Email fun
This is an actual letter sent to Proctor and Gamble from Wendi Aarons,
Austin, TX, regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling
after the first paragraph ...
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always Maxi Pads for over 20 years and
I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak GuardCore(tm)
or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or
salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the
beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your
revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough
to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't
tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little
F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from 'the
curse'? I'm guessing you haven't.
Well, my 'time of the month' is starting right now. As I type, I can
already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a
few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into
what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
swings, crying, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a
tough time for most women.
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the
reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach
inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and
there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy
Period.'
Are you freaking kidding me? Does any part of your tiny middle-manager
brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is
possible during a period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least
bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be
anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on
Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't
march down to the local Kmart armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy
plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, if you just have to slap a moronic message on a
maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually
pertinent, like 'Put Down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter Is
Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bull s __t. And that's a promise I will keep.
.............Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
Austin, TX, regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling
after the first paragraph ...
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always Maxi Pads for over 20 years and
I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak GuardCore(tm)
or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or
salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the
beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your
revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough
to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't
tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little
F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from 'the
curse'? I'm guessing you haven't.
Well, my 'time of the month' is starting right now. As I type, I can
already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a
few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into
what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
swings, crying, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a
tough time for most women.
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the
reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach
inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and
there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy
Period.'
Are you freaking kidding me? Does any part of your tiny middle-manager
brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is
possible during a period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least
bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be
anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on
Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't
march down to the local Kmart armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy
plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, if you just have to slap a moronic message on a
maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually
pertinent, like 'Put Down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter Is
Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bull s __t. And that's a promise I will keep.
.............Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX