(no subject)
I wasn't going to go drinking tonight. I really wasn't. I went out to the bowling alley with my grandpa, had a drink, brought dinner back with us to grandma and the gardener since she stuck around to chat with grandma most of the night. Then I went to the bar. My ex called me earlier today and was really aggressive and bitchy to me and I was still fuming. I've tried meditation, counseling, counting to 10, ignoring her, telling her how it upsets me, you name it, nothing seems to make me less frustrated when she calls like that. When she's in a good mood we talk and things are good, I feel like we could maybe possibly be friends when this is all over on some level, but then she gets like this and I'd rather be a million miles away.
So I went to the bar after dinner. Walked in, had a shot of tequila. Then 3 or 4 bottles of Mike's Hard Lemonade and left after about an hour and a half. I'm not blitzed but I'm buzzing and it feels good to not feel frustrated. But it's sad that it takes that [drinking] to get the edge off the immense pain and frustration she causes me every time she gets like this. I wish I could say that counseling helped in the here and now, but it didn't. It helped remove some of the huge piles of emotion I was sitting on but I didn't get to the part about coping with them as they happen. Nothing else I've tried seems to help either. And bear in mind I did anger management as part of my family counseling for 4 years when I was in middle school, so I have an arsenal of techniques at my disposal. It just is really depressing that none of them work or help, or at least not to a satisfactory level for me. Maybe I'm just impatient. Maybe that alcoholic gene is finally kicking in for me like it did for the rest of my family. I don't know. I don't think it is since I only drink 2-3 nights a week at most, and skip weeks in between here and there.... I don't know... I guess the really sad part is I'm just so numb to it.
So I went to the bar after dinner. Walked in, had a shot of tequila. Then 3 or 4 bottles of Mike's Hard Lemonade and left after about an hour and a half. I'm not blitzed but I'm buzzing and it feels good to not feel frustrated. But it's sad that it takes that [drinking] to get the edge off the immense pain and frustration she causes me every time she gets like this. I wish I could say that counseling helped in the here and now, but it didn't. It helped remove some of the huge piles of emotion I was sitting on but I didn't get to the part about coping with them as they happen. Nothing else I've tried seems to help either. And bear in mind I did anger management as part of my family counseling for 4 years when I was in middle school, so I have an arsenal of techniques at my disposal. It just is really depressing that none of them work or help, or at least not to a satisfactory level for me. Maybe I'm just impatient. Maybe that alcoholic gene is finally kicking in for me like it did for the rest of my family. I don't know. I don't think it is since I only drink 2-3 nights a week at most, and skip weeks in between here and there.... I don't know... I guess the really sad part is I'm just so numb to it.