Letter to a friend
I know you will never read this (at least, I do hope so). But if things were different, if I was less proud... maybe I would tell you.
No one has ever cared. I knew that well, I couldn't understand, I felt lost. I didn't know you well back then, but then again, I was a kid, you had your issues. I was stupid, you were older and busy. I couldn't understand because I still didn't know you. Still, you were there. Now and then, only sometimes, you would make me smile with your funny jokes, lend me an helping hand. You did what a friend does. I couldn't see that, because I was blind to everything except my pain. Later, I mistook your concern for personal interest, felt uncomfortable around you, scared.
Our relationship has always been downright honest. Honest to the bone, honest to the point it hurts. We liked it that way, because we knew what pain was, and that it can help you to change to a better human being. We were sick of the fake people around us, the lies, the betrayers. We respected each other. You always said we had to survive alone through all of that, but looking back, I think we leaned on each other. More like companions during a war than like friends. I'm sorry for having been such a weak support. I've let you lead the way, I've forced the weight of my sadness on you without even realizing. I'm so sorry for that! I know you'd say you have nothing to forgive, but I really am sorry. I wish I could make up for it, but all I can do is fight.
I can only fight alone, you know that well. I can't allow you to bear the weight of my personal battle now that I'm strong enough to do that, now that I actually realize that. You tell me I'm too important for you to allow me to, but I couldn't bear to see you fighting for me once again. Because I know your efforts would be useless. You can do little, or nothing, to help me right now, apart from being there. Only knowing that you care is enough for me. I've cried like a kid, though you'll never know it. I've never felt loved in my life, and though I know I can't love you in a romantic way, I still feel I owe you more than respect. It feels too good to be true, and although I have an headache right now because of the tears, I feel hopeful. That's rare, really.
Maybe one day we'll look back and see the war is finished. Then, maybe I will be able to trust you even more. Forgive me, for no one till now has deserved my full trust. You're close to it. Very close.
No one has ever cared. I knew that well, I couldn't understand, I felt lost. I didn't know you well back then, but then again, I was a kid, you had your issues. I was stupid, you were older and busy. I couldn't understand because I still didn't know you. Still, you were there. Now and then, only sometimes, you would make me smile with your funny jokes, lend me an helping hand. You did what a friend does. I couldn't see that, because I was blind to everything except my pain. Later, I mistook your concern for personal interest, felt uncomfortable around you, scared.
Our relationship has always been downright honest. Honest to the bone, honest to the point it hurts. We liked it that way, because we knew what pain was, and that it can help you to change to a better human being. We were sick of the fake people around us, the lies, the betrayers. We respected each other. You always said we had to survive alone through all of that, but looking back, I think we leaned on each other. More like companions during a war than like friends. I'm sorry for having been such a weak support. I've let you lead the way, I've forced the weight of my sadness on you without even realizing. I'm so sorry for that! I know you'd say you have nothing to forgive, but I really am sorry. I wish I could make up for it, but all I can do is fight.
I can only fight alone, you know that well. I can't allow you to bear the weight of my personal battle now that I'm strong enough to do that, now that I actually realize that. You tell me I'm too important for you to allow me to, but I couldn't bear to see you fighting for me once again. Because I know your efforts would be useless. You can do little, or nothing, to help me right now, apart from being there. Only knowing that you care is enough for me. I've cried like a kid, though you'll never know it. I've never felt loved in my life, and though I know I can't love you in a romantic way, I still feel I owe you more than respect. It feels too good to be true, and although I have an headache right now because of the tears, I feel hopeful. That's rare, really.
Maybe one day we'll look back and see the war is finished. Then, maybe I will be able to trust you even more. Forgive me, for no one till now has deserved my full trust. You're close to it. Very close.