Ros + Guil Part One
Here's the first little chunk of my Hamlet/Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead mashup thingy. It's basically RaGaD with more Hamlet, set in modern times. It sounds... lame as hell, by my description, but the people I've showed it too liked it, so... Please enjoy :) I'll be posting it here until I've finished it, which I'll hopefully do!
INT. ELEVATOR-AFTERNOON
Two young men stand side by side in the elevator of an
office building. One of the men , GUILDENSTERN, is short,
apathetic, and still. The other, ROSENCRANTZ, is taller,
smiling blankly, and fidgeting. They are both wearing black
suits. Guildenstern is wearing sunglasses.
They stand in silence as elevator music plays softly in the
background. Guildendstern grows irritated by Rosencrantz’s
squirming.
GUILDENSTERN
For the love of God, stop
fidgeting!
Rosencrantz blinks. Then pouts.
ROSENCRANTZ
Sorry.
Guildenstern sighs.
GUILDENSTERN
Put on your sunglasses. You know
the rules.
ROSENCRANTZ
But they’re dirty!
GUILDENSTERN
(exasperated)
Oh, for-
Guildenstern reaches into Rosencrantz’s pocket and pulls out
the offending shades, rubbing them on his shirt violently.
He hands them back to his partner.
GUILDENSTERN
Here, now they’re clean. Put ’em
on.
ROSENCRANTZ
Fine, fine.
Rosencrantz puts on the sunglasses just as the elevator
doors open.
INT. RECEPTION AREA- AFTERNOON
Behind Ros and Guil, watching their backs as they step out
of the elevator.
The two men walk up to the secretary’s desk. The SECRETARY
is a pretty young thing: blond, tall, clad in a tight
sweater. Guildenstern smiles at her and she stares back,
looking bored.
SECRETARY
Good afternoon, how may I help you?
GUILDENSTERN
(turning on the charm)
Yeah, thanks. We’re here to see Mr.
Leach.
SECRETARY
Do you have an appointment?
GUILDENSTERN
(faltering)
Ah- no. But it’s very important.
SECRETARY
(unconvinced)
Uh huh. Well, I’m afraid you’ll
have to make an appointment and
come back later. Mr. Leach is very
busy-
Suddenly a middle aged man, MR. LEACH, pokes his head around
the door.
MR. LEACH
Who’s there, Sarah?
SECRETARY
A couple of men to see you, sir.
ROSENCRANTZ
Tell him we’re from the funeral
party.
SECRETARY
They say they’re from the funeral
party.
MR. LEACH
(getting nervous)
Ah- oh. The funeral party? Well,
then, I suppose, um... send them
in, please...
The secretary nods at Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
SECRETARY
Go on in.
GUILDENSTERN
Thanks.
The two men go into Mr. Leach’s office.
INT. MR. LEACH’S OFFICE- AFTERNOON
Leach’s office is plush, the office of a wealthy man. There
are many framed photos of Leach with celebrities and
politicians. A photo of Leach with a much younger supermodel
(his trophy wife) is visible on the desk. Leach sits behind
it, his hands folded and his face nervous.
MR. LEACH
Ah... hello.
GUILDENSTERN
Good afternoon, Mr. Leach.
ROSENCRANTZ
You look well.
GUILDENSTERN
Nice office.
MR. LEACH
Um... thank you.
ROSENCRANTZ
You’re welcome.
MR. LEACH
Look, what’s this all about?
GUILDENSTERN
We were a little offended that you
weren’t at Don King’s funeral.
MR. LEACH
Oh. I-I sent a message. I had a
meeting on Saturday-
ROSENCRANTZ
Now, that’s funny.
GUILDENSTERN
Our people have you at the golf
course all day.
MR. LEACH
I-I don’t know what you’re talking
about!
GUILDENSTERN
You know, you’re quite rude.
ROSENCRANTZ
Very rude indeed.
GUILDENSTERN
After all the Don did for you.
ROSENCRANTZ
After everything he did for you!
Guildenstern spins around to glare at Rosencrantz.
GUILDENSTERN
(angry)
For God’s sake, don’t you ever say
anything original?!
Rosencrantz shrinks back, visibly hurt.
ROSENCRANTZ
(upset)
Sorry.
Guildenstern sees that Rosencrantz is upset and gently pats
him on the shoulder.
GUILDENSTERN
No, it’s my fault. Sorry I yelled.
ROSENCRANTZ
(sniffs)
It’s okay.
MR. LEACH
(confused)
Who the Hell ARE you guys?!
ROSENCRANTZ
I’m Guildenstern-
GUILDENSTERN
I’M Guildenstern.
ROSENCRANTZ
-and I’m Rosencrantz.
GUILDENSTERN
That’s who we are.
ROSENCRANTZ
(whisper)
Are you sure?
GUILDENSTERN
Yes, I’m sure.
Mr Leach looks hysterical.
MR. LEACH
Look, guys, I’m really sorry I
missed the funeral. I was busy! I
swear, it won’t happen again!
Rosencrantz turns to Guildenstern, who raises and eyebrow at
Leach.
GUILDENSTERN
I don’t think Don King will be
dying again anytime soon.
ROSENCRANTZ
Sorry, Mr. Leach. Wrong answer.
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern pull two silenced Walther PPKs
out of their jackets and shoot Mr. Leach. He slumps over his
desk, strewing papers messily. Suddenly, there is a loud
shriek. Ros and Guil spin around, quickly pocketing their
guns. The Secretary is standing in the doorway.
SECRETARY
Oh my God!
Ros and Guil push past her. She grabs onto Guil’s jacket,
but he rips it out of her hands. They run to the fire escape
and make their way to the street as the secretary panics
above them. They dive into their car, a shiny black
Volkswagen, and speed away.
CUT TO:
INT. GETAWAY CAR- AFTERNOON
Rosencrantz drives while Guildenstern twists in his seat,
watching the building fade into the distance. He collapses
back into his seat and passes a hand over his face.
GUILDENSTERN
Damn.
ROSENCRANTZ
(hopeful)
I don’t think she got our liscence.
GUILDENSTERN
Nah, but she saw us. Probably
overheard our names, too. Dammit!
ROSENCRANTZ
It’s okay. We’ll be fine. We just
have to get rid of the car, maybe
lay low for a while. That’s all.
GUILDENSTERN
(dejected)
I loved this car.
ROSENCRANTZ
You can’t even drive!
GUILDENSTERN
Shut up.
ROSENCRANTZ
Okay.
Guildenstern pulls a cell phone from his pocket and calls
someone. Rosencrantz looks over and Guil motions for him to
keep his eyes on the road.
GUILDENSTERN
Hello? Oh, hello, sir. There’s been
a little problem... Yeah. Someone
saw us drop the eggs. Yes. The
secretary. No, we dropped them all
right. Totally smashed. Uh huh. Uh
huh. Should we take a vacation?
Yes, I thought it’d be a good idea.
Okay. Okay, you just call us when
you need us back. Okay. Tell Hamlet
where we’ve gone, okay? Thanks.
Hey, sorry again for your loss. Of
course. Bye.
Guildenstern puts the phone away.
ROSENCRANTZ
What’d he say?
GUILDENSTERN
He told us to lay low until he
called us back.
ROSENCRANTZ
Oh.
(beat)
I don’t like the new Don.
GUILDENSTERN
What, Claudius?
ROSENCRANTZ
Yeah.
GUILDENSTERN
Why not?
ROSENCRANTZ
I don’t know. Just a feeling.
GUILDENSTERN
(offhand)
I hope Hamlet will be alright
without us...
ROSENCRANTZ
We should be there for him. His
father just died.
GUILDENSTERN
Dammit! I hate this!
ROSENCRANTZ
But it’s the only job we’re any
good at.
GUILDENSTERN
How would you know? It’s the only
job you’ve ever had.
ROSENCRANTZ
I- I don’t know, I suppose.
GUILDENSTERN
Exactly.
They sit in silence, driving.
GUILDENSTERN
There must have been a moment at
the beginning, where we could have
said no.
FADE TO BLACK:
GUILDENSTERN (V.O.)
Somehow we missed it. Well, we’ll
know better next time.
TBC...
INT. ELEVATOR-AFTERNOON
Two young men stand side by side in the elevator of an
office building. One of the men , GUILDENSTERN, is short,
apathetic, and still. The other, ROSENCRANTZ, is taller,
smiling blankly, and fidgeting. They are both wearing black
suits. Guildenstern is wearing sunglasses.
They stand in silence as elevator music plays softly in the
background. Guildendstern grows irritated by Rosencrantz’s
squirming.
GUILDENSTERN
For the love of God, stop
fidgeting!
Rosencrantz blinks. Then pouts.
ROSENCRANTZ
Sorry.
Guildenstern sighs.
GUILDENSTERN
Put on your sunglasses. You know
the rules.
ROSENCRANTZ
But they’re dirty!
GUILDENSTERN
(exasperated)
Oh, for-
Guildenstern reaches into Rosencrantz’s pocket and pulls out
the offending shades, rubbing them on his shirt violently.
He hands them back to his partner.
GUILDENSTERN
Here, now they’re clean. Put ’em
on.
ROSENCRANTZ
Fine, fine.
Rosencrantz puts on the sunglasses just as the elevator
doors open.
INT. RECEPTION AREA- AFTERNOON
Behind Ros and Guil, watching their backs as they step out
of the elevator.
The two men walk up to the secretary’s desk. The SECRETARY
is a pretty young thing: blond, tall, clad in a tight
sweater. Guildenstern smiles at her and she stares back,
looking bored.
SECRETARY
Good afternoon, how may I help you?
GUILDENSTERN
(turning on the charm)
Yeah, thanks. We’re here to see Mr.
Leach.
SECRETARY
Do you have an appointment?
GUILDENSTERN
(faltering)
Ah- no. But it’s very important.
SECRETARY
(unconvinced)
Uh huh. Well, I’m afraid you’ll
have to make an appointment and
come back later. Mr. Leach is very
busy-
Suddenly a middle aged man, MR. LEACH, pokes his head around
the door.
MR. LEACH
Who’s there, Sarah?
SECRETARY
A couple of men to see you, sir.
ROSENCRANTZ
Tell him we’re from the funeral
party.
SECRETARY
They say they’re from the funeral
party.
MR. LEACH
(getting nervous)
Ah- oh. The funeral party? Well,
then, I suppose, um... send them
in, please...
The secretary nods at Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
SECRETARY
Go on in.
GUILDENSTERN
Thanks.
The two men go into Mr. Leach’s office.
INT. MR. LEACH’S OFFICE- AFTERNOON
Leach’s office is plush, the office of a wealthy man. There
are many framed photos of Leach with celebrities and
politicians. A photo of Leach with a much younger supermodel
(his trophy wife) is visible on the desk. Leach sits behind
it, his hands folded and his face nervous.
MR. LEACH
Ah... hello.
GUILDENSTERN
Good afternoon, Mr. Leach.
ROSENCRANTZ
You look well.
GUILDENSTERN
Nice office.
MR. LEACH
Um... thank you.
ROSENCRANTZ
You’re welcome.
MR. LEACH
Look, what’s this all about?
GUILDENSTERN
We were a little offended that you
weren’t at Don King’s funeral.
MR. LEACH
Oh. I-I sent a message. I had a
meeting on Saturday-
ROSENCRANTZ
Now, that’s funny.
GUILDENSTERN
Our people have you at the golf
course all day.
MR. LEACH
I-I don’t know what you’re talking
about!
GUILDENSTERN
You know, you’re quite rude.
ROSENCRANTZ
Very rude indeed.
GUILDENSTERN
After all the Don did for you.
ROSENCRANTZ
After everything he did for you!
Guildenstern spins around to glare at Rosencrantz.
GUILDENSTERN
(angry)
For God’s sake, don’t you ever say
anything original?!
Rosencrantz shrinks back, visibly hurt.
ROSENCRANTZ
(upset)
Sorry.
Guildenstern sees that Rosencrantz is upset and gently pats
him on the shoulder.
GUILDENSTERN
No, it’s my fault. Sorry I yelled.
ROSENCRANTZ
(sniffs)
It’s okay.
MR. LEACH
(confused)
Who the Hell ARE you guys?!
ROSENCRANTZ
I’m Guildenstern-
GUILDENSTERN
I’M Guildenstern.
ROSENCRANTZ
-and I’m Rosencrantz.
GUILDENSTERN
That’s who we are.
ROSENCRANTZ
(whisper)
Are you sure?
GUILDENSTERN
Yes, I’m sure.
Mr Leach looks hysterical.
MR. LEACH
Look, guys, I’m really sorry I
missed the funeral. I was busy! I
swear, it won’t happen again!
Rosencrantz turns to Guildenstern, who raises and eyebrow at
Leach.
GUILDENSTERN
I don’t think Don King will be
dying again anytime soon.
ROSENCRANTZ
Sorry, Mr. Leach. Wrong answer.
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern pull two silenced Walther PPKs
out of their jackets and shoot Mr. Leach. He slumps over his
desk, strewing papers messily. Suddenly, there is a loud
shriek. Ros and Guil spin around, quickly pocketing their
guns. The Secretary is standing in the doorway.
SECRETARY
Oh my God!
Ros and Guil push past her. She grabs onto Guil’s jacket,
but he rips it out of her hands. They run to the fire escape
and make their way to the street as the secretary panics
above them. They dive into their car, a shiny black
Volkswagen, and speed away.
CUT TO:
INT. GETAWAY CAR- AFTERNOON
Rosencrantz drives while Guildenstern twists in his seat,
watching the building fade into the distance. He collapses
back into his seat and passes a hand over his face.
GUILDENSTERN
Damn.
ROSENCRANTZ
(hopeful)
I don’t think she got our liscence.
GUILDENSTERN
Nah, but she saw us. Probably
overheard our names, too. Dammit!
ROSENCRANTZ
It’s okay. We’ll be fine. We just
have to get rid of the car, maybe
lay low for a while. That’s all.
GUILDENSTERN
(dejected)
I loved this car.
ROSENCRANTZ
You can’t even drive!
GUILDENSTERN
Shut up.
ROSENCRANTZ
Okay.
Guildenstern pulls a cell phone from his pocket and calls
someone. Rosencrantz looks over and Guil motions for him to
keep his eyes on the road.
GUILDENSTERN
Hello? Oh, hello, sir. There’s been
a little problem... Yeah. Someone
saw us drop the eggs. Yes. The
secretary. No, we dropped them all
right. Totally smashed. Uh huh. Uh
huh. Should we take a vacation?
Yes, I thought it’d be a good idea.
Okay. Okay, you just call us when
you need us back. Okay. Tell Hamlet
where we’ve gone, okay? Thanks.
Hey, sorry again for your loss. Of
course. Bye.
Guildenstern puts the phone away.
ROSENCRANTZ
What’d he say?
GUILDENSTERN
He told us to lay low until he
called us back.
ROSENCRANTZ
Oh.
(beat)
I don’t like the new Don.
GUILDENSTERN
What, Claudius?
ROSENCRANTZ
Yeah.
GUILDENSTERN
Why not?
ROSENCRANTZ
I don’t know. Just a feeling.
GUILDENSTERN
(offhand)
I hope Hamlet will be alright
without us...
ROSENCRANTZ
We should be there for him. His
father just died.
GUILDENSTERN
Dammit! I hate this!
ROSENCRANTZ
But it’s the only job we’re any
good at.
GUILDENSTERN
How would you know? It’s the only
job you’ve ever had.
ROSENCRANTZ
I- I don’t know, I suppose.
GUILDENSTERN
Exactly.
They sit in silence, driving.
GUILDENSTERN
There must have been a moment at
the beginning, where we could have
said no.
FADE TO BLACK:
GUILDENSTERN (V.O.)
Somehow we missed it. Well, we’ll
know better next time.
TBC...