in Sam Winchester.”
“We’ve already tried the brother,” Balthazar said. “No luck. And who else is there?”
Castiel looked up from the DVD case. “There is the demon Ruby,” he said. “She had relevant relations with Sam.”
“Think she’d help?” Gabriel asked.
“Unlikely,” Castiel replied. “She died when the last seal was broken.”
Crowley looked like he was trying to suppress a smile. “Well,” he said, after significant poking from Gabriel. “Death is all a matter of perspective, as you well know.”
Castiel looked at Crowley hopefully.
“Wait a minute, or a whole millennia for that matter,” Balthazar cut in. “Do you really want to bring back a demon who turned your beau into a blood junkie, started the apocalypse, and just so happens to also be an ex-girlfriend?”
“It’s unlikely she’ll try to start the apocalypse again,” Castiel said.
“You lot started it anyway,” Crowley said, his lip curled.
“Oh, like your team wasn’t starting it at the exact same time,” Gabriel shot back.
“Can you resurrect her?” Castiel asked, turning his hopeful gaze onto Crowley.
The demon shifted in his seat. “Well, it can be done. Just yank her out before she dies. Do a sleight of hand so the boys don’t notice.” He looked at Gabriel and Balthazar. “I might need some juice to get there and back. And it’s most certainly going to cost you. She was a pest.”
Balthazar gave Crowley a cold look. “You really think we’re going to hand over some loose souls that we just happen to have lying around?”
But Gabriel was already digging around in his pockets. “No, wait, I’m sure I have one on me somewhere. What? You never know when one’s going to come in handy.” He was pulling trinkets out of his pockets: candy bars, business cards and bits of string, a yoyo, some teeth, and a collection of small glass bottles.
“Here we go,” he said, sorting through the glass bottles. He found a boiled sweet amongst them, and popped it into his mouth. “I’ve got some basic sinners, one or two virgins, a couple of dog souls-”
“Dogs?” Balthazar asked with a raised eyebrow.
“I like dogs,” Gabriel replied. “And, oh I forgot I had this. You want an in with the music industry?”
“We already have Taylor Swift,” Crowley replied with a smirk.
“Crud,” Gabriel replied. “I’ve been trying to off-load Snoop Dogg for years. Oh, and I’ve got some hunter blood. Not labeled though.”
“I’ll take the dogs and the blood,” Crowley said. “And the pop rocks.”
Gabriel made a face and looked ready to haggle, but he made the mistake of glancing in Castiel’s direction and got hit full force with the big blue puppy dog eyes of doom.
He sighed heavily. “Fine. But be nice to the pooches.”
“Back in a moment, ladies,” Crowley said with a smile, then he disappeared in a flash that wasn’t at all blinding.
“You know,” Balthazar said, “we could just leave him there.”
“You’re kidding, right?” Gabriel said, sitting up. “I gave him money for a burger run!”
Castiel sided with Gabriel. “Burgers would aid our research,” he said firmly.
“Fine,” Balthazar said, crossing his arms in a huff. “But they’d better still be warm when he gets back.”
“Come on,” Gabriel said, throwing a fluff-covered piece of candy at Castiel’s head. “Put the disc in. This one sounds good.”
~*~
“You started ‘Sleeping with the Enemy’ without me?” Crowley was past affronted and into pissed.
“You took your sweet time,” Gabriel shot back around a mouthful of popcorn. “Also, you’re not missing much. Double also, where the heck is my dinner?”
Crowley huffed a sigh and glared at Gabriel’s feet until the angel sulkily removed them from Crowley’s seat. Ruby, who was still shaking her hair out, peered around the room in surprise.
“Angels. You save me from certain death and then hand me over to angels? How is this an improvement?!”
“We’re marathoning Julia Roberts,” Gabriel said with a wide grin.
“Oh god,” Ruby said, sinking down into an arm chair. “This is hell.”
“Now now,” Crowley said. “You can be useful or I can put you back where you came from.”
“Fine,” Ruby said, slouched down in a sulk. “What is it you want from me?”
Castiel told her. And fifteen minutes later she was still laughing. Weak, trembling giggles as she gasped for breath.
“The sound track is really ruining this movie,” Balthazar said from around a bite of a McChicken burger.
“I think this movie is ruining the movie,” Gabriel replied, crinkling as he did from the sheer number of wrappers that littered him and his surrounds.
Ruby finally took one last, long breath, and slumped forwards. “Okay,” she said. “I’ll help. I can’t not help. This is going to be hilarious.”
“Good girl,” Crowley said. “Now, eat your dinner.” He’d gotten her and Castiel a Happy Meal to share. Cas got the burger, Ruby got the fries, and they passed the coke back and forwards as the movie built to a climax before missing the action completely due to eyeing each other off over the toy.
“Alright,” she said as the credits rolled. “Clearly you boys have been going about this all wrong. Not every Julia Roberts movie has the key to love, lust, and happily ever after. You need to be more discriminating. Look, what’s the next one on the pile?”
“‘Dying Young’,” Castiel read. “‘After she discovers that her boyfriend has betrayed her, Hilary O'Neil is looking for a new start and a new job. She begins to work as a private nurse for a young man suffering from blood cancer. They fall in love.’”
Ruby paused. “Well, I guess that one has potential.”
“We are not killing Castiel slowly,” Balthazar said firmly.
Crowley stretched his legs out and crossed his ankles as he rested his shoes on the coffee table. “Plus, do any of you really think that Dean Winchester will let his little brother play nurse to his angel?”
“We’d need to get Dean out of the picture,” Ruby agreed.
“I can do that,” Gabriel offered. “I’m really good at that.”
Castiel turned the idea over in his head. “I think Sam’s main concern would then be to find his brother,” he eventually said. “And I would not wish to cause him any distress.”
Ruby sighed, and tossed the DVD over her should. “Alright, what’s next?”
Balthazar ruled out ‘Hook’ as being too much of a departure from their normal lives, though Gabriel felt that it had potential.
“Does Peter Pan end up with Tinkerbell?” Castiel asked over their bickering.
“No,” Crowley answered. “He ends up with his wife.”
Castiel tossed the DVD over his shoulder. “Next.”
They ruled out ‘The Pelican Brief’ due to the lack of romantic material, and then spent twenty minutes debating the possible merits of ‘I Love Trouble before even putting it in the player.
“It does seem like a likely scenario,” Balthazar admitted.
“And it’ll be easy enough to put you two in a variety of dangerous situations,” Crowley agreed.
“Whacky,” Ruby corrected. “They need to be dangerous and whacky.”
“I’m not sure how that would differ from our regular lives,” Castiel said.
“Also, the whole premise is based on two characters having snappy banter,” Gabriel pointed out. “Sorry, bro, but you are not snappy anything.”
“I think we should just skip to the late nineties,” Ruby said, juggling cases in her hands. “Conspiracy, conspiracy, family drama.”
“You’re right,” Balthazar said, slumping back against the coffee table. “It’s all too familiar to them for any of it to work.”
They watched ‘My Best Friend’s Wedding’, and had to deal with Castiel’s heartbroken face.
“Look,” Balthazar said helplessly, “they don’t all end like this one. Hardly any of them. That’s the bleeding point of romantic comedies.”
“Yeah,” Ruby said in agreement. “This one was made as an antithesis to the genre, you know, make a movie of the fact that real life isn’t like the movies.”
Castiel looked down at his hands, and the Happy Meal Hello Kitty stamper held loosely in them. “So rather than success, I am more likely to be rejected and then forced to hang out with the cohort in my elaborate plot until the end of my days.”
Gabriel grinned cheerfully. “Hey, hanging out with us is going to be great fun,” he said. “Especially once we get the drinks flowing.”
Crowley looked at the three angels, and Ruby. “I’m not putting up with this for all eternity.”
Balthazar gave him a dry grin. “If it helps, angels have are coming with expiration dates these days.”
Gabriel shrugged. “Beats having no date at all. Right Cassie?”
Ruby snatched the Hello Kitty stamper out of Castiel’s hands, and threw it at Gabriel. “Come on,” she said. “Let’s skip to ‘Notting Hill’ already.”
At that moment, Castiel’s mobile rang. It was the default ringtone, and annoyingly chirpy. “It’s Dean,” he said, looking at the display. “I must go.” He was gone with a ruffle of feathers, leaving his entourage staring at the space where he had been sitting.
“Does he always drop what he’s doing when Dean whistles?” Gabriel asked.
“Yes,” Balthazar, Crowley and Ruby replied in unison.
“... I think we need to get Dean out of the picture.”
~*~
“Yes?”
Dean jumped as Castiel appeared behind him. “This angel seduction thing, it seems pretty weird. Is there anything else you want to tell us about it?”
“No,” Castiel replied, and disappeared.
“I told you it wouldn’t work,” Sam said from his seat in the Impala.
“I don’t care, there’s something funky going on there, and I really don’t like it when angels go around- argh!” Dean jumped again - and later would deny that he yelped like a scared dog - when Castiel appeared right in the path of his pacing.
“In romantic comedies, why is the best friend of the female lead a gay man?”
Dean took a step back from Castiel’s intent and vaguely perplexed gaze. “Uh, Sam, you want to field this one?”
Sam looked up from his laptop and rubbed at his forehead, trying to chase away eyestrain from reading a backlit screen in the shadow of the car. “Huh? It’s kind of a mix of reasons. Having the gay community represented without threatening the heteronormativity of mainstream romance movies. There’s also the trope that gay men are feminised, giving them an understanding of both masculine and feminine subcultures. They can understand and sympathise with the female lead while giving her inside information on guys.” Sam rolled his eyes as Dean gaped at him. “What? I took a popular culture course in my first year.”
Castiel nodded. “This trope of gay men, is it accurate?”
Dean pulled his ‘I don’t know’ face. “I’ve never really hung out with any gay dudes, much less asked them for dating advice.”
“There were those two guys at the convention,” Sam said.
“What, those freaking players or whatever?”
Castiel leaned forwards. “Their names?”
“One was Barnes,” Sam said. “Like Barnes and Noble.”
Dean snorted. “You are such a geek.”
“The other one started with a D, like Dean. David?”
“Delorean?” Dean suggested.
“Demian!” Sam exclaimed, looking proud of himself. “Demian and Barnes. But I really don’t think they-” Castiel was gone, and Sam let the sentence die in his throat.
“Is it just me, or is this getting weirder and weirder?”
Sam shrugged, and turned back to his laptop. “I think it’s cute.”
“Cute?”
“Yeah. I mean, Cas, his people skills aren’t great, you know? And he gets stuck with trying to figure out human relationships to stop the apocalypse?”
“That’s not cute, more like scarily incompetent.”
Sam allowed himself a smile as he went back to mooching on an unlocked wifi connection. “Well, yeah. But he takes everything so seriously. I mean, imagine what kind of lore an angel would go to in order to learn about this stuff.”
“Great, now I’ve got an image of him reading Cosmo magazine.”
“Mills and Boon novels.”
“‘Men are from Mars’- no, it’d be more like ‘Some Humans are metaphorically from Mars, other humans are inexplicably from Venus as improbable as it seems’.”
Sam snorted a laugh. “Yeah, exactly. It’s cute.”
~*~
Demian was unjamming his first photocopier of a day when a gravelly voice addressed him. “Are you Demian?” a scruffy guy in a trench coat asked him. “Reader of the Winchester gospels?”
Demian looked down to see if he was still wearing his pyjama shirt by mistake. No, even his replica of Dean’s amulet was hidden beneath his uniform polo shirt. “Yeah. How’d you know I was a fan?”
Castiel grabbed him by the shoulder, and the world jerked beneath his feet.
~*~
“Is it just me?” Gabriel asked when Castiel reappeared in his living room, two humans in tow, “or are Sam and Dean looking a little different?”
“This is Demian,” Castiel said, pushing the human who was uneasiest on his feet into a spare chair. “And this is Barnes. They are homosexuals.”
“What the hell just happened?” Barnes asked, sinking down onto the arm of the chair his boyfriend was sitting in and clutching to for dear life. “What happened?”
“You brought us gay best friends!” Ruby exclaimed, catching on before the rest. “I like it, getting a man’s perspective on the problem.” There was a chorus of objections from around the room, but Ruby waved them all off. “Please, the closest to an actual man in this room is Crowley, and he’s been dead for a very long time.”
“Still remember the basics,” Crowley replied tartly, one foot propped up on Gabriel’s coffee table.
“This isn’t happening,” Demian said. “No way is this happening.”
“You read the latest book, right? The one that got leaked?”
“It was a fake.”
“It didn’t read like a fake,” Barnes hissed. “And you were at the con, he talked for ages about angels and demons, and that’s freaking Crowley sitting over there.”
“It’s not real,” Demian insisted. He turned and gave Ruby and Crowley a stern look. “You’re not demons.” Ruby and Crowley blinked in unison, their eyes going black. Demian whimpered.
“You’re safe,” Castiel assured him. “We need your assistance.”
“Holy crap,” Barnes said, tugging on his boyfriend’s sleeve. “Crap, crap. Look at him. You know who that is?”
Demian frowned. “You are not Castiel.”
“Yes, I am,” Castiel replied. The human and angel stared at one another for a long moment, and Demian finally looked away, unable to match the angel’s unwavering gaze.
“Right,” he said. “Well. Glad we sorted that out.”
Barnes was frowning at Castiel. “That’s not a trench coat,” he said at last.
Castiel looked down at himself. “It’s an overcoat,” he said in agreement.
“Edland always wrote that it was a trench coat. Do you realise how much fan art there is out there that is wrong?”
Balthazar’s mouth quirked up at one corner. “Art? You mean little Castiel has a fan club?”
“I’m going to have to go and fix all of my sketches,” Barnes said.
“Your sketches are fine,” Demian said.
“I drew him with a trench coat, Dem! He is not wearing a trench coat!”
“The books said it was a trench! You’re still keeping true to the book canon.”
“I’m going to be writing an e-mail about this.”
“It’s a freaking coat.”
“I could take the coat off?” Castiel suggested. “Since it aggravates you.” Barnes sucked in a breath, and seemed to choke on it.
“No,” Demian said firmly. “No taking clothes off in front of my boyfriend. That’s my job.”
“And you’re not doing it in here,” Gabriel shot back.
Barnes looked up at Castiel, trying to drink in every detail of his face. “You said you needed our help?”
“Cas has decided he needs a boyfriend,” Ruby explained.
Barnes looked like he had died and gone to Heaven. Castiel didn’t notice. “The Julia Roberts texts that we have examined have suggested that homosexuals are an asset in any love match,” he explained.
“In short,” Crowley said. “We’re having no luck figuring out how to cram him together with the moose and apparently having some gays around will help the brainstorming process.”
“They are also familiar with the prophecies of Chuck,” Castiel told the group. “They may have insights that will help us.”
“Well, I mean, we’re fans,” Demian admitted. “But we’re not fanatics. Not like BlackKaz or Samlicker81. Especially not like Samlicker.”
“Hey, she’s alright, she organised the convention, and it’s thanks to her that the few extra books got printed. Edlund says so.”
“She’s a tinhat.” He turned to the small crowd of demons and angels. “She totally thinks that Sam and Dean are OTP.” There was no reaction. “You know, like, in love?” Still no reaction. “Hot gay man sex love?”
Gabriel blinked. “You mean they’re not?” Castiel shot him a dark look. “Look, we all agree that they have an unhealthy relationship, right? Right. All that dying for each other isn’t natural.”
“You wouldn’t die if your life depended on it,” Balthazar shot over his shoulder.
“My life regularly depends on me dying,” Gabriel shot back. “Just because you don’t have a knack for keeping your head down.”
“I was doing a fine job of it,” Balthazar said, dropping his head down in a sulk. Barnes was slowly reaching out to touch the cuff of Castiel’s coat, and recoiled as soon as the angel noticed him.
“So there is a greater expert on Sam and Dean?”
“I don’t know about expert,” Demian said. “I mean, she’ll twist anything to justify her head canon, and she keeps setting stories in her home town. But she knows the books backwards, I’ll give her that.”
“Her name?”
“Becky,” Barnes said. “Pine Creek, Delaware.” Castiel nodded at him and said a gruff thank you, and Barnes made a small noise high in his throat.
“You are such a fanboy,” Demian groused as Castiel disappeared.
“How many fandom tattoos do you have now?” Barnes sniped back.
Gabriel and Ruby shared a look. “These two are meant to help us hook Cas up?”
“Have faith in the gay,” Ruby said firmly. “All we need in some canapés and imported beer, and it’ll come through.”
Gabriel shrugged, and snapped his fingers.
~*~
To part two
Author: tawg
Rating: PG (language)
Word count: 12,000
Pairings/characters: Sam/Castiel, practically everyone.
Summary: Castiel doesn’t know how to declare his feelings to Sam. Enter a RomCom movie marathon, consortiums with angels and demons, a few fangasms and the world’s shortest roadtrip.
Notes: A long, long time ago I saw a prompt for something to do with Sassy and Cas watching Julia Roberts movies. Whoever posted that prompt, thank you for a most persistent plot bunny. This fic is set in season six Christie time - that magical gap between bad things happening in which everyone has free time and the drinks are cheap. Be warned, some large images lurk beneath.
Castiel appeared in the large white room and did his best to look casual, a look that did not come naturally to him. Balthazar ignored him, sitting at the piano in what had been a cheerful discotheque in his small mansion, and for a long while the two angels existed beside one another in silence.
“I need your help,” Castiel said at last.
“What an absolute and total shock,” Balthazar replied. “Completely unprecedented event.” Castiel stared at Balthazar, and eventually the other angel shifted his shoulders awkwardly before turning on his seat. “Okay, what do you want?”
“You have a greater understanding of humans than I do.”
“No I don’t, I hate the apes. You’re the one going native.”
“You have an... intimate knowledge.”
“Ah... Ah, I see. So our little Castiel has decided to become a man? I’ll call the local whorehouses and buy some stocks in lube.” Castiel looked down at his feet. “What? Do you need some diagrams? Some pointers? A helping hand, perhaps?”
“I don’t want... Not like that.” He looked up at Balthazar with the big blue eyes of his vessel.
“Oh no,” Balthazar said. “There aren’t feelings involved? Yuck, no. I’m not getting involved in that. Go talk to a cupid.”
“A cupid will not help if there is no bloodline to continue. Also,” Castiel shifted a little guiltily. “Also, they don’t like me very much.”
Balthazar frowned. “They’re cupids. They like everybody.”
“They don’t like the notion of free will.”
“Ah, yes, that would rather put them out on the curb.”
“Also, they say that I am not good at hugging.”
“What?”
“I was likened to an awkward rosebush.”
“That’s oddly fitting.”
“You’re laughing at me.”
“Yes, but because you’re my friend I’m mainly doing it on the inside. Just give me a few moments to write your new classification on toilet walls across the galaxy.” Castiel frowned, and Balthazar forced the grin from his face. “No, see? I’m being totally serious about this.” He patted the piano bench. “Come on. Take a seat and tell Uncky Balthazar all about it.”
Castiel slumped unceremoniously beside Balthazar, his forearms resting on his knees. “There is a human that I... care for. Usually, it would be unwise for me to even consider such a distraction. But with Raphael occupied with peace talks with the old gods-”
“I thought people only got sent to the UN when their actors asked for pay rises.”
“What?”
“Don’t you watch Saturday morning-? No, of course you don’t. Carry on.”
Castiel gave Balthazar a long look, as if testing his resolve to stay quiet. Balthazar gave him what he was sure was a charming smile in response. “But with Raphael occupied,” he continued, “now seems like the most opportune time to declare my affections. Possibly the only time.”
“Well, it can’t be that hard. Take Dean out, get him drunk and then shove your... Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Why would I need to get Dean drunk?”
“To make it easier to declare your affections and screw his brains out.”
“I have no intention of declaring myself to Dean.”
“You don’t?” Balthazar was stumped. “What other humans do you even know?”
“Sam.”
“Sam?”
“Sam.”
“Sam as in, a million feet tall, started the apocalypse, Lucifer’s vessel, freshly re-soul’d? That Sam?”
Castiel nodded. “Sam.”
Balthazar raised his eyebrows. “I’ll admit, I didn’t see that one coming. You never were one to take the easy option.”
“Will you help me?”
Balthazar considered the situation, the idea of Castiel harbouring deep feelings for Sam Winchester. Writing them down in his diary as he lay on his stomach in bed each night, idly kicking his heels in the air. It was hard to imagine, but Balthazar was pretty dedicated to his examination of the scenario. “Are you sure it’s not just bleeding through from Dean? Tongues are still wagging over the bond you two share.”
“I did consider that,” Castiel admitted. “But after examining the feelings... this is not a brotherly love.”
“... Are you sure it’s not Dean’s?”
~*~
The problem was that neither angel knew a great deal about complicated, icky human relationships. In Heaven, relationships were kept purely professional. It was a little boring, but a lot simpler. The general rule was, “If you must indulge in carnal needs, for dad’s sake don’t do it up here.”
“It’s a shame Anael isn’t about. An angel of Love and Lust would be a help right about now.”
“If she were still around, Sam would be dead and his ashes scattered across the cosmos.”
“It would make the more interesting elements of your relationship difficult.”
Castiel didn’t meet Balthazar’s eyes. “I was intending on holding his hand.”
“Of course you were. Point remains, we need to know what we’re dealing with, and the easiest solution is to go right to the root of the problem.” Balthazar vanished with a smug look on his face, and Castiel darted off after him in a flurry.
~*~
Balthazar had just beaten him to the Winchesters, though to the human eye they appeared at the same time.
“Haven’t you guys heard of knocking?” Dean groused, sitting up in bed and barely awake. Balthazar reached out and rapped on his scalp three times, causing Dean to flail and cuss.
“Cute, very cute,” he spat out. “What do you want?”
“Assistance,” Balthazar said grandly, “in the subject of romance.”
Dean looked from Balthazar, who was smiling like a student who was about to be handed the answers to the end of year exam, to Castiel, who was cringing beside him. “Romance,” he said flatly.
“Yes, you see, angels aren’t really big on romance. We’re more wham-bam-‘evenin’ ladies’ when it comes to relations. Not big on sticking around.”
“Yeah,” Dean agreed. “You do tend to turn tail after you have what you came for.” Castiel was staring at the ceiling like he was in the Sistine Chapel, so intent was he on not meeting anyone’s eyes. “Why do you two need to know anything about romance?”
“An angel is setting out to seduce a human,” Balthazar said plainly. “We need to know how he would go about it. The tricks to it.”
Dean frowned. “Why would an angel need to seduce a human? Much as I hate it, you guys have got dirtier and easier ways of getting someone to cooperate.”
Balthazar clicked his fingers near the knot of Castiel’s tie, and he reluctantly tore his eyes from the ceiling. “Consent is important. For his purposes,” he shifted uncomfortably, “there would need to be real affection.”
Dean narrowed his eyes at the angels. “And why is this douche setting out to get a human’s affection?”
Castiel and Balthazar shared a look. “The human is an important vessel,” Castiel said at last.
“Very important that Heaven doesn’t get to have their way with this person,” Balthazar continued.
Dean focused his stare on Castiel. “Is there something you’re not telling me?”
“Many things,” Castiel replied.
Dean huffed a sigh of defeat. “I don’t know that we’d even be much help to you. Sammy and me only have one serious relationship each. He’s ended in a fire, and I’ve got no idea how mine even worked.” Castiel’s shoulders slumped, and Dean shrugged at him. “Sorry. It’s just one of those things. Sometimes people work together, sometimes they don’t. No real reason why.”
Sam came out of the bathroom them, his shirt over one shoulder and his toothbrush still in his mouth. “Hey,” he said. “What’s the problem this time?”
Dean rolled his eyes at Sam, though it was an amused look. “You got any idea where these two can get a crash course on how to sweep a human off her feet?” He waved a hand at Sam’s raised eyebrows. “Apocalypse stuff. Stopping some angel from getting a girlfriend, I don’t know.”
Sam thought about it for a moment before shrugging. When he spoke, a stream of toothpaste foam and spit ran down his chin. “A Julia Roberts movie?” he suggested.
Cas and Balthazar exchanged a look, and they were gone.
“I can’t believe you just told two angels of the Lord to go and watch Julia Roberts movies.”
Sam spat in the sink. “It’s a better lead than getting them to watch porn.”
“Angels watching porn is just creepy.”
“You should stop encouraging them to do it then.”
“Yeah,” Dean stared into the distance with a happy smile on his face. “I should probably stop doing a lot of things.”
“If you’re touching yourself under those blankets, I’m peeing in your shoes.”
~*~
“Come on,” Balthazar said, leading Castiel through his humble castle. “I have no idea where most of these doors lead, but there must be a DVD player around here somewhere.”
Castiel trailed after him, feeling continents shift beneath him as he stepped into a bedsit in Amsterdam, a balcony room in the Greek Islands, and - for some reason - a New York subway. “These portals...”
“I know, they’re brilliant. I have no idea whose house I stumbled upon, but they certainly took their fire exits seriously.”
“So you just happened to come across a house that has escape routes spanning the globe, and it didn’t occur to you to find out whose property you were trespassing in?”
Balthazar shrugged. “It’s abandoned. Some of the portals have even started crumbling. Besides,” he said, tossing a door open, “if the owner were still of this plane, I’d’ve seen some trace of the fine character by now.”
Balthazar stepped into what looked like a dull apartment that had been decorated with a nostalgia for the seventies. The air around him twanged, and Castiel threw his arm up to shield himself from the bright light that flooded the room. When it faded, they were not alone.
Balthazar had his sword in hand as he faced Gabriel. “Weren’t you dead?”
Gabriel looked Balthazar up and down. “Weren’t you a horse? Wait, that’s right, what happens in Scandinavia in the fourteenth century stays in Scandinavia.”
“How are you alive?” Castiel asked.
Gabriel gave him a look. “It helps if you don’t die in the first place. Fake your death, and hide until it all blows over. I was hoping to get a few more centuries in,” he turned and frowned at Balthazar, “but it looks like I need to lay out some mouse traps.”
“How do we know it’s you?” Balthazar asked, raising his sword just a little.
“How do I know it’s you?” Gabriel shot back. “Stamp your hoof twice for yes.”
Castiel pressed Balthazar’s arm down. “We have more pressing concerns,” he reminded his brother.
“This isn’t more end of the world stuff, is it?” Gabriel asked as he dusted his clothes off. “I was hoping to miss all that completely.”
“It is something far more serious,” Castiel told him gravely.
Balthazar clapped a supportive hand on Castiel’s shoulder. “We’re trying to get him a date.”
Gabriel paused in trying to snap ash off his shoulders. “You’re kidding, right? Let me rustle up a credit card and I can get you a date this evening.”
“Oh no,” Balthazar said. “We couldn’t possibly have any kind of easy solution.”
“I already have a person I wish to pursue,” Castiel said.
“Is it Dean Winchester?” Gabriel asked. “Because no one will be surprised. And I may have some money riding on the matter, if Saaphiel is still around.”
“It is not Dean,” Castiel replied. “It is his brother, Samuel.”
Gabriel froze in place for a long moment, before his mouth started twitching, as if he were repressing a smile. “Oh,” he said, “there is no way you two are cutting me out of this scheme. I clearly came back to life at the time my services were needed most.”
“We were about to watch Julia Roberts movies,” Castiel told him. “For research purposes.”
Gabriel shrugged. “Hey, whatever floats your boat. But I’ve got the popcorn covered.”
~*~
“I’m telling you,” Gabriel said, and had been saying since ‘Mystic Pizza’ began, “forget making reality like a movie. Just drop Sammy-boy in a flick, you can follow him, and he’ll figure it out from there.” He paused to pat his pockets absently, and then went through the drawer of the end table with a distracted air.
“It’s too much effort,” Balthazar shot back, as he had been rebutting since the opening credits. “You stick humans in a fantasy and it all goes fine right up until the fantasy ends. Then he’ll be back to where he started.” He and Castiel were sitting on the floor in front of the coffee table, the best position for pawing through Gabriel’s DVD collection and manning the player. Balthazar was twisted around to glare at Gabriel, one elbow propped on the table amongst spilled skittles and skin mags.
“It’s a great plan,” Gabriel insisted, pulling out old TV Guides and an empty chip packet. “I do this to them all the time.”
“And exactly how often have these elaborate schemes of yours actually worked?”
Gabriel paused for a moment. “Third time lucky?” he finally suggested. “Look, it at least gets the point into their thick heads. After that, they’re only going to make their own minds up anyway.” He started poking through the leaves of a sick looking pot plant on the long table behind the couch.
“What the hell are you doing?” Balthazar finally snapped.
“I don’t know,” Gabriel replied, frowning. “There was something I meant to do when I got back, but I can’t remember what it is. Cas knows what’s it’s like. You die a few times and it takes a while for the screws to settle back into place.”
“You’ve always had a screw loose,” Balthazar muttered.
“So it is not just a matter of expressing my intentions to Sam,” Castile said, having turned to watch his brothers bicker. “I must also prompt him to respond?”
“Oh yeah,” Gabriel replied, lifting a cushion off the couch and peering beneath it. “I mean, this is them, and you’re you. They don’t like moving out of their comfort zones. And you’re not exactly an easy transition. Sam’s type is typically pretty girls with short life spans. You’re out three for three.”
Balthazar narrowed his eyes. “And how exactly is it that you know so much about Sam Winchester?”
Gabriel looked up with a smirk. “Everyone’s got to have a hobby,” he said.
Castiel frowned. “How do I convince Sam to love me in return?”
“What do you think we’re watching these movies for?” Balthazar asked. “It’s all people falling in love and out of love and off cliffs.”
“Really?” Castiel asked.
“Well, maybe not the cliffs. But we can bloody well hope.”
“Aha!” Gabriel exclaimed, his hand shoved down the back of the couch. “I knew I’d put him somewhere safe!” He pulled out a glass ball, filled with black smoke, and flourished it triumphantly before smashing it on the end table.
Balthazar looked at Gabriel in horror. “Please tell me you didn’t just release a demon into your living room.”
“Not just any demon,” Crowley said, straightening his tie as he materialised. “Though it may be a moment before I get my old office back.” He turned to Gabriel and frowned. “You took your time following through.”
“Sorry,” Gabriel said with a shrug, “I got distracted.” Crowley harrumphed, but he held out his hand, and Gabriel shook it, and the room crackled with energy for a brief moment. “Pleasure doing business,” Crowley said, flexing his fingers.
“Same time next apocalypse?” Gabriel asked with a smirk.
Balthazar looked at Gabriel with reproach, though Castiel showed a complete lack of surprise. “You put the fate of your life in the hands of a demon?”
“To be fair,” Gabriel replied, “he was dumb enough to put his life in my hands in return.”
“What can I say?” Crowley said with a sour look. “The hardest sales require a little compromise.”
Castiel looked at Crowley thoughtfully. “Compromise,” he repeated.
“Oh no,” Balthazar said. “You cannot be thinking that.”
“He is,” Gabriel said. He looked up and added in a stage whisper, “Angels. We can tell these things.”
Castiel looked up at Crowley gravely. “We could use your assistance,” he said in a voice that predicted trials and tribulations.
Crowley looked down his nose at the angel. “You killed me,” he said flatly.
There was a pause as Castiel considered the hitch in their working relationship. “I would be willing to apologise,” he finally offered.
“No,” Crowley said. “Not a chance. Not a chance in Hell. You think I’m ever going to rely on a bunch of cloud-headed angels again? Not on your goddamed, feather-dusted lives. Not even on my life. Hell could freeze over and I’d rather invest in a snuggie than consort with you blasted budgerigars.”
“We’re planning on fucking with Sam Winchester,” Gabriel said lazily.
Crowley conjured up a glass of scotch and sat on the free end of Gabriel’s couch. “When do we start?”
~*~
“You know,” Balthazar said as the credits to ‘Steel Magnolias’ rolled, “I’m starting to think that this is all just leading us further away from the goal here.”
“I don’t know,” Crowley replied, stretching his arms over his head. “I found that film quite cheerful. Nothing like soul-crushing heartbreak to pick you up.”
“The answer must be here,” Castiel said, staring at the cover of the DVD as if he could will the plastic into giving up the very secrets of romance. “Sam would not have recommended this body of work if it did not speak to him on some level.”
“Alrighty then,” Gabriel said, sticking a hand down the back of the couch in search of the remote. “Let’s see what ‘Pretty Woman’ has to offer.”
~*~
“Well,” Gabriel said as the movie ended. “That one is just filled with potential.”
“He already lives out of the Winchester’s pockets,” Crowley replied. “How is spending more time with them going to help?”
“Fine,” Gabriel said, stretching out and pushing Crowley a little further down the couch by means of a sock attack to his thigh. “We go to plan B - whore him out and wait for Sammy to see what he’s missing.”
They all paused to consider that plan, Balthazar considering it very intently indeed. “Could go a lot of ways,” he said at last.
“Does prostitution regularly lead to romance?” Castiel asked.
“No,” Crowley replied. “It’s more of a one-off kind of scenario.”
“Oh,” Castiel said, looking deflated.
“You’d probably get sex out of it,” Gabriel continued. “Sex is good.”
“Not the end game we’re aiming for here,” Balthazar replied. “Plus, I’ve heard about what relations with that boy does to one’s lifespan. Probably not advisable.”
“I have been resurrected several times,” Castiel said reproachfully.
“Really not the point here, darling.”
“Oh,” Crowley said, picking up the next case on the pile. “We’re up to ‘Flatliners’.”
Balthazar frowned. “That doesn’t sound like a romantic comedy.”
“‘Medical students begin to explore the realm of near death experiences, hoping for insights.’” Crowley read. “Something about past sins and physical manifestations of them.”
“It’s best to be thorough in conducting research,” Castiel said. “I don’t want to miss something important by excluding a text.”
Gabriel grinned. “Well, since the only time those boys can be honest about their feelings is when someone’s dying, this one definitely has some potential.”
Balthazar looked at Castiel and frowned. “We’re in way over our heads.”
Castiel nodded. “We need an expert.”
“I know a romance expert,” Gabriel said. “Well, a kind of romance. She’s also an expert with leather and candles. I have her card somewhere.”
“You’ll need better than that,” Crowley said, snatching the card from Gabriel and secreting it about his person. “What you need is an expert in Sam Winchester.”
“We’ve already tried the brother,” Balthazar said. “No luck. And who else is there?”
Castiel looked up from the DVD case. “There is the demon Ruby,” he said. “She had relevant relations with Sam.”
“Think she’d help?” Gabriel asked.
“Unlikely,” Castiel replied. “She died when the last seal was broken.”
Crowley looked like he was trying to suppress a smile. “Well,” he said, after significant poking from Gabriel. “Death is all a matter of perspective, as you well know.”
Castiel looked at Crowley hopefully.
“Wait a minute, or a whole millennia for that matter,” Balthazar cut in. “Do you really want to bring back a demon who turned your beau into a blood junkie, started the apocalypse, and just so happens to also be an ex-girlfriend?”
“It’s unlikely she’ll try to start the apocalypse again,” Castiel said.
“You lot started it anyway,” Crowley said, his lip curled.
“Oh, like your team wasn’t starting it at the exact same time,” Gabriel shot back.
“Can you resurrect her?” Castiel asked, turning his hopeful gaze onto Crowley.
The demon shifted in his seat. “Well, it can be done. Just yank her out before she dies. Do a sleight of hand so the boys don’t notice.” He looked at Gabriel and Balthazar. “I might need some juice to get there and back. And it’s most certainly going to cost you. She was a pest.”
Balthazar gave Crowley a cold look. “You really think we’re going to hand over some loose souls that we just happen to have lying around?”
But Gabriel was already digging around in his pockets. “No, wait, I’m sure I have one on me somewhere. What? You never know when one’s going to come in handy.” He was pulling trinkets out of his pockets: candy bars, business cards and bits of string, a yoyo, some teeth, and a collection of small glass bottles.
“Here we go,” he said, sorting through the glass bottles. He found a boiled sweet amongst them, and popped it into his mouth. “I’ve got some basic sinners, one or two virgins, a couple of dog souls-”
“Dogs?” Balthazar asked with a raised eyebrow.
“I like dogs,” Gabriel replied. “And, oh I forgot I had this. You want an in with the music industry?”
“We already have Taylor Swift,” Crowley replied with a smirk.
“Crud,” Gabriel replied. “I’ve been trying to off-load Snoop Dogg for years. Oh, and I’ve got some hunter blood. Not labeled though.”
“I’ll take the dogs and the blood,” Crowley said. “And the pop rocks.”
Gabriel made a face and looked ready to haggle, but he made the mistake of glancing in Castiel’s direction and got hit full force with the big blue puppy dog eyes of doom.
He sighed heavily. “Fine. But be nice to the pooches.”
“Back in a moment, ladies,” Crowley said with a smile, then he disappeared in a flash that wasn’t at all blinding.
“You know,” Balthazar said, “we could just leave him there.”
“You’re kidding, right?” Gabriel said, sitting up. “I gave him money for a burger run!”
Castiel sided with Gabriel. “Burgers would aid our research,” he said firmly.
“Fine,” Balthazar said, crossing his arms in a huff. “But they’d better still be warm when he gets back.”
“Come on,” Gabriel said, throwing a fluff-covered piece of candy at Castiel’s head. “Put the disc in. This one sounds good.”
~*~
“You started ‘Sleeping with the Enemy’ without me?” Crowley was past affronted and into pissed.
“You took your sweet time,” Gabriel shot back around a mouthful of popcorn. “Also, you’re not missing much. Double also, where the heck is my dinner?”
Crowley huffed a sigh and glared at Gabriel’s feet until the angel sulkily removed them from Crowley’s seat. Ruby, who was still shaking her hair out, peered around the room in surprise.
“Angels. You save me from certain death and then hand me over to angels? How is this an improvement?!”
“We’re marathoning Julia Roberts,” Gabriel said with a wide grin.
“Oh god,” Ruby said, sinking down into an arm chair. “This is hell.”
“Now now,” Crowley said. “You can be useful or I can put you back where you came from.”
“Fine,” Ruby said, slouched down in a sulk. “What is it you want from me?”
Castiel told her. And fifteen minutes later she was still laughing. Weak, trembling giggles as she gasped for breath.
“The sound track is really ruining this movie,” Balthazar said from around a bite of a McChicken burger.
“I think this movie is ruining the movie,” Gabriel replied, crinkling as he did from the sheer number of wrappers that littered him and his surrounds.
Ruby finally took one last, long breath, and slumped forwards. “Okay,” she said. “I’ll help. I can’t not help. This is going to be hilarious.”
“Good girl,” Crowley said. “Now, eat your dinner.” He’d gotten her and Castiel a Happy Meal to share. Cas got the burger, Ruby got the fries, and they passed the coke back and forwards as the movie built to a climax before missing the action completely due to eyeing each other off over the toy.
“Alright,” she said as the credits rolled. “Clearly you boys have been going about this all wrong. Not every Julia Roberts movie has the key to love, lust, and happily ever after. You need to be more discriminating. Look, what’s the next one on the pile?”
“‘Dying Young’,” Castiel read. “‘After she discovers that her boyfriend has betrayed her, Hilary O'Neil is looking for a new start and a new job. She begins to work as a private nurse for a young man suffering from blood cancer. They fall in love.’”
Ruby paused. “Well, I guess that one has potential.”
“We are not killing Castiel slowly,” Balthazar said firmly.
Crowley stretched his legs out and crossed his ankles as he rested his shoes on the coffee table. “Plus, do any of you really think that Dean Winchester will let his little brother play nurse to his angel?”
“We’d need to get Dean out of the picture,” Ruby agreed.
“I can do that,” Gabriel offered. “I’m really good at that.”
Castiel turned the idea over in his head. “I think Sam’s main concern would then be to find his brother,” he eventually said. “And I would not wish to cause him any distress.”
Ruby sighed, and tossed the DVD over her should. “Alright, what’s next?”
Balthazar ruled out ‘Hook’ as being too much of a departure from their normal lives, though Gabriel felt that it had potential.
“Does Peter Pan end up with Tinkerbell?” Castiel asked over their bickering.
“No,” Crowley answered. “He ends up with his wife.”
Castiel tossed the DVD over his shoulder. “Next.”
They ruled out ‘The Pelican Brief’ due to the lack of romantic material, and then spent twenty minutes debating the possible merits of ‘I Love Trouble before even putting it in the player.
“It does seem like a likely scenario,” Balthazar admitted.
“And it’ll be easy enough to put you two in a variety of dangerous situations,” Crowley agreed.
“Whacky,” Ruby corrected. “They need to be dangerous and whacky.”
“I’m not sure how that would differ from our regular lives,” Castiel said.
“Also, the whole premise is based on two characters having snappy banter,” Gabriel pointed out. “Sorry, bro, but you are not snappy anything.”
“I think we should just skip to the late nineties,” Ruby said, juggling cases in her hands. “Conspiracy, conspiracy, family drama.”
“You’re right,” Balthazar said, slumping back against the coffee table. “It’s all too familiar to them for any of it to work.”
They watched ‘My Best Friend’s Wedding’, and had to deal with Castiel’s heartbroken face.
“Look,” Balthazar said helplessly, “they don’t all end like this one. Hardly any of them. That’s the bleeding point of romantic comedies.”
“Yeah,” Ruby said in agreement. “This one was made as an antithesis to the genre, you know, make a movie of the fact that real life isn’t like the movies.”
Castiel looked down at his hands, and the Happy Meal Hello Kitty stamper held loosely in them. “So rather than success, I am more likely to be rejected and then forced to hang out with the cohort in my elaborate plot until the end of my days.”
Gabriel grinned cheerfully. “Hey, hanging out with us is going to be great fun,” he said. “Especially once we get the drinks flowing.”
Crowley looked at the three angels, and Ruby. “I’m not putting up with this for all eternity.”
Balthazar gave him a dry grin. “If it helps, angels have are coming with expiration dates these days.”
Gabriel shrugged. “Beats having no date at all. Right Cassie?”
Ruby snatched the Hello Kitty stamper out of Castiel’s hands, and threw it at Gabriel. “Come on,” she said. “Let’s skip to ‘Notting Hill’ already.”
At that moment, Castiel’s mobile rang. It was the default ringtone, and annoyingly chirpy. “It’s Dean,” he said, looking at the display. “I must go.” He was gone with a ruffle of feathers, leaving his entourage staring at the space where he had been sitting.
“Does he always drop what he’s doing when Dean whistles?” Gabriel asked.
“Yes,” Balthazar, Crowley and Ruby replied in unison.
“... I think we need to get Dean out of the picture.”
~*~
“Yes?”
Dean jumped as Castiel appeared behind him. “This angel seduction thing, it seems pretty weird. Is there anything else you want to tell us about it?”
“No,” Castiel replied, and disappeared.
“I told you it wouldn’t work,” Sam said from his seat in the Impala.
“I don’t care, there’s something funky going on there, and I really don’t like it when angels go around- argh!” Dean jumped again - and later would deny that he yelped like a scared dog - when Castiel appeared right in the path of his pacing.
“In romantic comedies, why is the best friend of the female lead a gay man?”
Dean took a step back from Castiel’s intent and vaguely perplexed gaze. “Uh, Sam, you want to field this one?”
Sam looked up from his laptop and rubbed at his forehead, trying to chase away eyestrain from reading a backlit screen in the shadow of the car. “Huh? It’s kind of a mix of reasons. Having the gay community represented without threatening the heteronormativity of mainstream romance movies. There’s also the trope that gay men are feminised, giving them an understanding of both masculine and feminine subcultures. They can understand and sympathise with the female lead while giving her inside information on guys.” Sam rolled his eyes as Dean gaped at him. “What? I took a popular culture course in my first year.”
Castiel nodded. “This trope of gay men, is it accurate?”
Dean pulled his ‘I don’t know’ face. “I’ve never really hung out with any gay dudes, much less asked them for dating advice.”
“There were those two guys at the convention,” Sam said.
“What, those freaking players or whatever?”
Castiel leaned forwards. “Their names?”
“One was Barnes,” Sam said. “Like Barnes and Noble.”
Dean snorted. “You are such a geek.”
“The other one started with a D, like Dean. David?”
“Delorean?” Dean suggested.
“Demian!” Sam exclaimed, looking proud of himself. “Demian and Barnes. But I really don’t think they-” Castiel was gone, and Sam let the sentence die in his throat.
“Is it just me, or is this getting weirder and weirder?”
Sam shrugged, and turned back to his laptop. “I think it’s cute.”
“Cute?”
“Yeah. I mean, Cas, his people skills aren’t great, you know? And he gets stuck with trying to figure out human relationships to stop the apocalypse?”
“That’s not cute, more like scarily incompetent.”
Sam allowed himself a smile as he went back to mooching on an unlocked wifi connection. “Well, yeah. But he takes everything so seriously. I mean, imagine what kind of lore an angel would go to in order to learn about this stuff.”
“Great, now I’ve got an image of him reading Cosmo magazine.”
“Mills and Boon novels.”
“‘Men are from Mars’- no, it’d be more like ‘Some Humans are metaphorically from Mars, other humans are inexplicably from Venus as improbable as it seems’.”
Sam snorted a laugh. “Yeah, exactly. It’s cute.”
~*~
Demian was unjamming his first photocopier of a day when a gravelly voice addressed him. “Are you Demian?” a scruffy guy in a trench coat asked him. “Reader of the Winchester gospels?”
Demian looked down to see if he was still wearing his pyjama shirt by mistake. No, even his replica of Dean’s amulet was hidden beneath his uniform polo shirt. “Yeah. How’d you know I was a fan?”
Castiel grabbed him by the shoulder, and the world jerked beneath his feet.
~*~
“Is it just me?” Gabriel asked when Castiel reappeared in his living room, two humans in tow, “or are Sam and Dean looking a little different?”
“This is Demian,” Castiel said, pushing the human who was uneasiest on his feet into a spare chair. “And this is Barnes. They are homosexuals.”
“What the hell just happened?” Barnes asked, sinking down onto the arm of the chair his boyfriend was sitting in and clutching to for dear life. “What happened?”
“You brought us gay best friends!” Ruby exclaimed, catching on before the rest. “I like it, getting a man’s perspective on the problem.” There was a chorus of objections from around the room, but Ruby waved them all off. “Please, the closest to an actual man in this room is Crowley, and he’s been dead for a very long time.”
“Still remember the basics,” Crowley replied tartly, one foot propped up on Gabriel’s coffee table.
“This isn’t happening,” Demian said. “No way is this happening.”
“You read the latest book, right? The one that got leaked?”
“It was a fake.”
“It didn’t read like a fake,” Barnes hissed. “And you were at the con, he talked for ages about angels and demons, and that’s freaking Crowley sitting over there.”
“It’s not real,” Demian insisted. He turned and gave Ruby and Crowley a stern look. “You’re not demons.” Ruby and Crowley blinked in unison, their eyes going black. Demian whimpered.
“You’re safe,” Castiel assured him. “We need your assistance.”
“Holy crap,” Barnes said, tugging on his boyfriend’s sleeve. “Crap, crap. Look at him. You know who that is?”
Demian frowned. “You are not Castiel.”
“Yes, I am,” Castiel replied. The human and angel stared at one another for a long moment, and Demian finally looked away, unable to match the angel’s unwavering gaze.
“Right,” he said. “Well. Glad we sorted that out.”
Barnes was frowning at Castiel. “That’s not a trench coat,” he said at last.
Castiel looked down at himself. “It’s an overcoat,” he said in agreement.
“Edland always wrote that it was a trench coat. Do you realise how much fan art there is out there that is wrong?”
Balthazar’s mouth quirked up at one corner. “Art? You mean little Castiel has a fan club?”
“I’m going to have to go and fix all of my sketches,” Barnes said.
“Your sketches are fine,” Demian said.
“I drew him with a trench coat, Dem! He is not wearing a trench coat!”
“The books said it was a trench! You’re still keeping true to the book canon.”
“I’m going to be writing an e-mail about this.”
“It’s a freaking coat.”
“I could take the coat off?” Castiel suggested. “Since it aggravates you.” Barnes sucked in a breath, and seemed to choke on it.
“No,” Demian said firmly. “No taking clothes off in front of my boyfriend. That’s my job.”
“And you’re not doing it in here,” Gabriel shot back.
Barnes looked up at Castiel, trying to drink in every detail of his face. “You said you needed our help?”
“Cas has decided he needs a boyfriend,” Ruby explained.
Barnes looked like he had died and gone to Heaven. Castiel didn’t notice. “The Julia Roberts texts that we have examined have suggested that homosexuals are an asset in any love match,” he explained.
“In short,” Crowley said. “We’re having no luck figuring out how to cram him together with the moose and apparently having some gays around will help the brainstorming process.”
“They are also familiar with the prophecies of Chuck,” Castiel told the group. “They may have insights that will help us.”
“Well, I mean, we’re fans,” Demian admitted. “But we’re not fanatics. Not like BlackKaz or Samlicker81. Especially not like Samlicker.”
“Hey, she’s alright, she organised the convention, and it’s thanks to her that the few extra books got printed. Edlund says so.”
“She’s a tinhat.” He turned to the small crowd of demons and angels. “She totally thinks that Sam and Dean are OTP.” There was no reaction. “You know, like, in love?” Still no reaction. “Hot gay man sex love?”
Gabriel blinked. “You mean they’re not?” Castiel shot him a dark look. “Look, we all agree that they have an unhealthy relationship, right? Right. All that dying for each other isn’t natural.”
“You wouldn’t die if your life depended on it,” Balthazar shot over his shoulder.
“My life regularly depends on me dying,” Gabriel shot back. “Just because you don’t have a knack for keeping your head down.”
“I was doing a fine job of it,” Balthazar said, dropping his head down in a sulk. Barnes was slowly reaching out to touch the cuff of Castiel’s coat, and recoiled as soon as the angel noticed him.
“So there is a greater expert on Sam and Dean?”
“I don’t know about expert,” Demian said. “I mean, she’ll twist anything to justify her head canon, and she keeps setting stories in her home town. But she knows the books backwards, I’ll give her that.”
“Her name?”
“Becky,” Barnes said. “Pine Creek, Delaware.” Castiel nodded at him and said a gruff thank you, and Barnes made a small noise high in his throat.
“You are such a fanboy,” Demian groused as Castiel disappeared.
“How many fandom tattoos do you have now?” Barnes sniped back.
Gabriel and Ruby shared a look. “These two are meant to help us hook Cas up?”
“Have faith in the gay,” Ruby said firmly. “All we need in some canapés and imported beer, and it’ll come through.”
Gabriel shrugged, and snapped his fingers.
~*~
To part two