Disturbed
I talk too much, all the time, always having lots to say - repetitive, repetitive, you've heard it all before, why must I talk so damn much, and not shut up, why must I babble so much to people? Why is my nature so fucking dead set on spouting out all my thoughts? I can't help it you know. It drives people away. I feel myself having to apologize to every single person I talk to because of it.
Maybe it's because I'm too damn arrogant. I sometimes even like the sound of my voice and the way I say things. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I so in love with hearing what I have to say when I know people are not even grasping it in the way that I would wish them to, because I make myself a hard person to relate to?
I am conscious of all these things and many more, hating myself to the point of no return, and then hating myself even more for making such a big deal out of these things, and hating all the drama that lays in me. I am such a dramatic fucking bastard.
But I am fucking sick and tired of all the criticism from people too, constantly pointing all these things out without having a fucking clue as to why they rise up. Just lots of personal issues they themselves have making it easier to judge on me. And then I think about all the clear concise judgements I give to people and swallow dry thinking how much I deserve what I myself did, and how stupid of me to think I can take criticism when it is so obvious I can't.
It just makes me want to retrieve to myself and be alone for ever. Then I can go indulge in what I like to indulge without having to worry about what anyone thinks about me for it. And don't go on thinking this is self pity. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself, and I am tired of feeling I am too great to be recognized. The truth is that I cannot express myself properly enough to make clear what I deem to understand, making it very obvious that I don't fully understand and therefore I cannot express. Thus making me worthless. I get the point. And I also get that I have a capacity to evolve, and be able to balance all my great characteristics with the characteristics that seem to lack therefore I should just chin up and battle, eventually letting go of myself enough to be a human being people would appreciate and understand more. Anything can happen based on my conscious decision to happen.
But right now! right now I'm fucking frustrated to death. I have two groups of friends basically.
Unfortunately, and I say unfortunately because right now I don't feel at all fit for it, I have set up my life to be a leader. Lots of people admire me, look for me for wisdom, and deal with me exclusively for these purposes. When I share the weaker side of me to these people I can tell that they are totally thrown back and do not even know how to deal with it. On the other hand there are people in my life who are my friends, my family, etc - these people want the whole side of me.
In balancing the leader in me and the complete human side of me , I have found that I mix the two. I am too insecure to lead while still being aware of my whole character - I therefore put on a shield that covers me and swallows whole the part of me that is weak and needing to talk. I then become a listener, a good understander, a good suggester and a good speaker (this is when my babbling comes useful).
When it's time to be back to a human being, sometimes it's hard for me to go back to myself, and the air of arrogance is unavoidable. Then the criticism comes along, and I take it far too seriously because I am VERY VERY hard with myself, VERY hard with myself and I know as of late all the criticism that has come to me, has actually toppled me down and brought me down, because it comes from all sides.
Thus I am in a sea of confusion trying to balance the leadership I must keep - because of Kludge, because of people who I help with it, and the humanity that must come, because I need to feel equal, because I love humility, because I want to submit to the powers of goodness and because I want to be a better person.
This quote brought attention to me in my current reading,
"Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent. It depends in part upon the myth-making imagination of humankind. The person who experiences greatness must have a feeling for the myth he is in. He must reflect what is projected upon him. And he must have a strong sense of the sardonic. This is what uncouples him from belief in his own pretensions. The sardonic is all that permits him to move within himself. Without this quality, even occasional greatness will destroy a man." - Frank Herbert's Dune.
I don't claim to be great but what I do know, is that feeling great will bring greatness because I have seen it! because I have experienced it! And so while sometimes I must live in my own charade it does help me accomplish the things that I have set to accomplish. I just have to learn to balance this with the awareness that it is a charade and the ability to be me and express me w/out the arrogance into my writings and into my work. I want to get better at writing, right now I'm very frustrated with the way I write. I was all into an article for my magazine the other day and then yesterday I read it and I thought it was crap. Blah blah blah blah. I'm fucking sick of being crap. I know that I can be really good, why isn't it coming out? I want to be a good person, who understands his equality to the whole of the human race. Nothing is more dear to me than the connection we have among each other, all human beings - we are all connected - we are all the same - we all have the capacity to understand each other - this is true, this is so true.
Fuck the barriers of perception, the paradigms we impose on ourselves, the damn fucking shields of society. I'm so fucking sick of them.
I want to love and be loved, love and be loved, love and be loved.
Don't you dare criticize this is too long, just don't read it if you don't want to.
I'm obviously upset and just needing a little outlet. Things are just too intense and at the same time nothing is happening at all.
My surgery is coming up. It's scaring me. My dad, I miss him a lot. My dear beautiful Stine. I wish I could cuddle her all my life, I wish we wouldn't feel so distant right now - damn perils of being miles away with problems that cannot be shared with words alone. My family - I wish they didn't bother me so, that I could love them. My dear staff, I wish I could write for them, incite them, give them all that I have inside and put the magazine to work. All the people that look up to me, I wish I could continue to inspire them like I have in the past. I wish I could snap out of myself. My friends - I wish I could be more of a listener with them and be more empathic in the ways I've hurt them. I am too sensitive. I feel it all, I cannot express this feeling, but I assure you, I feel so much love for everyone right now. I just wish we could all love each other and end the madness.
Damn any arrogance that's come out of this writing, and I hope it's overcome by the love I feel inside.
I'm off to lighten up - yes, I do lighten up once in a while, don't worry, the butt plug up my ass is not there all day long.
Maybe it's because I'm too damn arrogant. I sometimes even like the sound of my voice and the way I say things. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I so in love with hearing what I have to say when I know people are not even grasping it in the way that I would wish them to, because I make myself a hard person to relate to?
I am conscious of all these things and many more, hating myself to the point of no return, and then hating myself even more for making such a big deal out of these things, and hating all the drama that lays in me. I am such a dramatic fucking bastard.
But I am fucking sick and tired of all the criticism from people too, constantly pointing all these things out without having a fucking clue as to why they rise up. Just lots of personal issues they themselves have making it easier to judge on me. And then I think about all the clear concise judgements I give to people and swallow dry thinking how much I deserve what I myself did, and how stupid of me to think I can take criticism when it is so obvious I can't.
It just makes me want to retrieve to myself and be alone for ever. Then I can go indulge in what I like to indulge without having to worry about what anyone thinks about me for it. And don't go on thinking this is self pity. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself, and I am tired of feeling I am too great to be recognized. The truth is that I cannot express myself properly enough to make clear what I deem to understand, making it very obvious that I don't fully understand and therefore I cannot express. Thus making me worthless. I get the point. And I also get that I have a capacity to evolve, and be able to balance all my great characteristics with the characteristics that seem to lack therefore I should just chin up and battle, eventually letting go of myself enough to be a human being people would appreciate and understand more. Anything can happen based on my conscious decision to happen.
But right now! right now I'm fucking frustrated to death. I have two groups of friends basically.
Unfortunately, and I say unfortunately because right now I don't feel at all fit for it, I have set up my life to be a leader. Lots of people admire me, look for me for wisdom, and deal with me exclusively for these purposes. When I share the weaker side of me to these people I can tell that they are totally thrown back and do not even know how to deal with it. On the other hand there are people in my life who are my friends, my family, etc - these people want the whole side of me.
In balancing the leader in me and the complete human side of me , I have found that I mix the two. I am too insecure to lead while still being aware of my whole character - I therefore put on a shield that covers me and swallows whole the part of me that is weak and needing to talk. I then become a listener, a good understander, a good suggester and a good speaker (this is when my babbling comes useful).
When it's time to be back to a human being, sometimes it's hard for me to go back to myself, and the air of arrogance is unavoidable. Then the criticism comes along, and I take it far too seriously because I am VERY VERY hard with myself, VERY hard with myself and I know as of late all the criticism that has come to me, has actually toppled me down and brought me down, because it comes from all sides.
Thus I am in a sea of confusion trying to balance the leadership I must keep - because of Kludge, because of people who I help with it, and the humanity that must come, because I need to feel equal, because I love humility, because I want to submit to the powers of goodness and because I want to be a better person.
This quote brought attention to me in my current reading,
"Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent. It depends in part upon the myth-making imagination of humankind. The person who experiences greatness must have a feeling for the myth he is in. He must reflect what is projected upon him. And he must have a strong sense of the sardonic. This is what uncouples him from belief in his own pretensions. The sardonic is all that permits him to move within himself. Without this quality, even occasional greatness will destroy a man." - Frank Herbert's Dune.
I don't claim to be great but what I do know, is that feeling great will bring greatness because I have seen it! because I have experienced it! And so while sometimes I must live in my own charade it does help me accomplish the things that I have set to accomplish. I just have to learn to balance this with the awareness that it is a charade and the ability to be me and express me w/out the arrogance into my writings and into my work. I want to get better at writing, right now I'm very frustrated with the way I write. I was all into an article for my magazine the other day and then yesterday I read it and I thought it was crap. Blah blah blah blah. I'm fucking sick of being crap. I know that I can be really good, why isn't it coming out? I want to be a good person, who understands his equality to the whole of the human race. Nothing is more dear to me than the connection we have among each other, all human beings - we are all connected - we are all the same - we all have the capacity to understand each other - this is true, this is so true.
Fuck the barriers of perception, the paradigms we impose on ourselves, the damn fucking shields of society. I'm so fucking sick of them.
I want to love and be loved, love and be loved, love and be loved.
Don't you dare criticize this is too long, just don't read it if you don't want to.
I'm obviously upset and just needing a little outlet. Things are just too intense and at the same time nothing is happening at all.
My surgery is coming up. It's scaring me. My dad, I miss him a lot. My dear beautiful Stine. I wish I could cuddle her all my life, I wish we wouldn't feel so distant right now - damn perils of being miles away with problems that cannot be shared with words alone. My family - I wish they didn't bother me so, that I could love them. My dear staff, I wish I could write for them, incite them, give them all that I have inside and put the magazine to work. All the people that look up to me, I wish I could continue to inspire them like I have in the past. I wish I could snap out of myself. My friends - I wish I could be more of a listener with them and be more empathic in the ways I've hurt them. I am too sensitive. I feel it all, I cannot express this feeling, but I assure you, I feel so much love for everyone right now. I just wish we could all love each other and end the madness.
Damn any arrogance that's come out of this writing, and I hope it's overcome by the love I feel inside.
I'm off to lighten up - yes, I do lighten up once in a while, don't worry, the butt plug up my ass is not there all day long.