The Story of How I Wasn't Shot in Berlin
Let's start with the title of this article. It is entirely literal. What I'm trying to say is: I wasn't shot when I was in Berlin, but I came close to it. Shots were fired, is what I'm saying.
So let's tell that story, shall we?
First of all, here is me at the Jewish Museum in Berlin on Saturday, decidedly Not Dead. In case we needed proof.
Of course, there aren't any photos of me alive right now, so I suppose this post could be written by a zombie. But it's not.
And your only proof of that is that I told you. But let's move on with the assumption that I'm not actually a zombie, that makes this a lot simpler to write.
...anyway, so on Friday I got on a flight to Berlin. I spent more on my Starbucks Chai Latte (with soy!) than I spent on my dinner (yogurt!) and we got on our Norwegian Air flight slightly late, which was better than we expected of them, honestly.
Amit and I arrived in Berlin late at night, directions to our hostel clasped firmly in my hand. Step one was to get on a train. To do that, we walked approximately the distance of forever to the nearest stop, and fought with a machine for about five times as long.
Conclusion: The stereotype that German machines are well made and efficient is false.
We finally got our tickets and got on a regional train into the city, where we very nearly but did not get in trouble for forgetting to validate our tickets. From that train station we got on another train to take us toward our hostel. This many-transfers type journey would characterize our next two days in the city, which is why I came to another conclusion.
Conclusion: The stereotype that Germans are efficient is false.
But I did get the chance to appreciate this graffiti...!
Anyway, we finally get out of the station, and I look down at my directions.
"It says turn right," I say.
Amit looks right. It is very dark that way.
"Are you sure?"
We look left. It is also very dark that way.
"That's what the hostel website said."
So we started walking.
There was a park on our right. It was very dark.
"Maybe this isn't the right way."
"Let's go up to those lights and cross, then head back."
"Sounds like a plan."
We came to a set of lights that wasn't working, so we walked one more block, toward a safe place to cross. We were about three seconds from the light when there was a loud bang. I had no idea where it came from, and immediately stepped backwards, trying to disappear into the park behind me. There were some shadowy figures across the street, and a lot of smoke.
"Was that...?"
"Do you want to walk back the way we came?"
"Quickly."
We turned and started walking as fast as we could without running or drawing attention to ourselves. There was a second earth-shattering bang. I screamed.
"It's alright. It's alright. They're just firecrackers. Really loud firecrackers," Amit told me. He may or may not have noticed that I wasn't breathing normally.
"I shouldn't have gotten those directions. You're better at directions. If you had gotten the directions we wouldn't have turned the wrong way out of the train station. I'm sorry."
There was another bang, farther away but still too close.
"I'm sorry. I got the wrong directions. I should have looked at a map. From now on you're in charge of all directions ever. I'll never get directions again. I'm so sorry."
"They're firecrackers. They're just really loud firecrackers. Firecrackers."
"Firecrackers."
"Firecrackers."
"Okay?"
"Okay."
We found a brighter lit area of town and eventually found our hostel, but I don't think I stopped shaking until I went to bed.
Conclusion: Some Germans really will shoot at you. Uhhh...
Which is why we were actually pretty surprised at how nice the hostel was. We were in a four person room, it was nice and un-sketchy, everyone we talked to was nice, etc. I did cut my hand on a mystery the first night (taking my meds, no blood; brushing my teeth, my right palm is bleeding like spontaneous stigmata) but overall it was a positive hostel experience.
There were even paintings of flowers in the neighborhood around the hostel!
On Saturday we ate breakfast in the hostel, then headed out to see the Jewish Museum...
...where I fangirled over a building that I've only read about before. This is somewhere I've wanted to go for a long time, and it hit me all of a sudden that I was there. I was at the Jewish Museum.
Is it disrespectful to do your happy dance in the middle of a museum about Jews in Europe that is obviously a giant memorial to the victims of the Holocaust?
Whatever. It was a dream come true to see that museum in person. I could have spent all day there. (Conclusion: The Germans will spend lots of time and money telling you how horrible they are as a people and apologizing for the Holocaust as much as they possibly can and then some.)
...but I didn't, because Amit and I were going to get lunch and head to vegan sex shop "Other Nature"
I don't know if you know this about me, but I don't actually have a lot of experience with sex shops. Other Nature was like nothing I'd ever seen before. It was small, comfortable, even cozy and inviting. There was free tea. There were places to sit and browse sex-positive literature. There were fliers for everything from BDSM events to Queer Performance Art to academic lectures. Some things were even in English.
After hanging out in Other Nature for a bit, we headed down the street to the Gay Museum. It was a very nice, very small museum, a stark contrast to the Jewish Museum. The major problem we had was that everything in the museum was in German, so we couldn't read about what we were seeing, but it was still interesting. They had a lot of gay things on display.
Conclusion: Berlin is just as gay as we expected.
After The Gay Museum we took so many trains to get to the Tiergarten, where we wanted to A) find ice cream, B) find a famous statue, and C) sit down because our feet hurt.
Fortunately some helpful German citizen decided to graffiti over the map!
We did eventually find the statue and sit down, though we hadn't found ice cream yet.
After a nice long sit (in the sun for me, in the shade for Amit, who found the warm spring day a little too warm) we got back on trains to go to the hostel and look up places to go that night. We weren't even sure what we were really looking for, other than gay things.
On the way to the hostel we found ice cream. It was amazing.
After some quick googling, we decided to go to this network of courtyards and stuff that's supposed to be fun to walk around in, and after that we'd go to "the gay district" to see if we could find a nice, small place to get a single drink and hang out before we returned to the hostel well before midnight.
The walky area that we went to was nice, though the restaurants were expensive, so we ended up getting falafal and sitting on a bench in a courtyard while we ate. It was actually fantastic.
After some more looking around, we ambled back to the train to go to the place the internet told us was very gay.
Apparently it was what a lot of other gay districts are like: islands of gay bars and "internet cafes" with lesbians on their posters, interspersed among residential streets and normal stores. We saw a lot of places advertising good places to go cruising - "Video Rental and Cruising!" was the favorite for most random - but didn't really find a pub/bar that was somewhere we could just hang out. Plus, I'm pretty sure a lot of places were men only, and I was not going to pass as trans with my floral skirt and pink shirt and black flats, which I could wear because the weather was glorious out.
After a while, defeated, we returned to the hostel without even one cocktail.
Modified Conclusion: Berlin is almost as gay as we thought.
We did find stores like this, though. So... mild success?
Anyway, on Sunday morning we had to get up early because we had an appointment at the Reichtag! We had filled out an online form, then gotten an email from them to fill out another form, filled that out, and finally got a letter that we had to print out and bring with us (Mx. Amit, plus one) (I was the plus one). We had to arrive fifteen minutes early to go through security.
We arrived about three minutes early because of trains. Security was quick, though. The only thing they had a problem with was one of the buttons on my bag.
The button that reads, "the power of peace."
"Thees will have to come off," the security guard told me, pointing to it.
"All of them?"
"No, just thees one," he said.
I took off the peace button and put it in a pocket of my bag.
Conclusion: Peace is not allowed in Berlin. ...uhm.
We finally were able to go up to the roof, where there was a gorgeous view of the city. We just started to walk around the dome that is on top of the building... when my camera died.
So this is the last picture I got in Berlin. *sigh*
Amit had his camera, though it was also low on battery, so we soldiered bravely on, listening to our free audio tours and stopping to admire the view like classic tourists. It was beautiful and sunny and warm and I was wearing more layers than I needed to and all I had on was a sweater-dress.
After the Reichtag we headed over to an area one of Amit's friends had suggested, where we were told to get cupcakes. Before we got cupcakes, though, we got lunch.
And it was amazing.
Amit finally got his mixed drink, too!
And then we went on to the cupcake place, where we actually each had a slice of cheesecake, and I might have swooned a little bit from the delicious. It has been so long since I've had cheesecake, let alone good cheesecake. Since I cook for myself in Copenhagen, it has been ages since I've even really had desert.* It was fantastic.
From the cupcake place (where I got a button for free because they didn't feel like making change for my fifty euro note!) we walked to the last remaining kilometer of the Berlin Wall. This was another thing that was on my "I have to do this before I die" list, and it didn't disappoint. Amit and I walked the whole length of it, reading every piece of graffiti and admiring the artwork that adorns the eastern side now. It was an entire kilometer of messages of peace and love and reconciliation and art.
I didn't cry. Thought about it, though.
At that point, we got on more trains, and returned to where we started the day so that we could see the Brandenburg Gate, the Holocaust Memorial, and the Gay Memorial, which are all near the Reichtag and Tiergarten.
The gate was very pretty, very touristy.
The Holocaust memorial, if you don't know, looks like this:
.jpg)
Source.
It is a series of cement slabs of varying heights, set on uneven ground.
"...I bet if we start on the low ones, we can jump up to the taller ones eventually," I said.
"Do you want to?"
"Is it bad that I kind of do?"
"No," he said.
And so we did.
We started small, stepping from platform to platform, working our way up and up and up. Each jump was just a little too long to be a step, but too short to be dangerous. I was scared of falling and laughing and jumping across these little gaps right behind Amit, choosing our path as we went.
...until we were shouted at by a security guard to get down.
Conclusion: Berlin is anti-fun.
But really, after that we walked around the memorial for a bit and then sat and talked about whether it was bad for us to play on the memorial. Is it supposed to be a place of reverence? Where we solemnly remember the dead? Had we somehow besmirched this place by playing on the sculpture like children?
And it reminded me of that part in The Fault in Our Stars but Amit hadn't read it and most of you haven't read it and I don't want to spoil it so I'm not going to say anything except that when you get to that part and look back at this anecdote you will see why I did a flaily thing.
Anyway, after that we went to the gay memorial, which is another big concrete slab with a video set in one side. The video is a montage of same-sex (presenting) couples kissing, holding hands, etc. We stood by the memorial and watched for a few minutes before a large group of Germans came up behind us. I could see Amit freeze out of the corner of my eye. I planted my feet shoulder-width apart and watched their reflections in the glass.
"Homo, homo," said one of the Germans. In fairness, he probably said more than that, but we didn't understand him because he was speaking German.
"Homo," another said, and they all laughed.
Neither of us Americans moved until they left.
Conclusion: ...
Anyway, after that it was time to head back to the hostel, get our things, and catch a flight to Copenhagen, so we left the memorial with a lot on our minds.
I wish I had taken more pictures.
Conclusion: Berlin defied stereotypes in some ways, and in other ways just reaffirmed them in my mind. The trip, "the trip of a lifetime" as I kept calling it, was worth every Euro Cent I paid for it. I got to see so many things that were on my list of "see before you die" and really, who could ask for anything more?
Not getting shot at would have been nice, though.
* Lies, I eat my weight in pastries on a daily basis.
So let's tell that story, shall we?
First of all, here is me at the Jewish Museum in Berlin on Saturday, decidedly Not Dead. In case we needed proof.
Of course, there aren't any photos of me alive right now, so I suppose this post could be written by a zombie. But it's not.
And your only proof of that is that I told you. But let's move on with the assumption that I'm not actually a zombie, that makes this a lot simpler to write.
...anyway, so on Friday I got on a flight to Berlin. I spent more on my Starbucks Chai Latte (with soy!) than I spent on my dinner (yogurt!) and we got on our Norwegian Air flight slightly late, which was better than we expected of them, honestly.
Amit and I arrived in Berlin late at night, directions to our hostel clasped firmly in my hand. Step one was to get on a train. To do that, we walked approximately the distance of forever to the nearest stop, and fought with a machine for about five times as long.
Conclusion: The stereotype that German machines are well made and efficient is false.
We finally got our tickets and got on a regional train into the city, where we very nearly but did not get in trouble for forgetting to validate our tickets. From that train station we got on another train to take us toward our hostel. This many-transfers type journey would characterize our next two days in the city, which is why I came to another conclusion.
Conclusion: The stereotype that Germans are efficient is false.
But I did get the chance to appreciate this graffiti...!
Anyway, we finally get out of the station, and I look down at my directions.
"It says turn right," I say.
Amit looks right. It is very dark that way.
"Are you sure?"
We look left. It is also very dark that way.
"That's what the hostel website said."
So we started walking.
There was a park on our right. It was very dark.
"Maybe this isn't the right way."
"Let's go up to those lights and cross, then head back."
"Sounds like a plan."
We came to a set of lights that wasn't working, so we walked one more block, toward a safe place to cross. We were about three seconds from the light when there was a loud bang. I had no idea where it came from, and immediately stepped backwards, trying to disappear into the park behind me. There were some shadowy figures across the street, and a lot of smoke.
"Was that...?"
"Do you want to walk back the way we came?"
"Quickly."
We turned and started walking as fast as we could without running or drawing attention to ourselves. There was a second earth-shattering bang. I screamed.
"It's alright. It's alright. They're just firecrackers. Really loud firecrackers," Amit told me. He may or may not have noticed that I wasn't breathing normally.
"I shouldn't have gotten those directions. You're better at directions. If you had gotten the directions we wouldn't have turned the wrong way out of the train station. I'm sorry."
There was another bang, farther away but still too close.
"I'm sorry. I got the wrong directions. I should have looked at a map. From now on you're in charge of all directions ever. I'll never get directions again. I'm so sorry."
"They're firecrackers. They're just really loud firecrackers. Firecrackers."
"Firecrackers."
"Firecrackers."
"Okay?"
"Okay."
We found a brighter lit area of town and eventually found our hostel, but I don't think I stopped shaking until I went to bed.
Conclusion: Some Germans really will shoot at you. Uhhh...
Which is why we were actually pretty surprised at how nice the hostel was. We were in a four person room, it was nice and un-sketchy, everyone we talked to was nice, etc. I did cut my hand on a mystery the first night (taking my meds, no blood; brushing my teeth, my right palm is bleeding like spontaneous stigmata) but overall it was a positive hostel experience.
There were even paintings of flowers in the neighborhood around the hostel!
On Saturday we ate breakfast in the hostel, then headed out to see the Jewish Museum...
...where I fangirled over a building that I've only read about before. This is somewhere I've wanted to go for a long time, and it hit me all of a sudden that I was there. I was at the Jewish Museum.
Is it disrespectful to do your happy dance in the middle of a museum about Jews in Europe that is obviously a giant memorial to the victims of the Holocaust?
Whatever. It was a dream come true to see that museum in person. I could have spent all day there. (Conclusion: The Germans will spend lots of time and money telling you how horrible they are as a people and apologizing for the Holocaust as much as they possibly can and then some.)
...but I didn't, because Amit and I were going to get lunch and head to vegan sex shop "Other Nature"
I don't know if you know this about me, but I don't actually have a lot of experience with sex shops. Other Nature was like nothing I'd ever seen before. It was small, comfortable, even cozy and inviting. There was free tea. There were places to sit and browse sex-positive literature. There were fliers for everything from BDSM events to Queer Performance Art to academic lectures. Some things were even in English.
After hanging out in Other Nature for a bit, we headed down the street to the Gay Museum. It was a very nice, very small museum, a stark contrast to the Jewish Museum. The major problem we had was that everything in the museum was in German, so we couldn't read about what we were seeing, but it was still interesting. They had a lot of gay things on display.
Conclusion: Berlin is just as gay as we expected.
After The Gay Museum we took so many trains to get to the Tiergarten, where we wanted to A) find ice cream, B) find a famous statue, and C) sit down because our feet hurt.
Fortunately some helpful German citizen decided to graffiti over the map!
We did eventually find the statue and sit down, though we hadn't found ice cream yet.
After a nice long sit (in the sun for me, in the shade for Amit, who found the warm spring day a little too warm) we got back on trains to go to the hostel and look up places to go that night. We weren't even sure what we were really looking for, other than gay things.
On the way to the hostel we found ice cream. It was amazing.
After some quick googling, we decided to go to this network of courtyards and stuff that's supposed to be fun to walk around in, and after that we'd go to "the gay district" to see if we could find a nice, small place to get a single drink and hang out before we returned to the hostel well before midnight.
The walky area that we went to was nice, though the restaurants were expensive, so we ended up getting falafal and sitting on a bench in a courtyard while we ate. It was actually fantastic.
After some more looking around, we ambled back to the train to go to the place the internet told us was very gay.
Apparently it was what a lot of other gay districts are like: islands of gay bars and "internet cafes" with lesbians on their posters, interspersed among residential streets and normal stores. We saw a lot of places advertising good places to go cruising - "Video Rental and Cruising!" was the favorite for most random - but didn't really find a pub/bar that was somewhere we could just hang out. Plus, I'm pretty sure a lot of places were men only, and I was not going to pass as trans with my floral skirt and pink shirt and black flats, which I could wear because the weather was glorious out.
After a while, defeated, we returned to the hostel without even one cocktail.
Modified Conclusion: Berlin is almost as gay as we thought.
We did find stores like this, though. So... mild success?
Anyway, on Sunday morning we had to get up early because we had an appointment at the Reichtag! We had filled out an online form, then gotten an email from them to fill out another form, filled that out, and finally got a letter that we had to print out and bring with us (Mx. Amit, plus one) (I was the plus one). We had to arrive fifteen minutes early to go through security.
We arrived about three minutes early because of trains. Security was quick, though. The only thing they had a problem with was one of the buttons on my bag.
The button that reads, "the power of peace."
"Thees will have to come off," the security guard told me, pointing to it.
"All of them?"
"No, just thees one," he said.
I took off the peace button and put it in a pocket of my bag.
Conclusion: Peace is not allowed in Berlin. ...uhm.
We finally were able to go up to the roof, where there was a gorgeous view of the city. We just started to walk around the dome that is on top of the building... when my camera died.
So this is the last picture I got in Berlin. *sigh*
Amit had his camera, though it was also low on battery, so we soldiered bravely on, listening to our free audio tours and stopping to admire the view like classic tourists. It was beautiful and sunny and warm and I was wearing more layers than I needed to and all I had on was a sweater-dress.
After the Reichtag we headed over to an area one of Amit's friends had suggested, where we were told to get cupcakes. Before we got cupcakes, though, we got lunch.
And it was amazing.
Amit finally got his mixed drink, too!
And then we went on to the cupcake place, where we actually each had a slice of cheesecake, and I might have swooned a little bit from the delicious. It has been so long since I've had cheesecake, let alone good cheesecake. Since I cook for myself in Copenhagen, it has been ages since I've even really had desert.* It was fantastic.
From the cupcake place (where I got a button for free because they didn't feel like making change for my fifty euro note!) we walked to the last remaining kilometer of the Berlin Wall. This was another thing that was on my "I have to do this before I die" list, and it didn't disappoint. Amit and I walked the whole length of it, reading every piece of graffiti and admiring the artwork that adorns the eastern side now. It was an entire kilometer of messages of peace and love and reconciliation and art.
I didn't cry. Thought about it, though.
At that point, we got on more trains, and returned to where we started the day so that we could see the Brandenburg Gate, the Holocaust Memorial, and the Gay Memorial, which are all near the Reichtag and Tiergarten.
The gate was very pretty, very touristy.
The Holocaust memorial, if you don't know, looks like this:
Source.
It is a series of cement slabs of varying heights, set on uneven ground.
"...I bet if we start on the low ones, we can jump up to the taller ones eventually," I said.
"Do you want to?"
"Is it bad that I kind of do?"
"No," he said.
And so we did.
We started small, stepping from platform to platform, working our way up and up and up. Each jump was just a little too long to be a step, but too short to be dangerous. I was scared of falling and laughing and jumping across these little gaps right behind Amit, choosing our path as we went.
...until we were shouted at by a security guard to get down.
Conclusion: Berlin is anti-fun.
But really, after that we walked around the memorial for a bit and then sat and talked about whether it was bad for us to play on the memorial. Is it supposed to be a place of reverence? Where we solemnly remember the dead? Had we somehow besmirched this place by playing on the sculpture like children?
And it reminded me of that part in The Fault in Our Stars but Amit hadn't read it and most of you haven't read it and I don't want to spoil it so I'm not going to say anything except that when you get to that part and look back at this anecdote you will see why I did a flaily thing.
Anyway, after that we went to the gay memorial, which is another big concrete slab with a video set in one side. The video is a montage of same-sex (presenting) couples kissing, holding hands, etc. We stood by the memorial and watched for a few minutes before a large group of Germans came up behind us. I could see Amit freeze out of the corner of my eye. I planted my feet shoulder-width apart and watched their reflections in the glass.
"Homo, homo," said one of the Germans. In fairness, he probably said more than that, but we didn't understand him because he was speaking German.
"Homo," another said, and they all laughed.
Neither of us Americans moved until they left.
Conclusion: ...
Anyway, after that it was time to head back to the hostel, get our things, and catch a flight to Copenhagen, so we left the memorial with a lot on our minds.
I wish I had taken more pictures.
Conclusion: Berlin defied stereotypes in some ways, and in other ways just reaffirmed them in my mind. The trip, "the trip of a lifetime" as I kept calling it, was worth every Euro Cent I paid for it. I got to see so many things that were on my list of "see before you die" and really, who could ask for anything more?
Not getting shot at would have been nice, though.
* Lies, I eat my weight in pastries on a daily basis.