swimming, swimming, just keep swimming
Sometimes things happen, they always seem to happen for a reason. Although we may not know it at the time there's always a significance to it.
All day I've been fighting with myself, my thoughts and it's been horrible. This has been the worst Thanksgiving of my life but after talking to some friends I began to realize a lot.
I was standing in the mirror a moment ago just looking at myself, really looking at myself. I'm not sure what I saw but there was something about my eyes, something that told me there was more to everything than feeling like this. I always stand in front of the mirror and play with my hair and try to get it to do cool things. I liked the way it looked and suddenly I had this confidence that I haven't felt in about three weeks. I felt like even though things aren't great right now that someday I'll be okay and I'll be successful and I won't be the one hurting and confused anymore. It was such a great feeling and I could use more of it.
Tonight I talked to the first friend. I talked about everything that had gone on today and last night and it felt really good just to say it all. To say things out loud and hear myself say that I would be okay. To hear myself say that I don't care anymore, even though I still might it really helps. It helps to have someone who talks back and understands how you feel and in a way I really feel like I'm helping them back.
I've realized that I can't let myself fall into traps anymore. I have to trust myself and myself only. I trusted someone for so long and it was taken away in a matter of minutes but myself, I have to live with that forever. If something doesn't feel right than I'm going to trust that feeling. I've had this feeling in my stomach when I think about certain things or do certain things and that's more than enough of a sign for me to realize what I'm trying to tell myself. I have to be selfish because I don't think I have been in a long time.
The second friend called and I didn't answer, I'm not sure why I didn't but sometimes I can't talk to people at the moment and I'll feel bad but this time it was okay. I listened to the voice message and it was so funny. It was about thanksgiving and he was gobbling and all this stuff. I couldn't help but start laughing! It was awesome and it really got me thinking.
Thats when I knew that people really do care about me. I knew this before but today I needed it today. I needed something more than just negativness. Both phone calls really helped me realize a lot. Its so nice to know that people care. I thought for so long that my only friend was him, that he was the only one I could tell things to but I was wrong and so blind. I may not be able to trust people like I want but at least I know they are there and right now that's all I can ask for.
I guess I've never felt so many feelings all at once before and I hate being this confused but things will work out. People who know what they want and fight like hell for it can't lose in the end, that's just not how the game works. Even if things don't turn out they way you wanted they will work out because that's what happens. They say what goes around comes around and I truly believe in that. It works both ways and whether or not I deserved this its been handed to me and now I have to run with it and make the best of it, no matter how hard it might be. Just keep moving....