Life Changes
Well, here I thought that my break up was smoother than I could of possibly imagined. I thought I would be crying non-stop and super upset. I wasn't. I cried yes, but I was extremely upset. Probably because I knew it was coming...things had sort of been going bad for about two months, nothing HORRIBLE... but just very discouraging and heartbreaking. Then we broke up. okay. When I was finally all moved things started to settle in but they haven't completely because I've still been to where we lived because he was helping me make a DVD for my bestfriend, of her Wedding...as well as another DVD that I was having made.
Anyway... it hasn't completely felt like we've broken up as we're on good terms and I've slept there (because I had work the next day and his place is about 15 mins from work, where I moved is 45 mins)... he hasn't had a problem with it and I don't have to give the keys back until I'm done watching the kitties for the few days that he goes away to see his brother graduate from Boot Camp. Over this past weekend, I made the mistake of re-reading our old conversations. I had accidentally stumbled upon them and thought it would be hilarious if I read them.
We had been having a great day of laughing and joking and it really felt like it did in the beginning because we are only seeing each other here and there, and not everyday. Well reading the conversations really brought me back. I was reading some to him and we were laughing about things that were said and calling ourselves dorks and what not. Unfortunately, things could be completely different today if I hadn't lived in such a crappy apartment and was always staying there (and he had told me that he didn't mind...because he didn't)...
Well, I had basically replaced his ex girlfriend. They were only broken up for a couple of months and where as he enjoyed my company and liked me (still does like me in a way) as things went on, I pretty much just took her place. As time passed and we got closer to our year anniversary he started thinking. Was he enjoying things because it was convenient and I was always around? Or was he enjoying that it was me? Things had pretty much just blended together and he really couldn't tell.
So we broke up... he needs to figure out what he really wants (as he's told me that I'm the best girlfriend he's had and he knows that I'm everything a guy could possibly want...(trustwothy, caring, affectionate, open, warm, funny...etc!)...he just wasn't competely happy) but he just needs to be alone for a good amount of time.
Now things could still go either way... where there is that possibility for him to realize it was just convenience there is also that possibility that he'll realize it's me that he misses. Now, part of me is going to wait around for him (as my feelings are just not going to go away)... but I also know that I'm not going to JUST wait around for him. It's probably going to take me a long time to find someone... who knows when I'm going to actually be emotionally ready to anyway. (as much as I just want to be ready to move on because I hate being alone/lonely)
I'm moving on with my life and moving about an hour away from where he lives/works. I am going back to school to get my masters, trying to get some experience in my field with internships etc. If he realizes that it's me that he misses and he really does want to be with me...and I'm single and the feelings are still there and I really want to try this again, then I don't see why we wouldn't. I mean he'd have some proving to do to let me know that that is what he REALLY does want. I would stay where I was and it would be a completely different situation...we wouldn't be seeing each other all the time...but probably weekends or whatever. I guess I don't really see it going that way but there is always that possibility.
Anyway... reading all that old stuff really brought back all the good times that we had and now I can barely make it a few hours without crying. The day I have to give him the keys back, I don't even want to know how much of a mess I am going to be. I am about to cry right now (eyes are watering) but I can't because I am at work. This is becoming really hard.
I think what's making it even harder is the fact that he's being really great about this. He's being understanding and he's letting me cry and not getting annoyed by it. He really understands and where he doesn't cry or show emotion the same way that I am, I know that he's going to miss me. Gah! I should probably stop even though I have more to say because I really can't hold these tears in.
I'm just really glad that we've ended on such good terms and I hope that it always stays that way regardless of what happens. (except of course i'd be so pissed if he got a new gf within the next 4 or so months and someone would be replacing not only me and his feelings (which are probably going to fade over time if I'm not what he misses)...but they would also be replacing the "mommy" role in my kitties lives. And he wouldn't really be "finding himself" or "needing time alone" if he gets a new gf that soon...and besides, his friends love me and I'd like to think his family does, so they need time to heal..haha!) I just always want him in my life. I care about him so much and I'm pretty sure that he knows that.
And although he thinks that I'd be settling I really don't think so. I know what I want and regardless of him being my first boyfriend.. I know what I don't want and there's never been anything with him that has made me think that he's not what I want.
oh well. only time will tell(heal).
Anyway... it hasn't completely felt like we've broken up as we're on good terms and I've slept there (because I had work the next day and his place is about 15 mins from work, where I moved is 45 mins)... he hasn't had a problem with it and I don't have to give the keys back until I'm done watching the kitties for the few days that he goes away to see his brother graduate from Boot Camp. Over this past weekend, I made the mistake of re-reading our old conversations. I had accidentally stumbled upon them and thought it would be hilarious if I read them.
We had been having a great day of laughing and joking and it really felt like it did in the beginning because we are only seeing each other here and there, and not everyday. Well reading the conversations really brought me back. I was reading some to him and we were laughing about things that were said and calling ourselves dorks and what not. Unfortunately, things could be completely different today if I hadn't lived in such a crappy apartment and was always staying there (and he had told me that he didn't mind...because he didn't)...
Well, I had basically replaced his ex girlfriend. They were only broken up for a couple of months and where as he enjoyed my company and liked me (still does like me in a way) as things went on, I pretty much just took her place. As time passed and we got closer to our year anniversary he started thinking. Was he enjoying things because it was convenient and I was always around? Or was he enjoying that it was me? Things had pretty much just blended together and he really couldn't tell.
So we broke up... he needs to figure out what he really wants (as he's told me that I'm the best girlfriend he's had and he knows that I'm everything a guy could possibly want...(trustwothy, caring, affectionate, open, warm, funny...etc!)...he just wasn't competely happy) but he just needs to be alone for a good amount of time.
Now things could still go either way... where there is that possibility for him to realize it was just convenience there is also that possibility that he'll realize it's me that he misses. Now, part of me is going to wait around for him (as my feelings are just not going to go away)... but I also know that I'm not going to JUST wait around for him. It's probably going to take me a long time to find someone... who knows when I'm going to actually be emotionally ready to anyway. (as much as I just want to be ready to move on because I hate being alone/lonely)
I'm moving on with my life and moving about an hour away from where he lives/works. I am going back to school to get my masters, trying to get some experience in my field with internships etc. If he realizes that it's me that he misses and he really does want to be with me...and I'm single and the feelings are still there and I really want to try this again, then I don't see why we wouldn't. I mean he'd have some proving to do to let me know that that is what he REALLY does want. I would stay where I was and it would be a completely different situation...we wouldn't be seeing each other all the time...but probably weekends or whatever. I guess I don't really see it going that way but there is always that possibility.
Anyway... reading all that old stuff really brought back all the good times that we had and now I can barely make it a few hours without crying. The day I have to give him the keys back, I don't even want to know how much of a mess I am going to be. I am about to cry right now (eyes are watering) but I can't because I am at work. This is becoming really hard.
I think what's making it even harder is the fact that he's being really great about this. He's being understanding and he's letting me cry and not getting annoyed by it. He really understands and where he doesn't cry or show emotion the same way that I am, I know that he's going to miss me. Gah! I should probably stop even though I have more to say because I really can't hold these tears in.
I'm just really glad that we've ended on such good terms and I hope that it always stays that way regardless of what happens. (except of course i'd be so pissed if he got a new gf within the next 4 or so months and someone would be replacing not only me and his feelings (which are probably going to fade over time if I'm not what he misses)...but they would also be replacing the "mommy" role in my kitties lives. And he wouldn't really be "finding himself" or "needing time alone" if he gets a new gf that soon...and besides, his friends love me and I'd like to think his family does, so they need time to heal..haha!) I just always want him in my life. I care about him so much and I'm pretty sure that he knows that.
And although he thinks that I'd be settling I really don't think so. I know what I want and regardless of him being my first boyfriend.. I know what I don't want and there's never been anything with him that has made me think that he's not what I want.
oh well. only time will tell(heal).