yea sure
I have this feeling of dissatisfaction again. really it's the only time i want to write in my journal. I have all these things floating through my mind, these "feelings" that i can't describe in words. If i could actaully describe them i guess i could decode them enough to take some action. But all i have are whiffs of something i can't quite put my finger on. It's like i'm missing something. I have an irking feeling its culture, something to bind me permenantly to others in my vicinity. Maybe it's russian culture that i'm lacking, or perhaps i just misunderstand the american culture. I can't connect, i don't have that innate drive because of my ackward apperance in this country. Not that i stumbled in and spilled a drink on my shirt as i walked in the door, just odd timing. I was just that age where you have some basis of yourself and ready to build on it from your surroundings, but then suddently the base i'd been building for 9 or so years dissapeared from under me and i had to learn all over again. But i couldn't, nor really. I tried pretty damn hard i definately remember that. That's probably why i shunned my given culture for so long. I'd never admit to anyone that i was russian, and to a lesser extent jewish, althought the jew part wasn't a problem as i spent most of my earlier days as an american going to jew school.
But i think that might be the piece i'm missing. I'm like Dubois with his dual identity thing, except i'm not black, or really discriminated against, but i think i got my point across. I just feel like i'm not fully locking in gear with people. Somethign is off, like my gear is spinning at a different speed. I'm the only person who feels it, i think everyone of my age (and i guess citizenship) does. We all want to connect deeply but there's a dick in the way. Some mystical cockblock. And then you bring sexuality into the issue and things really get buck wild. THat shit is totally nuts. I dont' think i can have a conversation with a strange girl without thinking of whethere i want to bed her, and then if i decide yes, how precicely to do so. Conversations with guys are just a way to pass the time before you get an opprotunity to talk to a girl. And no male on male talk is complete without some mention of pussy, whether it's lack or abundance. Ususally lack.
There's no good way to end this rant, becuase there's no resolution, but hey, at least i'm more level headed about it now then i was 3 years ago. It used to be a monstrous, overpowering existential crisis every i felt this way but i'm becoming wise to the twists of this stupid world. It so funny, and stupid, and probably beautiful, i'm sure it is, i think i used to believe that. I must have, i'm sure i do still, i'm just in denial. Must be it.
But i think that might be the piece i'm missing. I'm like Dubois with his dual identity thing, except i'm not black, or really discriminated against, but i think i got my point across. I just feel like i'm not fully locking in gear with people. Somethign is off, like my gear is spinning at a different speed. I'm the only person who feels it, i think everyone of my age (and i guess citizenship) does. We all want to connect deeply but there's a dick in the way. Some mystical cockblock. And then you bring sexuality into the issue and things really get buck wild. THat shit is totally nuts. I dont' think i can have a conversation with a strange girl without thinking of whethere i want to bed her, and then if i decide yes, how precicely to do so. Conversations with guys are just a way to pass the time before you get an opprotunity to talk to a girl. And no male on male talk is complete without some mention of pussy, whether it's lack or abundance. Ususally lack.
There's no good way to end this rant, becuase there's no resolution, but hey, at least i'm more level headed about it now then i was 3 years ago. It used to be a monstrous, overpowering existential crisis every i felt this way but i'm becoming wise to the twists of this stupid world. It so funny, and stupid, and probably beautiful, i'm sure it is, i think i used to believe that. I must have, i'm sure i do still, i'm just in denial. Must be it.