Creative Writing

[achluomania]

So the first two days of school are over! Finally! And I got the two classes I wanted most, which are AP Psychology and Creative Writing. AND, as a bonus, both of those teachers are freakin' amazing and I think slightly insane.

So, my first assignment was to write a flash fiction piece including a waitress who likes her menus to rhyme as one of the

Comments

[zora01]

I think you got his grumpiness right. I got a feel of what was bothering him and how the waitress's cheeriness bothered him. You did a nice job in the story as a whole. =D

There's a thing or two you could improve. I hope you don't mind if I make a few suggestions. And I apologize if I sound bluntly honest... That's just my way, but it doesn't mean I didn't like your work.

- I'm not too much into rhyming but you did all right. Though, I think the waiter would've been more annoying (and funny) if she'd rambled more about the menu. There's a few books and a few places online where you could find rhymes.

-The first sentence sounds a bit cliche and it's passive voice.
Maybe you could start it something like this:
"Travis cursed. For once in his life, he didn’t like the rain."
The only thing I omitted was the fact that it was Saturday, but is that information really necessary? And in two sentences you can portray his grumpiness right and introduce the atmosphere.

-Just one last thing. There are other times where you use passive voice and you don't have to. Try to use passive voice only when you have to. The trick to avoiding passive voice is to look at the sentences when you use the words "had" or/and any form of the verb "be" and think if there's any other way you could phrase the sentence.There are times when you WILL have to use passive voice, specially in dialogue, but avoided if you can, this helps the story flow better.
Example:
It was hard to keep his eyes off her. As annoyingly bright as she was, she still drew attention from everyone else. Her clothes just screamed, “Look at me!” and her loud chatter was enough for a deaf person to hear.
You could rephrase into something like this:
"He kept his eyes on her. With all the annoyance she radiated to him, she still drew attention from everyone else. Her clothes just screamed, "Look at me!" and even a deaf person could hear her loud chatter."
XD You could find a better way to rephrase that if you like, but I'm just trying to make my point.

I hope I helped and didn't bother you. =D

[achluomania]

Of course you didnt =D I love it when people are helpful. Most people just say "its good" or "it could be better" and it's so irritating because they don't say why they like it or why it could be better. I just want to smack 'em over the head and shout, "continue!"

Anyways, thanks for the help =D