(no subject)
**this is just a whining post, dont read if you are in a good mood...well...you probly just dont want to read at all**
with the everlasting efficiancy of our nature to destroy, conquer, and corrupt, i see things as a mere matter of years from being a total meltdown...figuratively speaking of course. if you were to put the events of my life on a timeline, you would see a diminishing amount of effort put into...well...anything. im having a hard time caring about much anymore. whats even worse, is i look around and see a similar pattern in a lot of people. everyone is just content. no more striving, reaching, hoping...none of that, whats the point? where did that hunger go? that human nature to destroy and conquer, instead im destroying myself, im treading in idleness. waiting for something to come along and get me going again? maybe. hoping to just sit here un-noticed as long as possible? maybe. whatever it is, something should change soon, but i dont know if i can muster the will to really get going.
i'd like to blame the holiday's, or even the weather...but maybe its the fact that my parents just split up after 15 years and that guy i thought was going to be around and be my father-figure, the one i knew would always be there for my mom, the one supporting the family... is gone, and yea im 23...but that shit still hurts. And then hearing my mom cry at night in the other room when she thinks im sleeping, but always acting like everything is ok when i talk to her, you know...that might have something to do with it too...or having some deush bag slam into my van, totaling it, or not getting a call back from anywhere i put applications to, throw those in there also...seeing my band, the one thing i was really sure about, slipping away from laziness and other not-so priorities becoming priorities in all of our lives, that one hurts a lot...not being able to do anything for my girlfriend, who is amazing, cause im broke and dont have a car, knowing Christmas is right around the corner, of course going to feel guilty if i cant afford to get anyone anything, going to be having thanksgiving today...without Larry, first time i can even remember... These are all just things that could possibly be contributing to this funk i find myself in, but then again...probly not. its probly just this rediculous cold weather outside.
sarcasm joe. right here. i find myself faking laughs now, i never used to do that. i sleep 12 hours a day and still feel tired. i dont want to go out and do anything. i dont want to move. i just want to sit here long enough so that when i walk out of my bedroom door, everything will be ok. my mom will be happy, i'll be having band practice, writing new music, dreading work in the morning, having plans to go out with alexis that night, i'll be happy and more than content with life. but i know that isnt going to happen. and knowing that...makes me just want to sit here longer.
with the everlasting efficiancy of our nature to destroy, conquer, and corrupt, i see things as a mere matter of years from being a total meltdown...figuratively speaking of course. if you were to put the events of my life on a timeline, you would see a diminishing amount of effort put into...well...anything. im having a hard time caring about much anymore. whats even worse, is i look around and see a similar pattern in a lot of people. everyone is just content. no more striving, reaching, hoping...none of that, whats the point? where did that hunger go? that human nature to destroy and conquer, instead im destroying myself, im treading in idleness. waiting for something to come along and get me going again? maybe. hoping to just sit here un-noticed as long as possible? maybe. whatever it is, something should change soon, but i dont know if i can muster the will to really get going.
i'd like to blame the holiday's, or even the weather...but maybe its the fact that my parents just split up after 15 years and that guy i thought was going to be around and be my father-figure, the one i knew would always be there for my mom, the one supporting the family... is gone, and yea im 23...but that shit still hurts. And then hearing my mom cry at night in the other room when she thinks im sleeping, but always acting like everything is ok when i talk to her, you know...that might have something to do with it too...or having some deush bag slam into my van, totaling it, or not getting a call back from anywhere i put applications to, throw those in there also...seeing my band, the one thing i was really sure about, slipping away from laziness and other not-so priorities becoming priorities in all of our lives, that one hurts a lot...not being able to do anything for my girlfriend, who is amazing, cause im broke and dont have a car, knowing Christmas is right around the corner, of course going to feel guilty if i cant afford to get anyone anything, going to be having thanksgiving today...without Larry, first time i can even remember... These are all just things that could possibly be contributing to this funk i find myself in, but then again...probly not. its probly just this rediculous cold weather outside.
sarcasm joe. right here. i find myself faking laughs now, i never used to do that. i sleep 12 hours a day and still feel tired. i dont want to go out and do anything. i dont want to move. i just want to sit here long enough so that when i walk out of my bedroom door, everything will be ok. my mom will be happy, i'll be having band practice, writing new music, dreading work in the morning, having plans to go out with alexis that night, i'll be happy and more than content with life. but i know that isnt going to happen. and knowing that...makes me just want to sit here longer.