Livejournal wouldn't let me post for a few days...
So I got frustrated and resorted to facebook notes. Pathetic, I know, but I prefer typing my entries just because I can go back and add on, reword a few phrases to better the flow, or change the format right before I post to in order to facilitate reading.
Anyway, here's my entry from facebook (and from last night around midnight).
I feel weird not having it in my lj.
I feel a little bit old. Without school, I've had quite a bit of time to reflect. It's so strange thinking back to the beliefs I had as a freshmen, and, quite frankly, the thoughts I had even just last year.
I remember thinking so long ago that premarital sex, drugs, and alcohol were evil. Like actually evil. Still not a huge fan of drugs, especially hardcore ones, though I haven't tried any, but I don't think they're necessarily evil. Some, disgusting, but not evil. Which makes me think where I got the notion of it being evil. I've never been religious in my life so I wonder how my morals formed. My parents just recently gave me a sex talk, so it's not like I've been hearing that all my life. I also haven't been friends with the most religious of people my entire life.
Alcohol, I used to have a problem with people who used it. I don't know if I'm still as judgmental but in different areas, or if I've grown far more tolerant. Or perhaps I just got used to people drinking.
And sex. My opinion is constantly changing. For the longest time, I felt that you had to be in love before you did anything or it meant absolutely nothing, thus was useless. I felt that you had to wait until marriage for sexual intercourse for some strange reason.
I've been questioning where my morals came from for quite some time this year. It's just interesting how we change over time.
But now, I'm questioning why I've changed. I'm wondering if I wasn't so wrong about a few things. A first time, for sex anyway, is supposed to be special, right? Second, third, etc, I've been told don't really matter. Personally, I wouldn't know. I suppose I thought that sex had to have meaning. I see now that it's just an exchange of bodily fluids and satisfaction of hormones until it has meaning. Oh, and not to mention that before, if anyone did anything outside of a relationship, they were obviously sluts. Obviously.
And within questioning, I wonder why I question. Is it because I don't trust myself? Or is it because I'm genuinely interested behind the psychology of my mind?
And there's so much more I wonder about. I look back to my aspirations and compare them to the hopes I have now.
I've always wanted the perfect marriage with children, the white picket fence and the whole nine yards. Well, okay, maybe not so much the fence, but you know what I mean.
At first, I just wanted to be a stay at home mom. I've wanted to teach for a while. I also wanted to be a psychologist. Teaching is apparently winning at this point, but who knows where another four years will take me.
I thought I'd always stay here, in Oregon. I'd go far away for college, but end up back here. Well, I'm not going that far, but who knows where I'll end up.
I thought I'd have that one really meaningful romantic relationship by now. I guess it wasn't meant to be.
I never thought my father would be such an asshole. I never imagined getting hit or half of the verbal abuse I've been getting for the past four years.
I've always seen myself with a female best friend rather than a male one. Well, as feminine as Michael is, I'm pretty sure he's male. :P
I've also thought I'd have the ability to wake up early.
heh, writing this at this hour doesn't help that^ very much, now does it?
Anyway, here's my entry from facebook (and from last night around midnight).
I feel weird not having it in my lj.
I feel a little bit old. Without school, I've had quite a bit of time to reflect. It's so strange thinking back to the beliefs I had as a freshmen, and, quite frankly, the thoughts I had even just last year.
I remember thinking so long ago that premarital sex, drugs, and alcohol were evil. Like actually evil. Still not a huge fan of drugs, especially hardcore ones, though I haven't tried any, but I don't think they're necessarily evil. Some, disgusting, but not evil. Which makes me think where I got the notion of it being evil. I've never been religious in my life so I wonder how my morals formed. My parents just recently gave me a sex talk, so it's not like I've been hearing that all my life. I also haven't been friends with the most religious of people my entire life.
Alcohol, I used to have a problem with people who used it. I don't know if I'm still as judgmental but in different areas, or if I've grown far more tolerant. Or perhaps I just got used to people drinking.
And sex. My opinion is constantly changing. For the longest time, I felt that you had to be in love before you did anything or it meant absolutely nothing, thus was useless. I felt that you had to wait until marriage for sexual intercourse for some strange reason.
I've been questioning where my morals came from for quite some time this year. It's just interesting how we change over time.
But now, I'm questioning why I've changed. I'm wondering if I wasn't so wrong about a few things. A first time, for sex anyway, is supposed to be special, right? Second, third, etc, I've been told don't really matter. Personally, I wouldn't know. I suppose I thought that sex had to have meaning. I see now that it's just an exchange of bodily fluids and satisfaction of hormones until it has meaning. Oh, and not to mention that before, if anyone did anything outside of a relationship, they were obviously sluts. Obviously.
And within questioning, I wonder why I question. Is it because I don't trust myself? Or is it because I'm genuinely interested behind the psychology of my mind?
And there's so much more I wonder about. I look back to my aspirations and compare them to the hopes I have now.
I've always wanted the perfect marriage with children, the white picket fence and the whole nine yards. Well, okay, maybe not so much the fence, but you know what I mean.
At first, I just wanted to be a stay at home mom. I've wanted to teach for a while. I also wanted to be a psychologist. Teaching is apparently winning at this point, but who knows where another four years will take me.
I thought I'd always stay here, in Oregon. I'd go far away for college, but end up back here. Well, I'm not going that far, but who knows where I'll end up.
I thought I'd have that one really meaningful romantic relationship by now. I guess it wasn't meant to be.
I never thought my father would be such an asshole. I never imagined getting hit or half of the verbal abuse I've been getting for the past four years.
I've always seen myself with a female best friend rather than a male one. Well, as feminine as Michael is, I'm pretty sure he's male. :P
I've also thought I'd have the ability to wake up early.
heh, writing this at this hour doesn't help that^ very much, now does it?