Life on Mars fic
Title: Make Tea, Not Love
Author:
acidpenguin46
Characters: Gene, Sam, Chris
Word Count: 465
Rating: cracky white cortina
Warning: LoM/Monty Python crossover, one for which some knowledge of Flying Circus or And Now For Something Completely Different would be helpful. Oh, and it's all dialogue.
Summary: A new gang is in town, striking fear in the hearts of everyone.
Spoilers: None
NOTES: Just a quick break from all the angst I've been writing as of late.
Make Tea, Not Love
“Nice you finally decided to grace us with your presence.”
“I’m fine by the way, thanks for the overwhelming concern.”
“The world doesn’t stop because you broke a fingernail, Dorothy - “
“An arm.”
“Same difference.”
“You know, Guv, this plaster would hurt a lot more than my fist.”
”Yeah, well that’s not hard, a feather wrapped in cotton wool would hurt more than…”
“As gripping as all of this is, Guv, I…”
“…and while you were off getting your hair done, a new gang has made itself at home in this town.”
“What have you got on them?”
“Not much. Snouts aren’t talkin’ and meanwhile fit, defenceless young men are being attacked in my city.”
“How many?”
“Three. All beaten with a blunt, heavy object, and all too scared to look at their own reflection, let alone talk about it. Completely bloody useless.”
“Okay then. What about forensics?”
“Jesus, what did we do without you Gladys? Ne’er would’ve thought of that meself. Chris!”
“Yes Guv?”
“Tell DI Brain Donor here what was in the reports.”
“Well, not much boss. Only one thing stood out and that was an unusual amounts of black lace."
“That’s’ it?”
“Oh, and this painted on the walls at every crime scene.”
“Well, I’m glad you find this so funny, Dorothy. Should I let those three blokes know that you find their pain so amusing?”
“I’m sorry Guv, it’s just that, well, you don’t see that every day.”
“I think it was Neo-Nazi’s meself. Who else would write something like that?”
“Last time I checked Christopher, the NF didn’t really seem like they had a weakness for a spot of tea.”
“And this gang, they haven’t been responsible for vandalising phone boxes by any chance?”
“How did know you that boss?”
“Just a hunch. You might want to hold off until tomorrow Guv, that’s when they’re most active.”
“What’s tomorrow?”
“Pension day.”
“Has your brain been broken as well Dorothy?”
“Look, you're not going to believe me if I tell you."
“That hasn’t stopped you before.”
“You have no idea what you’re dealing with here Guv. These people aren’t in it for money, it’s mainly the prestige. Oh, and the free gifts. They live solely for kicks. You’re lucky they haven’t started tearing the heads off of sheep.”
“Stop bloody laughing. Do you know who they are or not?”
“They’re layabouts in lace, senile delinquents…”
“Senile? You saying old blokes did this?"
“Wrong gender, Guv.”
“You’re barking Tyler. I don’t know how, but breaking your arm has sent you even more off your rocker.”
“Come on, Guv. Who else but a granny would write ‘make tea, not love’?”
“And these grannies ride around on motorbikes; hurling abuse at every one they see, do they Tyler? Oh fer God’s sake, stop bloody laughing.”
Author:
acidpenguin46
Characters: Gene, Sam, Chris
Word Count: 465
Rating: cracky white cortina
Warning: LoM/Monty Python crossover, one for which some knowledge of Flying Circus or And Now For Something Completely Different would be helpful. Oh, and it's all dialogue.
Summary: A new gang is in town, striking fear in the hearts of everyone.
Spoilers: None
NOTES: Just a quick break from all the angst I've been writing as of late.
Make Tea, Not Love
“Nice you finally decided to grace us with your presence.”
“I’m fine by the way, thanks for the overwhelming concern.”
“The world doesn’t stop because you broke a fingernail, Dorothy - “
“An arm.”
“Same difference.”
“You know, Guv, this plaster would hurt a lot more than my fist.”
”Yeah, well that’s not hard, a feather wrapped in cotton wool would hurt more than…”
“As gripping as all of this is, Guv, I…”
“…and while you were off getting your hair done, a new gang has made itself at home in this town.”
“What have you got on them?”
“Not much. Snouts aren’t talkin’ and meanwhile fit, defenceless young men are being attacked in my city.”
“How many?”
“Three. All beaten with a blunt, heavy object, and all too scared to look at their own reflection, let alone talk about it. Completely bloody useless.”
“Okay then. What about forensics?”
“Jesus, what did we do without you Gladys? Ne’er would’ve thought of that meself. Chris!”
“Yes Guv?”
“Tell DI Brain Donor here what was in the reports.”
“Well, not much boss. Only one thing stood out and that was an unusual amounts of black lace."
“That’s’ it?”
“Oh, and this painted on the walls at every crime scene.”
“Well, I’m glad you find this so funny, Dorothy. Should I let those three blokes know that you find their pain so amusing?”
“I’m sorry Guv, it’s just that, well, you don’t see that every day.”
“I think it was Neo-Nazi’s meself. Who else would write something like that?”
“Last time I checked Christopher, the NF didn’t really seem like they had a weakness for a spot of tea.”
“And this gang, they haven’t been responsible for vandalising phone boxes by any chance?”
“How did know you that boss?”
“Just a hunch. You might want to hold off until tomorrow Guv, that’s when they’re most active.”
“What’s tomorrow?”
“Pension day.”
“Has your brain been broken as well Dorothy?”
“Look, you're not going to believe me if I tell you."
“That hasn’t stopped you before.”
“You have no idea what you’re dealing with here Guv. These people aren’t in it for money, it’s mainly the prestige. Oh, and the free gifts. They live solely for kicks. You’re lucky they haven’t started tearing the heads off of sheep.”
“Stop bloody laughing. Do you know who they are or not?”
“They’re layabouts in lace, senile delinquents…”
“Senile? You saying old blokes did this?"
“Wrong gender, Guv.”
“You’re barking Tyler. I don’t know how, but breaking your arm has sent you even more off your rocker.”
“Come on, Guv. Who else but a granny would write ‘make tea, not love’?”
“And these grannies ride around on motorbikes; hurling abuse at every one they see, do they Tyler? Oh fer God’s sake, stop bloody laughing.”