blah personal musings blah
I have found that, if left alone for long periods of time, I become keenly aware of just how much I need people. And I do need them. I need friends, specifically. I need to talk with them, to share with them, to be with them. But, I have realized, when I'm with them I don't want to talk about me. I ask about them, enjoy hearing stories, prod for details if they want to give them, and yes sometimes talk about what's going on in my life too if they seem to want to know or if I know it would make them happy. But ... I don't ... venture forth info like I expect others to do.
And what really made me realize all that is that a while back I was at last getting to spend time with a friend I missed so much and she asked about some difficult stuff she knows I went through and how it was going. And I was shocked. No, stunned. Yep, that's it, flat out stunned. I didn't know what to say. It was alright once I edged into the topic but ... I still didn't say everything. And that seems so ... wrong of me. I expect to know what's truly bothering others but won't admit what bothers me? Am I that secretive? That far in denial that in the moment I can pretend it doesn't bother me at all? Maybe it's just the effect of people. Being in good company, nothing seems as bad as it does when I'm alone in the silence and can't escape my own thoughts. I don't know. It's confusing me.
As is the fact that even though I know just how much I need people ... I'm oddly unwilling to reach out to more of them. Probably because the best people I've known have entered my life through crazy random happenstance. When I go looking, I don't find what I want or what I need. I find something fleeting. People who say they want to talk, say they want to do things, but move on next week to something else. Someone else. I should keep at it, I know, but a person can only stand so much rejection before the actual act of looking becomes a new torture. The best people, the true friends meant to be with you, are few and far between.
I don't expect anyone to read any of that. It's there for my own use later. And because, well, tonight was lonely and kinda suck so I needed to just be introspective. Tada. Now I'm gonna go back to hunting down Young Justice fanart, because that is awesome.
Hmm, real stuff. I hardly ever updated this journal for real because there's just not much going on. Publishers need to get back to us Hourglass Comics folk already. As do new artists because this sucks. Working through motorphobia slowly. Okay it's not quite that but there's no fancy word for what it really is. It snowed again, just a little, which was nice. Taught myself a new art style because MouseGuard is my new comic obsession and I had to learn how to draw proper fanart for it.
Making plans for MTAC, praying to god nothing goes wrong this time. Note to self; get fabric for new cosplay. Probably can't go to Momo because ... no one to go with. That's just how things are.
So, related topic, no birthday party for me. Which is nothing new so blah whatevs, will just go see my mom and watch a movie with her. And make cupcakes. I make awesome cupcakes man, you don't even know.
Oh, and it's almost Valentines Day. This year, say it with zombies.