i wish i posted more, but this is what i've got:
So, I was thinking...
the past few weeks I've been... pretty much depressed... I mean, since my Chevy got wrecked in march I've been having a really rough time, mostly because it took two months of dealing with the insurance company to get my money, and i received only a little emotional support from people around me. anyways, ya know how most people, if offered the chance to go back in time to change a major point in their life probably would? well, that though frightens me. It's the same as death, in my opinion, because where i am at now is a direct result of every major situation (or choice, or problem, etc) and changing one would throw my life off course. here's a list of my life's major roadblocks I'd nominate (yet severely hesitate to go through with) for altering to put me on the right track to a better future. basically this list shows what a fuck-up I've been for the past couple decades, and i want to know which detail you'd change to make my life not derail(and note that these are just the tip of the iceberg in my life's screw-ups. I'd be writing forever if I included all of them):
Age 7: Grades 1 and 2- already showing signs of disinterest in school. The slight homework or anything the teachers would assign i had trouble keeping up with and doing, mostly out of young apathy. These were the first clear signs of my monumental disinterest in school (I coulda been a straight-A student my whole life, but even though I knew all the material for tests and such, I usually settled for C's and D's because I hated doing the work.)
Age 10: Hmmm I had a huge paragraph written for this one, but I deleted it because, well, the point I wanna make is by now I was home alone occasionally, and I had the internet, and I went places I shouldn't have gone. I gain a total disrespect for romance as soon as I learn that I can pleasure myself (way too much).
Age 12: Yeesh, I don't talk much about the time when I got kicked out of catholic school in 7th grade for writing a hit list. I wasn't actually violent, and it was more of a "these people are freakin' jerks" list, because I got picked on a lot in school growing up.
Age 13: Apparently all that internet usage taught me something: I know how to do girls! I lost my virginity to a girl i can barely remember the face of because she was 14 the last time I saw her, and we did it in a hidden field by the school off some railroad tracks. We both caught poison ivy all over our backs, arms, asses, legs, but not our necessities at least.
Age 14: Thus begins high school and with it, the oft-rumored tales of my promiscuity. Before what woulda been halfway through my junior year when I drop out of high school (thats a later item entirely) I've probably been with 10-12 girls, and was a notorious cheater/heart breaker. These days I do regret that, but at the same time who gives a shit, it was high school experimentation.
Age 16: Pick one: when I was 16 I:
A: started smoking pot,
B: started dating Riise,
and C: dropped out of school because i was too far behind.
Age 17: Started living with my mom, consequently wrecked my car with no insurance, but since I was a minor I only got a 7 month suspended license, and plenty of time to stare at my fucked up Cadillac and all day I'd just be hanging out at the cafe, being a shitty broke boyfriend to Riise, and wasting tons of my time playing video games, stealing comics, and smoking weed with Chris. Hey, I shoulda been in high school, but at least I was LIVING MY LIFE.
Age 18: Being a dad is hard, maybe I wasn't cut out to be in a relationship with Riise forever. I don't know why it happened, but Riise and I could not work out of problems, even after relationship counseling and stuff. We break up and I can't see my baby for over two more years.
Age 19: Start dating Cole, start working my ass off harder at Rizzi's being a manager...then I suddenly quit my job and Cole dumps me and it sets off a string of insecurity problems in my head. I briefly become suicidal, begin hating women for the rest of my life, the loneliness sends me into being an artist, and I begin working on an anti-relationship non-genre-definable album that I still never recorded much of but have completely fleshed out on paper and in concept.
Age 20: ♥ = $, and Rx does too. I get a lot, and lose a lot. Thanks to a bad social circle someone gets me into more than I can handle, friction begins between my girlfriend over problems normal couples shouldn't have, and to cap it off I loan my car to a guy who ends up wrecking it, screwing me over (it was a pretty sweet car).
-and here we are at present day-ish
if you were me, what detail would you go back and make right?
I don't think I could.
I don't fear my own mortality nearly as much as the ability to alter my past.
Okay, maybe I wouldn't have wrecked my cars as much, and I might not have had a couple one night stands, but other than that, I think I've basically accepted my fate, and my shitty apathy-fueled luck.
I needa be more careful.
the past few weeks I've been... pretty much depressed... I mean, since my Chevy got wrecked in march I've been having a really rough time, mostly because it took two months of dealing with the insurance company to get my money, and i received only a little emotional support from people around me. anyways, ya know how most people, if offered the chance to go back in time to change a major point in their life probably would? well, that though frightens me. It's the same as death, in my opinion, because where i am at now is a direct result of every major situation (or choice, or problem, etc) and changing one would throw my life off course. here's a list of my life's major roadblocks I'd nominate (yet severely hesitate to go through with) for altering to put me on the right track to a better future. basically this list shows what a fuck-up I've been for the past couple decades, and i want to know which detail you'd change to make my life not derail(and note that these are just the tip of the iceberg in my life's screw-ups. I'd be writing forever if I included all of them):
Age 7: Grades 1 and 2- already showing signs of disinterest in school. The slight homework or anything the teachers would assign i had trouble keeping up with and doing, mostly out of young apathy. These were the first clear signs of my monumental disinterest in school (I coulda been a straight-A student my whole life, but even though I knew all the material for tests and such, I usually settled for C's and D's because I hated doing the work.)
Age 10: Hmmm I had a huge paragraph written for this one, but I deleted it because, well, the point I wanna make is by now I was home alone occasionally, and I had the internet, and I went places I shouldn't have gone. I gain a total disrespect for romance as soon as I learn that I can pleasure myself (way too much).
Age 12: Yeesh, I don't talk much about the time when I got kicked out of catholic school in 7th grade for writing a hit list. I wasn't actually violent, and it was more of a "these people are freakin' jerks" list, because I got picked on a lot in school growing up.
Age 13: Apparently all that internet usage taught me something: I know how to do girls! I lost my virginity to a girl i can barely remember the face of because she was 14 the last time I saw her, and we did it in a hidden field by the school off some railroad tracks. We both caught poison ivy all over our backs, arms, asses, legs, but not our necessities at least.
Age 14: Thus begins high school and with it, the oft-rumored tales of my promiscuity. Before what woulda been halfway through my junior year when I drop out of high school (thats a later item entirely) I've probably been with 10-12 girls, and was a notorious cheater/heart breaker. These days I do regret that, but at the same time who gives a shit, it was high school experimentation.
Age 16: Pick one: when I was 16 I:
A: started smoking pot,
B: started dating Riise,
and C: dropped out of school because i was too far behind.
Age 17: Started living with my mom, consequently wrecked my car with no insurance, but since I was a minor I only got a 7 month suspended license, and plenty of time to stare at my fucked up Cadillac and all day I'd just be hanging out at the cafe, being a shitty broke boyfriend to Riise, and wasting tons of my time playing video games, stealing comics, and smoking weed with Chris. Hey, I shoulda been in high school, but at least I was LIVING MY LIFE.
Age 18: Being a dad is hard, maybe I wasn't cut out to be in a relationship with Riise forever. I don't know why it happened, but Riise and I could not work out of problems, even after relationship counseling and stuff. We break up and I can't see my baby for over two more years.
Age 19: Start dating Cole, start working my ass off harder at Rizzi's being a manager...then I suddenly quit my job and Cole dumps me and it sets off a string of insecurity problems in my head. I briefly become suicidal, begin hating women for the rest of my life, the loneliness sends me into being an artist, and I begin working on an anti-relationship non-genre-definable album that I still never recorded much of but have completely fleshed out on paper and in concept.
Age 20: ♥ = $, and Rx does too. I get a lot, and lose a lot. Thanks to a bad social circle someone gets me into more than I can handle, friction begins between my girlfriend over problems normal couples shouldn't have, and to cap it off I loan my car to a guy who ends up wrecking it, screwing me over (it was a pretty sweet car).
-and here we are at present day-ish
if you were me, what detail would you go back and make right?
I don't think I could.
I don't fear my own mortality nearly as much as the ability to alter my past.
Okay, maybe I wouldn't have wrecked my cars as much, and I might not have had a couple one night stands, but other than that, I think I've basically accepted my fate, and my shitty apathy-fueled luck.
I needa be more careful.