Static
My day to day routine is so mundane. I need a change of scenery. My activities include going to class and sleeping. It seems that I am in a constant cycle that I cannot break out of. I attend my classes, do my homework, eat occasionally, and sleep away the rest of the day. On the weekends I visit friends and hang out, but I never actually "do" anything. I am so frustrated! I need some radical change. I can't wait to go to Australia for Christmas and Spain for the summer! I am so bored with the normality of everything; Carrollton is so static.
I am also frustrated with the fact that my English vocabulary is constantly decreasing. I am having a hard time remembering words and speaking with any eloquence. I guess the only way to fix that would be to read more often, but I cannot find the time. It is actually funny because I can remember some words in Spanish, but not in English and have to ask my room-mate how to say things in English! As my Spanish vocabulary increases, my English decreases. I feel stupid. I cannot carry on an intellectual conversation without pausing to think about what word to use, or substituting the end of sentences with "etcetera." I feel as if I cannot think; as if my mind is numb. All I want to do is sleep. I have no motivation. I procrastinate everything to the last minute and then put little effort into everything. I need inspiration. Where is my muse? I am reminded of J. Alfred Prufrock: "I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each. I do not think that they will sing to me."
"Do I dare
Disturb the universe?"
Am I alive? Truly living? Or am I just going through the motions: internally dormant, waiting -- but for what!? Where does this mundane road end? And why do I continue, incessantly, onward down this path that leads nowhere? Or does it? What will the future unfold for me? I know not who I am or who I will be! I have no clear path, no direction. I travel, endlessly; but to what avail!? Where does this illusion stop and the real world begin? Is there a real world? How will I know when the hour is mine? What clock will toll? Why? Confusion overwhelms me. No, Frustration! Both. I can't take it anymore. I feel so alone.
I am also frustrated with the fact that my English vocabulary is constantly decreasing. I am having a hard time remembering words and speaking with any eloquence. I guess the only way to fix that would be to read more often, but I cannot find the time. It is actually funny because I can remember some words in Spanish, but not in English and have to ask my room-mate how to say things in English! As my Spanish vocabulary increases, my English decreases. I feel stupid. I cannot carry on an intellectual conversation without pausing to think about what word to use, or substituting the end of sentences with "etcetera." I feel as if I cannot think; as if my mind is numb. All I want to do is sleep. I have no motivation. I procrastinate everything to the last minute and then put little effort into everything. I need inspiration. Where is my muse? I am reminded of J. Alfred Prufrock: "I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each. I do not think that they will sing to me."
"Do I dare
Disturb the universe?"
Am I alive? Truly living? Or am I just going through the motions: internally dormant, waiting -- but for what!? Where does this mundane road end? And why do I continue, incessantly, onward down this path that leads nowhere? Or does it? What will the future unfold for me? I know not who I am or who I will be! I have no clear path, no direction. I travel, endlessly; but to what avail!? Where does this illusion stop and the real world begin? Is there a real world? How will I know when the hour is mine? What clock will toll? Why? Confusion overwhelms me. No, Frustration! Both. I can't take it anymore. I feel so alone.