(no subject)
I am actually feeling quite a bit better today. Last night I visited with a new friend Sarah who is going through nearly the exact same thing I am. The major differences are that she and her husband are in the middle of the actual divorce process, and (this may be denial on her part) her husband isn't so addicted to alcohol that he goes through withdrawals, but he IS addicted to pills (stuff you can get prescriptions for, like Xanax). So, he is actually taking the kids every other weekend, and one day during the week (and I'm pretty jealous about that). BUT. She was telling me the whole long story of their relationship, why they got together, when she started noticing the problems, and how bad it got before she decided to leave him. She was describing how he would drive the kids around while he was high on pills, or show up at her work with them and be totally out of it. And how he would get so angry she was afraid he was going to hurt the kids, and she wasn't entirely sure he wasn't when she was away (I don't even understand how she can leave them with him now, I'd be like, NO), and that sometimes she'd come home and he'd be passed out while the baby and the older one were basically fending for themselves. And at some point they started remodeling their kitchen, but never finished, so for like a year her kitchen just has folding tables and no counters, and there's no sink so she has to do dishes in the bathtub. So I was listening to her story, feeling like what she was describing sounded so much worse than our situation. But then I told her my whole story (the rehab, the dresser punching hand breaking incident, the cabin, the seizure, the blackouts, how he completely disappears from our lives, has no problem with being completely passed out in front of the kids. We also have our own house remodel horror, which happened in the spring: during a sober week he decided to start ripping down our back porch because it was cracking up; but before he could build the new deck he started back drinking again, and then wasn't working, so we never had the money to rebuild it; you can't go out our back door because you'd fall into a 6 foot drop filled with broken concrete rubble and rusty rebar). And she said "Your story sounds so much worse than mine! You have it so much worse!" So, I don't know if this makes me a bad person, but it made me feel kinda validated. When someone else says to me, "No, those stories are horrible, you are really making the right decision" it makes me feel better. Also, I have been talking to lots of different people who are in similar shoes, or who are going through divorces just because they're unhappy, or whatever. And it's amazing that nearly every single story I hear I think "Man, I wish MY situation was like theirs, because it would be a lot EASIER to make the decision to leave." But that other person hears my story, and thinks the same thing. Everyone thinks everyone else's situation is easier, but the truth is, we're all living our "normal." The lives we've been leading are the ways our lives have been for many years, and sometimes it's hard to untangle what is actually normal, and what you've just gotten used to. Like the frog in the boiling pot of water. My lawyer friend likes to remind me that I'm very "mind fucked."
This morning I woke up and thought "today is the day I have to tell him about the apartment." I hadn't heard from him at all in 2 days, and I'm so over talking to him on the phone, so I sent it as a facebook message. ha. Is that wrong? And then I messaged his sister to see if they'd talked in the last two days; nope. His parents haven't talked to him either. Facebook says his phone has been connected to the chat today; but again, I got to the end of today (day 3) and he hasn't attempted calling me at all. We're all assuming he's just drinking himself into oblivion, which is what I always feared would happen if I left. So, who the fuck knows what's going to happen from here on out. I feel so pissed that he is refusing to see the kids because he's too sad. But, again, if he is drinking himself into oblivion, it's helping me feel validated in this decision. I don't feel like "Oh, this is my fault, he's drinking because I left" I'm thinking "See? This is what you do. This is why I left. THIS." Of course, I don't know this for sure, this is all just an assumption.
So, I'm still slightly panicking about what is going to happen with the house if he is falling apart, and we're moving into this apartment. And I still don't have a job. But I'm feeling a strange calm about the whole situation. I think the part of me that knows this was a good idea is gaining popularity in my mind, and I'm feeling really really good about being away. It's going to be extremely difficult to care for the kids entirely on my own, but really that's not much different from the way I've been living for years.
Whew, I wrote all that last night, and never hit "post." I noticed before bed I had missed a call from him, but of course he didn't leave a message, and my fb message still goes "unread."
I just feel very grateful that I have so many friends who are willing to listen, and to drop everything and help me out. If I didn't have a friend with a guest room, we'd either be with my parents (and V would have lost her preschool seat), or we'd be in a shelter.
Tomorrow we pick up the keys to the apartment, and Tuesday we start to move in. I'm going to give myself another week or two after that to settle, and then start working for my friend Lori at her cafe until I can find a better paying job. I can do this!!! Sometimes I feel a little overconfident considering I haven't done much to find a new job in the last two weeks, and have been really really slow at my illustration work, but I do need to cut myself a ton of slack, and know that I WILL get back into the swing of life, and everything is going to be fine.
Side note: I applied for food stamps to help us through till I find that new good job, and I read on a chart that as a family of 3? We could get like $500 a month. $500 A MONTH. I've NEVER spent that much on groceries, EVER. We'll be livin' large!!! haha. And Hank still gets WIC, so I won't even have to spend it on milk or cheese or bread or whatever. Fingers crossed the FSSA office calls me this week. Anyway. I'ma gonna post now.
This morning I woke up and thought "today is the day I have to tell him about the apartment." I hadn't heard from him at all in 2 days, and I'm so over talking to him on the phone, so I sent it as a facebook message. ha. Is that wrong? And then I messaged his sister to see if they'd talked in the last two days; nope. His parents haven't talked to him either. Facebook says his phone has been connected to the chat today; but again, I got to the end of today (day 3) and he hasn't attempted calling me at all. We're all assuming he's just drinking himself into oblivion, which is what I always feared would happen if I left. So, who the fuck knows what's going to happen from here on out. I feel so pissed that he is refusing to see the kids because he's too sad. But, again, if he is drinking himself into oblivion, it's helping me feel validated in this decision. I don't feel like "Oh, this is my fault, he's drinking because I left" I'm thinking "See? This is what you do. This is why I left. THIS." Of course, I don't know this for sure, this is all just an assumption.
So, I'm still slightly panicking about what is going to happen with the house if he is falling apart, and we're moving into this apartment. And I still don't have a job. But I'm feeling a strange calm about the whole situation. I think the part of me that knows this was a good idea is gaining popularity in my mind, and I'm feeling really really good about being away. It's going to be extremely difficult to care for the kids entirely on my own, but really that's not much different from the way I've been living for years.
Whew, I wrote all that last night, and never hit "post." I noticed before bed I had missed a call from him, but of course he didn't leave a message, and my fb message still goes "unread."
I just feel very grateful that I have so many friends who are willing to listen, and to drop everything and help me out. If I didn't have a friend with a guest room, we'd either be with my parents (and V would have lost her preschool seat), or we'd be in a shelter.
Tomorrow we pick up the keys to the apartment, and Tuesday we start to move in. I'm going to give myself another week or two after that to settle, and then start working for my friend Lori at her cafe until I can find a better paying job. I can do this!!! Sometimes I feel a little overconfident considering I haven't done much to find a new job in the last two weeks, and have been really really slow at my illustration work, but I do need to cut myself a ton of slack, and know that I WILL get back into the swing of life, and everything is going to be fine.
Side note: I applied for food stamps to help us through till I find that new good job, and I read on a chart that as a family of 3? We could get like $500 a month. $500 A MONTH. I've NEVER spent that much on groceries, EVER. We'll be livin' large!!! haha. And Hank still gets WIC, so I won't even have to spend it on milk or cheese or bread or whatever. Fingers crossed the FSSA office calls me this week. Anyway. I'ma gonna post now.