(no subject)
Work is stressful mostly for the commute, but I'm thankful I ended up working for decent people. Some money would be nice, though, but I doubt anyone would hire somebody who can only work for a month on weekends and after 8 on weekdays in this town.
I have filled up at least fifteen pages of a sketchbook with drawings of people and ideas I see on the train and subway. I enjoy drawing on the train immensly, although I still can't quite bring myself to do it while someone is sitting next to me. I did it once, with the sketchbook bent towards the window and away from the old man whose elbow was smashed into my hip.
I feel the same way I always feel in the summer. Like I never want to leave my room or sleep or talk or take showers or eat or be a person in general. So when I'm not working or travelling, I'm watching foreign tv shows and movies on the internet. Reading books. Watching those really horrible tv shows that make my stomach twist but I can't seem to turn them off because I kind of do want to know who flava flav will get rid of tonight. Sleeping sometimes happens, but it's never good. One night I swear my brain did not shut off, but my body did. It was no dream. Just me doing nothing since I couldn't even open my eyes. Thinking and processing and whatnot, essentially awake in a sleeping body. Woke up without that shake I get when my body hasn't rested enough, so I thought it was okay and maybe it was just a dream that I had been staring at the inside of my eyelids for the past five hours. But then my brain sort of drifted off and I don't have much recollection at all of that day. I looked at the notes I took at work that day- none of it makes sense. None of it. I have no idea what they are referring to, whether it's a video I logged or directions to a file on the computer.
A girl I work with and goes to my college, too, touches me a lot. She puts her chin on my head when looking at my sketchbook while I draw at work, touches my shoulder as she passes me in the office, rests her hand on my back when I'm standing near her. I don't mind it. In fact, it makes me feel comfortable. Maybe it's a bit of a grounder. I feel like I'm not really there at times, sometimes everywhere. Looking in the mirror usually fixes that immediately, as I'm reminded of what I look like to people. She also fixes it. When she touches my hair it reminds me that that is my hair and that I am indeed underneath that hair sitting on that office chair in front of that computer.
I love my hair. Its at my shoulders now and actually whips around in the wind. My bangs are now too long and do that weird cowlick thing. The dye is almost gone and I'm left with something that isn't black but is not the dark brown my hair is naturally. My mom said she'd take me to get my nose pierced once all the dye is gone, but I don't really want to. I rather have two more ear piercings and do it myself. I'll ask another time when I'm not so blase about it.
My cell phone now has dirty whirl as the ringtone but I keep it on vibrate almost all the time since I listen to my ipod during the commute. All all all I listen to is wolf parade. all. it's not even a matter of listening to the music anymore. it's comfort. it's repetative and constant and requires no thinking on what i'm in the mood for. i'd listen to cat power's metal heart on repeat, but listening to just one song is not comforting. and metal heart sometimes makes me cry. its the song i decided would be the loudest and longest in my movie. whatever movie that is. whether i make it or it never exists, it's now there. here. deciding between there or here makes no sense sometimes.
i want it to snow so i can put on several layers of pants and my mom's old winter jacket that sheds feathers and a hoodie and just go in the backyard an lie on the ground. i did that a lot in middle school. back when it would snow a foot.
I have filled up at least fifteen pages of a sketchbook with drawings of people and ideas I see on the train and subway. I enjoy drawing on the train immensly, although I still can't quite bring myself to do it while someone is sitting next to me. I did it once, with the sketchbook bent towards the window and away from the old man whose elbow was smashed into my hip.
I feel the same way I always feel in the summer. Like I never want to leave my room or sleep or talk or take showers or eat or be a person in general. So when I'm not working or travelling, I'm watching foreign tv shows and movies on the internet. Reading books. Watching those really horrible tv shows that make my stomach twist but I can't seem to turn them off because I kind of do want to know who flava flav will get rid of tonight. Sleeping sometimes happens, but it's never good. One night I swear my brain did not shut off, but my body did. It was no dream. Just me doing nothing since I couldn't even open my eyes. Thinking and processing and whatnot, essentially awake in a sleeping body. Woke up without that shake I get when my body hasn't rested enough, so I thought it was okay and maybe it was just a dream that I had been staring at the inside of my eyelids for the past five hours. But then my brain sort of drifted off and I don't have much recollection at all of that day. I looked at the notes I took at work that day- none of it makes sense. None of it. I have no idea what they are referring to, whether it's a video I logged or directions to a file on the computer.
A girl I work with and goes to my college, too, touches me a lot. She puts her chin on my head when looking at my sketchbook while I draw at work, touches my shoulder as she passes me in the office, rests her hand on my back when I'm standing near her. I don't mind it. In fact, it makes me feel comfortable. Maybe it's a bit of a grounder. I feel like I'm not really there at times, sometimes everywhere. Looking in the mirror usually fixes that immediately, as I'm reminded of what I look like to people. She also fixes it. When she touches my hair it reminds me that that is my hair and that I am indeed underneath that hair sitting on that office chair in front of that computer.
I love my hair. Its at my shoulders now and actually whips around in the wind. My bangs are now too long and do that weird cowlick thing. The dye is almost gone and I'm left with something that isn't black but is not the dark brown my hair is naturally. My mom said she'd take me to get my nose pierced once all the dye is gone, but I don't really want to. I rather have two more ear piercings and do it myself. I'll ask another time when I'm not so blase about it.
My cell phone now has dirty whirl as the ringtone but I keep it on vibrate almost all the time since I listen to my ipod during the commute. All all all I listen to is wolf parade. all. it's not even a matter of listening to the music anymore. it's comfort. it's repetative and constant and requires no thinking on what i'm in the mood for. i'd listen to cat power's metal heart on repeat, but listening to just one song is not comforting. and metal heart sometimes makes me cry. its the song i decided would be the loudest and longest in my movie. whatever movie that is. whether i make it or it never exists, it's now there. here. deciding between there or here makes no sense sometimes.
i want it to snow so i can put on several layers of pants and my mom's old winter jacket that sheds feathers and a hoodie and just go in the backyard an lie on the ground. i did that a lot in middle school. back when it would snow a foot.