(no subject)
i am tired as fuck. stayed up all night. obviously not in belize. too long of a story to even talk about. watched american psycho at 3am with roomies +1. still tired as fuck. oh god.
went to the fresh market and bought a six pack of woodchuck because i feel like i need a treat. going to bring some to rachel's and hang out with her for a few minutes then try and force the friend that happens to be male into going to the box or something. or possibly cuddling me while i cry from exhaustion and sleep deprivation and stress.
well i wrote that yesterday and i forgot to save it, and that's essentially what happened. yay. box was weird as fuck. saw people there i wanted to see, didn't want to see. life goes on...lalala.
haley is currently snoring next to me on my floor. i swear she falls asleep the quickest out of anyone i've ever met .i'm talking to her one second, literally, the next she's passed out cold. mid-sentence. it has always amazed me. we sat in the car tonight and listened to "isis" and i smoked. she said, "i know why you like him and why that freaks you out. he's intuitive and he won't ignore anything or let you pull the wool over his eyes". she's right. he also helps me focus. she told me to stop listening to "isis". she said, "i know which lines you are focusing on....it's not even the song on a whole anymore, it's the idea behind one verse...' and i said, "oh, what's that?" she said, "we broke into the tomb but the casket was empty, there was no jewels...that verse". i faltered, then agreed. that's the part that terrifies me the most about myself. we discussed the ideas of placeholders. i can't even fathom that with this situation though...i know what it's like to be alone. i've been alone. this is different, and i don't understand it. i don't understand why i feel compelled to talk to him, to look at him, to be around him. i haven't felt like that in years. i don't understand it. it scares me, it terrifies me to envision the rollercoaster that it could become.
i've paid the price of solitude, but at least i'm out of debbbbt.
i'm happy. but i'm in constant fear of the bell jar descending again. i could be anywhere, in the store, at the park...and suddenly it'll come down upon me and stay there until i'm near suffocation. like some big cosmic hand has me trapped under it's thumb and won't let me wriggle free.
went to the fresh market and bought a six pack of woodchuck because i feel like i need a treat. going to bring some to rachel's and hang out with her for a few minutes then try and force the friend that happens to be male into going to the box or something. or possibly cuddling me while i cry from exhaustion and sleep deprivation and stress.
well i wrote that yesterday and i forgot to save it, and that's essentially what happened. yay. box was weird as fuck. saw people there i wanted to see, didn't want to see. life goes on...lalala.
haley is currently snoring next to me on my floor. i swear she falls asleep the quickest out of anyone i've ever met .i'm talking to her one second, literally, the next she's passed out cold. mid-sentence. it has always amazed me. we sat in the car tonight and listened to "isis" and i smoked. she said, "i know why you like him and why that freaks you out. he's intuitive and he won't ignore anything or let you pull the wool over his eyes". she's right. he also helps me focus. she told me to stop listening to "isis". she said, "i know which lines you are focusing on....it's not even the song on a whole anymore, it's the idea behind one verse...' and i said, "oh, what's that?" she said, "we broke into the tomb but the casket was empty, there was no jewels...that verse". i faltered, then agreed. that's the part that terrifies me the most about myself. we discussed the ideas of placeholders. i can't even fathom that with this situation though...i know what it's like to be alone. i've been alone. this is different, and i don't understand it. i don't understand why i feel compelled to talk to him, to look at him, to be around him. i haven't felt like that in years. i don't understand it. it scares me, it terrifies me to envision the rollercoaster that it could become.
i've paid the price of solitude, but at least i'm out of debbbbt.
i'm happy. but i'm in constant fear of the bell jar descending again. i could be anywhere, in the store, at the park...and suddenly it'll come down upon me and stay there until i'm near suffocation. like some big cosmic hand has me trapped under it's thumb and won't let me wriggle free.