Thoughts of the past

[ackatie08]

Moving on is so much harder to do when the past still seems to be right in front of you. A lot of things have changed within this past year, I have a new circle of friends, I've lost contact with a few old friends, some I couldn't be happier to get away from and some I'm sad to see them somehow get left behind. It seems as life changes so does the people who surround us for some reason, with only a few people staying constant. It's hard to tell if we changed and they stayed the same or if they have changed and we've stayed the same. Or maybe it's time that has changed us all, like we have outgrown each other or something. I was looking back at my scrapbook today and I realized how different my life is compared to just a year or two ago. College seems to have changed my life dramatically. It's changed who I hang out with, the relationships I have with my few close friends and even who I am a little bit. Maybe I'm just coming into myself a little more, and realizing a lot about myself as well as about other people and how relationships work. The two people I think I miss the most from my past are Rachel and Bryson. Rachel has been my best friend for a long time, way before I even knew she was my best friend she was always there for me. We went to different colleges this year, we stayed in touch during the school year, but now that she is home I hardly hear from her. I've tried to stay in contact but it hasn't worked...it's sad too because her and I have been through a lot together, from having our hearts broken by our 1st loves around the same time, to dealing with the battle of the bulge together, and all the stupid high school drama. She's always been there and I'm sad that for some strange reason we can't seem to keep in contact. The other person I miss in my ex. It's just hard to let three years go....we've tried to be friends but it doesn't work. My heart still feels like we belong together but things have changed so much, and the past can't be reversed. I'm sad to have lost touch with him because he still has a piece of my heart, and I know I will never get that piece back but I didn't just lose a boyfriend, I lost a boyfriend, a best friend, and probably the one person in the world who knows me better than I do at times. But the thing is life can't be lived in the past, you can try to make it work (believe me I have) but things change, people change, lives move on....although it's sad to watch life move forward and leave things and people in the past, it's also exciting to see who is next for you to fall in love with, and who is next that you will become best friends with, and to watch a whole new world of opportunity unfold in front of you. Although a lot has changed this past year I haven't really allowed myself to embrace the exciting new future yet. Hopefully after this summer I will somehow figure out how to emcompass my past as a part of me and step into the future without the hesitation of guilt that I'm ready to leave some things in my past.
I'm ready to make new friends, meet new boys, be appreciated, get what I deserve, and enjoy life for all that it is worth....so that someday when I die I can at least say that I lived.