(no subject)
I always seem to want to update this thing when I need to work or go to bed, in this case I need to go to bed ... so in true style I'm writing an update.
I don't even have anything to say... I went to a pub quiz tonight, I should have done some more work today but nevermind - I did a fair bit yesterday and I'm doing a lot tomorrow/Thursday so I'm not too cut up about giving myself the day off.
Today has been one of those days you won't remember when you look back on your life. Not great, or awful, just one of those days where time moved along and I went with it. I keep trying to listen to music that will make me realise how powerful and potent life can be, especially in a situation such as the end of University, but I have so much on my mind I don't really have time to fell either the woes or graces of what life has to offer. I think that's the worst thing about the end of sections of your life - you spend so much time wrapping it up you can't appreciate what a change it's going to be.
I keep going for long drives and listening to acoustic Zeppelin songs, trying to find a view or a chorus or picture that will bring the whole thing flooding out of me. You know that feeling when you know you have tears and smiles in you, but they just don't seem to be manifesting themselves? That's what I have. I have no time to come to terms with where I am right now, and I want to do that as soon as possible so I can move on with the band and accept that as my new full time priority. I keep hoping some drive through Caerleon will somehow jolt me, and I can get it all out of me. None of that will happen though, I don't think, until the end of my exams, once I'm free to think about everything the last three years has meant.
I realise I'm not a very good person with change. I have no problem with the next phase of life - I haven't regretted anything I've moved on to do, but it's the changing process. Even little things, like Joe and Dan moving out. I wouldn't say they tear me apart, but I keep thinking of all the things they signal the end of - like I'm trying to appreciate what it was I had. I remember all those things like going to the garages with Joe to get fags and cans of Coke. I don't necessarily yearn to go back to that time, but now I know that time has gone I always take that month or two while my blood runs cold, trying to comprehend the enormity of some of the situations you take for granted.
It's kind of funny, but I realised today and yesterday that almost all my lyrics focus on just that - the realisation that a time in your life has gone. As I said, I don't loathe where I am now or have never felt any change to have led me to a bad place, it's just the actual changing period. Heroine, Leaves, Sounding Shell, all those songs (even songs like The Other Side) all deal with change: chnaging people, changing places, changing feelings, the end of parts of my life.
I suppose when you think about it, change is all we really have. We're always looking for that next part, the next phase or step. We define our lives by change: "then I left school", "then I got married", "after that we're going on holiday". Change in the way we measure a chronology of existence for ourselves. It just sometimes makes me sad that we don't see the moment as the thing that life has to offer. It's always "after this" or "when I get that". We always look forward to the next holiday, the next practice, the next fuck, the next kiss, the next album, the next feeling. The most precious moments in life I suppose really are those in which you don't measure life by the next change. It doesn't happen very often. As I said, today was one of those days I thought about "the next" everything.
I'm looking forward to one of those periods of time where I don't want the next, I want the now. I think this summer will be one of those periods of time. One of those periods where you just know you're living for the moment. Ironically, one of the most glorious times of my life was the run up to my GCSE's. I was comfortable about the exams, it was warm and summery, I had borrowed Ricky's N64 and Zelda and I remember playing it in the day times. The bright locations, the great, rich worlds and fantastical scenarios of the game, and being sat at my desk with some can of Dr. P's from Ben's shop, and simply knowing that life was good.
I've had that feeling a few times since, and I can safely say I've never felt particularly low in the last five years. I had a brief period in the first year of sixth form, though I don't know why. It was strange, a sort of genuine mild depression, when I just kept thinking "is this it?". When I think about it, our band was going down the tube back then, Richard had gone off the rails and it was a situation that caused tension between everyone. It involved Joe's sister in some ways, and of course you can't defend somebody without attacking somebody else. We were a big group of pubescent teenagers dealing with real situations for the first time: Love, sex, caution over a real future. I did have cause to feel down, I felt like my hopes had failed and I was a set of ears to everyone else, who at the time seemed to have much more enriched lives than me. Everyone had girlfriends and boyfriends and little secrets and meetings and I just felt like I hadn't reached that whole level, like I'd been left behind, like everyone knew something I didn't.
Anyway, I didn't intend to make a sob story of it, and I quickly recovered. My point I'm trying to make is: every now and again a period of time comes when you know defining moments are being made. You can feel yourself growing and learning and enjoying. In other words, every now and again a present comes along that feels the same way as it does when you look forward to a future.
That old expression its sometimes more fun waiting for Christmas Day than it is opening the actual presents? Every now and again you can be opening your presents and experiencing just what that should mean to you. I don't like limbo. I don't like change and difference and void. I want periods of time when everything becomes what you feel it should be. Right now, I've never been in more of a limbo, and never felt such a brighter future just over the other side of it all.
I'm counting the weeks, days, seconds and moments to - I don't know. I'm not sure whether I should be trying to appreciate what I have now more, or whether I should be trying to move on and appreciate the future.
Either way, I can't do anything just yet...
Just yet...
I don't even have anything to say... I went to a pub quiz tonight, I should have done some more work today but nevermind - I did a fair bit yesterday and I'm doing a lot tomorrow/Thursday so I'm not too cut up about giving myself the day off.
Today has been one of those days you won't remember when you look back on your life. Not great, or awful, just one of those days where time moved along and I went with it. I keep trying to listen to music that will make me realise how powerful and potent life can be, especially in a situation such as the end of University, but I have so much on my mind I don't really have time to fell either the woes or graces of what life has to offer. I think that's the worst thing about the end of sections of your life - you spend so much time wrapping it up you can't appreciate what a change it's going to be.
I keep going for long drives and listening to acoustic Zeppelin songs, trying to find a view or a chorus or picture that will bring the whole thing flooding out of me. You know that feeling when you know you have tears and smiles in you, but they just don't seem to be manifesting themselves? That's what I have. I have no time to come to terms with where I am right now, and I want to do that as soon as possible so I can move on with the band and accept that as my new full time priority. I keep hoping some drive through Caerleon will somehow jolt me, and I can get it all out of me. None of that will happen though, I don't think, until the end of my exams, once I'm free to think about everything the last three years has meant.
I realise I'm not a very good person with change. I have no problem with the next phase of life - I haven't regretted anything I've moved on to do, but it's the changing process. Even little things, like Joe and Dan moving out. I wouldn't say they tear me apart, but I keep thinking of all the things they signal the end of - like I'm trying to appreciate what it was I had. I remember all those things like going to the garages with Joe to get fags and cans of Coke. I don't necessarily yearn to go back to that time, but now I know that time has gone I always take that month or two while my blood runs cold, trying to comprehend the enormity of some of the situations you take for granted.
It's kind of funny, but I realised today and yesterday that almost all my lyrics focus on just that - the realisation that a time in your life has gone. As I said, I don't loathe where I am now or have never felt any change to have led me to a bad place, it's just the actual changing period. Heroine, Leaves, Sounding Shell, all those songs (even songs like The Other Side) all deal with change: chnaging people, changing places, changing feelings, the end of parts of my life.
I suppose when you think about it, change is all we really have. We're always looking for that next part, the next phase or step. We define our lives by change: "then I left school", "then I got married", "after that we're going on holiday". Change in the way we measure a chronology of existence for ourselves. It just sometimes makes me sad that we don't see the moment as the thing that life has to offer. It's always "after this" or "when I get that". We always look forward to the next holiday, the next practice, the next fuck, the next kiss, the next album, the next feeling. The most precious moments in life I suppose really are those in which you don't measure life by the next change. It doesn't happen very often. As I said, today was one of those days I thought about "the next" everything.
I'm looking forward to one of those periods of time where I don't want the next, I want the now. I think this summer will be one of those periods of time. One of those periods where you just know you're living for the moment. Ironically, one of the most glorious times of my life was the run up to my GCSE's. I was comfortable about the exams, it was warm and summery, I had borrowed Ricky's N64 and Zelda and I remember playing it in the day times. The bright locations, the great, rich worlds and fantastical scenarios of the game, and being sat at my desk with some can of Dr. P's from Ben's shop, and simply knowing that life was good.
I've had that feeling a few times since, and I can safely say I've never felt particularly low in the last five years. I had a brief period in the first year of sixth form, though I don't know why. It was strange, a sort of genuine mild depression, when I just kept thinking "is this it?". When I think about it, our band was going down the tube back then, Richard had gone off the rails and it was a situation that caused tension between everyone. It involved Joe's sister in some ways, and of course you can't defend somebody without attacking somebody else. We were a big group of pubescent teenagers dealing with real situations for the first time: Love, sex, caution over a real future. I did have cause to feel down, I felt like my hopes had failed and I was a set of ears to everyone else, who at the time seemed to have much more enriched lives than me. Everyone had girlfriends and boyfriends and little secrets and meetings and I just felt like I hadn't reached that whole level, like I'd been left behind, like everyone knew something I didn't.
Anyway, I didn't intend to make a sob story of it, and I quickly recovered. My point I'm trying to make is: every now and again a period of time comes when you know defining moments are being made. You can feel yourself growing and learning and enjoying. In other words, every now and again a present comes along that feels the same way as it does when you look forward to a future.
That old expression its sometimes more fun waiting for Christmas Day than it is opening the actual presents? Every now and again you can be opening your presents and experiencing just what that should mean to you. I don't like limbo. I don't like change and difference and void. I want periods of time when everything becomes what you feel it should be. Right now, I've never been in more of a limbo, and never felt such a brighter future just over the other side of it all.
I'm counting the weeks, days, seconds and moments to - I don't know. I'm not sure whether I should be trying to appreciate what I have now more, or whether I should be trying to move on and appreciate the future.
Either way, I can't do anything just yet...
Just yet...