Pride and Prejudice is a vampire novel
We were watching the British series made of Pride and Prejudice and it occured to me that I have read somewhere that Pride and Prejudice is really a vampire novel. I Googled and found it. Here it is:
By C314 on Sparknotes.
I had to read Pride and Prejudice this summer for school. I thought it was an extremely boring, nauseatingly mushy book until a certain thread I read got me thinking. Wouldn't it be interesting if Pride and Prejudice was a vampire novel? And that lead me to the question: "What if it already is?!" So I read, read, read some more, and investigated. Here are my results.
1. ARGUMENT FROM TELEPATHY (I)
a) Elizabeth is a very good judge of character.
b) Elizabeth must be able to read minds.
c) Therefore, Elizabeth is a vampire.
2. ARGUMENT FROM TELEPATHY (II)
a) Elizabeth is a very good judge of character.
b) Elizabeth must be able to read minds.
c) However, she makes a mistake about Darcy.
d) Darcy must have some kind of psychic protection.
e) Therefore, Darcy is a vampire.
3. ARGUMENT FROM SOCIAL STANDING
a) Everyone in Pride and Prejudice is part of the aristocracy.
b) All vampires are aristos.
c) Therefore, everyone in Pride and Prejudice is a vampire.
4. ARGUMENT FROM MINIONS
a) Lady Catherine is "a relatively powerless busybody who depends on weak-minded followers to reinforce her sense of her own importance."
b) Lady Catherine has brainwashed minions.
c) Vampires have brainwashed minions.
d) Therefore, Lady Catherine is a vampire.
5. ARGUMENT FROM WEALTH
a) Everyone in Pride and Prejudice is insanely rich although they don't really do work or have any kind of job.
b) Everyone in Pride and Prejudice must live off of some bank account somewhere that has been accumulating interest for an insanely long time.
c) Vampires have insanely long lives and are also insanely rich.
d) Therefore, everyone in Pride and Prejudice is a vampire.
6. ARGUMENT FROM CHARM
a) Darcy is an arrogant, unlovable, tactless, elitest asshole.
b) Elizabeth falls in love with him anyway.
c) Darcy must have mesmerized her with his charm.
d) Therefore, Darcy is a vampire.
7. ARGUMENT FROM THE FIRST SENTENCE
a) "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife."
b) Darcy is a single and in possession of a good fortune, but he does not particularly want a wife.
c) Darcy must not be a man; however, he is male and humanoid.
d) Therefore, Darcy is a vampire.
8. ARGUMENT FROM CHEESINESS
a) Pride and Prejudice is an extremely cheesy romantic book.
b) Vampires are extremely cheesy when they become romantic.
c) Therefore, Pride and Prejudice is a vampire book.
9. ARGUMENT FROM SOCIAL AFFAIRS
a) The people in Pride and Prejudice like to have balls.
b) Vampires like going to balls.
c) Therefore, the people in Pride and Prejudice are vampires.
10. ARGUMENT FROM APPEARANCE (I)
a) Darcy is "tall," "handsome," "noble," rich, dark, and brooding.
b) Vampires are also tall, handsome, noble, rich, dark, and brooding.
c) Therefore, Darcy is a vampire.
11. ARGUMENT FROM APPEARANCE (II)
a) Everyone in Pride and Prejudice is either excessively pretty or excessively handsome.
b) No mere mortal could have no physical flaws.
c) Therefore, everyone in Pride and Prejudice is a vampire.
12. ARGUMENT FROM SUPERIORITY
a) Darcy hates everyone that he thinks is below him with only one special exception (Elizabeth).
b) Vampires hate everyone because they think they're below them except for their one special human lover (in most cases).
c) Therefore, Darcy is a vampire.
13. ARGUMENT FROM SUPPOSED SUPERIORITY
a) Darcy ignores Mrs. Bennet and her daughters because he thinks he is superior.
b) Mrs. Bennet is shocked that he would think this way.
c) Since Darcy is a vampire, and is supposed to look down upon humans, Mrs. Bennet couldn't be human; if she were, she would not have been shocked to be looked down upon.
d) Therefore, Mrs. Bennet and her daughters are vampires.
14. ARGUMENT FROM CYNICISM
a) Elizabeth is a cynic.
b) This may be because she can read minds.
c) Vampires are cynical.
d) This may be because they can read minds.
e) Therefore, Elizabeth is a vampire.
15. ARGUMENT FROM FRIENDSHIP
a) Darcy is best friends with Bingley.
b) People that vampires think are "pure" tend to be happy, cheerful, and dumb.
c) Dark, brooding vampires tend to be attracted towards people they think are "pure."
d) Bingley is happy, cheerful, and dumb, and Darcy is dark and brooding.
e) Therefore, Darcy is a vampire.
16. ARGUMENT FROM MARRIAGE
a) Everyone in Pride and Prejudice is trying to get married to a rich person for more money.
b) This is cold and heartless.
c) Vampires are cold and heartless.
d) Therefore, everyone in Pride and Prejudice is a vampire.
17. ARGUMENT FROM LOVE
a) Darcy is horrified when he realizes he is attracted to Elizabeth.
b) Being in love does not strike terror into most human beings' hearts.
c) Darcy must be something that fears love.
d) Dark, broody vampires fear love.
e) Therefore, Darcy is a vampire.
18. ARGUMENT FROM LOVE OF BOOKS
a) Darcy and Elizabeth love to read.
b) Vampires are very well-read and intellectual.
c) Therefore, Darcy and Elizabeth are vampires.
19. ARGUMENT FROM BEING ACCOMPLISHED
a) Every lady in Pride and Prejudice is "accomplished" and can perform many horribly tedious tasks with great skill.
b) Every lady in Pride and Prejudice must have way too much free time.
c) Vampires have a lot of free time because they are immortal.
d) Therefore, every lady in Pride and Prejudice is a vampire.
20. ARGUMENT FROM POETRY
a) Darcy likes poetry and thinks it is "the food of love."
b) Dark, brooding vampires tend to like badly-written, sappy love poems.
c) Therefore, Darcy is a vampire.
21. ARGUMENT FROM ACCENT
a) Everyone in Pride and Prejudice is from England.
b) People in England have British accents.
c) All vampires have British accents.
d) Therefore, everyone in Pride and Prejudice is a vampire.
22. ARGUMENT FROM PITY
a) Elizabeth pities Darcy.
b) All females who love dark, brooding vampires pity them.
c) Therefore, Darcy is a vampire.
23. ARGUMENT FROM FANBASE
a) Darcy is lusted after by almost every female in Pride and Prejudice.
b) Every dark, brooding, handsome vampire has a huge drooling female fanbase.
c) Therefore, Darcy is a vampire.
24. ARGUMENT FROM RUMORS
a) Darcy is surrounded by very bad rumors.
b) All dark, brooding vampires are rumored to be total badasses.
c) Therefore, Darcy is a vampire.
25. ARGUMENT FROM SUNLIGHT
a) Elizabeth decides to walk to visit her sister when she is sick, because she had no ride.
b) Everyone is shocked and horrified to find this out.
c) Vampires do not like sunlight and tend to avoid it.
d) Therefore, everyone in Pride and Prejudice is a vampire.
26. ARGUMENT FROM ILLNESS
a) Vampires are immortal and have impenetrable immune systems; however, people in Pride and Prejudice get sick.
b) However, there is also no mention of any blood drinking in the entire book.
c) Vampires who do not drink enough blood tend to become sick.
d) Therefore, the people in Pride and Prejudice are vampires.
27. ARGUMENT FROM FAMILY
a) In Pride and Prejudice, many families hate each other.
b) Vampires tend to stick to their own families and are very clannish.
c) Therefore, the families Pride and Prejudice are vampire families.
28. ARGUMENT FROM INCEST
a) In Pride and Prejudice, many people marry their cousins, and no one seems to think this is wrong.
b) Due to immortality and no tainting of their gene pool, vampires tend to marry within their clans.
c) Therefore, everyone in Pride and Prejudice is a vampire.
29. ARGUMENT FROM LAZINESS
a) Everyone in Pride and Prejudice seems to have nothing better to do than to moon about and be nauseatingly romantic.
b) Vampires also tend to have nothing to do but moon about and be nauseatingly romantic.
c) Therefore, everyone in Pride and Prejudice is a vampire.
30. ARGUMENT FROM OFFSPRING
a) Everyone in Pride and Prejudice seems to have insane numbers of children.
b) Normal people would not have these insane numbers of children.
c) It is easy for vampires to create children.
d) Therefore, everyone in Pride and Prejudice is a vampire.
31. ARGUMENT FROM FLIRTATION
a) Elizabeth is always playing hard-to-get with Darcy.
b) Darcy is always playing hard-to-get with every other woman.
c) Vampires are always playing hard-to-get and pretending to be cold when they are really nauseatingly mushy.
d) Therefore, Elizabeth and Darcy are vampires.
32. ARGUMENT FROM ANGST
a) Every character in Pride and Prejudice is filled with tons and tons of vomit-inducing angst.
b) Vampires are very angsty creatures.
c) Therefore, every character in Pride and Prejudice is a vampire.
33. ARGUMENT FROM TALKATIVENESS
a) Everyone in Pride and Prejudice talks way too much for their own good.
b) Evil villains also tend to talk way too much for their own good.
c) Vampires tend to be evil and villainous.
d) Therefore, everyone in Pride and Prejudice is a vampire.
34. ARGUMENT FROM MODE OF COMMUNICATION
a) Everyone in Pride and Prejudice likes to read and write really long, boring, convoluted letters.
b) Vampires, even modern ones, like to read and write really long, boring, convoluted letters, usually in outdated script, because they think it's cooler than just calling someone up, or something.
c) Therefore, everyone in Pride and Prejudice is a vampire.
35. ARGUMENT FROM MASS MURDERER TRENDS
a) Mass murders tend to have had major childhood trauma involving their mothers.
b) Vampires are usually mass murderers.
c) Elizabeth's mother is a total idiot.
d) Therefore, Elizabeth Bennet and her sisters are vampires.
The original thread is here:
# http://mb.sparknotes.com/mb.epl?b=533&m=493147&p=9&t=154699
That is all. Thank you.
-C
By C314 on Sparknotes.
I had to read Pride and Prejudice this summer for school. I thought it was an extremely boring, nauseatingly mushy book until a certain thread I read got me thinking. Wouldn't it be interesting if Pride and Prejudice was a vampire novel? And that lead me to the question: "What if it already is?!" So I read, read, read some more, and investigated. Here are my results.
1. ARGUMENT FROM TELEPATHY (I)
a) Elizabeth is a very good judge of character.
b) Elizabeth must be able to read minds.
c) Therefore, Elizabeth is a vampire.
2. ARGUMENT FROM TELEPATHY (II)
a) Elizabeth is a very good judge of character.
b) Elizabeth must be able to read minds.
c) However, she makes a mistake about Darcy.
d) Darcy must have some kind of psychic protection.
e) Therefore, Darcy is a vampire.
3. ARGUMENT FROM SOCIAL STANDING
a) Everyone in Pride and Prejudice is part of the aristocracy.
b) All vampires are aristos.
c) Therefore, everyone in Pride and Prejudice is a vampire.
4. ARGUMENT FROM MINIONS
a) Lady Catherine is "a relatively powerless busybody who depends on weak-minded followers to reinforce her sense of her own importance."
b) Lady Catherine has brainwashed minions.
c) Vampires have brainwashed minions.
d) Therefore, Lady Catherine is a vampire.
5. ARGUMENT FROM WEALTH
a) Everyone in Pride and Prejudice is insanely rich although they don't really do work or have any kind of job.
b) Everyone in Pride and Prejudice must live off of some bank account somewhere that has been accumulating interest for an insanely long time.
c) Vampires have insanely long lives and are also insanely rich.
d) Therefore, everyone in Pride and Prejudice is a vampire.
6. ARGUMENT FROM CHARM
a) Darcy is an arrogant, unlovable, tactless, elitest asshole.
b) Elizabeth falls in love with him anyway.
c) Darcy must have mesmerized her with his charm.
d) Therefore, Darcy is a vampire.
7. ARGUMENT FROM THE FIRST SENTENCE
a) "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife."
b) Darcy is a single and in possession of a good fortune, but he does not particularly want a wife.
c) Darcy must not be a man; however, he is male and humanoid.
d) Therefore, Darcy is a vampire.
8. ARGUMENT FROM CHEESINESS
a) Pride and Prejudice is an extremely cheesy romantic book.
b) Vampires are extremely cheesy when they become romantic.
c) Therefore, Pride and Prejudice is a vampire book.
9. ARGUMENT FROM SOCIAL AFFAIRS
a) The people in Pride and Prejudice like to have balls.
b) Vampires like going to balls.
c) Therefore, the people in Pride and Prejudice are vampires.
10. ARGUMENT FROM APPEARANCE (I)
a) Darcy is "tall," "handsome," "noble," rich, dark, and brooding.
b) Vampires are also tall, handsome, noble, rich, dark, and brooding.
c) Therefore, Darcy is a vampire.
11. ARGUMENT FROM APPEARANCE (II)
a) Everyone in Pride and Prejudice is either excessively pretty or excessively handsome.
b) No mere mortal could have no physical flaws.
c) Therefore, everyone in Pride and Prejudice is a vampire.
12. ARGUMENT FROM SUPERIORITY
a) Darcy hates everyone that he thinks is below him with only one special exception (Elizabeth).
b) Vampires hate everyone because they think they're below them except for their one special human lover (in most cases).
c) Therefore, Darcy is a vampire.
13. ARGUMENT FROM SUPPOSED SUPERIORITY
a) Darcy ignores Mrs. Bennet and her daughters because he thinks he is superior.
b) Mrs. Bennet is shocked that he would think this way.
c) Since Darcy is a vampire, and is supposed to look down upon humans, Mrs. Bennet couldn't be human; if she were, she would not have been shocked to be looked down upon.
d) Therefore, Mrs. Bennet and her daughters are vampires.
14. ARGUMENT FROM CYNICISM
a) Elizabeth is a cynic.
b) This may be because she can read minds.
c) Vampires are cynical.
d) This may be because they can read minds.
e) Therefore, Elizabeth is a vampire.
15. ARGUMENT FROM FRIENDSHIP
a) Darcy is best friends with Bingley.
b) People that vampires think are "pure" tend to be happy, cheerful, and dumb.
c) Dark, brooding vampires tend to be attracted towards people they think are "pure."
d) Bingley is happy, cheerful, and dumb, and Darcy is dark and brooding.
e) Therefore, Darcy is a vampire.
16. ARGUMENT FROM MARRIAGE
a) Everyone in Pride and Prejudice is trying to get married to a rich person for more money.
b) This is cold and heartless.
c) Vampires are cold and heartless.
d) Therefore, everyone in Pride and Prejudice is a vampire.
17. ARGUMENT FROM LOVE
a) Darcy is horrified when he realizes he is attracted to Elizabeth.
b) Being in love does not strike terror into most human beings' hearts.
c) Darcy must be something that fears love.
d) Dark, broody vampires fear love.
e) Therefore, Darcy is a vampire.
18. ARGUMENT FROM LOVE OF BOOKS
a) Darcy and Elizabeth love to read.
b) Vampires are very well-read and intellectual.
c) Therefore, Darcy and Elizabeth are vampires.
19. ARGUMENT FROM BEING ACCOMPLISHED
a) Every lady in Pride and Prejudice is "accomplished" and can perform many horribly tedious tasks with great skill.
b) Every lady in Pride and Prejudice must have way too much free time.
c) Vampires have a lot of free time because they are immortal.
d) Therefore, every lady in Pride and Prejudice is a vampire.
20. ARGUMENT FROM POETRY
a) Darcy likes poetry and thinks it is "the food of love."
b) Dark, brooding vampires tend to like badly-written, sappy love poems.
c) Therefore, Darcy is a vampire.
21. ARGUMENT FROM ACCENT
a) Everyone in Pride and Prejudice is from England.
b) People in England have British accents.
c) All vampires have British accents.
d) Therefore, everyone in Pride and Prejudice is a vampire.
22. ARGUMENT FROM PITY
a) Elizabeth pities Darcy.
b) All females who love dark, brooding vampires pity them.
c) Therefore, Darcy is a vampire.
23. ARGUMENT FROM FANBASE
a) Darcy is lusted after by almost every female in Pride and Prejudice.
b) Every dark, brooding, handsome vampire has a huge drooling female fanbase.
c) Therefore, Darcy is a vampire.
24. ARGUMENT FROM RUMORS
a) Darcy is surrounded by very bad rumors.
b) All dark, brooding vampires are rumored to be total badasses.
c) Therefore, Darcy is a vampire.
25. ARGUMENT FROM SUNLIGHT
a) Elizabeth decides to walk to visit her sister when she is sick, because she had no ride.
b) Everyone is shocked and horrified to find this out.
c) Vampires do not like sunlight and tend to avoid it.
d) Therefore, everyone in Pride and Prejudice is a vampire.
26. ARGUMENT FROM ILLNESS
a) Vampires are immortal and have impenetrable immune systems; however, people in Pride and Prejudice get sick.
b) However, there is also no mention of any blood drinking in the entire book.
c) Vampires who do not drink enough blood tend to become sick.
d) Therefore, the people in Pride and Prejudice are vampires.
27. ARGUMENT FROM FAMILY
a) In Pride and Prejudice, many families hate each other.
b) Vampires tend to stick to their own families and are very clannish.
c) Therefore, the families Pride and Prejudice are vampire families.
28. ARGUMENT FROM INCEST
a) In Pride and Prejudice, many people marry their cousins, and no one seems to think this is wrong.
b) Due to immortality and no tainting of their gene pool, vampires tend to marry within their clans.
c) Therefore, everyone in Pride and Prejudice is a vampire.
29. ARGUMENT FROM LAZINESS
a) Everyone in Pride and Prejudice seems to have nothing better to do than to moon about and be nauseatingly romantic.
b) Vampires also tend to have nothing to do but moon about and be nauseatingly romantic.
c) Therefore, everyone in Pride and Prejudice is a vampire.
30. ARGUMENT FROM OFFSPRING
a) Everyone in Pride and Prejudice seems to have insane numbers of children.
b) Normal people would not have these insane numbers of children.
c) It is easy for vampires to create children.
d) Therefore, everyone in Pride and Prejudice is a vampire.
31. ARGUMENT FROM FLIRTATION
a) Elizabeth is always playing hard-to-get with Darcy.
b) Darcy is always playing hard-to-get with every other woman.
c) Vampires are always playing hard-to-get and pretending to be cold when they are really nauseatingly mushy.
d) Therefore, Elizabeth and Darcy are vampires.
32. ARGUMENT FROM ANGST
a) Every character in Pride and Prejudice is filled with tons and tons of vomit-inducing angst.
b) Vampires are very angsty creatures.
c) Therefore, every character in Pride and Prejudice is a vampire.
33. ARGUMENT FROM TALKATIVENESS
a) Everyone in Pride and Prejudice talks way too much for their own good.
b) Evil villains also tend to talk way too much for their own good.
c) Vampires tend to be evil and villainous.
d) Therefore, everyone in Pride and Prejudice is a vampire.
34. ARGUMENT FROM MODE OF COMMUNICATION
a) Everyone in Pride and Prejudice likes to read and write really long, boring, convoluted letters.
b) Vampires, even modern ones, like to read and write really long, boring, convoluted letters, usually in outdated script, because they think it's cooler than just calling someone up, or something.
c) Therefore, everyone in Pride and Prejudice is a vampire.
35. ARGUMENT FROM MASS MURDERER TRENDS
a) Mass murders tend to have had major childhood trauma involving their mothers.
b) Vampires are usually mass murderers.
c) Elizabeth's mother is a total idiot.
d) Therefore, Elizabeth Bennet and her sisters are vampires.
The original thread is here:
# http://mb.sparknotes.com/mb.epl?b=533&m=493147&p=9&t=154699
That is all. Thank you.
-C