Fic - Making Whoopee - One Shot
Title: Making Whoopee
Rating: PG-13 (just to be safe)
Pairings/Characters: Tony/Steve, Peter.
Warnings: Horrible analogies of sex and the birds and the bees
Summary: Peter sadly has to learn the hard way about the birds and the bees.
A/N: Posted from my tumblr, so if you've read it before, it's still the same ol' little one shot., not even shinnied up or anything... need to do that sometime.
Peter stared up at the clock on the kitchen wall before glancing towards the darkened hallway with a sigh. It was eleven o’clock. They were past being fashionably late and headed straight into being freakishly late.
A light tapping began to echo through the small living space as Peter’s leg started to bounce in annoyance. They had promised him that he could go to the opening of the new exhibit at the Museum of Natural History today. Had told him explicitly that nothing would interfere with their family outing, not even work. Which coming from his parents was a huge sentiment.
Taking a long drink of his soda the fourteen year-old had made up his mind, he was going to be the adult of this family-ship and get his parents butts in gear! Standing, the youngster puffed out his chest and made his way down the hall and towards his parents room, not even thinking to knock before he grabbed the door knob and pushed the door open.
“Dad, pops, it’s waaa- OH MY GOD!” Peter stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes going wide and his mouth dropping open in shock at the sight before him.
“Peter! It’s not what it looks like!” Steve shouted, his muscular arms quickly reached for the cover and swiftly brought it up to hide the lower half of him and Tony, who was beginning to turn a rather deep shade of red.
“Except that it possibly, might, definitely be exactly what it looks like.” Tony gasped out face going taut.
Peter watched as his pops reached over slapped his dad roughly on the back before slamming the door shut and walking shell shocked down the hall.
--___--
“Oh gosh, what do we do?” Steve questioned staring down at his partner in worry. “Should we talk to him? We have to talk to him. What do we tell him? He’s not old enough for the talk is he?”
“Steve, honey, mmfh, as cute as your freaking out is right now either exit the ride or-.”
Steve blinked in confusion before staring down and blushing. “Right, erm, sorry.” Slowly pulling away the man sighed and leaned back against the headboard. The adrenaline rush from the sudden intrusion starting to dissipate leaving him feeling drained and embarrassed.
Tony leaned back beside his partner and stared at the seemingly innocent white door. “We have to go out there don’t we?”
“I think we do…”
A beat.
“I don’t want to. He’s young yet, maybe he’ll forget?”
Steve gave the man an incredulous look before replying. “He’s a kid Tony not a goldfish.”
Tony rolled his head across the headboard in agony. This was one conversation he was hoping never to have ever.
“It won’t be so bad.” Steve stated but at Tony’s raised eyebrow he blinked. “Will it?”
“No, of course not. We’ll just tell him the truth.”
Steve nodded in agreement. Nothing worked better than the truth. Hypothetically, of course.
--___--
Peter slowly sat down on the couch his mind numb as it tried to erase the bad wrongness of the image that had just burnt itself into his retinas. Of all the things he had seen in his short life, his parents going at it was not one he thought he would ever get the horrendous joy of bearing witness to.
He needed to see Wade. Wade would make everything more sane… put everything into a working perspective that didn’t end with his dad and his pop-. Auuugh. Peter ground the palms of his hands into his eyes. He didn’t even want to think about it.
A few moments went by before the soft creak of his parents door echoed loudly causing him to cringe. They were going to want to talk about it. Oh God, they were going to want to talk about it! Peter quickly stood and made a mad dash to the door. His hand had just touched the handle when he heard his pop call his name in that awkward stern voice that meant he was in trouble and yet not in trouble at the same time.
Peter squeezed his eyes shut, took a deep breath, and bravely turned towards his now decidedly less naked parents. “Y-yes?”
There was an awkward pause before Steve hit Tony in the ribs. “Yes we uhm, we need to have a family meeting.”
Peter sighed in dread. “Do we have to? I promise to forget it if you do?”
“Dea-OW!” Tony hissed rubbing his ribs as Steve once again rammed his pointy elbow into his side. “Afraid this is something we need to talk about kiddo.”
“Fiiiiine.” The fourteen year-old hunched his shoulders and hung his head in defeat as he begrudgingly made his way to the kitchen table and flopped into one of the wooden chairs.
Tony and Steve both took a seat across from him; Tony trying to look anywhere but at his son while Steve clasped his hands together and sternly looked at Peter.
“Now, first of all Peter, we’re not mad, but you have to know it’s rude to just walk into other peoples rooms without knocking first.” After a brief pause and a nod of the head from the youngster, Steve continued. “As for what you saw… you see when two people love each other-“
“Oh God…” Peter murmured letting his head fall to the table top and covering said appendage with his arms.
Unperturbed Steve soldiered on. “And they want to express that love they take off their clothes and they.” The blond man cleared his throat and unclasped his hands and formed a circle with them before thinking better of it and interlocked his fingers again. “They…hug?”
“So you were just showing Dad how much you loved him by hugging him… naked… in your bed, on a Saturday.” Came the muffled response.
“They hug? Really?” Tony turned towards Steve and raised an eyebrow. “That’s the best you could come up with?” Patting Steve on the shoulder Tony leaned forward poked Peter in the head. The boy brought his head up and stared at his dad waiting for the awkwardness to continue.
“See what your pop was trying to say is a male bee carries and deposits pollen onto a flower when-“
The rest of the conversation was a blur to Peter but he played the dutiful non embarrassed (as much as he could) son. He nodded at the right parts and even laughed uncomfortably when his dad smiled at some rather outdated and poorly constructed joke about sex being like science because of how both merit undivided attention. And tried to be understanding when his pops started talking about fondue and whoopee; and honestly Peter wasn't too sure what the poor man was trying to convey.
And then there was even a point where Uncle Clint walked in on the conversation and decided to say his two cents about how sex was like math all you had do was add the people, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and multiply and then walked back out. Peter realized was never going to be able to sit through Mr.Allenson’s math class with a straight face again after that one.
There were a few more embarrassing analogies made about sex and the various parts involved before his parents were patting each other on the back for a job well done and then grinning expectantly at him.
A few moments passed before Peter realized he was supposed to say something. Chuckling uncomfortably, Peter slowly stood from his seat and smiled halfheartedly at his pseudo-parents. “Thank you for the talk it was wonderful and I thoroughly know more about sex than any other teenager with a computer probably does. You made this fun and educational and not at all awkward and completely weird. Thank you.” He tried his hardest not to let his facial expression match the happy cheerful sarcasm of the statement. Instead, he just walked out of the room realizing he needed about thirty gallons of brain bleach to erase this entire day from existence.
“I think that went well.” Steve stated happily.
Tony nodded, smug.”We’re awesome parents.”
“Yes, we are.”
Rating: PG-13 (just to be safe)
Pairings/Characters: Tony/Steve, Peter.
Warnings: Horrible analogies of sex and the birds and the bees
Summary: Peter sadly has to learn the hard way about the birds and the bees.
A/N: Posted from my tumblr, so if you've read it before, it's still the same ol' little one shot., not even shinnied up or anything... need to do that sometime.
Peter stared up at the clock on the kitchen wall before glancing towards the darkened hallway with a sigh. It was eleven o’clock. They were past being fashionably late and headed straight into being freakishly late.
A light tapping began to echo through the small living space as Peter’s leg started to bounce in annoyance. They had promised him that he could go to the opening of the new exhibit at the Museum of Natural History today. Had told him explicitly that nothing would interfere with their family outing, not even work. Which coming from his parents was a huge sentiment.
Taking a long drink of his soda the fourteen year-old had made up his mind, he was going to be the adult of this family-ship and get his parents butts in gear! Standing, the youngster puffed out his chest and made his way down the hall and towards his parents room, not even thinking to knock before he grabbed the door knob and pushed the door open.
“Dad, pops, it’s waaa- OH MY GOD!” Peter stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes going wide and his mouth dropping open in shock at the sight before him.
“Peter! It’s not what it looks like!” Steve shouted, his muscular arms quickly reached for the cover and swiftly brought it up to hide the lower half of him and Tony, who was beginning to turn a rather deep shade of red.
“Except that it possibly, might, definitely be exactly what it looks like.” Tony gasped out face going taut.
Peter watched as his pops reached over slapped his dad roughly on the back before slamming the door shut and walking shell shocked down the hall.
--___--
“Oh gosh, what do we do?” Steve questioned staring down at his partner in worry. “Should we talk to him? We have to talk to him. What do we tell him? He’s not old enough for the talk is he?”
“Steve, honey, mmfh, as cute as your freaking out is right now either exit the ride or-.”
Steve blinked in confusion before staring down and blushing. “Right, erm, sorry.” Slowly pulling away the man sighed and leaned back against the headboard. The adrenaline rush from the sudden intrusion starting to dissipate leaving him feeling drained and embarrassed.
Tony leaned back beside his partner and stared at the seemingly innocent white door. “We have to go out there don’t we?”
“I think we do…”
A beat.
“I don’t want to. He’s young yet, maybe he’ll forget?”
Steve gave the man an incredulous look before replying. “He’s a kid Tony not a goldfish.”
Tony rolled his head across the headboard in agony. This was one conversation he was hoping never to have ever.
“It won’t be so bad.” Steve stated but at Tony’s raised eyebrow he blinked. “Will it?”
“No, of course not. We’ll just tell him the truth.”
Steve nodded in agreement. Nothing worked better than the truth. Hypothetically, of course.
--___--
Peter slowly sat down on the couch his mind numb as it tried to erase the bad wrongness of the image that had just burnt itself into his retinas. Of all the things he had seen in his short life, his parents going at it was not one he thought he would ever get the horrendous joy of bearing witness to.
He needed to see Wade. Wade would make everything more sane… put everything into a working perspective that didn’t end with his dad and his pop-. Auuugh. Peter ground the palms of his hands into his eyes. He didn’t even want to think about it.
A few moments went by before the soft creak of his parents door echoed loudly causing him to cringe. They were going to want to talk about it. Oh God, they were going to want to talk about it! Peter quickly stood and made a mad dash to the door. His hand had just touched the handle when he heard his pop call his name in that awkward stern voice that meant he was in trouble and yet not in trouble at the same time.
Peter squeezed his eyes shut, took a deep breath, and bravely turned towards his now decidedly less naked parents. “Y-yes?”
There was an awkward pause before Steve hit Tony in the ribs. “Yes we uhm, we need to have a family meeting.”
Peter sighed in dread. “Do we have to? I promise to forget it if you do?”
“Dea-OW!” Tony hissed rubbing his ribs as Steve once again rammed his pointy elbow into his side. “Afraid this is something we need to talk about kiddo.”
“Fiiiiine.” The fourteen year-old hunched his shoulders and hung his head in defeat as he begrudgingly made his way to the kitchen table and flopped into one of the wooden chairs.
Tony and Steve both took a seat across from him; Tony trying to look anywhere but at his son while Steve clasped his hands together and sternly looked at Peter.
“Now, first of all Peter, we’re not mad, but you have to know it’s rude to just walk into other peoples rooms without knocking first.” After a brief pause and a nod of the head from the youngster, Steve continued. “As for what you saw… you see when two people love each other-“
“Oh God…” Peter murmured letting his head fall to the table top and covering said appendage with his arms.
Unperturbed Steve soldiered on. “And they want to express that love they take off their clothes and they.” The blond man cleared his throat and unclasped his hands and formed a circle with them before thinking better of it and interlocked his fingers again. “They…hug?”
“So you were just showing Dad how much you loved him by hugging him… naked… in your bed, on a Saturday.” Came the muffled response.
“They hug? Really?” Tony turned towards Steve and raised an eyebrow. “That’s the best you could come up with?” Patting Steve on the shoulder Tony leaned forward poked Peter in the head. The boy brought his head up and stared at his dad waiting for the awkwardness to continue.
“See what your pop was trying to say is a male bee carries and deposits pollen onto a flower when-“
The rest of the conversation was a blur to Peter but he played the dutiful non embarrassed (as much as he could) son. He nodded at the right parts and even laughed uncomfortably when his dad smiled at some rather outdated and poorly constructed joke about sex being like science because of how both merit undivided attention. And tried to be understanding when his pops started talking about fondue and whoopee; and honestly Peter wasn't too sure what the poor man was trying to convey.
And then there was even a point where Uncle Clint walked in on the conversation and decided to say his two cents about how sex was like math all you had do was add the people, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and multiply and then walked back out. Peter realized was never going to be able to sit through Mr.Allenson’s math class with a straight face again after that one.
There were a few more embarrassing analogies made about sex and the various parts involved before his parents were patting each other on the back for a job well done and then grinning expectantly at him.
A few moments passed before Peter realized he was supposed to say something. Chuckling uncomfortably, Peter slowly stood from his seat and smiled halfheartedly at his pseudo-parents. “Thank you for the talk it was wonderful and I thoroughly know more about sex than any other teenager with a computer probably does. You made this fun and educational and not at all awkward and completely weird. Thank you.” He tried his hardest not to let his facial expression match the happy cheerful sarcasm of the statement. Instead, he just walked out of the room realizing he needed about thirty gallons of brain bleach to erase this entire day from existence.
“I think that went well.” Steve stated happily.
Tony nodded, smug.”We’re awesome parents.”
“Yes, we are.”