Should Have Known Better
Click here for the soundtrack to this entry, the 2012 entries to Eurovision.
But that comes later. Let's start where we left off.
The Mob and I returned to Copenhagen, where we spent the majority of our time recovering from two weeks of travel, watching a Korean drama called "Coffee Prince" and in general not doing anything. It was glorious.
On Monday, of course, I had to go back to classes. Boo hiss. Mob stuck around until Wednesday, when it was time for Mob's flight back to Cardiff.
Mrrf.
It was tempting to say, "fuck work" and just give up on my essays due that weekend and pine after The Mob, or try to do convincing to change flights or flee back to Cardiff or anything. I did not want The Mob to leave. Every time we say good bye it's worse than the last time.
Mrrf.
But Mob got on a plane, and I retreated into Copenhagen to work on the massive amount of work I had due coming up. Because, of course, it was midterms time! Woo!
On that Friday, The Other One turned 21. So we decided to celebrate. Four of us went to get Thai food, and then we went out for drinks. (Oh, except I had discovered my bank account was really, really empty, so I had to borrow money from TOO for the night. This was due to having bought my flights to and from Russia, but not getting paid back by my parents yet because they didn't have the money yet.) The Thai food was really good, and it was fun to hang out with people outside of the usual context. After dinner the place we went to was really nice, there were lots of little niches and corners where you could sit and hang out. Candles everywhere, of course, because it's Denmark.
I tried a sip of TOO's drink, coffee spiked with Bailey's, and decided it was ok, considering I don't like coffee. Then I decided, you know what, I want to try something too! So I got a passion fruit mojito.
Well, what actually happened was I walked up to the bartender and was like, "I don't really know what I like in a drink, help?" and she was like, "this is my favorite drink," and I was like, "make me one."
It was delicious. I could still feel the effects of the alcohol, obviously, but I couldn't taste it, which was nice. I am still a complete light weight, so after that one drink I was feeling pleasantly bubbly, a little headache just behind my forehead. It was just enough for me, which was good, because it was kind of expensive.
After sitting and chatting for a while, TOO and one other girl decided to try a different bar, while the other two of us decided to head home. It was early, but I was tired and happy, and I'm glad I went home when I did. I crawled into bed and fell asleep almost immediately.
Good thing, too, because the next day was the last photoshoot of the Seven Sins project! I got together with two other people from DIS, and we did a great photoshoot for Wrath. I was very excited to have those photos DONE, first of all, but also I'm really pleased with the way they came out.
It was a little difficult at first, working with someone who I didn't know at all, and we were both pretty shy, but eventually we got exactly what I wanted. I'm learning to be more vocal during shoots and give more direction, although that still goes pretty contrary to my nature.
Anyway, I'll stop showing off photos like a proud mother and move on with the narrative.
That Wednesday was The Mob's 21st birthday, but of course we couldn't celebrate together because of the different countries thing (you know what's going to be awesome? When we live in the same time zone).
That night was also my final dinner for my core program, where we got (not-so-good) Danish-Turkish food and felt nostalgic. It was hard to say goodbye to everyone, but we promised to see each other again before we leave, especially once all the finals stress is done with.
I had a fantastic time with these people. We traveled to Turkey together. We shared experiences that I never even expected to have. The end of the class felt like the closing of this amazing adventure.
Is this goodbye, Turkey?
No. This wasn't an ending, exactly. It was the end of a class, sure, but the adventure had only just started.
We were all going to take what we learned from this class and go out into the world and really own it, y'know?
Besides, we'll see each other again. I have faith.
The Friday following "The End" of Migration and Conflict, Amit and I headed over to meet with Freya and listen to all the entries of Eurovision this year. Here's that playlist I linked at the beginning, if you haven't started listening yet. Iceland's entry keeps growing on me.
Anyway, it was a great party. We made soup from scratch, which was delicious, and then ate way too much candy than was probably healthy.
Amit ended up being the only one to like the beer we bought, which was fine. I had a little cider, and so did Freya, and that was enough for us.
The best thing about the night was blowing bubbles and throwing glitter at each other. I'm still finding glitter everywhere. Seriously, it does not go away.
And then! And then, and then, and then we went to Tivoli! Okay, so there was a Saturday in there where we all did homework frantically, but then we went to Tivoli, which is an amazing theme park in the middle of Copenhagen, and was one of the inspirations for Walt Disney World.
And why not? It's beautiful!
We spent the day being silly, going on as many rides as we could before the park closed, and basically feeling like a band of little kids. There were several moments when I just couldn't stop grinning. We were on a ferris wheel, and soon we'd go to a fun house, and after that we'd find another ride to go on, and then maybe we'd crawl around a playground until the light show right before the park closed.
And so yeah, I started out trying to get artsy pictures to sell at Annushka Munch Photography.
But then there were reflective ceilings.
And xylophones.
And playgrounds.
And a really cool light show.
So basically, Tivoli was wonderful, and if you're in Copenhagen and haven't been yet, go.
The next day I had classes and meetings with my group members for a project in Human Trafficking.
And, uh, my brain didn't.
We've talked about it here before. I've been open about how Anxiety works for me and how it sucks. Here's basically what happened:
I got really, really sick. Like, actually. I lost my voice, my head hurt, standing up made me dizzy, and I didn't eat much for fear it would come right back up. By Tuesday (my 21st birthday) I was sure I had a fever, and I just needed to spend time curled up in bed sleeping.
But there's more to it than just the physical illness. I mean, I was physically sick, but that was only part of the reason why I didn't go to class or work on the group project at all and basically spent Monday-Thursday curled up in my room.
Somehow, this group project (a debate in class on Tuesday) had become a giant monster, and I wasn't strong enough to fight it.
So, it started on Monday. I didn't feel well, and thinking about the group project made me feel like throwing up.
(source)
At that point, the project was a little dragon like the one above. It was a little unnerving, an unnecessary extra weight when I already didn't feel well, and I eventually said, "I can't do this" and stayed home to get that extra sleep.
(source)
By the time I woke up, the dragon had grown up, uh, a bit. Now I wasn't just Anxious about the project, I felt guilty because I had ditched two group meetings. Not just that, but I was expected to go into class that day and participate in the debate when I hadn't done any of the work.
If I didn't go to that class, I would still have to go to my other classes and risk being seen by the members of my group, who were obviously not pleased with me. I was scared. Not just "oh God, it will be so awkward," scared, but "my heart is racing and I can't seem to catch my breath even though I'm lying here on my bed not moving" scared.
So I sent a hasty email, bailing out of the debate itself.
(source)
So, as you can imagine, it only got worse from there. Now I had not just hidden from group meetings, I had skipped four classes, including a group presentation. My group members would be angry at me. My professors would be angry.
I felt weak, paralyzed. What could I do to get out of this? The only solution seemed to be to hide. It didn't help that my body was telling me to keep sleeping. I think I slept for three days straight, with brief breaks for food and socialization with Amit, who refuses to let me become a hermit despite my best efforts.
But wasn't that worse? I had told everyone I was sick (and I really did feel sick), but here I was, hanging out with friends, learning to play the ukulele and being convinced to, yes, buy myself a guitar and have it shipped home.
Around this time I got some news from home, which I have been asked not to broadcast on the internet, but let's say it was a summary of life-as-we-know-it back in Ipswich, and that was overwhelming.
So I had skipped group meetings. Let my group members down. Skipped class. Hung out with someone when I was supposed to be sick. Spent money I shouldn't have on an instrument I wouldn't even be able to touch for another two months. And back home, things were not 100% perfect.
(source)
And so, with that weighing on my shoulders, it was time to leave for Auschwitz on Thursday, May 3.
And that will be it's own entry, of course, but I feel like understanding my mental health before this trip is kind of important.
I had hit a low that I would not have dragged myself out of if there weren't a major change of routine (a trip to Poland) coming up. I honestly think I would have continued to skip classes and hide until some real repercussions hit me, had I not had a trip I was looking forward to for a long time (and had spent a lot of money on) to jerk me out of that rut and force me to face the people (I believed) I had let down.
Now, of course, turns out that people were more worried for me than angry with me. But how could I know that? I was at the bottom of this big hole, and every passing minute meant the dragon got bigger, and every time it got bigger it meant it was harder to deal with it, so I didn't do anything, which only made it worse...
So I could have ended up just hiding in my room for the rest of the semester.
Except, looking back on it, I don't think I could have gotten away with that for too long. Why?
Well...:
No matter what I do, I seem to continue to surround myself with people who, y'know, care.
It sounds cheesy, but it's kinda true. I keep accidentally making good friends, and it would suck not to have them.
But, lucky for me, I didn't even have to get so bad that I needed intervention from Amit and Freya, because I had a trip to Auschwitz to cheer me up.
...it sounds really bad when you say it like that.
But that comes later. Let's start where we left off.
The Mob and I returned to Copenhagen, where we spent the majority of our time recovering from two weeks of travel, watching a Korean drama called "Coffee Prince" and in general not doing anything. It was glorious.
On Monday, of course, I had to go back to classes. Boo hiss. Mob stuck around until Wednesday, when it was time for Mob's flight back to Cardiff.
Mrrf.
It was tempting to say, "fuck work" and just give up on my essays due that weekend and pine after The Mob, or try to do convincing to change flights or flee back to Cardiff or anything. I did not want The Mob to leave. Every time we say good bye it's worse than the last time.
Mrrf.
But Mob got on a plane, and I retreated into Copenhagen to work on the massive amount of work I had due coming up. Because, of course, it was midterms time! Woo!
On that Friday, The Other One turned 21. So we decided to celebrate. Four of us went to get Thai food, and then we went out for drinks. (Oh, except I had discovered my bank account was really, really empty, so I had to borrow money from TOO for the night. This was due to having bought my flights to and from Russia, but not getting paid back by my parents yet because they didn't have the money yet.) The Thai food was really good, and it was fun to hang out with people outside of the usual context. After dinner the place we went to was really nice, there were lots of little niches and corners where you could sit and hang out. Candles everywhere, of course, because it's Denmark.
I tried a sip of TOO's drink, coffee spiked with Bailey's, and decided it was ok, considering I don't like coffee. Then I decided, you know what, I want to try something too! So I got a passion fruit mojito.
Well, what actually happened was I walked up to the bartender and was like, "I don't really know what I like in a drink, help?" and she was like, "this is my favorite drink," and I was like, "make me one."
It was delicious. I could still feel the effects of the alcohol, obviously, but I couldn't taste it, which was nice. I am still a complete light weight, so after that one drink I was feeling pleasantly bubbly, a little headache just behind my forehead. It was just enough for me, which was good, because it was kind of expensive.
After sitting and chatting for a while, TOO and one other girl decided to try a different bar, while the other two of us decided to head home. It was early, but I was tired and happy, and I'm glad I went home when I did. I crawled into bed and fell asleep almost immediately.
Good thing, too, because the next day was the last photoshoot of the Seven Sins project! I got together with two other people from DIS, and we did a great photoshoot for Wrath. I was very excited to have those photos DONE, first of all, but also I'm really pleased with the way they came out.
It was a little difficult at first, working with someone who I didn't know at all, and we were both pretty shy, but eventually we got exactly what I wanted. I'm learning to be more vocal during shoots and give more direction, although that still goes pretty contrary to my nature.
Anyway, I'll stop showing off photos like a proud mother and move on with the narrative.
That Wednesday was The Mob's 21st birthday, but of course we couldn't celebrate together because of the different countries thing (you know what's going to be awesome? When we live in the same time zone).
That night was also my final dinner for my core program, where we got (not-so-good) Danish-Turkish food and felt nostalgic. It was hard to say goodbye to everyone, but we promised to see each other again before we leave, especially once all the finals stress is done with.
I had a fantastic time with these people. We traveled to Turkey together. We shared experiences that I never even expected to have. The end of the class felt like the closing of this amazing adventure.
Is this goodbye, Turkey?
No. This wasn't an ending, exactly. It was the end of a class, sure, but the adventure had only just started.
We were all going to take what we learned from this class and go out into the world and really own it, y'know?
Besides, we'll see each other again. I have faith.
The Friday following "The End" of Migration and Conflict, Amit and I headed over to meet with Freya and listen to all the entries of Eurovision this year. Here's that playlist I linked at the beginning, if you haven't started listening yet. Iceland's entry keeps growing on me.
Anyway, it was a great party. We made soup from scratch, which was delicious, and then ate way too much candy than was probably healthy.
Amit ended up being the only one to like the beer we bought, which was fine. I had a little cider, and so did Freya, and that was enough for us.
The best thing about the night was blowing bubbles and throwing glitter at each other. I'm still finding glitter everywhere. Seriously, it does not go away.
And then! And then, and then, and then we went to Tivoli! Okay, so there was a Saturday in there where we all did homework frantically, but then we went to Tivoli, which is an amazing theme park in the middle of Copenhagen, and was one of the inspirations for Walt Disney World.
And why not? It's beautiful!
We spent the day being silly, going on as many rides as we could before the park closed, and basically feeling like a band of little kids. There were several moments when I just couldn't stop grinning. We were on a ferris wheel, and soon we'd go to a fun house, and after that we'd find another ride to go on, and then maybe we'd crawl around a playground until the light show right before the park closed.
And so yeah, I started out trying to get artsy pictures to sell at Annushka Munch Photography.
But then there were reflective ceilings.
And xylophones.
And playgrounds.
And a really cool light show.
So basically, Tivoli was wonderful, and if you're in Copenhagen and haven't been yet, go.
The next day I had classes and meetings with my group members for a project in Human Trafficking.
And, uh, my brain didn't.
We've talked about it here before. I've been open about how Anxiety works for me and how it sucks. Here's basically what happened:
I got really, really sick. Like, actually. I lost my voice, my head hurt, standing up made me dizzy, and I didn't eat much for fear it would come right back up. By Tuesday (my 21st birthday) I was sure I had a fever, and I just needed to spend time curled up in bed sleeping.
But there's more to it than just the physical illness. I mean, I was physically sick, but that was only part of the reason why I didn't go to class or work on the group project at all and basically spent Monday-Thursday curled up in my room.
Somehow, this group project (a debate in class on Tuesday) had become a giant monster, and I wasn't strong enough to fight it.
So, it started on Monday. I didn't feel well, and thinking about the group project made me feel like throwing up.
(source)
At that point, the project was a little dragon like the one above. It was a little unnerving, an unnecessary extra weight when I already didn't feel well, and I eventually said, "I can't do this" and stayed home to get that extra sleep.
(source)
By the time I woke up, the dragon had grown up, uh, a bit. Now I wasn't just Anxious about the project, I felt guilty because I had ditched two group meetings. Not just that, but I was expected to go into class that day and participate in the debate when I hadn't done any of the work.
If I didn't go to that class, I would still have to go to my other classes and risk being seen by the members of my group, who were obviously not pleased with me. I was scared. Not just "oh God, it will be so awkward," scared, but "my heart is racing and I can't seem to catch my breath even though I'm lying here on my bed not moving" scared.
So I sent a hasty email, bailing out of the debate itself.
(source)
So, as you can imagine, it only got worse from there. Now I had not just hidden from group meetings, I had skipped four classes, including a group presentation. My group members would be angry at me. My professors would be angry.
I felt weak, paralyzed. What could I do to get out of this? The only solution seemed to be to hide. It didn't help that my body was telling me to keep sleeping. I think I slept for three days straight, with brief breaks for food and socialization with Amit, who refuses to let me become a hermit despite my best efforts.
But wasn't that worse? I had told everyone I was sick (and I really did feel sick), but here I was, hanging out with friends, learning to play the ukulele and being convinced to, yes, buy myself a guitar and have it shipped home.
Around this time I got some news from home, which I have been asked not to broadcast on the internet, but let's say it was a summary of life-as-we-know-it back in Ipswich, and that was overwhelming.
So I had skipped group meetings. Let my group members down. Skipped class. Hung out with someone when I was supposed to be sick. Spent money I shouldn't have on an instrument I wouldn't even be able to touch for another two months. And back home, things were not 100% perfect.
(source)
And so, with that weighing on my shoulders, it was time to leave for Auschwitz on Thursday, May 3.
And that will be it's own entry, of course, but I feel like understanding my mental health before this trip is kind of important.
I had hit a low that I would not have dragged myself out of if there weren't a major change of routine (a trip to Poland) coming up. I honestly think I would have continued to skip classes and hide until some real repercussions hit me, had I not had a trip I was looking forward to for a long time (and had spent a lot of money on) to jerk me out of that rut and force me to face the people (I believed) I had let down.
Now, of course, turns out that people were more worried for me than angry with me. But how could I know that? I was at the bottom of this big hole, and every passing minute meant the dragon got bigger, and every time it got bigger it meant it was harder to deal with it, so I didn't do anything, which only made it worse...
So I could have ended up just hiding in my room for the rest of the semester.
Except, looking back on it, I don't think I could have gotten away with that for too long. Why?
Well...:
No matter what I do, I seem to continue to surround myself with people who, y'know, care.
It sounds cheesy, but it's kinda true. I keep accidentally making good friends, and it would suck not to have them.
But, lucky for me, I didn't even have to get so bad that I needed intervention from Amit and Freya, because I had a trip to Auschwitz to cheer me up.
...it sounds really bad when you say it like that.