Oh Boy, I'm Gonna Rant Again
I feel really awful today. Really, really terrible. This has been one of my worst days in a long time.
You know what? All in all, this year hasn't been that bad. Yeah, I've had my conflicts, but it's been pretty decent so far. I've been doing reasonably well in school, my friends have been great, yadda yadda. But OH MY GOD. This week has been a nightmare, and it's only Wednesday.
First of all, I'm suddenly doing really badly in math. Like, I may be failing. I've been doing well this year, mostly in the 80s, which is great for me. Everything was going so well, and now suddenly I'm in the danger zone. I think I can get my grades back up, but I've pretty much blown my chances for doing better than an 80 average for the last quarter. Which I'm fine with, I just want to pass, but I'm still really upset. Not to mention my parents.
Oh man, my parents. You know what? My mom was actually okay for once. She was more reasonable than she usually is, and I didn't lose my shit (which I had been doing on the school bus a few minutes before I came home- I was a total mess). It was my dad that was the bad one. They're always telling me that I shouldn't be ashamed of my grades, that if I do badly they won't be angry, just dissapointed, that they won't yell at me, etc, etc. Of course my dad totally flipped out and yelled at me. And then when I got upset he started saying oh, how dare I speak to him like that, blah blah. It's not my fault that when I'm upset I get louder. I wasn't trying to yell at him or talk back, I just wanted to defend myself, and oh, yeah, hey, I was kind of trying to stave off a panic attack at the time, thanks.
So I completely lost it in the car on the way to work, where I am now by the way. I haven't cried in a really long time, but God, today it's like the flood gates have been opened. This always happens- I bottle up everything, all my stress and pain and general freak-out until it just explodes. I can't afford to be emotional, I'm the crutch for so many of my friends, and I have so many responsiblities, and just... ARGH.
I've been eating a lot less, I've been sleeping really badly, my friends don't want to be anywhere near me. I've been having bouts of lightheadedness that have become really bad. I'm so stressed out about everything, about all my exams at the end of the year and all the social bullshit that's going down. I know that if I complain about being stressed my parents will want me to quit my job, but that's one of the only places where I'm actually relaxed and feel safe. I'm just totally freaked out and stressed and upset, and I feel like shit. I just want this year to be over. I'm so fucking ready for summer- I just don't want to deal with this anymore. I feel like I'm completely losing my shit, and I've been so together this year that it's just terrible. Everything was going so great, and now at the end it's completely falling apart. It's not fair.
You know what? All in all, this year hasn't been that bad. Yeah, I've had my conflicts, but it's been pretty decent so far. I've been doing reasonably well in school, my friends have been great, yadda yadda. But OH MY GOD. This week has been a nightmare, and it's only Wednesday.
First of all, I'm suddenly doing really badly in math. Like, I may be failing. I've been doing well this year, mostly in the 80s, which is great for me. Everything was going so well, and now suddenly I'm in the danger zone. I think I can get my grades back up, but I've pretty much blown my chances for doing better than an 80 average for the last quarter. Which I'm fine with, I just want to pass, but I'm still really upset. Not to mention my parents.
Oh man, my parents. You know what? My mom was actually okay for once. She was more reasonable than she usually is, and I didn't lose my shit (which I had been doing on the school bus a few minutes before I came home- I was a total mess). It was my dad that was the bad one. They're always telling me that I shouldn't be ashamed of my grades, that if I do badly they won't be angry, just dissapointed, that they won't yell at me, etc, etc. Of course my dad totally flipped out and yelled at me. And then when I got upset he started saying oh, how dare I speak to him like that, blah blah. It's not my fault that when I'm upset I get louder. I wasn't trying to yell at him or talk back, I just wanted to defend myself, and oh, yeah, hey, I was kind of trying to stave off a panic attack at the time, thanks.
So I completely lost it in the car on the way to work, where I am now by the way. I haven't cried in a really long time, but God, today it's like the flood gates have been opened. This always happens- I bottle up everything, all my stress and pain and general freak-out until it just explodes. I can't afford to be emotional, I'm the crutch for so many of my friends, and I have so many responsiblities, and just... ARGH.
I've been eating a lot less, I've been sleeping really badly, my friends don't want to be anywhere near me. I've been having bouts of lightheadedness that have become really bad. I'm so stressed out about everything, about all my exams at the end of the year and all the social bullshit that's going down. I know that if I complain about being stressed my parents will want me to quit my job, but that's one of the only places where I'm actually relaxed and feel safe. I'm just totally freaked out and stressed and upset, and I feel like shit. I just want this year to be over. I'm so fucking ready for summer- I just don't want to deal with this anymore. I feel like I'm completely losing my shit, and I've been so together this year that it's just terrible. Everything was going so great, and now at the end it's completely falling apart. It's not fair.