Long time...
So I have written in this journal in a long time and I figured now it would be time for an update...
A lot has happened to me since winter break. First off the break was amazing... I worked, practiced, and met someone. She is amazing... and it made Christmas all the better. By far one of the best Chrismas' I have had in a long time. It was very nice spending time with the family and seeing us all together just really hit home in more than the proverbial sense. I often feel very distanced from my family in the ways that I don't think they fully understand who I am, nor do they really know me. It's as if they are pretending to me, but I know their not, they just don't know any better. My family has never really been engaged with each other outside of the holidays. The only members I feel close to are my parents and my grandmother, outside of them not a single member of my family can I say that I feel relatively close to in any way, shape or form. This is what hit me this winter break, I really don't know my extended family and I feel as though I never will. It makes me extremely sad because I do care about them, but we never seem to be able to do anything really as a family, as one entire genealogical unit. I hope this changes in the future when my cousins are in college (or out), and I am finished with my degrees. I really would like to spend some true quality time with my family at some point in my life.
In regards to college, I am back at Mansfield and so happy to be back. It is my final semester and a lot of stress is being put on my shoulders, but it will be fine. I have my first graduate audition on February 10 and then two more the following week. I won't be around school for about... five to seven days because of traveling and preparing. This first week has been interesting to say the least, I seem to be seeing a lot of more new people to the campus, although they might just be those I didn't see at all last semester because of schedules. I really enjoy just sitting back and watching people interact and observing the "motions" of everyday life here on campus. I often wonder if anyone really thinks about what they do in the course of the day and how redundant and mundane it seemingly is. I say this not to mock them, or demean them in anyway, but to provoke meaningful thoughts about what we all do. I say this because today I am feeling extremely philoshopical after a class I had today. That class being "Environmental Readings in Literature." We are discussing Henry David Thoreau's "Walden" and reviewing a chapter from it. I have read this work before but never really took much of it to heart. There is a particular part of this chapter I wish to share, it is:
"In the midst of this chopping sea of civilized life, such are the clouds and storms of quicksands and thousand-and-one items to be allowed for, that a man has to live, if he would not founder and go to the bottom and not make his port at all, by dead reckoning, and he must be a great calculator indeed who succeeds."
It's almost as to say, why bother with all that is what we consider our "civilized life?" The drama and ups and downs is not what really matters, there are a lot of little things ("thousand-and-one items") that we care about yes, but what really matters is HOW we live, not what we supposedly live FOR. In reference to going to the "bottom" of the sea, and not making "port" anywhere, as to wander aimlessly and just enjoy it as it is, and observe all that is around and really appreciate everyone and everything that surrounds you. "Dead reckoning" I would venture a guess to mean that to "reckon" would be to guess on a path or direction of which to avoid the "chopping sea" and really "succeed" by truly making your away out of the drama, and all the little things and really settle down and "make port" in YOUR life, and enjoy what is in front of you, what really matters. These are just my thoughts on that passage from that chapter. It just really struck me so surprisingly that I have not been able to get it out of my head since I read it yesterday...
Otherwise, classes are going well and I really enjoy the time I have during the day to do whatever I want. It's nice to have a relaxing final semester... this is all for now...
A lot has happened to me since winter break. First off the break was amazing... I worked, practiced, and met someone. She is amazing... and it made Christmas all the better. By far one of the best Chrismas' I have had in a long time. It was very nice spending time with the family and seeing us all together just really hit home in more than the proverbial sense. I often feel very distanced from my family in the ways that I don't think they fully understand who I am, nor do they really know me. It's as if they are pretending to me, but I know their not, they just don't know any better. My family has never really been engaged with each other outside of the holidays. The only members I feel close to are my parents and my grandmother, outside of them not a single member of my family can I say that I feel relatively close to in any way, shape or form. This is what hit me this winter break, I really don't know my extended family and I feel as though I never will. It makes me extremely sad because I do care about them, but we never seem to be able to do anything really as a family, as one entire genealogical unit. I hope this changes in the future when my cousins are in college (or out), and I am finished with my degrees. I really would like to spend some true quality time with my family at some point in my life.
In regards to college, I am back at Mansfield and so happy to be back. It is my final semester and a lot of stress is being put on my shoulders, but it will be fine. I have my first graduate audition on February 10 and then two more the following week. I won't be around school for about... five to seven days because of traveling and preparing. This first week has been interesting to say the least, I seem to be seeing a lot of more new people to the campus, although they might just be those I didn't see at all last semester because of schedules. I really enjoy just sitting back and watching people interact and observing the "motions" of everyday life here on campus. I often wonder if anyone really thinks about what they do in the course of the day and how redundant and mundane it seemingly is. I say this not to mock them, or demean them in anyway, but to provoke meaningful thoughts about what we all do. I say this because today I am feeling extremely philoshopical after a class I had today. That class being "Environmental Readings in Literature." We are discussing Henry David Thoreau's "Walden" and reviewing a chapter from it. I have read this work before but never really took much of it to heart. There is a particular part of this chapter I wish to share, it is:
"In the midst of this chopping sea of civilized life, such are the clouds and storms of quicksands and thousand-and-one items to be allowed for, that a man has to live, if he would not founder and go to the bottom and not make his port at all, by dead reckoning, and he must be a great calculator indeed who succeeds."
It's almost as to say, why bother with all that is what we consider our "civilized life?" The drama and ups and downs is not what really matters, there are a lot of little things ("thousand-and-one items") that we care about yes, but what really matters is HOW we live, not what we supposedly live FOR. In reference to going to the "bottom" of the sea, and not making "port" anywhere, as to wander aimlessly and just enjoy it as it is, and observe all that is around and really appreciate everyone and everything that surrounds you. "Dead reckoning" I would venture a guess to mean that to "reckon" would be to guess on a path or direction of which to avoid the "chopping sea" and really "succeed" by truly making your away out of the drama, and all the little things and really settle down and "make port" in YOUR life, and enjoy what is in front of you, what really matters. These are just my thoughts on that passage from that chapter. It just really struck me so surprisingly that I have not been able to get it out of my head since I read it yesterday...
Otherwise, classes are going well and I really enjoy the time I have during the day to do whatever I want. It's nice to have a relaxing final semester... this is all for now...