things that i think about when i think about running
a waking dream. someone got me out of bed this morning
no one outside the door
heard it like anyone speaking
"hello?" where was this lost person?, i wondered,
trembling, in my room
put on a sweater and walked downstairs.
pale light and no one there.
which reminds me, didn't sleep so well last night
dreamt i was in a crowded tent. couldn't breathe, no
oxygen. darkness surrounded and ghost stories within
wondered what exactly i'd gotten myself into.
woke up sweating and had to get a drink of water.
to someone who is doing very well at getting close to me
a new best friend, my girl! asked her if i ever explained myself
she said no, never. i responded with my best french inhale.
her car sat idling in front of my empty house
we'd just left a room
full of people that i might be
unwillingly cruel to.
she says that they are moving in on her
approaching her in hallways to say hello
because i am somewhere behind her. this i can hardly accept.
she said no, you never do explain yourself; prodding, again
and i explained with an age-old metaphor
said i was a supernova
i just keep exploding, and exploding, and exploding.
never mind the lightyears of emptiness between.
she came inside and we sat by the table
and instead of telling about myself i
told the saga of you. the details were all there
i forgot to mention how we walk above the clouds
and are carried by sunlight around the world
but definitely mentioned flying, so the rest should follow.
showed her what you look or looked like
poured over the traces of you. she said i was stabbing
the computer mouse with a vengeance.
can she picture how it felt while i was
sprinting for a mile or more
through the cold night down half-lit streets
to reach my destination when you
said you missed me, on the beach.
and finally called and we talked about
something
for six minutes and you asked me to call when
the movie was done but that night grew more complex as
i sat in a lonely girl's bedroom watching my childhood celebrity crush
act onscreen and afterwards walked up to the swings
overlooking the city and i listened to her and
chided her and tried to make her feel safe.
it was four-thirty by the time i ran home again.
my girl friend sat there probably watching
as i stared around the room and admitted that, yes,
sometimes my bottom falls out and
i'm there but really i am so not there
and feel sort of bad that there aren't any
warning signs above my head, beware, those of you
who might be looking to pick up where we left off and
keep going like a seamless song. they nor i
can foresee these pitfalls. the only explanation or
apology i can offer is a field of silence
and a few brave questions
and politely sitting next to you but
not too close. i could only be in that room taking care of
only so many things- being careful not to drop anything,
remembering to breathe. saved by the silly conversations i can have with
my girl while she acts as easy envoy.
what a funny room.
two giants, my girl friend, two who were unwelcome,
one smiling and indifferent, and one whose humor does not interject.
went out on the porch with girl friend and giant no.2
because i can't hide that daily habit/ ritual
for too much longer, at least not for ever
(yes i can)
remember when i told you that for the entire time that you were around
i had this gigantic habit that you and the rest of the world, almost entirely,
were unaware of?
you seemed impressed
that i can steal away in the night
just as well as you always do.
i explained to my girl friend, though only in a sentence,
the pit in my stomach with the knowledge that you were
so close so far
away from me near me
and the knees
that gave way
and the ripping sound
and uncontrollable shaking.
forgot to mention the shore i couldn't see
across the water from our island
and giant no.1 walking by.
i could only smile weakly though easily
as i finished talking and she told me i was a girl
i looked down at the daily ensemble of boots skirt cardigan
long nails and makeup. yes, i will admit this.
our tea was finished and we both had to go to bed, she gave me a hug before i locked the door.
and my boss called yesterday to make sure that there was nothing she didn't know.
and my mum called this morning after the waking dream and though i pressed 'ignore'
she left a voicemail wishing me a happy day.
after my girl friend left i read a chapter or so more of the book that during the afternoon
i'd discussed with my great friend who is across the sea right now
he was so happy to hear that i'd read it
and over a gift of music said that he was slowly catching on to me.
i remember fondly those nights when i felt
unable to sleep in my own bed and settled into his and
his arms were around me and words were spoken directly
into my hair and i stole all of his covers
and there was never any music playing.
and it was never more than sleeping and talking,
two things i sometimes need help doing.
eventually i decided that i should probably get some sleep and
put on my new favorite night gown (my mum recently bought me a wardrobe of pajamas)
and was setting my alarm when in
disbelief saw for a quarter of an instant your name
and like you'd heard me
"miss you".
my girl friend sees things in relatively simple terms
we compare simple and complex.
she might be complex though sees things simply.
i might be simple beneath layers of seeing things complexly.
she said to me, across the table, a tired smiling voice
you miss him, don't you?
i hadn't even thought of that.
i wonder how that will sound
but i have a dream that is worth doing
steal my oldest friend's car
and i will run to you
i will run to you
this is something i've said to myself
standing outside beneath the porch light
snow falling in streaks before my face
light and smoke and snow mix
dry tears while my feet
lift off the ground
counting stars through an orange haze
i can picture where you are.
in this dream i am holding your head against my chest.
bought the album of music
that woke me up in your bed
wanted to know if you heard it too
it was beautiful, tragic poetry in a pretty voice
you were sound asleep
i lay on my back and listened in the darkness
i miss you, too. i miss you like i did walking on the beach
with your voice pressed against my ear
and sitting on the jetty while you were sitting in your woods
miss you like i do when, without my glasses on
strangers are shape-shifters.
miss you like i did the second i left
the steps i took toward my car were the most difficult
but you'd written love on my palm
in one of your rare acts.
miss you when i have trouble sleeping
and stuff the pillows against the wall and lean into them.
miss you in disbelief when you lightning into my life.
miss you when i might be the only one worrying.
and there are too many words that i could use
but i am your mirror and
i miss you, too.
it has passed and the racing of my heart outpaces the wind
no one outside the door
heard it like anyone speaking
"hello?" where was this lost person?, i wondered,
trembling, in my room
put on a sweater and walked downstairs.
pale light and no one there.
which reminds me, didn't sleep so well last night
dreamt i was in a crowded tent. couldn't breathe, no
oxygen. darkness surrounded and ghost stories within
wondered what exactly i'd gotten myself into.
woke up sweating and had to get a drink of water.
to someone who is doing very well at getting close to me
a new best friend, my girl! asked her if i ever explained myself
she said no, never. i responded with my best french inhale.
her car sat idling in front of my empty house
we'd just left a room
full of people that i might be
unwillingly cruel to.
she says that they are moving in on her
approaching her in hallways to say hello
because i am somewhere behind her. this i can hardly accept.
she said no, you never do explain yourself; prodding, again
and i explained with an age-old metaphor
said i was a supernova
i just keep exploding, and exploding, and exploding.
never mind the lightyears of emptiness between.
she came inside and we sat by the table
and instead of telling about myself i
told the saga of you. the details were all there
i forgot to mention how we walk above the clouds
and are carried by sunlight around the world
but definitely mentioned flying, so the rest should follow.
showed her what you look or looked like
poured over the traces of you. she said i was stabbing
the computer mouse with a vengeance.
can she picture how it felt while i was
sprinting for a mile or more
through the cold night down half-lit streets
to reach my destination when you
said you missed me, on the beach.
and finally called and we talked about
something
for six minutes and you asked me to call when
the movie was done but that night grew more complex as
i sat in a lonely girl's bedroom watching my childhood celebrity crush
act onscreen and afterwards walked up to the swings
overlooking the city and i listened to her and
chided her and tried to make her feel safe.
it was four-thirty by the time i ran home again.
my girl friend sat there probably watching
as i stared around the room and admitted that, yes,
sometimes my bottom falls out and
i'm there but really i am so not there
and feel sort of bad that there aren't any
warning signs above my head, beware, those of you
who might be looking to pick up where we left off and
keep going like a seamless song. they nor i
can foresee these pitfalls. the only explanation or
apology i can offer is a field of silence
and a few brave questions
and politely sitting next to you but
not too close. i could only be in that room taking care of
only so many things- being careful not to drop anything,
remembering to breathe. saved by the silly conversations i can have with
my girl while she acts as easy envoy.
what a funny room.
two giants, my girl friend, two who were unwelcome,
one smiling and indifferent, and one whose humor does not interject.
went out on the porch with girl friend and giant no.2
because i can't hide that daily habit/ ritual
for too much longer, at least not for ever
(yes i can)
remember when i told you that for the entire time that you were around
i had this gigantic habit that you and the rest of the world, almost entirely,
were unaware of?
you seemed impressed
that i can steal away in the night
just as well as you always do.
i explained to my girl friend, though only in a sentence,
the pit in my stomach with the knowledge that you were
so close so far
away from me near me
and the knees
that gave way
and the ripping sound
and uncontrollable shaking.
forgot to mention the shore i couldn't see
across the water from our island
and giant no.1 walking by.
i could only smile weakly though easily
as i finished talking and she told me i was a girl
i looked down at the daily ensemble of boots skirt cardigan
long nails and makeup. yes, i will admit this.
our tea was finished and we both had to go to bed, she gave me a hug before i locked the door.
and my boss called yesterday to make sure that there was nothing she didn't know.
and my mum called this morning after the waking dream and though i pressed 'ignore'
she left a voicemail wishing me a happy day.
after my girl friend left i read a chapter or so more of the book that during the afternoon
i'd discussed with my great friend who is across the sea right now
he was so happy to hear that i'd read it
and over a gift of music said that he was slowly catching on to me.
i remember fondly those nights when i felt
unable to sleep in my own bed and settled into his and
his arms were around me and words were spoken directly
into my hair and i stole all of his covers
and there was never any music playing.
and it was never more than sleeping and talking,
two things i sometimes need help doing.
eventually i decided that i should probably get some sleep and
put on my new favorite night gown (my mum recently bought me a wardrobe of pajamas)
and was setting my alarm when in
disbelief saw for a quarter of an instant your name
and like you'd heard me
"miss you".
my girl friend sees things in relatively simple terms
we compare simple and complex.
she might be complex though sees things simply.
i might be simple beneath layers of seeing things complexly.
she said to me, across the table, a tired smiling voice
you miss him, don't you?
i hadn't even thought of that.
i wonder how that will sound
but i have a dream that is worth doing
steal my oldest friend's car
and i will run to you
i will run to you
this is something i've said to myself
standing outside beneath the porch light
snow falling in streaks before my face
light and smoke and snow mix
dry tears while my feet
lift off the ground
counting stars through an orange haze
i can picture where you are.
in this dream i am holding your head against my chest.
bought the album of music
that woke me up in your bed
wanted to know if you heard it too
it was beautiful, tragic poetry in a pretty voice
you were sound asleep
i lay on my back and listened in the darkness
i miss you, too. i miss you like i did walking on the beach
with your voice pressed against my ear
and sitting on the jetty while you were sitting in your woods
miss you like i do when, without my glasses on
strangers are shape-shifters.
miss you like i did the second i left
the steps i took toward my car were the most difficult
but you'd written love on my palm
in one of your rare acts.
miss you when i have trouble sleeping
and stuff the pillows against the wall and lean into them.
miss you in disbelief when you lightning into my life.
miss you when i might be the only one worrying.
and there are too many words that i could use
but i am your mirror and
i miss you, too.
it has passed and the racing of my heart outpaces the wind