Fuck My Life pt. 2 RPF Big Bang
Master Post | Part 1 | Part 2 | Art
The rest of the semester ended up being no where near as exciting as the first half of it had been, he stayed far away from the red cups at all the parties he went to after his horrible experience with the drinks that usually came in those sorts of cups. He stayed close to Cale even when it meant being hit by a wayward arm or leg from time to time, and he did his damnedest to avoid Adam as much as he possibly could.
It wasn't entirely possible of course, considering Adam still was his RA, and there were things like hall meetings. But he always left as quickly as he could after and didn't ever let Adam catch him on his own. His humiliation had been too great after the party; he hadn't even been able to bring himself to apologize for being sick on Adam's shoes which were no doubt completely ruined thanks to Kris. And he really did deserve an apology at the very least.
But Adam had kissed him, or maybe he had kissed Adam, he wasn't completely sure - things were a bit hazy that night when he tried to remember them. Some parts were more clear than others, but what was completely clear was the fact that he had most certainly been kissed, it was just unclear who had started the kiss.
So that coupled with the fact that Kris was pretty sure he'd die of embarrassment if he ever had to actually talk to Adam again, he'd avoided him for the rest of the semester.
And he'd done a pretty good job of it - considering it was now the last day of the semester. He'd finished his last final earlier in the day and now Kris was back in his room packing up his things so he could fly home for the Christmas holiday. Cale had left earlier in the day, leaving Kris a note on his pillow:
I bet you totally failed that last final
Anyway I'm out of here
And tell your mom to send more cookies back with you
Merry Christmas, Bitch!
-C
And along with the note he'd left Kris a tablet filled with music staff paper. Fuck, Kris really would have to bring him cookies for this, that jerk. Leave it to Cale to insult him and be kind of a great friend all at the same time; Cale had always been special like that.
Kris was carefully rolling up his clothes in preparation to stuff them all into his backpack, his flight left early the next morning, so he was taking the time to pack now and then sleep a bit later in the morning. He was a college student after all, he had his priorities.
Of course that was the moment when there came a knock on his open door, so that anyone walking through the hall could stick their head in and say hey before they headed out for the Christmas break. Though this wasn't just one of Kris' many friends it was someone he had decided he disliked very much the last time he'd seen him and Kris was pretty sure he was going to die when Adam stuck his head in his room and grinned.
"Hey, still here?"
"Um… yeah." Kris said after a moment of staring at Adam like an idiot. All he could think about was how he'd thrown up on Adam's shoes, and maybe a very small part of his mind thought about kissing him again, especially when the corners of Adam's mouth pulled up in a grin while he watched this jumble of emotions play across Kris' face. Oh god why was it so hard to think straight when Adam was around?
"Cool, just a few people left now, everyone clears out pretty fast when finals are over." Adam stepped into the room then, and he didn't just take a step into the room he came in and made himself at home, practically throwing himself on Cale's bed feet hanging off the edge while he grinned at Kris.
"Yeah… my roommate kind of ran off as soon as he finished his last final."
Adam nodded, and oh god what did he want? He was finally going to be able to exact some kind of revenge on Kris now that they were practically alone together - at least the door was open. Adam couldn't really kill him if the door was open - could he? Kris hoped that was the case because he really was looking forward to going home for Christmas and opening presents, he had a hunch this would be the year he got that new sound editing program he'd been after for ages now. It would be a shame if he died and never got a chance to play with it the way he wanted.
"You can't kill me." Kris blurted out, and why did he do things like this? Nothing good ever came of opening his mouth and saying the first thing that came to mind. It always ended badly, how many times would Kris have to go through this to learn it?
Adam just smirked arching an eyebrow at him.
"I mean it's just, I'm going home in the morning and my parents would be really upset, and I know my mom seems kind of crazy when you meet her in person but she's not that bad, and she would totally have to come up here and kill you or something if you killed me, so you can't, okay?"
"Okay." Adam inclined his head to Kris and grinned.
Well that was ... Kris wasn't really sure what it was. He narrowed his eyes at Adam, but Adam only grinned at him before flopping back on Cale's bed and folding his hands under his head.
"Most everyone who is leaving so far is gone already, there are only a few people staying over the break." That was not at all the sort of response he was expecting from Adam and Kris didn't really know how to respond to it.
"Are you going home?" It was the best response he could think of that wasn't some sort of reiteration that Adam shouldn't kill him, and he'd said it a few times now, so he was just going to trust that Adam had gotten the point.
"Nah, I'm staying up here like I do every year."
"You stay here every Christmas?" Kris was a little shocked to hear that. "Doesn't your family miss you?"
"Oh sure, but they come to visit for Thanksgiving and we do all the holiday stuff then too." Adam explained. "It saves on time, and the school is really calm over the break, I kind of love it. I can turn my music up as loud as I want and sing in the middle of the night and there's no one around to care about it." He grinned, and Kris couldn't help but smile - it did sound kind of fun.
"You don't get bored?"
"There's a little bit of that, but it's nice you know?"
Kris shrugged because he really didn't know, Adam just grinned at him. And Kris felt himself flush, because he couldn't think of anything more to say, and when he looked at Adam all he could think was that Adam kissed him, and it hadn't been terrible, and then he'd puked on Adam's shoes - and then never said anything to him after that, and oh god why was he so bad at life? It wasn't fair that he could fail so much, but that had always been the way he lived his life - one moment of fail after another.
Adam smirked just a bit, or maybe Kris just imagined it, he couldn't really be sure, but it seemed like a possibility considering everything that had happened between them and the fact that Kris was sitting there blushing like an idiot.
Eventually though, Adam spared Kris and just laid back on Cale's bed again folding his arms under his head sighing. Kris took the time to take a slow steady breath, and reminded himself that he shouldn't tell Adam not to kill him again, though the urge to do so was coming back with a vengeance.
"So I guess this semester has been busy?" It was Adam who broke the silence that had fallen over them first, of course it was.
"Um, yeah." Kris lifted his shoulders in a shrug and gave a half hearted kind of laugh. "You know lots to do and stuff."
"Yeah I remember that."
"It's not so bad all the time, but some of these classes are pretty intense. I can see why you didn't go after songwriting - it's a pain in the ass." Kris liked writing songs, he loved it most of the time - but there was just something about having to write for a class, knowing what he wrote would be graded, that he'd have to play the song in front of the class and be judged by it … it took all the joy out of the act, and Kris always felt more than a little stunted when put in that position. The songs he wrote on his own always felt better, the music and words fitting together in a way he could never seem to manage when he tried to make something for a class.
"Yeah, though I have to say this year has been pretty killer - you'd think performance classes would be pretty easy." And yes, for someone like Adam, Kris did think a performance based class would be pretty easy. "It's not though, it's like all I can think about is the professor watching me and thinking about how much I must suck and it's a total buzz kill."
Kris couldn't help but laugh and nod. "I get that same feeling with writing."
"Suppose we all do."
"Yeah."
It was easier after that, talking to Adam. Oh, Kris still fumbled over himself, and they had a few more false starts, but eventually they found a topic that worked for them, or in some cases a series of them (guy liner, mixtapes, stupid roommates [sorry Cale], and life in Conway), but the conversation didn't seem to come to a stop for hours once they'd gotten started.
Kris was surprised to say the least, he expected something halting, something awkward and strange - it was nothing less than what he what deserved after how he'd left things with Adam, and though he waited for it all evening it never came. And before he realized it Kris had stopped waiting for the other shoe to fall and just enjoyed the company.
Adam even managed to convince him to pull out his guitar and play for him. First it was just songs that Kris knew from memory, a few of the Beatles, some Counting Crows, and Van Morrison. Adam made him admit to knowing a few songs from Brittany Spears and they both sang a bit too loudly to those, though they dissolved into hysterics before they were able to complete more than two verses of any song. (What? Baby One More Tim is fucking hilarious - especially because Adam seemed to have the dance moves down.)
"What? It was a very popular song when I was in middle school - I don't think I can be blamed for that, besides she used to be hot." Kris just shook his head slowly.
"Whatever you say dude, you still know Brittany's dance moves." Kris smirked.
"Fuck you." Adam just grinned though, and then paused. "Hey, you should play something you've written." Kris thought that was a spectacularly bad idea.
"I dunno," Nothing he'd written was anything like any of the music they'd been singing along to up to this point, it was all kind of personal too - he only ever played covers when he played in public - he didn't even play his own stuff for Katy very often. It had always just seemed a little weird, and he'd liked keeping that part of himself a bit private from everything else. Maybe it was silly - it was just music after all, and if things went the way he'd always hoped he'd be playing the songs for thousands of people at some point. But it was different, or so he told himself again and again. When you played for a crowd they all fed off each other, and focused on the feeling of being there - of the experience, you played for one person and it was intimate and close and you couldn't hide behind a great sound system or flashing lights. There was only him and his guitar.
"Oh come on." Adam sat up then, he'd been draped out on Cale's bed for the better part of the last hour, and he gave Kris the most imploring look possible. "You totally owe me, those shoes were expensive." Fuck. Fuck Adam Lambert and his stupid ruined shoes, and that stupid fucking kiss, and his ability to lull Kris into a false sense of security before dropping the bomb on him.
"That's not fair, man." Kris sounded pathetic to his own ears and he cringed at the whining tone his voice had taken on.
"Life's not fair, Allen, deal with it." Adam was grinning, pleased with himself, "Now play me a song."
Kris glared at Adam and sighed, wracking his brain for one of his songs that wasn't completely awful, one that he might be able to get through without wishing he was dead - though that was unlikely at best. Adam just sat patiently waiting, and Kris knew there was no getting out of this one, and he wasn't in a hurry to see what Adam would do to get his way.
"Okay, this is really meant for the piano, but yeah …" Kris huffed out a short burst of air, working himself up for it.
The song started slow, mellow and easy, he liked this one - liked the way the chords moved from one to the next, the way the lyrics fit with the melody. He might have been proud of this one - you know if he were actually playing it the way it was meant to be played and it wasn't like some kind of payment for ruined shoes.
Life's been blinding me from what I thought I'd see. Is there clarity in this insanity? What she wants from me?
It was easy to lose himself in the words once he'd started, he forgot about Adam sitting there across the small space that separated the two beds, and just focused on the music. The feel of the strings against his fingers, the words and they fell from his mouth, and the emotion behind all of it.
That was why he had trouble writing songs for class, he'd always written from life, from experience and usually in the midst of whatever was happening in his life - writing on command, the way his professors expected him to? It was hard as shit, he came up with songs about crappy roommates, and that one really horrifically bad song he'd written right after Katy had dumped him. Cale was right, Kris was just not an emo writer - the results were always terrible.
But this, this song had been born out of true emotion - it fit that time in his life perfectly and it brought memories sweeping back to him far easier than should have been right. He remembered his mother, her face sweet and smiling and just so damn happy, proud of him, and his dad and Daniel. Even Katy's face had been there, showing up brighter than the others. So many of the songs he'd written were attached firmly to memories of her.
He finished quietly, pushing past the hurt of some of the memories until the final chords died away. Yes - he liked this song, even here, where it sounded all wrong on the guitar, it summed up so many memories and emotions in a way he'd never be able to if he actually tried to sit down and explain it to anyone.
It took Kris a few minutes to remember that he'd been playing the song for Adam, and he flushed pink when he looked up to see Adam staring at him intently from across the room. He licked his lips slowly and settled the guitar across his lap, fingers drumming nervously across the top.
"So…" What exactly were you supposed to say when you played a song for someone and then they didn't reply? Because Kris was pretty sure that wasn't a good sign. "It's actually supposed to be played on the piano, but these rooms are kind of small." He rubbed the back of his neck self-consciously waiting for some kind of a response, even if all Adam would say was that it sucked.
The eventual response he got was not actually that the song sucked, in fact, if the enthusiasm behind the kiss that Adam pressed against his lips a few moments later was anything to go off of, Kris was pretty sure that the song was so very far from sucking. Which was a relief.
"You could maybe use your words next time." Kris suggested with a small grin, not quite sure what to say - he'd kissed Adam twice now. Or he'd kissed Adam once and Adam had kissed him once, so maybe that made them even and it was all okay? He didn't really know how these things worked - he'd only ever kissed Katy before, and even though they'd done quite a bit of kissing none of that had prepared him for Adam.
"I could try that." Adam agreed, he was leaning back against the wall on Kris' bed now, legs dangling over the edge of the bed, arms crossed across his stomach - possibly not the most comfortable position in the world, but Adam didn't look like he was in a hurry to move.
And in fact, he wasn't. They talked for another two hours; Adam even managed to get Kris to sing another song - though Kris escaped unkissed after the second attempt. Eventually, Adam sat up, stretching his arms above his head and craning his neck to see the red neon read out on Kris' alarm clock.
"It's getting late." Kris nodded; he'd have to be up in 5 hours to make his flight. "I should go."
"Okay." Truthfully though, Kris wasn't exactly in a hurry to get rid of Adam - despite the strange moment of the kiss, Kris had enjoyed spending the evening with him. It wasn't nearly the sad lonely affair he'd been sure he'd have that night.
And after Adam left, Kris turned out the lights and curled up under his blanket falling asleep easily, happy and warm.
Parties seemed to be the highlight of college life - or if nothing else they were an excellent way to forget about shit professors and the start of classes again. Though Kris had never really been the type to dread the start of a new school year - there would only be one more start of the school year after this one and so he planned on enjoying it while he had the chance.
Of course that meant heading out to the annual Back to School/Welcome back party that started off every year. Cale wouldn't have let him miss it, even if he wanted to - just because they weren't roommates this semester (there were actually some perks to being an upper classman apparently, and single rooms were one of them ) wasn't an excuse for Cale to simply leave Kris alone. They already had two years of practice, pushing each other around, it seemed a waste to stop now.
"No, dude you do not understand, if you miss this party I will have to murder you." Cale had told him earlier in the day. Kris thought that was a bit dramatic, but preferred murder to the suggestion that Cale might call his mother and tell her he wasn't being sociable. And yes, even though they were now juniors Cale still held that over his head - much to his mother's immense satisfaction, and Kris' eternal mortification.
But such was life at Berklee and Kris had learned to deal with some facts early on in his time there. Like the fact that Cale was always going to be a bit of a dick, and he still hated song writing for grades, and he would never actually be able to have a conversation with Adam that didn't end up with him completely and utterly embarrassed at some point - these were all just facts of life and Kris had accepted them by this point and moved on from there.
It was easier that way.
"There you are!" Cale grinned stupidly at Kris just moments after he'd arrived, like he had nothing better to do than wait for Kris to show up at some party.
"Here I am." Kris agreed, with much less enthusiasm, but he couldn't help grinning at his friend - for all that Cale was a dick Kris actually did like him, go figure. He was a bit late of course, just because Cale told him he had to come didn't mean he had to come on time, so the party was in full swing by the time he got his first drink, and Cale obviously had himself a bit of a buzz to help him through the night. "So everything you hoped it would be?" He smirked.
"Better." Cale answered seriously, before his face split into a wide grin and he shoved a girl with bright red hair at Kris. "This is Allison!" He grinned like he expected Kris to have been pleased to find himself practically stumbling as the girl in question was shoved at him. "She's amazing, Kris." His eyes went wide at the sentiment.
"Okay." Kris said the word slowly, drawing it out, and looking first at Cale and then down at Allison who had managed to regain her footing a moment later and then punched Cale in the shoulder.
"Come on man, just because I'm awesome is no reason to get pushy." She glared at him before grinning brightly at Kris. Okay maybe she was awesome. "I'm Allison." And with that she hugged Kris.
"Um… Kris." He wasn't sure if he was supposed to hug her again or not and instead decided it was safest just to smile.
And after the awkward introductions were out of the way, Allison proceeded to act like she had known Kris and Cale for years instead of just minutes and spent the next few hours, cuddling with the pair of them while drinking what Kris was sure was far too many cups of whatever it was they were serving tonight.
"Don't you think you've had enough?" Kris asked her after a few hours. He'd lost count of his own drinking a while back but was pretty sure Allison was somewhere around six or seven by this point. "You'll want to remember your first start of the year party after all." He reminded her.
Allison rolled her eyes, and Kris imagined himself making that same move after the same number of drinks and it was enough to make him sway just thinking about it, but Allison shook her head for good measure. "I'm fine, really." She promised and pressed a kiss against Kris' cheek. Oh god Allison and Cale were going to be a handful this year, Kris could tell that much already. Just the pair of them together? It spelled bad news from the get go.
Kris was distracted from further worrying about Allison though, when a new band stepped up onto the makeshift stage - though calling the area where the bands set up a stage was more than a little generous, it was just a corner of the main room that had been cleared of furniture and had a few amps, a keyboard, and a drum set strategically placed around in what should have been a good layout for most groups to play in.
That was the thing about going to a music school, there were never any shortages of bands willing to play at the parties. Quite the opposite actually.
Of course this group was one Kris hadn't seen at any of the parties he'd been to since he'd started at Berklee. He certainly would have remembered Adam looking like that in the past.
He seemed taller tonight, maybe it was the boots, god those boots - Kris had never seen anything like them, but they made him feel funny right in the pit of his stomach when he looked at them, and he couldn't help the way his eyes moved upwards, following the long line of Adam's legs, the smooth dark leather of the pants that must have been painted on they were so tight, and the shirt, only Adam could manage to wear a shirt that looked like he might have bedazzled it himself and gone a bit crazy with the glitter for a bit of added flair.
But it was his face that really caught Kris' attention. Adam had always worn makeup, it wasn't surprising to see him wearing it tonight, but fuck if Kris wasn't completely caught by it tonight, he wasn't sure what was different, the glitter maybe, something about his lips. And Kris couldn't help but think that he knew what those lips felt like against his, and he wanted to do that again, to maybe taste them this time - before he wanted to taste all of Adam, he wanted to pull him outside right at that moment and push him into the cool grass and straddle his hips and …
"Oh wow." Allison pulled him out of his thoughts, and Kris couldn't help the way he flushed as he realized where his mind had been going. "Who is that?"
Adam caught Kris staring right at that moment and waved at him, grinning, and Kris flailed a bit, because oh god Adam was totally going to know he was staring and he was definitely going to know just what Kris was thinking because that was exactly how Kris' life worked, but Allison interrupted his thoughts as they spiraled toward his doom. "You know him?" She asked a little awed.
"Hmm?" Kris tried to pull himself together as quickly as possible and returned his attention on Allison. "Oh yeah, that's Adam." He cleared his throat and nodded.
"Are you okay?" She asked arching an eyebrow at Kris and grinning at him, and the expression looked just a bit too much like Allison knew what was going on for Kris' comfort.
"Fine." Kris nodded and he was saved as a rolling base beat began to fill the room. If only one thing could be said for the group Adam was standing with, it was that they were excellent at filling with space with sound.
Of course there was far more to be said for them than just that one thing - in fact, Kris wasn't even sure where to start. But if he did, he imagined it would be somewhere with Adam, he'd only thought he was entranced earlier, but when Adam opened his mouth, it was more than obvious why he'd been accepted to Berklee. It was amazing, he could put so much power behind even the softest notes, and have them spread throughout around the room and yet Kris felt like each note Adam sang was one that was just for him.
And god he felt like such an utter idiot for ever thinking that he could be a singer when there were people like Adam around - how could he ever compete with something like this? It was impossible. And all Kris could do was watch, Adam was like something out of another world when he sang - which was pretty impressive considering he always seemed to live his life on his own plain of existence as it was; he was just something otherworldly as he held the mic, his whole body moved with the music, it drew him back and forth across the stage, and made Kris follow him wherever he went.
He wasn't sure how many songs they went through before they began winding down - or the music began winding down Adam only seemed to pick up the longer they went, drawing out the notes impossibly long, and putting everything into the performance of it. And as the last note faded out, Adam pulled the bassist toward him and Kris didn't even realize what was happening until Adam pulled away from him, lips red and wet and lifted the mic to the ceiling to much shouting and screaming.
Allison was practically giddy. "Oh my god, Kris, did you see that?" She tugged on his arm, and Kris could only nod dumbly. "Wow, I mean wow - I want to do that."
"Yeah, me too." Though they weren't actually talking about the same thing.
With the constant attention of Allison and Cale taking a break from his flailing dance moves Kris moved past the sort of stupor Adam's performance had left him in and ended up enjoying most of the rest of the party.
"Will you make sure she makes it back okay?" Allison might have assured Kris no less than twenty times that she was perfectly fine, but he'd seen her put away far too many drinks for him to just send her off into the night without some kind of assurance that she would be alright.
"Yeah man." Allison was leaning heavily on Cale and grinning at him.
"You have pretty eyes..." She told him seriously, nodding firmly as she did, which made her sway just a bit on her feet.
"I know, Kris is telling me that all the time." Cale grinned.
"He's very sweet."
"Yes he is."
Kris rolled his eyes at the pair of them. "Go home before I'm tempted to smack you both." He warned them, and Allison kissed his cheek and Cale repeated the act a moment later smirking at Kris before he began to tow Allison away from him, and saved himself the smack that he so righteously deserved.
Normally Kris would have taken Allison back to the dorms himself, but well - he kind of wanted to see if Adam was still around, it was stupid, especially after that kiss. He didn't know what he was expecting but Kris went to look for him anyway.
Eventually, after asking around a bit Kris found Adam outside on the steps leading down into the yard, his head between his knees like maybe he'd had too much too drink.
"Hey, you okay?" Kris asked as he sat down beside Adam, who didn't lift his head and instead just mumbled something incoherent to the step under his feet. "What was that?" Kris grinned slightly.
"Kill me please."
He couldn't help but laugh then and shook his head. "Sorry, they frown upon things like that and I can't lose my scholarship."
"Jerk." Adam turned his head to look at Kris, and he was struck again by just how beautiful Adam looked tonight, and why the hell was Kris thinking that a guy was beautiful? But it seemed to be the only thing that actually described how Adam.
"Sorry; wanna talk about it? Or do you just need to be sick? You can puke on my shoes if that'll help." Kris offered with a small smile.
"That's sweet, but really ruining your converse is so not even in the same ballpark as my boots." Adam replied.
"So, okay, that doesn't work for you - talk?" Kris suggested next, shrugging. He hadn't particularly wanted Adam to ruin his shoes, these had sentimental value after all - who cared that they were converse? Really?
Adam just looked at Kris for a moment and sighed, "I don't want to do that to you." He said after a few quiet moments.
"Come on, I've unloaded on you before, it's the least I can do to return the favor." Kris told him. "I don't mind."
"It's not important, I just broke up with my boyfriend tonight." Adam was pretty blasé about the whole thing; Kris had been a wreck with Katy told him things weren't going to work out. And Adam might have been sitting there with his head between his knees when Kris found him, but it was obvious he hadn't been out here crying, and he didn't look like he had been drowning his sorrows in a drink either.
"The bassist?" Kris asked without thinking, perfect really, that was just what Adam needed right now.
"What? Tommy?" Adam smiled and shook his head. "No, not him, I don't think you actually know him. Like I said, it's not important, I just needed some air is all - I'll be fine."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, Kris, I'm fine."
"Okay."
Well, now Kris wasn't sure what he was supposed to say, Adam was fine and there was really no point to him being out there now, but he wasn't exactly in a hurry to leave.
"You were kind of amazing, tonight." Kris blurted out, because really how long could they sit there not talking to one another? Kris had never been very good with drawn out silences and always felt the need to fill them eventually - thankfully he hadn't said something like you look beautiful tonight because if he had actually said that Kris was pretty sure he'd have to kill himself, and he really wanted that degree before he died. So it really was better for all of them that Kris hadn't actually given in to that particular desire.
"Thanks." Adam actually looked pleased then, and not the kind of resigned look he'd been wearing since Kris came out to fine him.
"I didn't know you could do that." Kris pushed a hand through his hair and watched Adam while he spoke. "I mean, I figured you were good - everyone is here, right? But ... why are you even here?" Kris asked after a moment trying to find the words to say what he meant, but not really finding them.
"What do you mean?
"Why are you going to school? I mean you're amazing, you could get a recording deal, you could do shows and stuff, people would come to see you. It doesn't make sense you being here." Kris told him, speaking far too quickly, but once he'd started he couldn't seem to stop himself.
"Umm... well I guess because I never really thought I could do this for real. I mean it's one thing at house parties and in classes, but actually doing this?" Adam shrugged and gave Kris a doubtful look. "It's kind of still in fantasy land, and I haven't really gotten to the point where I think it might actually be a real option for me."
"Have you even heard yourself sing?" Kris wondered, because surely it should have been as obvious to Adam how good he was as it was to probably everyone who had heard him tonight. "You're ... you're too good to be here."
And then it was silent again and god why was Kris always saying something stupid? He just couldn't help himself, and once he opened his mouth he couldn't stop the words from coming out and it was only when he'd finally let himself run out of things to say that he realized what an idiot he sounded like.
"I'm just …" Kris sighed and stood up. "I'll see you later."
"Kris," And Kris almost let himself stop, it would have been easy to, to turn back and talk to Adam - it was always easy to talk to Adam . Too easy. He didn't stop, he just kept walking, carefully making his way back through the house, slipping under arms and through tight spaces between groups of people still talking and laughing and dancing until he found the front door and escaped.
He was such an idiot.
So far Kris' plan on avoiding Adam for the rest of the year was working out pretty well - they never had classes together, and Kris was pretty sure they didn't live on the same floor anymore, but he couldn't be sure, since his room was close to the elevator he didn't spend a lot of time lingering in the halls.
Of course, just like his first attempt at avoiding Adam completely, Kris could never be entirely successful - no matter how diligent he was.
Hall meetings, they were the one part of his plan that Kris had failed to consider. He didn't just keep his door open anymore the way he had in years past - that was just asking Adam to poke his head in and call him out on his very strange behavior, and Kris knew, even a month later he would let slip that he thought Adam was beautiful and he still had no idea how to explain that one.
"Do you think I could get out of it?" Kris wondered at lunch, the signs had been up all week announcing the meeting that night.
Cale and Allison rolled their eyes at one another, like Kris really was as big an idiot he always feared he was. "They have a sign in sheet dude, just like every other meeting we've been to, what makes you think this is going to be any different?"
"Karma?" Kris suggested hopefully.
"You know, I'm a firm believer in Karma, but I think given that you've been doing a terrible impression of a ninja across campus every day for the last month just to avoid Adam - who is totally hot by the way - this is probably Karma's way of telling you you're acting like an idiot."
And there was the confirmation.
"I would make a great ninja." Kris pouted.
"Dude, really?"
"I would! I'm tiny and fast, and I could totally kill you with one hand tied behind my back."
Cale and Allison shared a look between them, they had known each other all of a month and already they were sharing looks, about him no less - there was something just so wrong about that. Kris groaned and pressed his forehead against the tabletop.
"It won't be that bad, I don't know why you do this to yourself, man." Cale patted Kris's shoulder in what was probably meant to be a comforting way, but was a bit too forceful for real comfort.
"You weren't there; you don't know how bad it was."
"It couldn't have been that bad." Allison chimed in then, and Kris wanted to pinch the bridge of his nose but then he would have to lift his head off the table, and look at those two and he wasn't ready for that just yet. "It's not like he's angry with you - I think he would have come to find you if that was the case."
"Maybe."
"He probably thinks you're more of an idiot for trying to avoid him than anything you said. It's not like you ruined a second pair of his shoes or anything."
Kris could practically hear Allison raising an eyebrow at that, and he wanted to punch Cale for bringing that up again.
"You know," Kris finally lifted his head to glare at the pair of them, who were currently giving him a pair of very unconvincing innocent expressions. "If you two are going to whisper about me, you could actually lower your voices, or maybe just tell her my tales of humiliation when I'm not sitting across from you both."
"But where is the fun in that?" They both grinned at that, like it had been a shared thought - and knowing them it probably was.
"I hate my life."
"You do not."
"I might."
"Oh stop it, just go to the meeting tonight and talk to him - he might not even remember you running away like a twelve year old." Kris cast Cale a doubtful look then. "Okay, he'll probably remember, but better to get this over with now than let it drag out and really make a fool of yourself."
Kris sighed; he wasn't going to be getting out of this - that much was certain.
He did manage to secure a spot in the back of the room for the meeting though, as far from the group of gathered RAs as possible, and thankfully the sign in sheet was being passed around so he didn't have to go up to the front to sign in - maybe he could actually get out of this without talking to Adam.
Really - Kris should have known better.
"Kris!" How was that even possible? The meeting had only just let out and Kris had turned on his heel and was already on the stairs when he heard his name, so either he could keep going the way he had at the party or he could turn around.
"Oh Adam, hi." Kris plastered a grin on his face and hoped he managed to be at least a little convincing with it.
"Hey." Judging from the look Adam gave him Kris was not convincing at all - though perhaps he was a little amusing, and he wasn't entirely sure how he felt about that.
"What's up?"
"I thought we could talk."
"Um… yeah okay."
"Great, I'll just come with you to your room? I mean unless you're busy." Oh this was a monumentally bad idea, Kris knew it, but this needed to happen sooner or later. So he could either get it over with now or later. And it would probably be worse the longer he put it off.
"Yeah, sure, yeah come on." Keep it together Allen, Kris muttered to himself as he turned back around, Adam catching up to him easily and they started up the stairs together.
Kris had never been able to put a finger on just what it was about Adam that caught him off guard nearly every time they spoke - ever since that very first day on campus. It didn't seem fair, Adam was just a guy after all, a guy who apparently couldn't decide on a major long enough to graduate, a guy who was an amazing singer, and looked kind of beautiful when he wore make up, and who always seemed to be able to get Kris to talk no matter how much Kris would rather do anything else.
It wasn't fair.
He unlocked his room slowly, his fingers feeling numb for some reason, eventually though he managed to get the key into the lock and open the door, letting them both in. Kris considered keeping the door open, but he could already see that working against him. So he closed it.
"So…." Damn his need to fill silences, Kris blamed his mother for that. She was totally at fault.
"I haven't seen you since the party." Adam shrugged. "You tend to do that a lot, you know."
"Do what?"
"Run away and then try and avoid me for weeks on end." Adam was grinning when he spoke, and Kris wasn't sure what was worse, that Adam knew he was being avoided or that he found it amusing. He really ought to just make peace with the idea that Adam found him funny no matter what he tried to do. "So I just wanted to know how long you were planning on avoiding me this time, you know so I know how long I have to wait before I make you talk to me again."
"Umm…" Kris frowned, Adam was making fun of him - and it was totally unfair, except for the part where this was all Kris' fault in the first place, and he did like talking with Adam, and he didn't like having to duck behind bushes and stuff as he crossed the quad to his classes whenever he thought he saw Adam. Cale was going to give him shit over that for years, Kris was sure of that. "I think you're already done that."
"So I have." Adam grinned winningly at Kris, and Kris couldn't help but roll his eyes at him. "No more avoiding me."
"Fine."
"No more jumping behind bushes?"
Kris' mouth popped open, and he wasn't sure what to say to that, because oh my god Adam had seen him diving behind bushes or he was some kind of creepy mind reader, and yet he was still here talking to him and what the hell was wrong with him? "Cale told me."
"I am going to murder him."
"It can wait." Adam assured Kris with a grin.
"I don't know."
"He and Allison seem to think that you were being stupid." Yes, Kris was going to murder them both. "Something about if they had to listen to you whine for much longer they were going to have to kill you." Adam chuckled. "I think it was an act of love." He paused. "Or maybe desperation."
"I hate you."
"No you don't."
"I might."
"No one would spend so much time avoiding someone they hate."
"I dunno, I decided I hated Mark Spencer in the fourth grade and spent six months doing as much as I could to avoid him." Of course there was only so much you could do to avoid someone you shared a class with, but Kris had been nine, and it made sense at the time.
"Okay, but I think I can safely say that you're just strange. No normal person would put so much effort into avoiding someone they hated."
Kris glared at Adam. "Are you here just to make fun of me, or did you have something specific you wanted to talk about?"
"I told you, Kris. I wanted to talk - you've been avoiding me for weeks now, and I miss talking to you. I heard this great band the other day and wanted to tell you about them, but you were avoiding me, and now I've forgotten all about them, and you'll never know how great they were." Kris arched an eyebrow doubtfully at Adam. "Alright fine they were called Big Time Hitters and they were amazing, but you missed them that night because you were too busy being an idiot and not talking to me."
"Sorry." Kris mumbled, and sighed. He wasn't about to explain to Adam why exactly he'd run away. He'd apologized and Adam had pushed his way into his life once again. They were set as far as Kris was concerned.
"You'd better be, I can't believe you just ran out like that. What are you? Twelve?"
"Shut up, man, I said I was sorry."
"I heard you."
"So let's move on."
Adam frowned then, sitting down on Kris' bed like he's in his own room, leaning back and toeing off his shoes. "You do that a lot."
"What?"
"The running and hiding bit."
"Didn't we all ready have this conversation?" Kris asked.
"Yeah, just bear with me for a minute," Kris signed but kept his mouth shut, if Adam had a point - and he almost always did - he'd make it whether Kris wanted him to or not. "Look I just, I figure there's a reason you're always running away from me and doing stupid things like jumping into the bushes to avoid talking to me. And I just thought maybe we should talk about it."
Oh.
This conversation.
This conversation was exactly the reason that Kris did things like jump into the bushes and take the long way to his classes to keep himself from walking in front of the performance halls when he was pretty sure that Adam was in class - even though he kind of really wanted to hear Adam sing again after the party, but he knew it was a bad idea - he knew it but he couldn't stop himself from wanting it. Just the way he'd known kissing Adam two years ago had been a terrible idea, and why he ran after the party because he knew he wouldn't be able to keep himself from saying something stupid. Saying stupid things was sort of a tradition for Kris, so it was guaranteed that he would do it around Adam.
"Maybe, this is a bad idea." Kris started, because oh it really was.
"Are you really going to try and avoid this now? After you promised me no more hiding?" Kris frowned; leave it to Adam to get him with something like that.
"This is not hiding; this is just me wanting to avoid an awkward conversation."
"Why does it have to be awkward?"
"Because it will be with you." Kris held his hands out helplessly and sighed. He didn't know how to tell Adam about all the things he'd been thinking ever since that first time he really talked to Adam in the laundromat, how Adam was always the first person he wanted to talk to when he was working on a new song, and he was always the person he wanted to talk to whenever he as having a hard time writing a song for a class. Adam just understood him; Adam understood music, and all the other things that were desperately important to Kris.
"Oh." Kris frowned, because the look on Adam's face had not been his aim with that comment. And he certainly hadn't kicked any puppies recently, so he was pretty sure he didn't actually deserve that look.
"Adam. Come on, it's just ... I don't know how to talk to you about this, I can't ever think straight when we're talking and I'll just say something stupid and have to go throw myself off the top of the Administration building once I've embarrassed myself in front of you yet again. So can we please just not, I like living, I like breathing, and I would have a really difficult time doing any of those things if I were dead."
"Wait ... you'd throw yourself off a building because you embarrassed yourself? Are you living in a Greek tragedy and didn't tell me? Because I'm pretty sure you don't have to resort to such drastic measures in the real world." Adam looked amused then, not the kind of disbelieving hurt expression he'd been wearing just moments ago - and how was that fair, by the way? He could make Kris feel like he was the biggest dick in the world one moment (something that only Cale was supposed to be), and like Kris was endlessly funny the next. That definitely didn't fit into Kris' definition of fair - though when he'd started expecting fair from his life Kris wasn't sure.
"It seemed like a good plan a few minutes ago."
"Right." Adam drew the word out slowly, making Kris feel even more stupid for coming up with that plan than he did all ready. So maybe he wouldn't throw himself off a building, maybe he'd just end up eating that unholy horror they liked to pretend was meatloaf in the cafeteria - that was probably a better response, then he could be sick for weeks and have an actual legitimate excuse for not seeing Adam. He liked this plan, aside from the part where he would have to actually eat the meatloaf, but some things just couldn't be avoided.
"It doesn't have to be that bad you know." Adam said after it looked like his moment of private amusement at Kris' stupidity had passed. "I mean, you might embarrass yourself, but I don't actually mind if you do - you're pretty funny when you're not running away from me all the time, you know?"
"Funny or Funny looking?" Kris sighed petulantly.
"Maybe a bit of both." Adam smirked. "Will you just... I dunno, stick around the next time you say something you think is embarrassing? We could make it a thing if you want. I'll laugh, you'll blush, and then we move on." He looked pleased with his plan as he finished, and Kris was thinking again of the Administration building.
"Not sure we could always move on from some of the things I might say."
"Unless you're going to tell me you hate me, and actually mean it then I don't think we're going to have a problem." Adam assured Kris.
"I mean it sometimes."
"Of course you do - that's why you blush so often, because you hate me so much."
"It's not blushing when it's rage." Kris was definitely not blushing, because he did not blush. Even if the look on Adam's face right at that moment, said that he was almost certainly blushing. Just really, fuck his life.
"Whatever you say, Kristopher."
"I hate you."
"I know."
"So, you want to go to a show with me tomorrow night?" Adam asked, maybe they really were moving past the embarrassment, though really just moving on once was not indicative of how all future conversations would go. And it said something very strange about Kris' mind that he could use words like indicative to himself.
"That depends."
"Oh what?"
"Is it going to be good?"
Adam rolled his eyes mightily at that question. "As if I would ever invite you to a show that was not going to be epic, really I thought you knew me better than that by now, Kristopher."
Okay, so Adam hadn't lied when he said he wouldn't invite Kris to a show that wasn't going to be epic - because oh my god it was so epic that Kris was still just kind of flying after they had left and were walking back to campus together. There really wasn't anything better than good music, good music and dancing, and drinking, and Adam just right there the entire time. It was amazing.
"You look like you had a good time." Adam grinned watching Kris as they walked together. The air was cold, but it was almost as good as the show had been to be outside again - it was so hot in there, and the cold night air felt almost as good as any number of comparisons Kris could make at the moment. All of them would probably have Adam laughing, and as much as he wanted to do that he didn't say any of them, just kept walking with Adam, practically bouncing as he went.
"I did." Kris assured Adam. "God that was just ... I can't believe you've never taken me to something like that before - I don't know how I've gone this long without doing something like that, can we do that again? Maybe tomorrow? Is there something tomorrow we could do? God please say that there is."
Adam just laughed as Kris babbled on about the show, all the parts he liked, the parts he loved, there was surprisingly no part he claimed not to like. "Actually there is something tomorrow night too if you're interested."
"Yes!"
"You haven't even heard what it is yet, maybe it's a lecture on something really boring."
"I don't think you could sit through a lecture on a Saturday night, in fact I don't think you even sit through lectures during the week."
"Kris," Adam clutched his chest, affecting a shocked expression. "I cannot believe you'd even suggest such a thing about me, I am a model student."
"A model something, is more like it."
"Shut up, you whore."
"A whore? Really? I'm wearing plaid; I don't think whores wear plaid."
"Some might, you know in Arkansas."
"We don't have whores in Arkansas."
"Oh Kristopher, my sweet naïve Kristopher, have I told you recently how much I like you?"
"Not lately."
"Well I do."
"Oh good."
They walked together quietly after that, down the cold streets, Kris still hopping and generally being a complete idiot. Maybe this was what Kris had needed, Adam to just tell him to stop being an idiot - he could say stupid things and they could move on and everything was going to be okay. He could still talk to Adam, and they could go to amazing shows together, and Kris could talk to him about the new songs he was working on, and everything would be alright. This could be okay.
"Do you want to hang out a bit longer?" Kris asked when they made it back to the dorms, even though Adam was probably sick of him by that point, he wanted to ask. "I've got a few chords in my head that I need to get out and I want to see if they sound alright. Will you come up?"
"Sure."
"Great."
Maybe it should have been awkward, but it was easy. Kris didn't even think there was anything weird about it - of course he should ask Adam up after the show, of course he wanted to show him the chords that had been bouncing around in his head since they left the venue earlier. He wanted Adam to hear them, to tell him how they sounded. Maybe he could make Adam grin as wide as he had been at the show that night, like he really loved the music more than anything else.
It was easy.
Maybe easier than it should have been, but Kris didn't think about that as he sat on his bed with his guitar, Adam stretched out on the bed beside him just listening. When he got going Adam would close his eyes and just listen, occasionally humming along with him adding his own harmonies. They were different than anything Kris would have added himself, but they were perfectly Adam, and that made them wonderful.
"What do you think of this?" Kris asked, they'd been sitting there for a few hours now, Kris thumbing through a few different melodies on and off while they talked. And he played something different, something new that he hadn't shared with anyone else yet.
Adam closed his eyes and smiled while Kris played, like maybe he was just letting the music wrap itself around him and hold him, taking it all in, in a way you never could with your eyes opened.
"That's great, really Kris, you'd better be planning on making something from that."
"I am."
"Good."
"Good."
Kris leaned back against the wall, and tipped his head back closing his eyes as he did so and just listened. It was quiet, or as quiet as dorms ever really got - shouts coming from the halls occasionally, someone playing an instrument somewhere - and Kris just listened to the sound of Adam breathing, pictured the sight of him laying on his bed and just smiled.
This was a good night, a great night in fact. Kris was just starting to forget why he ever ran away from Adam in the first place when the bed shifted, when his guitar was pulled from his hands, and when Adam straddled his hips.
It was Adam's knees settling on either side of Kris' thighs that made him open his eyes, arching an eyebrow at Adam, but he didn't actually say anything. Later Kris might say it was because he was trying to think of something to say, trying to understand what Adam was doing there. Adam would say it was because Kris wanted it so much. And Kris would say Adam was a lying liar who lies.
But Kris didn't say anything; he just looked at Adam, looked at his face, and let it happen. Adam leaned forward just a bit, enough to brush his lips against Kris', slow and sweet and oh god not nearly enough.
Kris licked his lips slowly when Adam pulled away - it should have been the first time they kissed when they were both sober, but that had already happened, and there had been enough clichés coloring their relationship up to that point without adding another.
"Well…" Kris paused for a moment considering Adam. "That was unexpected." But not really - this was Adam, the Adam that Kris had all ready kissed more than once, who Kris thought was beautiful, and sang better than anyone else Kris had ever heard, and still managed to look at Kris like he was better, the Adam who put up with all his insanity and still invited him to concerts with his friends, who hadn't made Kris pay him back for the shoes he no doubt ruined, and didn't actually give him such a hard time after finding out Kris had resorted to hiding in bushes to avoid him.
This was what everything had been building up to become, from that very first day on campus to tonight. It had always been leading to this point, whether Kris had known it or not, and whether Kris had wanted it or not. This was the point he'd been headed for from the very beginning.
"Come here." Kris grinned and curled his fingers around the back of Adam's neck and pulled him back, kissing him. A real kiss this time, not a drunken fumbling of lips, and not the shocked surprised kiss Kris had gotten when Adam heard him sing for the first time, and not even the light brush of lips that Adam had given him only moments before, but a real kiss. One that said your beautiful and I love you and you're the best friend I've ever had (yes even better than Cale who is still a dick for telling on me) and I can't believe we didn't do this sooner and I've wanted to do this since I was nineteen and you're perfect and please please please yes right there just like that and oh please touch me again and don't stop and just a bit more and oh god fuck fuck fuck yes god yes.
Later Kris would say it was just supposed to be one kiss, one kiss to say everything he'd needed to say. And Adam would say that Kris just had a lot to say, too much for one single kiss, but he didn't mind that it ended up being more than one that first night. It was kind of perfect that way actually.
And Kris? Well he'd just smile and kiss Adam again.
Master Post | Part 1 | Part 2 | Art
The rest of the semester ended up being no where near as exciting as the first half of it had been, he stayed far away from the red cups at all the parties he went to after his horrible experience with the drinks that usually came in those sorts of cups. He stayed close to Cale even when it meant being hit by a wayward arm or leg from time to time, and he did his damnedest to avoid Adam as much as he possibly could.
It wasn't entirely possible of course, considering Adam still was his RA, and there were things like hall meetings. But he always left as quickly as he could after and didn't ever let Adam catch him on his own. His humiliation had been too great after the party; he hadn't even been able to bring himself to apologize for being sick on Adam's shoes which were no doubt completely ruined thanks to Kris. And he really did deserve an apology at the very least.
But Adam had kissed him, or maybe he had kissed Adam, he wasn't completely sure - things were a bit hazy that night when he tried to remember them. Some parts were more clear than others, but what was completely clear was the fact that he had most certainly been kissed, it was just unclear who had started the kiss.
So that coupled with the fact that Kris was pretty sure he'd die of embarrassment if he ever had to actually talk to Adam again, he'd avoided him for the rest of the semester.
And he'd done a pretty good job of it - considering it was now the last day of the semester. He'd finished his last final earlier in the day and now Kris was back in his room packing up his things so he could fly home for the Christmas holiday. Cale had left earlier in the day, leaving Kris a note on his pillow:
I bet you totally failed that last final
Anyway I'm out of here
And tell your mom to send more cookies back with you
Merry Christmas, Bitch!
-C
And along with the note he'd left Kris a tablet filled with music staff paper. Fuck, Kris really would have to bring him cookies for this, that jerk. Leave it to Cale to insult him and be kind of a great friend all at the same time; Cale had always been special like that.
Kris was carefully rolling up his clothes in preparation to stuff them all into his backpack, his flight left early the next morning, so he was taking the time to pack now and then sleep a bit later in the morning. He was a college student after all, he had his priorities.
Of course that was the moment when there came a knock on his open door, so that anyone walking through the hall could stick their head in and say hey before they headed out for the Christmas break. Though this wasn't just one of Kris' many friends it was someone he had decided he disliked very much the last time he'd seen him and Kris was pretty sure he was going to die when Adam stuck his head in his room and grinned.
"Hey, still here?"
"Um… yeah." Kris said after a moment of staring at Adam like an idiot. All he could think about was how he'd thrown up on Adam's shoes, and maybe a very small part of his mind thought about kissing him again, especially when the corners of Adam's mouth pulled up in a grin while he watched this jumble of emotions play across Kris' face. Oh god why was it so hard to think straight when Adam was around?
"Cool, just a few people left now, everyone clears out pretty fast when finals are over." Adam stepped into the room then, and he didn't just take a step into the room he came in and made himself at home, practically throwing himself on Cale's bed feet hanging off the edge while he grinned at Kris.
"Yeah… my roommate kind of ran off as soon as he finished his last final."
Adam nodded, and oh god what did he want? He was finally going to be able to exact some kind of revenge on Kris now that they were practically alone together - at least the door was open. Adam couldn't really kill him if the door was open - could he? Kris hoped that was the case because he really was looking forward to going home for Christmas and opening presents, he had a hunch this would be the year he got that new sound editing program he'd been after for ages now. It would be a shame if he died and never got a chance to play with it the way he wanted.
"You can't kill me." Kris blurted out, and why did he do things like this? Nothing good ever came of opening his mouth and saying the first thing that came to mind. It always ended badly, how many times would Kris have to go through this to learn it?
Adam just smirked arching an eyebrow at him.
"I mean it's just, I'm going home in the morning and my parents would be really upset, and I know my mom seems kind of crazy when you meet her in person but she's not that bad, and she would totally have to come up here and kill you or something if you killed me, so you can't, okay?"
"Okay." Adam inclined his head to Kris and grinned.
Well that was ... Kris wasn't really sure what it was. He narrowed his eyes at Adam, but Adam only grinned at him before flopping back on Cale's bed and folding his hands under his head.
"Most everyone who is leaving so far is gone already, there are only a few people staying over the break." That was not at all the sort of response he was expecting from Adam and Kris didn't really know how to respond to it.
"Are you going home?" It was the best response he could think of that wasn't some sort of reiteration that Adam shouldn't kill him, and he'd said it a few times now, so he was just going to trust that Adam had gotten the point.
"Nah, I'm staying up here like I do every year."
"You stay here every Christmas?" Kris was a little shocked to hear that. "Doesn't your family miss you?"
"Oh sure, but they come to visit for Thanksgiving and we do all the holiday stuff then too." Adam explained. "It saves on time, and the school is really calm over the break, I kind of love it. I can turn my music up as loud as I want and sing in the middle of the night and there's no one around to care about it." He grinned, and Kris couldn't help but smile - it did sound kind of fun.
"You don't get bored?"
"There's a little bit of that, but it's nice you know?"
Kris shrugged because he really didn't know, Adam just grinned at him. And Kris felt himself flush, because he couldn't think of anything more to say, and when he looked at Adam all he could think was that Adam kissed him, and it hadn't been terrible, and then he'd puked on Adam's shoes - and then never said anything to him after that, and oh god why was he so bad at life? It wasn't fair that he could fail so much, but that had always been the way he lived his life - one moment of fail after another.
Adam smirked just a bit, or maybe Kris just imagined it, he couldn't really be sure, but it seemed like a possibility considering everything that had happened between them and the fact that Kris was sitting there blushing like an idiot.
Eventually though, Adam spared Kris and just laid back on Cale's bed again folding his arms under his head sighing. Kris took the time to take a slow steady breath, and reminded himself that he shouldn't tell Adam not to kill him again, though the urge to do so was coming back with a vengeance.
"So I guess this semester has been busy?" It was Adam who broke the silence that had fallen over them first, of course it was.
"Um, yeah." Kris lifted his shoulders in a shrug and gave a half hearted kind of laugh. "You know lots to do and stuff."
"Yeah I remember that."
"It's not so bad all the time, but some of these classes are pretty intense. I can see why you didn't go after songwriting - it's a pain in the ass." Kris liked writing songs, he loved it most of the time - but there was just something about having to write for a class, knowing what he wrote would be graded, that he'd have to play the song in front of the class and be judged by it … it took all the joy out of the act, and Kris always felt more than a little stunted when put in that position. The songs he wrote on his own always felt better, the music and words fitting together in a way he could never seem to manage when he tried to make something for a class.
"Yeah, though I have to say this year has been pretty killer - you'd think performance classes would be pretty easy." And yes, for someone like Adam, Kris did think a performance based class would be pretty easy. "It's not though, it's like all I can think about is the professor watching me and thinking about how much I must suck and it's a total buzz kill."
Kris couldn't help but laugh and nod. "I get that same feeling with writing."
"Suppose we all do."
"Yeah."
It was easier after that, talking to Adam. Oh, Kris still fumbled over himself, and they had a few more false starts, but eventually they found a topic that worked for them, or in some cases a series of them (guy liner, mixtapes, stupid roommates [sorry Cale], and life in Conway), but the conversation didn't seem to come to a stop for hours once they'd gotten started.
Kris was surprised to say the least, he expected something halting, something awkward and strange - it was nothing less than what he what deserved after how he'd left things with Adam, and though he waited for it all evening it never came. And before he realized it Kris had stopped waiting for the other shoe to fall and just enjoyed the company.
Adam even managed to convince him to pull out his guitar and play for him. First it was just songs that Kris knew from memory, a few of the Beatles, some Counting Crows, and Van Morrison. Adam made him admit to knowing a few songs from Brittany Spears and they both sang a bit too loudly to those, though they dissolved into hysterics before they were able to complete more than two verses of any song. (What? Baby One More Tim is fucking hilarious - especially because Adam seemed to have the dance moves down.)
"What? It was a very popular song when I was in middle school - I don't think I can be blamed for that, besides she used to be hot." Kris just shook his head slowly.
"Whatever you say dude, you still know Brittany's dance moves." Kris smirked.
"Fuck you." Adam just grinned though, and then paused. "Hey, you should play something you've written." Kris thought that was a spectacularly bad idea.
"I dunno," Nothing he'd written was anything like any of the music they'd been singing along to up to this point, it was all kind of personal too - he only ever played covers when he played in public - he didn't even play his own stuff for Katy very often. It had always just seemed a little weird, and he'd liked keeping that part of himself a bit private from everything else. Maybe it was silly - it was just music after all, and if things went the way he'd always hoped he'd be playing the songs for thousands of people at some point. But it was different, or so he told himself again and again. When you played for a crowd they all fed off each other, and focused on the feeling of being there - of the experience, you played for one person and it was intimate and close and you couldn't hide behind a great sound system or flashing lights. There was only him and his guitar.
"Oh come on." Adam sat up then, he'd been draped out on Cale's bed for the better part of the last hour, and he gave Kris the most imploring look possible. "You totally owe me, those shoes were expensive." Fuck. Fuck Adam Lambert and his stupid ruined shoes, and that stupid fucking kiss, and his ability to lull Kris into a false sense of security before dropping the bomb on him.
"That's not fair, man." Kris sounded pathetic to his own ears and he cringed at the whining tone his voice had taken on.
"Life's not fair, Allen, deal with it." Adam was grinning, pleased with himself, "Now play me a song."
Kris glared at Adam and sighed, wracking his brain for one of his songs that wasn't completely awful, one that he might be able to get through without wishing he was dead - though that was unlikely at best. Adam just sat patiently waiting, and Kris knew there was no getting out of this one, and he wasn't in a hurry to see what Adam would do to get his way.
"Okay, this is really meant for the piano, but yeah …" Kris huffed out a short burst of air, working himself up for it.
The song started slow, mellow and easy, he liked this one - liked the way the chords moved from one to the next, the way the lyrics fit with the melody. He might have been proud of this one - you know if he were actually playing it the way it was meant to be played and it wasn't like some kind of payment for ruined shoes.
Life's been blinding me from what I thought I'd see. Is there clarity in this insanity? What she wants from me?
It was easy to lose himself in the words once he'd started, he forgot about Adam sitting there across the small space that separated the two beds, and just focused on the music. The feel of the strings against his fingers, the words and they fell from his mouth, and the emotion behind all of it.
That was why he had trouble writing songs for class, he'd always written from life, from experience and usually in the midst of whatever was happening in his life - writing on command, the way his professors expected him to? It was hard as shit, he came up with songs about crappy roommates, and that one really horrifically bad song he'd written right after Katy had dumped him. Cale was right, Kris was just not an emo writer - the results were always terrible.
But this, this song had been born out of true emotion - it fit that time in his life perfectly and it brought memories sweeping back to him far easier than should have been right. He remembered his mother, her face sweet and smiling and just so damn happy, proud of him, and his dad and Daniel. Even Katy's face had been there, showing up brighter than the others. So many of the songs he'd written were attached firmly to memories of her.
He finished quietly, pushing past the hurt of some of the memories until the final chords died away. Yes - he liked this song, even here, where it sounded all wrong on the guitar, it summed up so many memories and emotions in a way he'd never be able to if he actually tried to sit down and explain it to anyone.
It took Kris a few minutes to remember that he'd been playing the song for Adam, and he flushed pink when he looked up to see Adam staring at him intently from across the room. He licked his lips slowly and settled the guitar across his lap, fingers drumming nervously across the top.
"So…" What exactly were you supposed to say when you played a song for someone and then they didn't reply? Because Kris was pretty sure that wasn't a good sign. "It's actually supposed to be played on the piano, but these rooms are kind of small." He rubbed the back of his neck self-consciously waiting for some kind of a response, even if all Adam would say was that it sucked.
The eventual response he got was not actually that the song sucked, in fact, if the enthusiasm behind the kiss that Adam pressed against his lips a few moments later was anything to go off of, Kris was pretty sure that the song was so very far from sucking. Which was a relief.
"You could maybe use your words next time." Kris suggested with a small grin, not quite sure what to say - he'd kissed Adam twice now. Or he'd kissed Adam once and Adam had kissed him once, so maybe that made them even and it was all okay? He didn't really know how these things worked - he'd only ever kissed Katy before, and even though they'd done quite a bit of kissing none of that had prepared him for Adam.
"I could try that." Adam agreed, he was leaning back against the wall on Kris' bed now, legs dangling over the edge of the bed, arms crossed across his stomach - possibly not the most comfortable position in the world, but Adam didn't look like he was in a hurry to move.
And in fact, he wasn't. They talked for another two hours; Adam even managed to get Kris to sing another song - though Kris escaped unkissed after the second attempt. Eventually, Adam sat up, stretching his arms above his head and craning his neck to see the red neon read out on Kris' alarm clock.
"It's getting late." Kris nodded; he'd have to be up in 5 hours to make his flight. "I should go."
"Okay." Truthfully though, Kris wasn't exactly in a hurry to get rid of Adam - despite the strange moment of the kiss, Kris had enjoyed spending the evening with him. It wasn't nearly the sad lonely affair he'd been sure he'd have that night.
And after Adam left, Kris turned out the lights and curled up under his blanket falling asleep easily, happy and warm.
Parties seemed to be the highlight of college life - or if nothing else they were an excellent way to forget about shit professors and the start of classes again. Though Kris had never really been the type to dread the start of a new school year - there would only be one more start of the school year after this one and so he planned on enjoying it while he had the chance.
Of course that meant heading out to the annual Back to School/Welcome back party that started off every year. Cale wouldn't have let him miss it, even if he wanted to - just because they weren't roommates this semester (there were actually some perks to being an upper classman apparently, and single rooms were one of them ) wasn't an excuse for Cale to simply leave Kris alone. They already had two years of practice, pushing each other around, it seemed a waste to stop now.
"No, dude you do not understand, if you miss this party I will have to murder you." Cale had told him earlier in the day. Kris thought that was a bit dramatic, but preferred murder to the suggestion that Cale might call his mother and tell her he wasn't being sociable. And yes, even though they were now juniors Cale still held that over his head - much to his mother's immense satisfaction, and Kris' eternal mortification.
But such was life at Berklee and Kris had learned to deal with some facts early on in his time there. Like the fact that Cale was always going to be a bit of a dick, and he still hated song writing for grades, and he would never actually be able to have a conversation with Adam that didn't end up with him completely and utterly embarrassed at some point - these were all just facts of life and Kris had accepted them by this point and moved on from there.
It was easier that way.
"There you are!" Cale grinned stupidly at Kris just moments after he'd arrived, like he had nothing better to do than wait for Kris to show up at some party.
"Here I am." Kris agreed, with much less enthusiasm, but he couldn't help grinning at his friend - for all that Cale was a dick Kris actually did like him, go figure. He was a bit late of course, just because Cale told him he had to come didn't mean he had to come on time, so the party was in full swing by the time he got his first drink, and Cale obviously had himself a bit of a buzz to help him through the night. "So everything you hoped it would be?" He smirked.
"Better." Cale answered seriously, before his face split into a wide grin and he shoved a girl with bright red hair at Kris. "This is Allison!" He grinned like he expected Kris to have been pleased to find himself practically stumbling as the girl in question was shoved at him. "She's amazing, Kris." His eyes went wide at the sentiment.
"Okay." Kris said the word slowly, drawing it out, and looking first at Cale and then down at Allison who had managed to regain her footing a moment later and then punched Cale in the shoulder.
"Come on man, just because I'm awesome is no reason to get pushy." She glared at him before grinning brightly at Kris. Okay maybe she was awesome. "I'm Allison." And with that she hugged Kris.
"Um… Kris." He wasn't sure if he was supposed to hug her again or not and instead decided it was safest just to smile.
And after the awkward introductions were out of the way, Allison proceeded to act like she had known Kris and Cale for years instead of just minutes and spent the next few hours, cuddling with the pair of them while drinking what Kris was sure was far too many cups of whatever it was they were serving tonight.
"Don't you think you've had enough?" Kris asked her after a few hours. He'd lost count of his own drinking a while back but was pretty sure Allison was somewhere around six or seven by this point. "You'll want to remember your first start of the year party after all." He reminded her.
Allison rolled her eyes, and Kris imagined himself making that same move after the same number of drinks and it was enough to make him sway just thinking about it, but Allison shook her head for good measure. "I'm fine, really." She promised and pressed a kiss against Kris' cheek. Oh god Allison and Cale were going to be a handful this year, Kris could tell that much already. Just the pair of them together? It spelled bad news from the get go.
Kris was distracted from further worrying about Allison though, when a new band stepped up onto the makeshift stage - though calling the area where the bands set up a stage was more than a little generous, it was just a corner of the main room that had been cleared of furniture and had a few amps, a keyboard, and a drum set strategically placed around in what should have been a good layout for most groups to play in.
That was the thing about going to a music school, there were never any shortages of bands willing to play at the parties. Quite the opposite actually.
Of course this group was one Kris hadn't seen at any of the parties he'd been to since he'd started at Berklee. He certainly would have remembered Adam looking like that in the past.
He seemed taller tonight, maybe it was the boots, god those boots - Kris had never seen anything like them, but they made him feel funny right in the pit of his stomach when he looked at them, and he couldn't help the way his eyes moved upwards, following the long line of Adam's legs, the smooth dark leather of the pants that must have been painted on they were so tight, and the shirt, only Adam could manage to wear a shirt that looked like he might have bedazzled it himself and gone a bit crazy with the glitter for a bit of added flair.
But it was his face that really caught Kris' attention. Adam had always worn makeup, it wasn't surprising to see him wearing it tonight, but fuck if Kris wasn't completely caught by it tonight, he wasn't sure what was different, the glitter maybe, something about his lips. And Kris couldn't help but think that he knew what those lips felt like against his, and he wanted to do that again, to maybe taste them this time - before he wanted to taste all of Adam, he wanted to pull him outside right at that moment and push him into the cool grass and straddle his hips and …
"Oh wow." Allison pulled him out of his thoughts, and Kris couldn't help the way he flushed as he realized where his mind had been going. "Who is that?"
Adam caught Kris staring right at that moment and waved at him, grinning, and Kris flailed a bit, because oh god Adam was totally going to know he was staring and he was definitely going to know just what Kris was thinking because that was exactly how Kris' life worked, but Allison interrupted his thoughts as they spiraled toward his doom. "You know him?" She asked a little awed.
"Hmm?" Kris tried to pull himself together as quickly as possible and returned his attention on Allison. "Oh yeah, that's Adam." He cleared his throat and nodded.
"Are you okay?" She asked arching an eyebrow at Kris and grinning at him, and the expression looked just a bit too much like Allison knew what was going on for Kris' comfort.
"Fine." Kris nodded and he was saved as a rolling base beat began to fill the room. If only one thing could be said for the group Adam was standing with, it was that they were excellent at filling with space with sound.
Of course there was far more to be said for them than just that one thing - in fact, Kris wasn't even sure where to start. But if he did, he imagined it would be somewhere with Adam, he'd only thought he was entranced earlier, but when Adam opened his mouth, it was more than obvious why he'd been accepted to Berklee. It was amazing, he could put so much power behind even the softest notes, and have them spread throughout around the room and yet Kris felt like each note Adam sang was one that was just for him.
And god he felt like such an utter idiot for ever thinking that he could be a singer when there were people like Adam around - how could he ever compete with something like this? It was impossible. And all Kris could do was watch, Adam was like something out of another world when he sang - which was pretty impressive considering he always seemed to live his life on his own plain of existence as it was; he was just something otherworldly as he held the mic, his whole body moved with the music, it drew him back and forth across the stage, and made Kris follow him wherever he went.
He wasn't sure how many songs they went through before they began winding down - or the music began winding down Adam only seemed to pick up the longer they went, drawing out the notes impossibly long, and putting everything into the performance of it. And as the last note faded out, Adam pulled the bassist toward him and Kris didn't even realize what was happening until Adam pulled away from him, lips red and wet and lifted the mic to the ceiling to much shouting and screaming.
Allison was practically giddy. "Oh my god, Kris, did you see that?" She tugged on his arm, and Kris could only nod dumbly. "Wow, I mean wow - I want to do that."
"Yeah, me too." Though they weren't actually talking about the same thing.
With the constant attention of Allison and Cale taking a break from his flailing dance moves Kris moved past the sort of stupor Adam's performance had left him in and ended up enjoying most of the rest of the party.
"Will you make sure she makes it back okay?" Allison might have assured Kris no less than twenty times that she was perfectly fine, but he'd seen her put away far too many drinks for him to just send her off into the night without some kind of assurance that she would be alright.
"Yeah man." Allison was leaning heavily on Cale and grinning at him.
"You have pretty eyes..." She told him seriously, nodding firmly as she did, which made her sway just a bit on her feet.
"I know, Kris is telling me that all the time." Cale grinned.
"He's very sweet."
"Yes he is."
Kris rolled his eyes at the pair of them. "Go home before I'm tempted to smack you both." He warned them, and Allison kissed his cheek and Cale repeated the act a moment later smirking at Kris before he began to tow Allison away from him, and saved himself the smack that he so righteously deserved.
Normally Kris would have taken Allison back to the dorms himself, but well - he kind of wanted to see if Adam was still around, it was stupid, especially after that kiss. He didn't know what he was expecting but Kris went to look for him anyway.
Eventually, after asking around a bit Kris found Adam outside on the steps leading down into the yard, his head between his knees like maybe he'd had too much too drink.
"Hey, you okay?" Kris asked as he sat down beside Adam, who didn't lift his head and instead just mumbled something incoherent to the step under his feet. "What was that?" Kris grinned slightly.
"Kill me please."
He couldn't help but laugh then and shook his head. "Sorry, they frown upon things like that and I can't lose my scholarship."
"Jerk." Adam turned his head to look at Kris, and he was struck again by just how beautiful Adam looked tonight, and why the hell was Kris thinking that a guy was beautiful? But it seemed to be the only thing that actually described how Adam.
"Sorry; wanna talk about it? Or do you just need to be sick? You can puke on my shoes if that'll help." Kris offered with a small smile.
"That's sweet, but really ruining your converse is so not even in the same ballpark as my boots." Adam replied.
"So, okay, that doesn't work for you - talk?" Kris suggested next, shrugging. He hadn't particularly wanted Adam to ruin his shoes, these had sentimental value after all - who cared that they were converse? Really?
Adam just looked at Kris for a moment and sighed, "I don't want to do that to you." He said after a few quiet moments.
"Come on, I've unloaded on you before, it's the least I can do to return the favor." Kris told him. "I don't mind."
"It's not important, I just broke up with my boyfriend tonight." Adam was pretty blasé about the whole thing; Kris had been a wreck with Katy told him things weren't going to work out. And Adam might have been sitting there with his head between his knees when Kris found him, but it was obvious he hadn't been out here crying, and he didn't look like he had been drowning his sorrows in a drink either.
"The bassist?" Kris asked without thinking, perfect really, that was just what Adam needed right now.
"What? Tommy?" Adam smiled and shook his head. "No, not him, I don't think you actually know him. Like I said, it's not important, I just needed some air is all - I'll be fine."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, Kris, I'm fine."
"Okay."
Well, now Kris wasn't sure what he was supposed to say, Adam was fine and there was really no point to him being out there now, but he wasn't exactly in a hurry to leave.
"You were kind of amazing, tonight." Kris blurted out, because really how long could they sit there not talking to one another? Kris had never been very good with drawn out silences and always felt the need to fill them eventually - thankfully he hadn't said something like you look beautiful tonight because if he had actually said that Kris was pretty sure he'd have to kill himself, and he really wanted that degree before he died. So it really was better for all of them that Kris hadn't actually given in to that particular desire.
"Thanks." Adam actually looked pleased then, and not the kind of resigned look he'd been wearing since Kris came out to fine him.
"I didn't know you could do that." Kris pushed a hand through his hair and watched Adam while he spoke. "I mean, I figured you were good - everyone is here, right? But ... why are you even here?" Kris asked after a moment trying to find the words to say what he meant, but not really finding them.
"What do you mean?
"Why are you going to school? I mean you're amazing, you could get a recording deal, you could do shows and stuff, people would come to see you. It doesn't make sense you being here." Kris told him, speaking far too quickly, but once he'd started he couldn't seem to stop himself.
"Umm... well I guess because I never really thought I could do this for real. I mean it's one thing at house parties and in classes, but actually doing this?" Adam shrugged and gave Kris a doubtful look. "It's kind of still in fantasy land, and I haven't really gotten to the point where I think it might actually be a real option for me."
"Have you even heard yourself sing?" Kris wondered, because surely it should have been as obvious to Adam how good he was as it was to probably everyone who had heard him tonight. "You're ... you're too good to be here."
And then it was silent again and god why was Kris always saying something stupid? He just couldn't help himself, and once he opened his mouth he couldn't stop the words from coming out and it was only when he'd finally let himself run out of things to say that he realized what an idiot he sounded like.
"I'm just …" Kris sighed and stood up. "I'll see you later."
"Kris," And Kris almost let himself stop, it would have been easy to, to turn back and talk to Adam - it was always easy to talk to Adam . Too easy. He didn't stop, he just kept walking, carefully making his way back through the house, slipping under arms and through tight spaces between groups of people still talking and laughing and dancing until he found the front door and escaped.
He was such an idiot.
So far Kris' plan on avoiding Adam for the rest of the year was working out pretty well - they never had classes together, and Kris was pretty sure they didn't live on the same floor anymore, but he couldn't be sure, since his room was close to the elevator he didn't spend a lot of time lingering in the halls.
Of course, just like his first attempt at avoiding Adam completely, Kris could never be entirely successful - no matter how diligent he was.
Hall meetings, they were the one part of his plan that Kris had failed to consider. He didn't just keep his door open anymore the way he had in years past - that was just asking Adam to poke his head in and call him out on his very strange behavior, and Kris knew, even a month later he would let slip that he thought Adam was beautiful and he still had no idea how to explain that one.
"Do you think I could get out of it?" Kris wondered at lunch, the signs had been up all week announcing the meeting that night.
Cale and Allison rolled their eyes at one another, like Kris really was as big an idiot he always feared he was. "They have a sign in sheet dude, just like every other meeting we've been to, what makes you think this is going to be any different?"
"Karma?" Kris suggested hopefully.
"You know, I'm a firm believer in Karma, but I think given that you've been doing a terrible impression of a ninja across campus every day for the last month just to avoid Adam - who is totally hot by the way - this is probably Karma's way of telling you you're acting like an idiot."
And there was the confirmation.
"I would make a great ninja." Kris pouted.
"Dude, really?"
"I would! I'm tiny and fast, and I could totally kill you with one hand tied behind my back."
Cale and Allison shared a look between them, they had known each other all of a month and already they were sharing looks, about him no less - there was something just so wrong about that. Kris groaned and pressed his forehead against the tabletop.
"It won't be that bad, I don't know why you do this to yourself, man." Cale patted Kris's shoulder in what was probably meant to be a comforting way, but was a bit too forceful for real comfort.
"You weren't there; you don't know how bad it was."
"It couldn't have been that bad." Allison chimed in then, and Kris wanted to pinch the bridge of his nose but then he would have to lift his head off the table, and look at those two and he wasn't ready for that just yet. "It's not like he's angry with you - I think he would have come to find you if that was the case."
"Maybe."
"He probably thinks you're more of an idiot for trying to avoid him than anything you said. It's not like you ruined a second pair of his shoes or anything."
Kris could practically hear Allison raising an eyebrow at that, and he wanted to punch Cale for bringing that up again.
"You know," Kris finally lifted his head to glare at the pair of them, who were currently giving him a pair of very unconvincing innocent expressions. "If you two are going to whisper about me, you could actually lower your voices, or maybe just tell her my tales of humiliation when I'm not sitting across from you both."
"But where is the fun in that?" They both grinned at that, like it had been a shared thought - and knowing them it probably was.
"I hate my life."
"You do not."
"I might."
"Oh stop it, just go to the meeting tonight and talk to him - he might not even remember you running away like a twelve year old." Kris cast Cale a doubtful look then. "Okay, he'll probably remember, but better to get this over with now than let it drag out and really make a fool of yourself."
Kris sighed; he wasn't going to be getting out of this - that much was certain.
He did manage to secure a spot in the back of the room for the meeting though, as far from the group of gathered RAs as possible, and thankfully the sign in sheet was being passed around so he didn't have to go up to the front to sign in - maybe he could actually get out of this without talking to Adam.
Really - Kris should have known better.
"Kris!" How was that even possible? The meeting had only just let out and Kris had turned on his heel and was already on the stairs when he heard his name, so either he could keep going the way he had at the party or he could turn around.
"Oh Adam, hi." Kris plastered a grin on his face and hoped he managed to be at least a little convincing with it.
"Hey." Judging from the look Adam gave him Kris was not convincing at all - though perhaps he was a little amusing, and he wasn't entirely sure how he felt about that.
"What's up?"
"I thought we could talk."
"Um… yeah okay."
"Great, I'll just come with you to your room? I mean unless you're busy." Oh this was a monumentally bad idea, Kris knew it, but this needed to happen sooner or later. So he could either get it over with now or later. And it would probably be worse the longer he put it off.
"Yeah, sure, yeah come on." Keep it together Allen, Kris muttered to himself as he turned back around, Adam catching up to him easily and they started up the stairs together.
Kris had never been able to put a finger on just what it was about Adam that caught him off guard nearly every time they spoke - ever since that very first day on campus. It didn't seem fair, Adam was just a guy after all, a guy who apparently couldn't decide on a major long enough to graduate, a guy who was an amazing singer, and looked kind of beautiful when he wore make up, and who always seemed to be able to get Kris to talk no matter how much Kris would rather do anything else.
It wasn't fair.
He unlocked his room slowly, his fingers feeling numb for some reason, eventually though he managed to get the key into the lock and open the door, letting them both in. Kris considered keeping the door open, but he could already see that working against him. So he closed it.
"So…." Damn his need to fill silences, Kris blamed his mother for that. She was totally at fault.
"I haven't seen you since the party." Adam shrugged. "You tend to do that a lot, you know."
"Do what?"
"Run away and then try and avoid me for weeks on end." Adam was grinning when he spoke, and Kris wasn't sure what was worse, that Adam knew he was being avoided or that he found it amusing. He really ought to just make peace with the idea that Adam found him funny no matter what he tried to do. "So I just wanted to know how long you were planning on avoiding me this time, you know so I know how long I have to wait before I make you talk to me again."
"Umm…" Kris frowned, Adam was making fun of him - and it was totally unfair, except for the part where this was all Kris' fault in the first place, and he did like talking with Adam, and he didn't like having to duck behind bushes and stuff as he crossed the quad to his classes whenever he thought he saw Adam. Cale was going to give him shit over that for years, Kris was sure of that. "I think you're already done that."
"So I have." Adam grinned winningly at Kris, and Kris couldn't help but roll his eyes at him. "No more avoiding me."
"Fine."
"No more jumping behind bushes?"
Kris' mouth popped open, and he wasn't sure what to say to that, because oh my god Adam had seen him diving behind bushes or he was some kind of creepy mind reader, and yet he was still here talking to him and what the hell was wrong with him? "Cale told me."
"I am going to murder him."
"It can wait." Adam assured Kris with a grin.
"I don't know."
"He and Allison seem to think that you were being stupid." Yes, Kris was going to murder them both. "Something about if they had to listen to you whine for much longer they were going to have to kill you." Adam chuckled. "I think it was an act of love." He paused. "Or maybe desperation."
"I hate you."
"No you don't."
"I might."
"No one would spend so much time avoiding someone they hate."
"I dunno, I decided I hated Mark Spencer in the fourth grade and spent six months doing as much as I could to avoid him." Of course there was only so much you could do to avoid someone you shared a class with, but Kris had been nine, and it made sense at the time.
"Okay, but I think I can safely say that you're just strange. No normal person would put so much effort into avoiding someone they hated."
Kris glared at Adam. "Are you here just to make fun of me, or did you have something specific you wanted to talk about?"
"I told you, Kris. I wanted to talk - you've been avoiding me for weeks now, and I miss talking to you. I heard this great band the other day and wanted to tell you about them, but you were avoiding me, and now I've forgotten all about them, and you'll never know how great they were." Kris arched an eyebrow doubtfully at Adam. "Alright fine they were called Big Time Hitters and they were amazing, but you missed them that night because you were too busy being an idiot and not talking to me."
"Sorry." Kris mumbled, and sighed. He wasn't about to explain to Adam why exactly he'd run away. He'd apologized and Adam had pushed his way into his life once again. They were set as far as Kris was concerned.
"You'd better be, I can't believe you just ran out like that. What are you? Twelve?"
"Shut up, man, I said I was sorry."
"I heard you."
"So let's move on."
Adam frowned then, sitting down on Kris' bed like he's in his own room, leaning back and toeing off his shoes. "You do that a lot."
"What?"
"The running and hiding bit."
"Didn't we all ready have this conversation?" Kris asked.
"Yeah, just bear with me for a minute," Kris signed but kept his mouth shut, if Adam had a point - and he almost always did - he'd make it whether Kris wanted him to or not. "Look I just, I figure there's a reason you're always running away from me and doing stupid things like jumping into the bushes to avoid talking to me. And I just thought maybe we should talk about it."
Oh.
This conversation.
This conversation was exactly the reason that Kris did things like jump into the bushes and take the long way to his classes to keep himself from walking in front of the performance halls when he was pretty sure that Adam was in class - even though he kind of really wanted to hear Adam sing again after the party, but he knew it was a bad idea - he knew it but he couldn't stop himself from wanting it. Just the way he'd known kissing Adam two years ago had been a terrible idea, and why he ran after the party because he knew he wouldn't be able to keep himself from saying something stupid. Saying stupid things was sort of a tradition for Kris, so it was guaranteed that he would do it around Adam.
"Maybe, this is a bad idea." Kris started, because oh it really was.
"Are you really going to try and avoid this now? After you promised me no more hiding?" Kris frowned; leave it to Adam to get him with something like that.
"This is not hiding; this is just me wanting to avoid an awkward conversation."
"Why does it have to be awkward?"
"Because it will be with you." Kris held his hands out helplessly and sighed. He didn't know how to tell Adam about all the things he'd been thinking ever since that first time he really talked to Adam in the laundromat, how Adam was always the first person he wanted to talk to when he was working on a new song, and he was always the person he wanted to talk to whenever he as having a hard time writing a song for a class. Adam just understood him; Adam understood music, and all the other things that were desperately important to Kris.
"Oh." Kris frowned, because the look on Adam's face had not been his aim with that comment. And he certainly hadn't kicked any puppies recently, so he was pretty sure he didn't actually deserve that look.
"Adam. Come on, it's just ... I don't know how to talk to you about this, I can't ever think straight when we're talking and I'll just say something stupid and have to go throw myself off the top of the Administration building once I've embarrassed myself in front of you yet again. So can we please just not, I like living, I like breathing, and I would have a really difficult time doing any of those things if I were dead."
"Wait ... you'd throw yourself off a building because you embarrassed yourself? Are you living in a Greek tragedy and didn't tell me? Because I'm pretty sure you don't have to resort to such drastic measures in the real world." Adam looked amused then, not the kind of disbelieving hurt expression he'd been wearing just moments ago - and how was that fair, by the way? He could make Kris feel like he was the biggest dick in the world one moment (something that only Cale was supposed to be), and like Kris was endlessly funny the next. That definitely didn't fit into Kris' definition of fair - though when he'd started expecting fair from his life Kris wasn't sure.
"It seemed like a good plan a few minutes ago."
"Right." Adam drew the word out slowly, making Kris feel even more stupid for coming up with that plan than he did all ready. So maybe he wouldn't throw himself off a building, maybe he'd just end up eating that unholy horror they liked to pretend was meatloaf in the cafeteria - that was probably a better response, then he could be sick for weeks and have an actual legitimate excuse for not seeing Adam. He liked this plan, aside from the part where he would have to actually eat the meatloaf, but some things just couldn't be avoided.
"It doesn't have to be that bad you know." Adam said after it looked like his moment of private amusement at Kris' stupidity had passed. "I mean, you might embarrass yourself, but I don't actually mind if you do - you're pretty funny when you're not running away from me all the time, you know?"
"Funny or Funny looking?" Kris sighed petulantly.
"Maybe a bit of both." Adam smirked. "Will you just... I dunno, stick around the next time you say something you think is embarrassing? We could make it a thing if you want. I'll laugh, you'll blush, and then we move on." He looked pleased with his plan as he finished, and Kris was thinking again of the Administration building.
"Not sure we could always move on from some of the things I might say."
"Unless you're going to tell me you hate me, and actually mean it then I don't think we're going to have a problem." Adam assured Kris.
"I mean it sometimes."
"Of course you do - that's why you blush so often, because you hate me so much."
"It's not blushing when it's rage." Kris was definitely not blushing, because he did not blush. Even if the look on Adam's face right at that moment, said that he was almost certainly blushing. Just really, fuck his life.
"Whatever you say, Kristopher."
"I hate you."
"I know."
"So, you want to go to a show with me tomorrow night?" Adam asked, maybe they really were moving past the embarrassment, though really just moving on once was not indicative of how all future conversations would go. And it said something very strange about Kris' mind that he could use words like indicative to himself.
"That depends."
"Oh what?"
"Is it going to be good?"
Adam rolled his eyes mightily at that question. "As if I would ever invite you to a show that was not going to be epic, really I thought you knew me better than that by now, Kristopher."
Okay, so Adam hadn't lied when he said he wouldn't invite Kris to a show that wasn't going to be epic - because oh my god it was so epic that Kris was still just kind of flying after they had left and were walking back to campus together. There really wasn't anything better than good music, good music and dancing, and drinking, and Adam just right there the entire time. It was amazing.
"You look like you had a good time." Adam grinned watching Kris as they walked together. The air was cold, but it was almost as good as the show had been to be outside again - it was so hot in there, and the cold night air felt almost as good as any number of comparisons Kris could make at the moment. All of them would probably have Adam laughing, and as much as he wanted to do that he didn't say any of them, just kept walking with Adam, practically bouncing as he went.
"I did." Kris assured Adam. "God that was just ... I can't believe you've never taken me to something like that before - I don't know how I've gone this long without doing something like that, can we do that again? Maybe tomorrow? Is there something tomorrow we could do? God please say that there is."
Adam just laughed as Kris babbled on about the show, all the parts he liked, the parts he loved, there was surprisingly no part he claimed not to like. "Actually there is something tomorrow night too if you're interested."
"Yes!"
"You haven't even heard what it is yet, maybe it's a lecture on something really boring."
"I don't think you could sit through a lecture on a Saturday night, in fact I don't think you even sit through lectures during the week."
"Kris," Adam clutched his chest, affecting a shocked expression. "I cannot believe you'd even suggest such a thing about me, I am a model student."
"A model something, is more like it."
"Shut up, you whore."
"A whore? Really? I'm wearing plaid; I don't think whores wear plaid."
"Some might, you know in Arkansas."
"We don't have whores in Arkansas."
"Oh Kristopher, my sweet naïve Kristopher, have I told you recently how much I like you?"
"Not lately."
"Well I do."
"Oh good."
They walked together quietly after that, down the cold streets, Kris still hopping and generally being a complete idiot. Maybe this was what Kris had needed, Adam to just tell him to stop being an idiot - he could say stupid things and they could move on and everything was going to be okay. He could still talk to Adam, and they could go to amazing shows together, and Kris could talk to him about the new songs he was working on, and everything would be alright. This could be okay.
"Do you want to hang out a bit longer?" Kris asked when they made it back to the dorms, even though Adam was probably sick of him by that point, he wanted to ask. "I've got a few chords in my head that I need to get out and I want to see if they sound alright. Will you come up?"
"Sure."
"Great."
Maybe it should have been awkward, but it was easy. Kris didn't even think there was anything weird about it - of course he should ask Adam up after the show, of course he wanted to show him the chords that had been bouncing around in his head since they left the venue earlier. He wanted Adam to hear them, to tell him how they sounded. Maybe he could make Adam grin as wide as he had been at the show that night, like he really loved the music more than anything else.
It was easy.
Maybe easier than it should have been, but Kris didn't think about that as he sat on his bed with his guitar, Adam stretched out on the bed beside him just listening. When he got going Adam would close his eyes and just listen, occasionally humming along with him adding his own harmonies. They were different than anything Kris would have added himself, but they were perfectly Adam, and that made them wonderful.
"What do you think of this?" Kris asked, they'd been sitting there for a few hours now, Kris thumbing through a few different melodies on and off while they talked. And he played something different, something new that he hadn't shared with anyone else yet.
Adam closed his eyes and smiled while Kris played, like maybe he was just letting the music wrap itself around him and hold him, taking it all in, in a way you never could with your eyes opened.
"That's great, really Kris, you'd better be planning on making something from that."
"I am."
"Good."
"Good."
Kris leaned back against the wall, and tipped his head back closing his eyes as he did so and just listened. It was quiet, or as quiet as dorms ever really got - shouts coming from the halls occasionally, someone playing an instrument somewhere - and Kris just listened to the sound of Adam breathing, pictured the sight of him laying on his bed and just smiled.
This was a good night, a great night in fact. Kris was just starting to forget why he ever ran away from Adam in the first place when the bed shifted, when his guitar was pulled from his hands, and when Adam straddled his hips.
It was Adam's knees settling on either side of Kris' thighs that made him open his eyes, arching an eyebrow at Adam, but he didn't actually say anything. Later Kris might say it was because he was trying to think of something to say, trying to understand what Adam was doing there. Adam would say it was because Kris wanted it so much. And Kris would say Adam was a lying liar who lies.
But Kris didn't say anything; he just looked at Adam, looked at his face, and let it happen. Adam leaned forward just a bit, enough to brush his lips against Kris', slow and sweet and oh god not nearly enough.
Kris licked his lips slowly when Adam pulled away - it should have been the first time they kissed when they were both sober, but that had already happened, and there had been enough clichés coloring their relationship up to that point without adding another.
"Well…" Kris paused for a moment considering Adam. "That was unexpected." But not really - this was Adam, the Adam that Kris had all ready kissed more than once, who Kris thought was beautiful, and sang better than anyone else Kris had ever heard, and still managed to look at Kris like he was better, the Adam who put up with all his insanity and still invited him to concerts with his friends, who hadn't made Kris pay him back for the shoes he no doubt ruined, and didn't actually give him such a hard time after finding out Kris had resorted to hiding in bushes to avoid him.
This was what everything had been building up to become, from that very first day on campus to tonight. It had always been leading to this point, whether Kris had known it or not, and whether Kris had wanted it or not. This was the point he'd been headed for from the very beginning.
"Come here." Kris grinned and curled his fingers around the back of Adam's neck and pulled him back, kissing him. A real kiss this time, not a drunken fumbling of lips, and not the shocked surprised kiss Kris had gotten when Adam heard him sing for the first time, and not even the light brush of lips that Adam had given him only moments before, but a real kiss. One that said your beautiful and I love you and you're the best friend I've ever had (yes even better than Cale who is still a dick for telling on me) and I can't believe we didn't do this sooner and I've wanted to do this since I was nineteen and you're perfect and please please please yes right there just like that and oh please touch me again and don't stop and just a bit more and oh god fuck fuck fuck yes god yes.
Later Kris would say it was just supposed to be one kiss, one kiss to say everything he'd needed to say. And Adam would say that Kris just had a lot to say, too much for one single kiss, but he didn't mind that it ended up being more than one that first night. It was kind of perfect that way actually.
And Kris? Well he'd just smile and kiss Adam again.
Master Post | Part 1 | Part 2 | Art