Ros+Guil Part 4
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Sleep With The Fishes:
INT. JFK INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT ARRIVALS LOUNGE- AFTERNOON
Ros and Guil emerge from the crowd of travelers. They look
around for someone holding a sign and spot HORATIO, carrying
a hastily scribbled card bearing their names. Rosencrantz
waves excitedly and runs forward, as Guildenstern walks
behind at a more reserved pace. Rosencrantz hugs Horatio
warmly. Horatio looks surprised and a bit uncomfortable.
ROSENCRANTZ
(puppylike)
Hi!
HORATIO
(awkwardly)
Hello.
Guildenstern approaches. Him and Horatio stare at each other
for a long moment.
GUILDENSTERN
Horatio.
HORATIO
Guildenstern.
Horatio pulls Guil into a firm (and manly) embrace. They let
go and Horatio pats Guildenstern on the back-in a manly way,
of course. They start walking towards the exit- like men.
HORATIO
It’s been a while.
GUILDENSTERN
Relatively speaking, of course.
HORATIO
Of course.
(beat)
He’ll be happy to see you.
GUILDENSTERN
Will he?
HORATIO
I hope so. He hasn’t been well.
ROSENCRANTZ
We heard. An illness of the mind?
HORATIO
An illness beginning in heart, but
spreading to mind.
GUILDENSTERN
A cancerous madness?
HORATIO
Those less tactful would call it
madness. The doctors call it
"mental instability".
ROSENCRANTZ
I’m sorry.
GUILDENSTERN
No, I’M sorry. You’re Rosencrantz.
ROSENCRANTZ
Ah. Quite right.
HORATIO
His heart was sick-
GUILDENSTERN
Metaphorically?
HORATIO
Of course. His heart was sick-
GUILDENSTERN
From his father’s death.
HORATIO
Aye, and his mothers’ marriage to
Claudius.
ROSENCRANTZ
Well, there’s his grounds for madn-
Guildenstern kicks him in the shin.
ROSENCRANTZ
-mental instability.
HORATIO
Ah, but he was fine until he
started seeing things...
GUILDENSTERN
(curious)
What kinds of things?
HORATIO
I promised him I wouldn’t say. But
trust me, he’s had many a
hallucination.
ROSENCRANTZ
He’s been driven mentally unstable
by grief.
They head out of the revolving doors.
CUT TO:
EXT. JFK- MORNING
Horatio flags down a taxi. Rosencrantz is still going around
in the revolving door.
HORATIO
We’re all quite worried.
He leans in to Guil.
HORATIO
(whispered)
Between you and I, I was with him
when he had the first
hallucination.
GUILDENSTERN
And...?
HORATIO
He thinks he was speaking to a
spectre.
GUILDENSTERN
A ghost?
Horatio nods.
GUILDENSTERN
And was he?
HORATIO
I saw... only darkness where he
looked. Well, okay, there was a
vaguely shaped... shape... thingy.
GUILDENSTERN
So there could have been.
Horatio manages to finally get a cab, and him and
Guildenstern start loading their bags into the trunk.
HORATIO
I’m sorry I mentioned it. Let’s
talk about something else.
Guildenstern walks back, grabs Rosencrantz by the arm, and
drags him to the cab. The three men get inside.
CUT TO:
INT. CAB- MORNING
HORATIO
76 Riverside drive, please.
They sit in silence in the back seat as the cab pulls away
from the curb. Rosencrantz looks uncomfortable squeezed
between Horatio and Guildenstern, and turns to Horatio to
break the silence.
ROSENCRANTZ
So how’s Yorrick?
HORATIO
(baleful)
Dead.
Guildenstern leans over, surprised.
GUILDENSTERN
No way. Seriously?
HORATIO
Serious as a heart attack.
ROSENCRANTZ
(sad)
Yorrick was always such a clown. He
was never serious.
HORATIO
His heart attack was.
(beat)
You really didn’t hear?
GUILDENSTERN
We’ve been gone for six months. The
only news we’ve heard is that of
Claudius and Gertrude’s marriage.
ROSENCRANTZ
What else has happened?
HORATIO
Well, Leartes joined the army.
GUILDENSTERN
(sarcastic)
There’s a surprise.
ROSENCRANTZ
I’m not surprised at all!
GUILDENSTERN
That was sarcasm, Ros.
ROSENCRANTZ
I knew that.
GUILDENSTERN
You’re lying.
ROSENCRANTZ
That’s the truth.
HORATIO
Oh, and Hamlet’s begun pursuing
Ophelia.
GUILDENSTERN
Is he crazy?!
ROSENCRANTZ
(correcting)
"Mentally unstable".
GUILDENSTERN
(ignoring Ros)
He knows Polonius hates him!
Horatio shrugs.
HORATIO
Hamlet never was able to take a
hint.
ROSENCRANTZ
Well, what does Ophelia think?
HORATIO
She’s drifting on cloud nine so
long as he’s aknowledging her
presence.
ROSENCRANTZ
How’s she taking his affliction?
HORATIO
Not well. She’s always been...
GUILDENSTERN
...high strung?
HORATIO
That’s one word for it.
ROSENCRANTZ
Two, actually.
Horatio sighs.
HORATIO
The whole household is miserable.
It’s like living in a mortuary.
ROSENCRANTZ
(confused)
Everyone’s dead?
GUILDENSTERN
No, Ros, it’s a metaphor.
ROSENCRANTZ
Oh.
(beat)
So Ophelia’s a zombie?
Horatio laughs and pats Rosencrantz on the back.
HORATIO
I’ve missed you guys.
GUILDENSTERN
We’ve missed New York.
Rosencrantz sits up straight suddenly.
ROSENCRANTZ
Hey! Whatever happened to that
secretary, anyway?
HORATIO
We finally found her a week ago.
The witness protection program has
really been stepping up their stuff
recently.
GUILDENSTERN
So what’s going on with that?
HORATIO
We gave her a couple thousand
dollars and advised her to move to
Europe.
Guil nods approvingly.
GUILDENSTERN
Smooth.
The cab pulls up outside of a large, fancy apartment
building.
CABBIE
We’re here.
INT. JFK INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT ARRIVALS LOUNGE- AFTERNOON
Ros and Guil emerge from the crowd of travelers. They look
around for someone holding a sign and spot HORATIO, carrying
a hastily scribbled card bearing their names. Rosencrantz
waves excitedly and runs forward, as Guildenstern walks
behind at a more reserved pace. Rosencrantz hugs Horatio
warmly. Horatio looks surprised and a bit uncomfortable.
ROSENCRANTZ
(puppylike)
Hi!
HORATIO
(awkwardly)
Hello.
Guildenstern approaches. Him and Horatio stare at each other
for a long moment.
GUILDENSTERN
Horatio.
HORATIO
Guildenstern.
Horatio pulls Guil into a firm (and manly) embrace. They let
go and Horatio pats Guildenstern on the back-in a manly way,
of course. They start walking towards the exit- like men.
HORATIO
It’s been a while.
GUILDENSTERN
Relatively speaking, of course.
HORATIO
Of course.
(beat)
He’ll be happy to see you.
GUILDENSTERN
Will he?
HORATIO
I hope so. He hasn’t been well.
ROSENCRANTZ
We heard. An illness of the mind?
HORATIO
An illness beginning in heart, but
spreading to mind.
GUILDENSTERN
A cancerous madness?
HORATIO
Those less tactful would call it
madness. The doctors call it
"mental instability".
ROSENCRANTZ
I’m sorry.
GUILDENSTERN
No, I’M sorry. You’re Rosencrantz.
ROSENCRANTZ
Ah. Quite right.
HORATIO
His heart was sick-
GUILDENSTERN
Metaphorically?
HORATIO
Of course. His heart was sick-
GUILDENSTERN
From his father’s death.
HORATIO
Aye, and his mothers’ marriage to
Claudius.
ROSENCRANTZ
Well, there’s his grounds for madn-
Guildenstern kicks him in the shin.
ROSENCRANTZ
-mental instability.
HORATIO
Ah, but he was fine until he
started seeing things...
GUILDENSTERN
(curious)
What kinds of things?
HORATIO
I promised him I wouldn’t say. But
trust me, he’s had many a
hallucination.
ROSENCRANTZ
He’s been driven mentally unstable
by grief.
They head out of the revolving doors.
CUT TO:
EXT. JFK- MORNING
Horatio flags down a taxi. Rosencrantz is still going around
in the revolving door.
HORATIO
We’re all quite worried.
He leans in to Guil.
HORATIO
(whispered)
Between you and I, I was with him
when he had the first
hallucination.
GUILDENSTERN
And...?
HORATIO
He thinks he was speaking to a
spectre.
GUILDENSTERN
A ghost?
Horatio nods.
GUILDENSTERN
And was he?
HORATIO
I saw... only darkness where he
looked. Well, okay, there was a
vaguely shaped... shape... thingy.
GUILDENSTERN
So there could have been.
Horatio manages to finally get a cab, and him and
Guildenstern start loading their bags into the trunk.
HORATIO
I’m sorry I mentioned it. Let’s
talk about something else.
Guildenstern walks back, grabs Rosencrantz by the arm, and
drags him to the cab. The three men get inside.
CUT TO:
INT. CAB- MORNING
HORATIO
76 Riverside drive, please.
They sit in silence in the back seat as the cab pulls away
from the curb. Rosencrantz looks uncomfortable squeezed
between Horatio and Guildenstern, and turns to Horatio to
break the silence.
ROSENCRANTZ
So how’s Yorrick?
HORATIO
(baleful)
Dead.
Guildenstern leans over, surprised.
GUILDENSTERN
No way. Seriously?
HORATIO
Serious as a heart attack.
ROSENCRANTZ
(sad)
Yorrick was always such a clown. He
was never serious.
HORATIO
His heart attack was.
(beat)
You really didn’t hear?
GUILDENSTERN
We’ve been gone for six months. The
only news we’ve heard is that of
Claudius and Gertrude’s marriage.
ROSENCRANTZ
What else has happened?
HORATIO
Well, Leartes joined the army.
GUILDENSTERN
(sarcastic)
There’s a surprise.
ROSENCRANTZ
I’m not surprised at all!
GUILDENSTERN
That was sarcasm, Ros.
ROSENCRANTZ
I knew that.
GUILDENSTERN
You’re lying.
ROSENCRANTZ
That’s the truth.
HORATIO
Oh, and Hamlet’s begun pursuing
Ophelia.
GUILDENSTERN
Is he crazy?!
ROSENCRANTZ
(correcting)
"Mentally unstable".
GUILDENSTERN
(ignoring Ros)
He knows Polonius hates him!
Horatio shrugs.
HORATIO
Hamlet never was able to take a
hint.
ROSENCRANTZ
Well, what does Ophelia think?
HORATIO
She’s drifting on cloud nine so
long as he’s aknowledging her
presence.
ROSENCRANTZ
How’s she taking his affliction?
HORATIO
Not well. She’s always been...
GUILDENSTERN
...high strung?
HORATIO
That’s one word for it.
ROSENCRANTZ
Two, actually.
Horatio sighs.
HORATIO
The whole household is miserable.
It’s like living in a mortuary.
ROSENCRANTZ
(confused)
Everyone’s dead?
GUILDENSTERN
No, Ros, it’s a metaphor.
ROSENCRANTZ
Oh.
(beat)
So Ophelia’s a zombie?
Horatio laughs and pats Rosencrantz on the back.
HORATIO
I’ve missed you guys.
GUILDENSTERN
We’ve missed New York.
Rosencrantz sits up straight suddenly.
ROSENCRANTZ
Hey! Whatever happened to that
secretary, anyway?
HORATIO
We finally found her a week ago.
The witness protection program has
really been stepping up their stuff
recently.
GUILDENSTERN
So what’s going on with that?
HORATIO
We gave her a couple thousand
dollars and advised her to move to
Europe.
Guil nods approvingly.
GUILDENSTERN
Smooth.
The cab pulls up outside of a large, fancy apartment
building.
CABBIE
We’re here.