GAY WARS: Adam Lambert vs. David Bowie! by @poetsforpeanuts
GAY WARS: Adam Lambert vs. David Bowie!
Adam Lambert, the American idol winner adorned in peacock feathers and top hats, is our newest addition to the gay-pop crew. Resurrecting the “Glam” movement from the late seventies, Lambert has managed to scoop out a niche for himself in the ever cramped-for-space entertainment industry, strutting his big gay stuff with a wardrobe to match. With such allies as Madonna and Lady Gaga on his side, I predict it's only a matter of time before Lambert becomes a household name.
And who can forget David Bowie, the Glam Master, Goblin King, and Lord of the Labyrinth?
THE FIGHT
The place: The Labyrinth, or more specifically, that weird room at the end where all the staircases defy gravity and end up passing through dimension-Z (which appears startlingly like the inside of an Egyptian pyramid.)
The time: This Saturday, just before midnight.
The attire: Twin top-hats and sequined long coats with identical gold walking sticks. Lambert will be wearing shoulder spikes and a giant feather boa, and Bowie in a ruffled tunic with a magical medallion. Eye-liner in large quantities.
The weapon: Stiletto heels. The man to walk the most staircases in stilettos wins. In the case of a tie, there will be a duel with gold canes.
The prize: Tommy Joe Ratliff, a straight man who likes making out with Adam Lambert on stage. Will Tommy embrace true love, or be exiled to the Labyrinth for all eternity?
THE OUTCOME
Who wins?
David Bowie: but why? How? Adam is obviously younger, stronger, cuter, and gayer, right? Right???
But Adam forgot - David Bowie is the Goblin King, and that means he has minions, and we all know what happens with a bisexual Glam rocker calls in his minions.
At the summit of the final staircase, Bowie knew he couldn't lose in his own Kingdom (and he's not quite so skilled at cane-dueling), so he sent a flurry of minions down upon Adam Lambert's head. Lambert, overcome by tiny goblins and distracted by his skewed top hat, accidentally stepped on his boa and tripped into negative space. Goodbye Adam... until you re-emerge from the Zed-Dimension in a Lady Gaga concert, naked and strapped to a burning piano.
Tommy moves in with Mr. Bowie and begins a new life as a shy, mysterious, “you'll-never-quite-know-my-sexual-orientation” servant boy.
(source)