Delightfully stolen from nsomniac
Dear Lisping Queen with whom I work:
Reply to: anon-71276724@craigslist.org
Date: Mon May 02 11:49:33 2005
I have nothing against you personally. God created creatures of all shapes, sizes, and types, and this even applies to gay men. That diversity is wonderful. And, from time to time, you're actually kind of cool. You're funny, if nothing else. But here's the thing:
I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU.
I know all the chubby girls in this office think your excessively fashionable outfits, your ever-changing haircolor, your squeals of delight, your sybillant s's, the flailing of your hands when you talk, your switchy walk, your bitchy comments about that girl in the front office who always wears colored hosiery (she truly is heinous, I'll give you that one), and your horrible--and I mean HORRIBLE--taste in music is endearing and funny, and that it all makes you the zany faggot of the office.
And I will give you this: you are funny, quick-witted, and, at times, you appear as though you may secretly be intelligent. And, okay fine, I like Madonna, too. Okay, fine, I LOVE Madonna. You got me, okay? Fine. "Ray of Light" is one of the best albums ever, and it finds its way into my headphones as often as Arcade Fire and Wilco do. Fine.
However---here's the caveat:
I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU.
Let's review--
Similarities between you, Lisping Queen, and me:
Both male.
Both gay.
Both enjoy Madonna cd's, particularly those recorded after 1992.
THAT, Lisping Queen, IS IT.
I don't find your vapidity, your lisp, your squealing, your RIDICULOUSLY tight clothing, your GINORMOUS Dior sunglasses, your flailing hands, your obsession with Madonna, Christina, Britney, Celine, Janet (although Velvet Rope is a GREAT album), et. al., to be endearing, or funny, or cute, or, least of all, ATTRACTIVE.
I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU.
You are not funny and cute because you've never heard of the movie "Sideways" because you have "ohmyGod the WORST taste!" and only see Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan movies. You are not funny and cute because the only book you've read in the last 5 years is "The Devil Wears Prada." You are not intelligent because you choose not to vote because you "don't know any more how to fix the world than anyone else, so what's the point?" And your incessant stories about how "this guy fucked me so hard last night I think he shrunk my spine" are fucking GROSS. NOT CUTE.
I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU.
Did you catch that?
I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU.
So STOP constantly touching me, STOP grabbing my ass, STOP asking me "so when are we gonna make out," STOP asking Kristy to tell me to ask you out, and STOP interjecting that I've had plenty of chances to nail you everytime I make a joke to her (she doesn't particularly care for you either, by the way) about considering celibacy because of my bad romance luck. Because, the thing is, it's not that I'm blind and don't REALIZE that you're throwing yourself at me. It's simply that:
I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU.
Thanks ever so much,
The other gay guy in the office
Reply to: anon-71276724@craigslist.org
Date: Mon May 02 11:49:33 2005
I have nothing against you personally. God created creatures of all shapes, sizes, and types, and this even applies to gay men. That diversity is wonderful. And, from time to time, you're actually kind of cool. You're funny, if nothing else. But here's the thing:
I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU.
I know all the chubby girls in this office think your excessively fashionable outfits, your ever-changing haircolor, your squeals of delight, your sybillant s's, the flailing of your hands when you talk, your switchy walk, your bitchy comments about that girl in the front office who always wears colored hosiery (she truly is heinous, I'll give you that one), and your horrible--and I mean HORRIBLE--taste in music is endearing and funny, and that it all makes you the zany faggot of the office.
And I will give you this: you are funny, quick-witted, and, at times, you appear as though you may secretly be intelligent. And, okay fine, I like Madonna, too. Okay, fine, I LOVE Madonna. You got me, okay? Fine. "Ray of Light" is one of the best albums ever, and it finds its way into my headphones as often as Arcade Fire and Wilco do. Fine.
However---here's the caveat:
I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU.
Let's review--
Similarities between you, Lisping Queen, and me:
Both male.
Both gay.
Both enjoy Madonna cd's, particularly those recorded after 1992.
THAT, Lisping Queen, IS IT.
I don't find your vapidity, your lisp, your squealing, your RIDICULOUSLY tight clothing, your GINORMOUS Dior sunglasses, your flailing hands, your obsession with Madonna, Christina, Britney, Celine, Janet (although Velvet Rope is a GREAT album), et. al., to be endearing, or funny, or cute, or, least of all, ATTRACTIVE.
I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU.
You are not funny and cute because you've never heard of the movie "Sideways" because you have "ohmyGod the WORST taste!" and only see Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan movies. You are not funny and cute because the only book you've read in the last 5 years is "The Devil Wears Prada." You are not intelligent because you choose not to vote because you "don't know any more how to fix the world than anyone else, so what's the point?" And your incessant stories about how "this guy fucked me so hard last night I think he shrunk my spine" are fucking GROSS. NOT CUTE.
I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU.
Did you catch that?
I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU.
So STOP constantly touching me, STOP grabbing my ass, STOP asking me "so when are we gonna make out," STOP asking Kristy to tell me to ask you out, and STOP interjecting that I've had plenty of chances to nail you everytime I make a joke to her (she doesn't particularly care for you either, by the way) about considering celibacy because of my bad romance luck. Because, the thing is, it's not that I'm blind and don't REALIZE that you're throwing yourself at me. It's simply that:
I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU.
Thanks ever so much,
The other gay guy in the office