Esthetics of a carcinogen
In some kind of quivering forest of internal chaos that is just unrecognizable enough that it can tear me asunder, I lay myself down. There's a reason I average about 4 hours a night. Sleep is a force that pulls on me at times where it's impossibility just mocks me; once its possibility comes in sight, it is a fleeting, hollow memory. When I do, in fact, bring myself to those 4 or so hours each night, I find myself thrown into a maelstrom, a chaos, more violent and disorienting than anything I've ever really experienced. I misplace locations, and often imagine I'm waking up in many different places. It's kind of like sleeping in a constant state of waking up. I dream that I awake in an alley, a dance hall, the middle of a party, a stranger's room and go back to sleep, only to reawake up in an unpleasant and hostile place later on in my dream. When I finally do wake up, I'm happy to be in my actual bed, only I feel more tired and my body is sore. My back is getting worse. It's becoming difficult to trust myself anymore. Coffee is really what gets me through the day sometimes.
There are some days where beauty just injects itself into the world. The world-in-its-everydayness and the variations of human experience. I love the Metro. Well, I hate it until you are actually on your car(train thing?) and everything is calm, except for the constant need to balance yourself due to its stop-go-stop nature. Today I saw a Parisian express emotion on the Metro. Probably the first time I've ever seen it happen. This woman took her child out of the stroller where it was strapped in like it was going to get blasted into space. So, I naturally cleared out of the way so that she could sit down. The woman who was sitting next to the mother went from looking straight ahead and the typical robot-Parisian expression, but once she saw the kid waving its hands in front of her face, she lit up and started making crazy-ass, bug-eyed faces at this kid and he was splittin' the air with his laughter. The mother was kinda surprised and like, 'what the hell is this crazy ass lady doin' making my kid crack up?' I thought I was the only person that loved making nutty faces at random kids. She kept looking at me because she knew I was cool and we had that 'bug-eye, I love making faces at random kids' connection. At one point, she looked at me and then went really crazy and the kid laughed so hard he lost his footing on his Mum's leg. She looked at me again, smiling and I started laughing my ass off in the middle of the grumpy, 9am Tuesday morning, Line 4 Metro and suddenly everyone looked at me as if I was the mad one. I just kept chuckling. Then it was my stop and I got off.
Last night and today have been the windiest chunks of time I've ever seen in Pairs, and on the walk to my course, I saw a Pigeon try to fly and fail. Really fail. It almost ran into a building. A building. I almost saw a bird get pwnd by a building. I think the only thing funnier than watching birds fail at flying is watching little kids cry.
The last piece of beauty is when I was buying cigarettes. The man behind me in line asked for his pack of cigs and then after paying for them, stood there for a second and asked "qu'est-ce que c'est ce blanche truc là ba? Sont-ils petits bon-bons?" with a 'damn, I want some candy' kind of rise to his voice. What he was indicating to were filters. I don't know why someone would stack the candy right next to the cigarettes in a Tabac. I kind of started laughing at him as the lady took them down to show the man and said, "Comme rouler n'est pas assez difficile. Il faut ajouter un autre truc!" Probably the best thing about French is that there are two words that signify different uses of the word 'thing'.
On another note, I got a most excellent (although lacking in originality) idea last night. Just like Brian and I used to super-glue quarters to the cafeteria floor, I thought that it'd be a fabulous idea to super glue Euros to the ground on the platforms of the metro stations that I use the most. I could also start getting really creative, like gluing a big, shiny 2 Euro piece right next to the entrance where everyone squeezes into the gates, so someone would stop to try and pick it up and cause a huge person-jam. I just need a partner in crime. I'm sure Ted would be down, as he's already my partner in my search for new bike parts, which is rather fruitful, it turns out...
Additionally, I picked up a copy of Merleau-Ponty's Phénoménologie de la perception and sat in a café by Saint Michel today reading that and this Cog-Neuro Tomme of a book, Wet Mind for about two hours. I think an examination of Phenomenology through a Cognitive Science perspective will permit me to add a new critical edge to my obsession, as last Semester it was Phenomenology and Metaphysics. Really interesting, huh? Well, I'm excited to continue my research project....
So, in conclusion, I'm kinda like a house of cards, or am living one. Internally, I'm shredded to shit and at my wits end. Not to mention this cold thing that feels more like Tuberculosis by the day and it's getting worse...BUT life outside is going well. I'm learnin' shit and goin' on adventures--hopefully peacin' it out to Italy next week. So, I should just continue looking at that beautiful horizon and ignore the fire that's creeping up to the crow's nest, right?
Indeed.
There are some days where beauty just injects itself into the world. The world-in-its-everydayness and the variations of human experience. I love the Metro. Well, I hate it until you are actually on your car(train thing?) and everything is calm, except for the constant need to balance yourself due to its stop-go-stop nature. Today I saw a Parisian express emotion on the Metro. Probably the first time I've ever seen it happen. This woman took her child out of the stroller where it was strapped in like it was going to get blasted into space. So, I naturally cleared out of the way so that she could sit down. The woman who was sitting next to the mother went from looking straight ahead and the typical robot-Parisian expression, but once she saw the kid waving its hands in front of her face, she lit up and started making crazy-ass, bug-eyed faces at this kid and he was splittin' the air with his laughter. The mother was kinda surprised and like, 'what the hell is this crazy ass lady doin' making my kid crack up?' I thought I was the only person that loved making nutty faces at random kids. She kept looking at me because she knew I was cool and we had that 'bug-eye, I love making faces at random kids' connection. At one point, she looked at me and then went really crazy and the kid laughed so hard he lost his footing on his Mum's leg. She looked at me again, smiling and I started laughing my ass off in the middle of the grumpy, 9am Tuesday morning, Line 4 Metro and suddenly everyone looked at me as if I was the mad one. I just kept chuckling. Then it was my stop and I got off.
Last night and today have been the windiest chunks of time I've ever seen in Pairs, and on the walk to my course, I saw a Pigeon try to fly and fail. Really fail. It almost ran into a building. A building. I almost saw a bird get pwnd by a building. I think the only thing funnier than watching birds fail at flying is watching little kids cry.
The last piece of beauty is when I was buying cigarettes. The man behind me in line asked for his pack of cigs and then after paying for them, stood there for a second and asked "qu'est-ce que c'est ce blanche truc là ba? Sont-ils petits bon-bons?" with a 'damn, I want some candy' kind of rise to his voice. What he was indicating to were filters. I don't know why someone would stack the candy right next to the cigarettes in a Tabac. I kind of started laughing at him as the lady took them down to show the man and said, "Comme rouler n'est pas assez difficile. Il faut ajouter un autre truc!" Probably the best thing about French is that there are two words that signify different uses of the word 'thing'.
On another note, I got a most excellent (although lacking in originality) idea last night. Just like Brian and I used to super-glue quarters to the cafeteria floor, I thought that it'd be a fabulous idea to super glue Euros to the ground on the platforms of the metro stations that I use the most. I could also start getting really creative, like gluing a big, shiny 2 Euro piece right next to the entrance where everyone squeezes into the gates, so someone would stop to try and pick it up and cause a huge person-jam. I just need a partner in crime. I'm sure Ted would be down, as he's already my partner in my search for new bike parts, which is rather fruitful, it turns out...
Additionally, I picked up a copy of Merleau-Ponty's Phénoménologie de la perception and sat in a café by Saint Michel today reading that and this Cog-Neuro Tomme of a book, Wet Mind for about two hours. I think an examination of Phenomenology through a Cognitive Science perspective will permit me to add a new critical edge to my obsession, as last Semester it was Phenomenology and Metaphysics. Really interesting, huh? Well, I'm excited to continue my research project....
So, in conclusion, I'm kinda like a house of cards, or am living one. Internally, I'm shredded to shit and at my wits end. Not to mention this cold thing that feels more like Tuberculosis by the day and it's getting worse...BUT life outside is going well. I'm learnin' shit and goin' on adventures--hopefully peacin' it out to Italy next week. So, I should just continue looking at that beautiful horizon and ignore the fire that's creeping up to the crow's nest, right?
Indeed.