Even When the Sun Is Shining I Can't Avoid The Lightening Bolts
I hate when I get this exhausted I just feel down right mean. I really haven't said a nice thing all day. My body aches so badly, I guess it's from riding everyday. I don't know what's the matter with me. I feel so up and down. One minute I'm laughing and cutting up with Serena and the next I'm a weepy mess. I got home and my poor mom asking me my opinion on her outfit bothered me. I'm shitty. I looked at my bank account, I have more money than I've ever had in my life. I deposited a shit load of tip cash today, I'm going to start a job where I'll be making at least 80 bucks a night, I get a pay check next week, and I'm still miserable. Money doesn't solve a thing. Money isn't bringing Ed back. Money isn't making me lose this god forsaken weight. Money isn't producing someone for me to kiss on New Year's Eve. Money isn't making me smile. There isn't a single thing I want to do. I don't feel like taking any trips. I don't feel like buying a stupid car. I don't want clothes. I don't want any cd's. Apparently I just don't give a shit about music anymore. All I feel like doing is going to work and coming home and having some peace and fucking quiet which I should actually feel grateful for at this very second. I'm bored. I don't have anything to get excited about. I guess buying stuff for Christmas for my friends and family will make me feel good and I'm actually excited about that. I got my mom taken care of for christmas and it felt nice to buy her that Joe Montana jersey even if it was 70 bucks. This boredom and lack of interest in spending can be useful I suppose. I'm going to work really hard and try to feel good about myself and perhaps life will start making sense and feeling better. I don't know but I've got to start being nicer no matter how crappy everything is and how tired I am. Eh...I'm going to listen to launch and relax. I wish I had an office job so I could listen to launch constantly.