(Untitled)

[adhd_phd]

A thunderous THUNK and the screeching of metal against metal echoes through the Red Dwarf. Shortly thereafter, an equally jarring audio transmission crackles from the speakers. The voice speaks very quickly, rarely pausing to take a breath.

Hmmm . . . Very large. Very utilitarian. Deep space. Human text. Red Dwarf. Perhaps abandoned? Expect no one

Comments

[ajrimmer_ssc]

[ERM. Hello, red alert. The bulb was already changed even!]

Ah, this is acting captain Arnold J. Rimmer, please identify yourself and your craft? Please? And don't shoot?

[adhd_phd]

Mordin Solus, piloting emergency vessel. Escape pod originating on the MSV Rotterdam. Left Omega thirty-four hours ago, bound for the Citadel. Critical ship malfunction in mass relay. Cause for emergency evacuation.

No intention to shoot. Ask questions first. May change mind later.

Acting captain? Original captain is dead? What about rest of crew? Ship in distress? Far from known star systems. Perhaps drifting for a long time. Possible unrest in ranks. Dwindling resources. [Sniff] Cannibalism? Proceed with caution.

[ajrimmer_ssc]

Cannibalism? What? No! There's no cannibalism here, what are you even talking about?

Look, erm. Mordin. Can you head for docking bay 7? Port side, just aft of the hydrogen scoop. I think that's the closest one to where you hit us. I think.

[adhd_phd]

Merely thinking aloud. Habit.

[There is a pause as Mordin is presumably navigating the escape pod to the suggested location. ] Curious ship. Merchant-class vessel? What is planet of origin? Cargo?

[ajrimmer_ssc]

Erm. We're from Earth, mainly. And our cargo is - or rather was - mining supplies and raw silicates. Ores. This is a mining ship.

You seem to know a lot about this sort of thing. Even though I've never heard of the MVS Rotterdam.

[adhd_phd]

Simple visual assessment. No visible guns? Not military, although possibly a fighter carrier. Design not sophisticated. Utilitarian. You say mining ship? Understandable.

Appear to be in docking bay. Does ship observe decontamination procedures? Advisable if crew is predominantly human. Came from Omega, treating plague there. Humans susceptible. Do not want to carry it aboard.

[ajrimmer_ssc]

...What.

Oh smegging hell you're kidding me? Hnngh just what I bloody didn't need...Quarantine. Right. Back right the smeg out of bay seven and head to bay forty-seven. It's a bit further along on the right, can't miss it.

[adhd_phd]

Very well. Worth the precaution. Would be foolish, impolite to eradicate possible rescuers with pathogen.

[ Background clicking and the rumbling sound of engines in reverse. ]. . . "Smeg"? Auto-translation malfunction? Not familiar with this word. Operates as a noun?

[ajrimmer_ssc]

Is this really the time or the place to be discussing the etymology of the word "smeg?"

[adhd_phd]

Inappropriate? Didn't think you would -- for instance -- be interested in symptoms of this pathogen. Curiously-colored mucous from equally curious orifices. Discussing lingual anomalies much less distressing.

Perhaps suggest better topic?

[ajrimmer_ssc]

Oh god.

We don't even have a bloody ship's surgeon. If you get my crew sick I swear to God....

[adhd_phd]

Not to worry; am a doctor. More than willing, more than capable of curing plague. Promise! Have completed more challenging tasks in scientific career.

No medical professionals aboard ship? How many crew total? Have not answered previous question: captain is incapacitated? What has happened?

[Sniff] . . . May not wish to board. Do not need to deal with mutinous personnel. May take chances drifting in space.

[ajrimmer_ssc]

[HEAD SLAP.]

There wasn't a mutiny. There was an accident. Our Cadmium II reactor went critical. It's a very long story. About three million years long, actually. Not everybody here is from this dimension, however, Doctor. So keep that in mind before you judge, please. I think there's...hang on, mental head count...eleven of us? Maybe twelve, I swear I'm forgetting somebody.

So, it's your call. You can go about your business until your oxygen runs out, or you can join us and cure that plague you're carrying first.

[adhd_phd]

[ A stretch of silence follows. This is very unusual given the speed at which all the previous responses have come. A mess of mechanical noises fills the radio silence. ]

Three million years? Humans not capable of space travel for more than two hundred. Were barely bipedal three million years ago. Does not make sense historically.

Not to mention interdimensional travel still scientifically impossible. Strange assertions. Must be joke.

. . . Or possible psychological effects of reactor meltdown, trauma of losing most of crew. Delusions, dementia. Interesting. Worth observation?

[ajrimmer_ssc]

I am not senile! And it is possible, trust me. Don't ask me how it works, it just does. Look, I said it's a long story. Do you really want it now? Or after you've had a chance to bump into my ship a second time and lose all your air-tightness?

[adhd_phd]

No. Focus on task at hand. Yes, yes. Then story. Very curious. Boarding ship good idea. Answer questions.

Drifting in pod painfully boring. Rehearsed All's Well That Ends Well. Auditioned for Lafeu. [sniff] "He hath abandoned his physicians, madam; under whose practices he hath persecuted time with hope, and finds no other advantage in the process but only the
losing of hope by time."