3rd Annual: Top Ten Moments of 2005 - Warning Very Long

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Last year at this time I wrote up my top five events of the previous year, and it was really a nice experience. Not only did I document the top events of my life for my ever growing database of memories, but I also got the chance to reflect in a positive way the people and things that had shaped my current disposition. At that time, finishing 2004, I had a lot of wild things to choose from. I had my first kiss that year, my first best friend, my first success as an actor, a two and a half month trip across the united states, my first year in college and my high school graduation. 2004 was a busy year... so this year I decided months ago that I would keep things in mind to compile for my 2005 edition. I don't reflect on myself publically, or at least not in as much detal as I did in my Live Journal days, so many readers of this blog won't be used to it. It won't be negative, as many of my friends are (or as I sometimes begin to be)... it will be merely a documentation of interesting and personal views of the past years... both negative and positive, both secret and obvious. Here we go:

My Top Ten Moments of 2005: A Year at Home

10- I'm nineteen years old and I am a brand new driver. My friend from high school Andy always teases me about not having my license, his car being one of the most important things he possesses. I have never had the money or opportunity (or being honest) the need to have a car. This has been both a good and bad thing. I've spent the year walking around, finding locations for films that I never would have found otherwise, and getting thinner than I would have being a wheel. With all these benefits however, it was that first moment behind a wheel that gets my number ten spot. It was in the mall parking lot, and I had been talking about doing my first driving lesson for about a month, when my mom suddenly said that it was time I did it. We were at the mall (one of the five times this year I've been to our crappy mall) and I got behind the wheel and did a bit of driving, starting and stopping suddenly, but mostly doing pretty well.  My nephew, a developing comedian, was in the back seat with three seat belts on, clutching the cushion for dear life. It was a random moment, the kind I like, unexpected but very memorable. One of those... I remember my first sort of things...

9- I had first talked to Theo on the set of Whisper and I was very impressed with his personality. So, Carol offered me free VIP passes to a film festival in San Francisco where her documentary had played and I wanted to go. The problem, as stated in the previous memory, is that I don't drive. This gave me the opportunity to get to know somebody better and have a fun day. Theo was nice enough to drive and so I didn't have to ask more than one person to go. I had never been to a film festival beyond Modesto and it was a great chance to see how the other people do it. We got to see the directors hide near the exits, the movies that were good and some that were not so good. Getting lost half the day, looking for a theater that was so close but very obscure. A Lizzie Mcguire celebrity that only a teenage girl would know...haha. It was a nice day, before life got too busy and complicated and when everything was simpler. I realized afterwards that it was exactly the kind of day I really needed, just for the fun of it.

8- It's a Wonderful Life has always been one of my favorites, but this year I got to screen it on a huge projector screen. The people who came were a small bunch, but they were among my favorites of the year. Chris and Balti, which I've only resently begun to get to know were there, and afterwards there was a party I went with them to like I hadn't been to in a long time. Chris was a fan of the film, but hadn't seen it in a long time and Balti had never seen it before... so I was really glad that they both made it.  My mom, dad and nephew were there... whom I love dearly and I was my nephews first viewing of that film (I'm slowly learning him on classic cinema).  Brian came in late, but stayed unexpectedly, like the strange fellow he is and that was cool. Theo, Sal and Britney were there and that was unexpected because I hadn't seen much of him around that time. Brittany, my friend from the 24 hour project was there, by herself, but beautiful as always. It was a really nice night, and was actually the most it felt like Christmas all year. It was also the first time I had ever screened a classic film for a bunch of people, but if I ever get my dream of owning a movie theater, it won't be the last.

7- Everyone was sick of me talking about the Price is Right, but it really was one of the coolest things I've ever gotten the chance to do.  As a kid I used to watch gameshows by the hour with my grandfather and grandmother and so I've always been a fan of the classics. This was not only as good as it was on TV, but it was better. It was so close to how it was on television that I could not fathom it completely the whole time it was going on. I kept looking up at the monitor to remember, so now I have an hour show of the PIR that I'm on with me constantly looking up like an idiot. This was also a great memory because I got to know my friend Gus, who I actually talked to the first time about Price is Right and who came through with his promise to take me. I got to catch up with my best friend Chris C., who I hadn't seen much since he went away to college and his longtime girlfriend whom I had never met before. Beside the moments in the studio (like when Bob Barker said "The Price is Wrong...Bitch" for us) the most memorable moments of that day were the waiting for ten hours outside of CBS studios, on the street of LA. I like hanging around with people that are as die hard and random as I am. Flakey people are irritating, and won't be found on my friends list. The trip was dream come true, and the only thing wild enough to compare to last years adventures.

6- The fight didn't even involve me in the least, but it was in my house and it is ever present in the lives of the people I love. My sister is a deeply emotional person, border line polar disorder, and when she gets in an arguement she really tries to tear her enemy a new one. Her and I have never gotten into a deep argument, because I'm not that sort of person, but my mom and her have fought ever since I remember. Mostly I'm used to it, but my nephew, her son is not and never will be. Without going into it too much... there was a fight downstairs and I was in my room trying to take nap. I woke up to it, laying down in bed, listening to it in my darkened room. I heard words never used outloud in my house: Fuck and you.  Yelling, screaming... and then my nephew crying because he thought they were fighting about him.  She goes for the low blow, says she's going to leave and take my nephew with her... which is within her rights, but is not in any way the right thing to do (to take him from a safe and warm house into the streets or god knows where). My mother refuses to let her leave with him, my dad speaks up saying the same. Suddenly a moment of silence and I realize for the first time at how the fight had effected me... my pulse was racing, my muscles tight, and I was sitting up ready to do something. This is unlike me, fighthing, though very annoying doesn't really bother me. This one had me going though. Luckily, she leaves and doesn't take my nephew. I relax, not knowing what I would have done if she had tried to put him in the middle. Two seconds from letting years of repressed anger out all over her, a side of me that nobody ever sees. Instead, I calmly went out of my room... my mother crying downstairs on my dad... my nephew about to throw up with his own tears upstairs... and I take my nephew in my arms and carry him back to a safe haven, my room with a lock. We talk for about a half an hour. I get him to calm down. I tell him he's not the reason they fight, that this has been going on before him. I don't know what I would have done if she had tried to take him. I didn't know something could effect me in that way. I learned something new about myself that day.

5- I met Ousa through Nick, and I was very glad I did. He seems to be one of the hardest working and serious (hallaloujah) young filmmakers I know. Finally on 'Whisper' I got the chance to work with him. Some how I got mildly talented in lighting (out of nowhere... I mean it) and I got to work on the first really professional student set on those nights. I met a bunch of really  nice people, also got the chance to get Khegan involved, which is always a plus because she's really talented and now she seems to be on the right track with her carrer thanks to this meeting (and I'm so glad to help a friend, and its worked out better than I could have ever imagined). She disserves it, we all do. We're all hard working, and everyone I met on set shares the same focus that I do... it was really a renewing experience in a year that could have gone stale. I am really excited about the future of these people and I will try to stay connected to people that I think are as serious, and at the same time as carefree as I am. IHOP that night was a blast, too.

4- Shockerfest this year was more fun than it ever had been. Last year I set my sights on conquoring this festival and with no undue modesty I think I did this year. I was proud to win the student film scholarship for my film Self Help and that was definately a plus. I actually had a really good time this year and was much more involved then I had been in previous years. I ran the projectors for a respectable amount of time, which was cool because I got into the festival free and I got to see the inner-workings of Brenden Theaters. I met Kris, which is a very nice guy to talk to sometimes and whom I've become better friends with since. Among the best moments were the screening of War of the Worlds with Ann and her son in the audience, the possibility of meeting Shelly Winters as a result (which I'm still trying to find his number so I can get a hold of this legendary actress in my favorite movie of all time!); also the award dinner where I got to meet a lot of celebrities and dine with them... when my name was announced and I was called up to say something in front of all these industry professionals....*choke*. I did alright, but when I had to summerize my film my eyes darted over to the screenplay teacher who spent most his class teaching us how to pitch film... I don't think I impressed him. (Oh well.) I can't forget to include the after the fest festivities, where I got to get mildly drunk and even better watch other film big-wigs get drunk too. Without giving out too much information... there was nudity, there was a drunken trip through a drive-through, and a bunch of puke. It was fun and a very odd thing for me to be involved in, even though none of the things I mentioned I was a first party of. It was a lot of fun and I got to see a different side of "grown-up professionals" that will always stay in my mind and make me less intimidated to work with them.

3- The twenty four hour project was actually a failure. I mean if you look at it as entry to a contest... it failed. However, the things I learned from this twenty four hours was well worth it and the people I met are some of my favorite film people I've yet gotten the chance to meet. I didn't like my generation of filmmakers, last year when I joined they were all snobby and unflinching...and those were the dedicated ones. This year I got a chance to live film again through the new generation (and it made me feel really old). Theo and I got to work together, though granted it probably wasn't the best first project to do in the craziness and unorginized time limits the festival provided... but it was fun anyway. I got to see and meet some very dedicated and hell of nice people such as Chris Sheid, Kris with a K, Darren, Brit, Rosie, austin, alfonso, zack and a bunch others that can't get mad if I don't mention you. It was the first project I had done without any class time or annoying people limiting me, and that was why it failed. It was totally my fault and this was a great lesson to learn here instead of waiting until its a project with money involved. Under those conditions I should have adapted to the circumstances and instead I called take after take, I didn't have a clear plan of the story, I let the inerta of the day overtake me and a bunch of other things. I learned that I do have an ego, and a very strong will. Sometimes this is a good thing and sometimes its not. I've taken careful consideration to isolate that part of myself and decide what I like and what I don't. I'm much more confident now and I won't let myself become this anal type director... though I know what I want and won't stop until I get it. Confusing I know... but it's being balanced out as we speak. It was the last time I really felt scared as a filmmaker. I remember walking out of Theo's room when the group was trying to figure out the story we had going and walking around the neighborhood trying to get a grip. I kept thinking over and over in my head "How can I save this project... How can I save this project"... because it was already afternoon and we were getting stuck. The feeling of accomplishment filming elaborate sequences with competitent people and then that feeling of failure when we couldn't make it. It was heavy for me and I took it really hard.

The next day my mom did something for me that I would have never expected: she got me a job. She had went down to the festival expecting to see our film play in the festival and was shocked to hear when we didn't make it. She ended up staying and having lunch with one of the directors of the festival without knowing it, and after finding out who she was getting me a job as a projectionist. She comes back home that night saying that she did something really good. When she told me at first I didn't like that she did it, but after calling the contact she had gotten me I was thrilled. I went down, did projection for a day, got to meet some great filmmakers and make some good contacts, explained myself to the director of the festival for why we didn't make it. (something that I wanted to do, but nobody in the group thought to do... including me)  I saved our school's reputation, my reputation, and even got an animated sound job out of it and maybe more in the future. I stayed for the after party and even met Robert Hays and saw a screening of Airplane... all things that I would have never imagined I would have done... all of sudden came to be without my even realizing it was happening. The lessons: many friends can be made and some though you may try can be lost or maybe found again, always patch your mistakes... never run, every mess can be cleaned up, and moms (and I'm lucky to have one I know) can be some of the best things in the world. I went through a lifetime in those three days, the depressions, the happiness... the thrills and disapointments... it was heavy.

2-I didn't mention my college life much in last years best moments, because though I loved film... I was really not incredibly happy. My good friends had almost all moved on or were still in high school and I didn't really know what to do with myself. At the time, I had made a couple of good moves... impressing Nick enough to get a job as a lab-aid though I had only been there one semester and working hard enough to stay in Ms. Mingus' good gracious enough to get to know her and how nice she really is. This year, my second semester marked my year as a lab-aid and man have I learned a lot. I've learned work-ethics, some small tricks of the trade and some realism of the real world of filmmaking. A year ago I didn't know what I was going to do to become a filmmaker. I remember sitting there in quiet classroom, with twenty other dreamers and wondering why nobody seemed to be alive... if they were filmmakers, observers of an interesting world... why weren't they speaking? I decided this year, as a lab-aid, that I would take on the whole program... try to mold it into something nicer, something more fun, louder, harder... show others the kind of joy that I get out of making movies... a pride that should be there... and a striving for quality. To make this omlette, I had to break some eggs. Namely I had to overcome the boredom that was dominating that semester. It helped that I was a lab-aid, it helped that nobody quite figures out that I'm so strong willed until its too late. I decided that instead of being quiet that I would explode with the energy that I had suppressed publically for months. I remember the first time I saw Joey Mauk how I surprised him with my knowledge of classic film, that I actually talked instead of just listened. It was the beginning of my efforts... I went on to make Self Help, fight for it, and it was a fight. I almost missed being the director of that, only got it because I was more prepared and more responsible. If Joey had brought in a paper explaining his "vision" of the film he might have got it, but he wasn't prepared. I tried to make all the right moves, after all this was my first team collaberation project... no more almost good films, I decided.  I wanted to make something to be proud of, so I fought every day for it. Unfortuately our views couldn't be more different on what makes a good film, Joey's and I. As the decisions got harder, and as I started taking more and more control of the film (he was convinced from the semester before that his personality could out talk mine). The moment that takes the number two spot is one that I have never gotten into before (not since Kindergarden at least) in which I came extremely close to getting into a fist fight with my assistant director Joey Mauk. He tried to keep me watching a monitor, while he directed my movie... he tried to lead the actors in directions that confused them... he tried to dictate camera shots that were entirely different than what I had in mind... and yet he tried to convince me that they were my ideas! It was a battle of wills that could be felt all through the set of Self Help. We were not getting the shots done, and I stupidly just sat and watched... trying to give him free rein of the lighting scheme... he getting nowhere and blaming me for moving my camera in difficult angles to light. Granted, I had no pre-plan for camera shots and I let him have too much control... I was very unprepared I realize now. So, finally it all led up to the climax... third day of filming: mingus is unhappy with the lighting of the scene and calls for re-shooting... we are re-shooting... and I ask him to put a light somewhere that makes the scene look better, he takes forever and puts us behind. Stress and bad planning makes me take forever and I put us further behind. It's the end of the day and almost nothing has been filmed and he calls me over and threatens to walk off the set... (not tell Mingus and get me fired which is what he should have done... she probably would have). I tell him that if wants to go he needs to go. I'm still having problems trying to be the boss, and I try to work something out with him, as he continues to not move off set. He calls me an Asshole and I fly apart... I tell him to leave if he wants but I'm not going to let him ruin the film...blah blah blah... he stays and nothing afterwards filmed is good... I argue further with both Joeys about professionalism on set... and get a power trip about being director and tell them to go to mingus. The next day I tell them that I'm going to mingus myself, because I'm afraid that the film will suffer. I do, its the worst day I've ever had at MJC... but afterwards both Joey's bend to my will and the film gets made the way I want it to. Eventually, now that I was better prepared (thanks to Mingus and Nick) I got things back on track again, both Joey's got back into the spirit of making it again (though they were constantly being over apoligetic which made me feel like the biggest fink) and the film was made. At the screening, a very proud moment, somebody asked what was the hardest part about making the film and without knowing it I'm suddenly looking at Joey. He gives me a smile, knowing what I'm thinking, and I give a line about finding good actors. This is the first time I've ever told the whole story to anybody but a few close friends. This memory at first showed me the power of my will, and now coupled with the 24 hour experience serves as a lesson. I don't want to be some anal filmmaker, though I know what I want... so my plan is to find others who I trust enough to work with... do some giving and taking... and hopefully all things will work out. I'm really hoping that this leaf film will be just that, not just my movie or my vision... not a fight like it was with SH, but a communitaltive effort, with myself at the helm... making a much better film than any one of us could make on our own. The best of everybody, and a fun time. That's my hope.

1- Finally the trip that I mention probably too much, but it was the most amazing two weeks of this year and hands down one of my most intersting memories ever. The trip to Sonora and the Gold Rush PBS trip was like no other, I learned a lot about myself and I grew up enough so that I could survive this semester. From the first two days picking up sludge from the bottom of the river, to the day in waste deep muck moving rocks barebacked in the summer sun... this was proof of my devotion to my craft. At night I drinked with Nick and Josh and Jarod, laughing my head off sometimes at how totally smashed they were (innocently of course). My innocent efforts to play a game of risk now and then with my then trying to becomes friends with Nick (which pretty much failed, though I talk to him now and then). I got to know Jarod on this trip, which I like quite a bit now and I hope to work with again. My friend Teresa took me out to dinner on my birthday, my first away from home and other then her totally uncelebrated by everyone else... that sucked. It was funny when Jarod and Teresa went and smoked weed secretly and thought I didn't know (or that I would care... it was really knave of them). I still had my CD player then, new to downloading music, and enjoying every song I ever wanted to own finally at my fingertips. I walked by myself a lot, listening to music, wondering if I could ever make it away from home... or if it were these particular people that were just not that great to live with. I enjoyed my walk with Aika, who had to go the bathroom really bad and we were totally lost... walking in on a college graduation and taking pictures for people; talks with Lauren that were nice too. Getting semi-drunk and shooting golf balls off the side of a man's property, on top of a cliff... getting lost and ending up at a casino. Then there was the actual production: there were three people that interested me the most: Kiffmeyer, Kit and Neil. All the other production people were kind of typical Hollywood types. Kiffmeyer had invited us up to his place in SF to look at all his new lights and help him load them up. He is quite the character... nice as hell... constantly teaching us things (we weren't getting paid after all) and even gave us flashlights. We worked hard for him, hardest I've ever worked in my life! We lugged 20-40 pound wheel barrels and stands up and down hills, set up lights, held reflectors, anything and everything. I couldn't work as a grip forever, it was killer on my back.  Kit was the camera assistant, who took a shine to us, talked to us about the films we liked... taught Nick a lot about camera (since he worked with him more)... got me involved with the camera as much as possible (which was the struggle, since I was not camera). I have two stories that make this the number one memory of this year: First, Neil told us that this was the first project that he had been on in over a year, since his wife of many years died. He was a greying man in his sixties, absolutely the most knowledgeable and coolest hand on set, never got nervous or yelled, always got what he wanted. He told us this story... he had worked for many years struggling to become a DP, working on every student film he could get his hands on...  he did camera for hundreds of documentaries and music videos throughout his career and basically made those two things his bread and butter for his carrer. During that time, his wife was struggling too. She took off work to write a book for a big college. At the time he told her not to worry about working, and to take her time writing the book. She did, it was bought, and now... and this was the part that a tear went into my eye... now that she's dead the royalties from her book still come in, a hundred thousand dollars a year... enough to keep him wealthy for the rest of his life and so that he has the freedom to do whatever he wants to do. He loved his wife, and missed her greatly... this was the first job he had taken... they had asked him directly and he was flattered. Now he was slated to direct a motion picture, and things were looking good again.

The second story was from me, it was kind of the definition of me this year, the best and the worst. Though I did a good job, and struggled through, and had a good time I still felt like I wasn't being myself enough. I felt suppressed, which was how I had felt for a long time and was something that I think I did on purpose to avoid hardship. I was outside of wrap party, in Jamestown, sitting on a bench in a park by myself  and staring at the stars. I looked up at the sky, with a feeling of total loss.  Moments before, Kit, the man who I really looked up to told me how it really is... I had asked him if I could get his contact information for future work... and he told me in the nicest voice I've ever heard... totally honest... he said that we probably wouldn't work together again... that none of us would probably never work together again... that it might... but probably not. I know this sounds harsh, but somehow it really said something to me. Here was a room of college students who were biting at the bits, desparate to get numbers and pawn off copies of their films to these people they looked up to and here was this guy, the only one that was trying to soften the blow and be honest. The truth is some work did come out of that, I don't mean he was totally right, but I appreciated the honesty. This was a true film maker, and so were a few others... but many of them were just holding on... making a living and not caring about the art. It really set the prespective for me and made me think hard about whether I wanted to continue this venture. I sat outside on that bench staring at the sky, much like I walked around theo's neighborhood that day later and I started thinking "i'm not going to make it... i'm not going to make it"... and for a second I thought I really wasn't. I run at life so hard and expect so much from it, and I expect so much from myself... every once and a while something or somebody just lets me have it. Sometimes its just somebody who doesn't want anything to do with me, sometimes its a realization that I do in fact have an ego... but the core is worth it. I find my inner peace in the weirdest places... in a simple friendship, in my fight between family, in a dream being realized, in people's like ambition, in randomness and craziness. In life I'm learning to let things be, enjoy life and not worry about the things I don't have. I'm learning to be an adult, to be steadfast and unmoveable, to scream my voice until its heard... to be an individual... totally free. I'm learning, if not too late in life, to just live. I don't know if I'll ever reach my career goal, or keep the friends that are really nice to chill with or have a lunch with now and then, or a nephew that looks up to me like a brother, or live up to a family that depends on me or a world that seems cold sometimes that I could make better. It's been a year at home, 2005, with many successes. The world seems infinite again, and my dreams are re-newed and re-imagined.

Happy New Year
To every contributing soul to the massive stew of humanity: Thank you.

Curtis James Lawrence Medina