Woah
I could begin by lying. It's so much easier to lie than it is to tell the truth, in certain situations. I have entered another funk, set in I'm sure by the Amanda situation, academic pressure (and frustration) and my own emotional mess.
School is going to be hectic for the next four weeks, as I prepare for the summer research, write a prospectus, finish a paper, complete oral history training and attempt to conduct interviews. I have so many things to finish that even with extra time and preparation, I feel so far behind in everything. Hopefully summer will bring an end to some of that anxiety and allow me to focus on my research and readings.
Emotionally, I'm just a confused bag. I am certain it has everything to do how I treated Amanda, I have no doubt about it. I just always though I was above that but all my thinking got me nowhere when it came time to act. And I made poor decisions, urged on by nothing but physical desires. How can I pick up the pieces of my own self-respect and try for another girl? Will it just the same story, where I end up detached and emotionless or will something actually "click"? How will things work out and how will I react? My high school self would be so disappointed but now I am coming to realize that I have indeed changed. The nice, young man that graduated high school has been affected by so many different outside factors, and has succumbed to so many things, that I have changed. In some ways, those changes are for the better. But my personal relationships with women especially have been less than stellar. I'm either committing to the wrong girl (unrequited love) or not committing to good ones. Even with all the normal romantic frustrations, I know that it will all work out in the end. But I have sacrificed so much respect in my own personal edification.
What will the future hold? There are numerous questions right now, swirling through my head. When will I find a girl that I can fall in love with? I know she's out there. She might be a friend now or a stranger but I know she's there. Will I ever be satisfied by my own research? I try and I try, taking notes, making copies, writing outline after outline but I am not satisfied with my first chapter. I am in fact so disappionted I'm frustrated. It's not even eye catching to me, the guy who wrote it. How can I make this story jump off the page? Grab the readers attention? Removing all historical inaccuracies will be impossible but I still feel as though the narrative is WRONG. Just plain wrong. I'm writing something wrong. But maybe because I love it so much I'm just disappointed it's not perfect. I have lived, breathed and consumed this story for nearly a year and yet I seem to be farther from a good chapter than ever. With every word I type, I miss another. I'm just unsatisfied. I want this to be perfect: for me, for the people involved and for this city. It deserves to have the story told.
But mainly I just wish I could cry. I haven't cried for a little while and I feel as though with everything going on, I should cry. All I can remember is staring into her eyes and watching the tears well up...how can I not cry after that? What kinda heartless monster have I developed into?
School is going to be hectic for the next four weeks, as I prepare for the summer research, write a prospectus, finish a paper, complete oral history training and attempt to conduct interviews. I have so many things to finish that even with extra time and preparation, I feel so far behind in everything. Hopefully summer will bring an end to some of that anxiety and allow me to focus on my research and readings.
Emotionally, I'm just a confused bag. I am certain it has everything to do how I treated Amanda, I have no doubt about it. I just always though I was above that but all my thinking got me nowhere when it came time to act. And I made poor decisions, urged on by nothing but physical desires. How can I pick up the pieces of my own self-respect and try for another girl? Will it just the same story, where I end up detached and emotionless or will something actually "click"? How will things work out and how will I react? My high school self would be so disappointed but now I am coming to realize that I have indeed changed. The nice, young man that graduated high school has been affected by so many different outside factors, and has succumbed to so many things, that I have changed. In some ways, those changes are for the better. But my personal relationships with women especially have been less than stellar. I'm either committing to the wrong girl (unrequited love) or not committing to good ones. Even with all the normal romantic frustrations, I know that it will all work out in the end. But I have sacrificed so much respect in my own personal edification.
What will the future hold? There are numerous questions right now, swirling through my head. When will I find a girl that I can fall in love with? I know she's out there. She might be a friend now or a stranger but I know she's there. Will I ever be satisfied by my own research? I try and I try, taking notes, making copies, writing outline after outline but I am not satisfied with my first chapter. I am in fact so disappionted I'm frustrated. It's not even eye catching to me, the guy who wrote it. How can I make this story jump off the page? Grab the readers attention? Removing all historical inaccuracies will be impossible but I still feel as though the narrative is WRONG. Just plain wrong. I'm writing something wrong. But maybe because I love it so much I'm just disappointed it's not perfect. I have lived, breathed and consumed this story for nearly a year and yet I seem to be farther from a good chapter than ever. With every word I type, I miss another. I'm just unsatisfied. I want this to be perfect: for me, for the people involved and for this city. It deserves to have the story told.
But mainly I just wish I could cry. I haven't cried for a little while and I feel as though with everything going on, I should cry. All I can remember is staring into her eyes and watching the tears well up...how can I not cry after that? What kinda heartless monster have I developed into?