Running Commentary: New Indiana Jones Movie
I'm watching the new Indiana Jones movie. There is much badass shoe tying. How badass. Now there's a hat. Is it a badass hat? No, it's INDIANA JONES!
She has cool hair. The Russians have awesome hair. Oops, sorry, Ukrainians. Ukrainians know things. Ukrainians with cool hair are telepathic.
If the black powder goes to the magnet across the room, won't any bullets fired too?
They just nuked Indiana. But don't worry, he was in a fridge. WTF is with this movie? There's suspension of disbelief and there's crazy people.
She has a sword. Way more distinctive than the hair. Also, Indy's not a commie but he did survive a nuclear blast. And he's suspicious.
It's transformers kid! Shia LeBuff or whatever. He's tough.
AAAAAAAAND plot exposition.
Food fight! And 50s music, ooo!
The FBI is not going to like this. But Dr. Jones is a cool professor. Even if he says liberry not library. Me? I say librie.
Ooh, a plane! It's the funny line bouncy thing. And a motorcycle.
He speaks a thousand languages. Seriously, Indy, is there anything you're bad at? (People skills? Nope, he's got those.)
Gosh, he's stupid. (Not Indy)
Hey, undead ninjas. Or a ninja with a mask. And strange voices. Native South American Tribes? With silly voices? And ninjas?
He's a wicked cool teacher. (Indy)
Oop, dude's dead. And spidery (ew)
Scorpions sting with their tales, not their mouths, right? Ick. Bugs. So spooky. Like the deep dark caves they're in.
Uh-oh, not!Indy's being left behind. Nevermind. It's cool in there.
Okay, that was cool. "He's been wrapped up for 500 years, air doesn't agree with him."
Giant crystal skull! It's magnetic too. They win! Of course not. Look, Ukrainians. And the bad guy that turned on Indy. We don't like him. Maybe he'll turn out to be nice, or sort-of-nice. He says he's only bad for the money. Badass.
TORTURE!
The skull looks like an alien. And Indy's weird looking. Like >.- then O_o while she talks to him. "We will change you Dr. Jones. We will turn you into us." Anti-Communist message. Propaganda! Return of the Body Snatchers.
And then he goes smack! And has a seizure.
Uh oh! Mommy!
Pause for a phone call from Lauren and my dad's dad who thinks we're a pharmacy.
AAAAAAAAAAAND we're back.
Snakes, why'd it have to be- did they say his son? He has a son? Damn it, Indy!
Aw, he loves her. But his son doesn't. So there!
He has awesome aim. And I found his flaw. Commitment. And maybe sanity.
But seriously, guy is crazy until he finds out character is his kid then tells them to be good has been done before. See Carousel.
Uh-oh, she's drawing her sword.
Up, the guy's saying he's a double agent. He's CIA? But he's a commie. But he's not. What? Can we trust him?
It's a sword fight! On two trucks! It's like pirates, except not. But they're in the jungle so there.
And then she gets hit in the face with a tree. And then he gets hit in the groin with a tree. And then we hit a tree. TREES!
And guns.
And there are monkeys now. Since when? Since now!
Don't fall off the cliff, Indy! Indy's a bad driver. Throw the crazy guy out! Throw the crazy guy out! Actually don't, I really like him. He's been hypnotized by the bad guys, though.
MONKEYS!
"Woah."
She drove over them without killing anyone.
Ew, giant ant hill. That is so gross. Big damn ants. Scary scary. The ants are chasing them. Run from the ants! You're all gonna die! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
Uh-oh, Daddy's in trouble!
"Mom, there's a cliff!"
And crazy guy's gonna die. But he has the skill They won't eat the skull.
Ew, they're eating him alive. Run funny hair lady, run!
And don't fall in the sea of evil ants! Or the cliff, that could be bad.
And they crawl into his mouth and eat him alive and drag him into the hole and it's wicked creepy. Run away! Run away!
Okay, he's got the skull, he's got the family, I think he's even got the crazy guy. Yep.
And they fly off the cliff into a tree and get into the water and fling Nazi's into the water off the cliff. Except crazy hair lady.
Uh-oh, crazy guy knows what he's talking about. Have we got everyone? Yep. Oh, here we go again. Ah! Have we got everyone? Yep. Oh, here we go again. Ah! Have we got everyone? One two three four five. Yep!
Who cares? It's brought us nothing but trouble! And Indy's crazy. He's been hypnotized. Don't listen to him! But maybe do! I don't know!
Hey, convenient torches! Because flashlights weren't working or anything.
History lesson.
Dun Dun Dun. Evil face! Scary eye! More eyes? Bad guys? Yes, bad guys! The ninjas! Tribal ninja attack, not a good sign.
Quick, hold up the skull, then they won't stab you. Yay!
The Nazis are following.
Sand. So much sand. How did they get so much sand into one little building. Well, not so little any more. The sand is in the tower. And when it goes out the tower goes up and then it goes shoom and then we all fall down. Uh-oh,bad noise. Move, run! You're all going to die! "I don't like this!"
Stagnant water. Don't drink.
Aw, like father like son.
Iiiiiinto the temple we go! Flickering torch somehow didn't go ooooout! Mood lighting!
I don't trust "CIA" guy. I think he's evil! I'm overusing exclamation points! Yay!
If you take the cover off the skull it becomes magnetic but not before even though that's not how it normally works.
Greedy guy is being greedy. Indy family is being obsessed with skulls. Crazy guy is being Gollum.
OPEN THE DOOR WITH THE SKULL!
More passageways. More... skulls? Crystal?
THE THIRTEEN! I GET IT! The ones in the circle! Now they put the skull on the last body. Except CIA guy is evil. Duh.
Now she's following them. And she's evil. And they are hive mind. Apparently. How does she know?
No crazy guy, don't do it!
It's alive! They're aliens! Wicked awesome aliens. With magnet heads.
Speaking Mayan is cool. "I've got a bad feeling about this."
The eyes. The temple is falling apart. Feet. The temple is still falling apart. Indy, why aren't you running yet?
Greedy guy's running. Good job, stupid man. Stop to steal the gold before you save your stupid life.
It's not a temple, it's a TARDIS.
And now crazy guy is not crazy. He's normal. Wee!
And now they're changing dimensions. Fun, fun, fun.
The Nazis are stupid.
Their thoughts go into her eyes. She can see now, apparently.
It looks like ET. Freaky ET. Make the Nazi insane. Ooo, burn her up, that's even better.
Woah it's a cool ET.
Very dusty. Sounds like the Harry Potter Music.
"Like a broom to their footprints."
Cheesy! "Knowledge was their treasure!"
And now they're getting married. But WHY?
"How much of human life is lost in waiting."
And now they make out. And the son says ew. And the hat. He's putting on his father's hat. Or someday he will. So they can have more movies without Harrison Ford, I get it.
THE END!
She has cool hair. The Russians have awesome hair. Oops, sorry, Ukrainians. Ukrainians know things. Ukrainians with cool hair are telepathic.
If the black powder goes to the magnet across the room, won't any bullets fired too?
They just nuked Indiana. But don't worry, he was in a fridge. WTF is with this movie? There's suspension of disbelief and there's crazy people.
She has a sword. Way more distinctive than the hair. Also, Indy's not a commie but he did survive a nuclear blast. And he's suspicious.
It's transformers kid! Shia LeBuff or whatever. He's tough.
AAAAAAAAND plot exposition.
Food fight! And 50s music, ooo!
The FBI is not going to like this. But Dr. Jones is a cool professor. Even if he says liberry not library. Me? I say librie.
Ooh, a plane! It's the funny line bouncy thing. And a motorcycle.
He speaks a thousand languages. Seriously, Indy, is there anything you're bad at? (People skills? Nope, he's got those.)
Gosh, he's stupid. (Not Indy)
Hey, undead ninjas. Or a ninja with a mask. And strange voices. Native South American Tribes? With silly voices? And ninjas?
He's a wicked cool teacher. (Indy)
Oop, dude's dead. And spidery (ew)
Scorpions sting with their tales, not their mouths, right? Ick. Bugs. So spooky. Like the deep dark caves they're in.
Uh-oh, not!Indy's being left behind. Nevermind. It's cool in there.
Okay, that was cool. "He's been wrapped up for 500 years, air doesn't agree with him."
Giant crystal skull! It's magnetic too. They win! Of course not. Look, Ukrainians. And the bad guy that turned on Indy. We don't like him. Maybe he'll turn out to be nice, or sort-of-nice. He says he's only bad for the money. Badass.
TORTURE!
The skull looks like an alien. And Indy's weird looking. Like >.- then O_o while she talks to him. "We will change you Dr. Jones. We will turn you into us." Anti-Communist message. Propaganda! Return of the Body Snatchers.
And then he goes smack! And has a seizure.
Uh oh! Mommy!
Pause for a phone call from Lauren and my dad's dad who thinks we're a pharmacy.
AAAAAAAAAAAND we're back.
Snakes, why'd it have to be- did they say his son? He has a son? Damn it, Indy!
Aw, he loves her. But his son doesn't. So there!
He has awesome aim. And I found his flaw. Commitment. And maybe sanity.
But seriously, guy is crazy until he finds out character is his kid then tells them to be good has been done before. See Carousel.
Uh-oh, she's drawing her sword.
Up, the guy's saying he's a double agent. He's CIA? But he's a commie. But he's not. What? Can we trust him?
It's a sword fight! On two trucks! It's like pirates, except not. But they're in the jungle so there.
And then she gets hit in the face with a tree. And then he gets hit in the groin with a tree. And then we hit a tree. TREES!
And guns.
And there are monkeys now. Since when? Since now!
Don't fall off the cliff, Indy! Indy's a bad driver. Throw the crazy guy out! Throw the crazy guy out! Actually don't, I really like him. He's been hypnotized by the bad guys, though.
MONKEYS!
"Woah."
She drove over them without killing anyone.
Ew, giant ant hill. That is so gross. Big damn ants. Scary scary. The ants are chasing them. Run from the ants! You're all gonna die! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
Uh-oh, Daddy's in trouble!
"Mom, there's a cliff!"
And crazy guy's gonna die. But he has the skill They won't eat the skull.
Ew, they're eating him alive. Run funny hair lady, run!
And don't fall in the sea of evil ants! Or the cliff, that could be bad.
And they crawl into his mouth and eat him alive and drag him into the hole and it's wicked creepy. Run away! Run away!
Okay, he's got the skull, he's got the family, I think he's even got the crazy guy. Yep.
And they fly off the cliff into a tree and get into the water and fling Nazi's into the water off the cliff. Except crazy hair lady.
Uh-oh, crazy guy knows what he's talking about. Have we got everyone? Yep. Oh, here we go again. Ah! Have we got everyone? Yep. Oh, here we go again. Ah! Have we got everyone? One two three four five. Yep!
Who cares? It's brought us nothing but trouble! And Indy's crazy. He's been hypnotized. Don't listen to him! But maybe do! I don't know!
Hey, convenient torches! Because flashlights weren't working or anything.
History lesson.
Dun Dun Dun. Evil face! Scary eye! More eyes? Bad guys? Yes, bad guys! The ninjas! Tribal ninja attack, not a good sign.
Quick, hold up the skull, then they won't stab you. Yay!
The Nazis are following.
Sand. So much sand. How did they get so much sand into one little building. Well, not so little any more. The sand is in the tower. And when it goes out the tower goes up and then it goes shoom and then we all fall down. Uh-oh,bad noise. Move, run! You're all going to die! "I don't like this!"
Stagnant water. Don't drink.
Aw, like father like son.
Iiiiiinto the temple we go! Flickering torch somehow didn't go ooooout! Mood lighting!
I don't trust "CIA" guy. I think he's evil! I'm overusing exclamation points! Yay!
If you take the cover off the skull it becomes magnetic but not before even though that's not how it normally works.
Greedy guy is being greedy. Indy family is being obsessed with skulls. Crazy guy is being Gollum.
OPEN THE DOOR WITH THE SKULL!
More passageways. More... skulls? Crystal?
THE THIRTEEN! I GET IT! The ones in the circle! Now they put the skull on the last body. Except CIA guy is evil. Duh.
Now she's following them. And she's evil. And they are hive mind. Apparently. How does she know?
No crazy guy, don't do it!
It's alive! They're aliens! Wicked awesome aliens. With magnet heads.
Speaking Mayan is cool. "I've got a bad feeling about this."
The eyes. The temple is falling apart. Feet. The temple is still falling apart. Indy, why aren't you running yet?
Greedy guy's running. Good job, stupid man. Stop to steal the gold before you save your stupid life.
It's not a temple, it's a TARDIS.
And now crazy guy is not crazy. He's normal. Wee!
And now they're changing dimensions. Fun, fun, fun.
The Nazis are stupid.
Their thoughts go into her eyes. She can see now, apparently.
It looks like ET. Freaky ET. Make the Nazi insane. Ooo, burn her up, that's even better.
Woah it's a cool ET.
Very dusty. Sounds like the Harry Potter Music.
"Like a broom to their footprints."
Cheesy! "Knowledge was their treasure!"
And now they're getting married. But WHY?
"How much of human life is lost in waiting."
And now they make out. And the son says ew. And the hat. He's putting on his father's hat. Or someday he will. So they can have more movies without Harrison Ford, I get it.
THE END!