6 days overdue but no fines please
Well, I'm older now.. but I think most of you already knew that.
This post may or may not make sense and it may be me rambling, I will try to write about how my actual day went for posterity but for now I apologize but I have to ramble..
I find it very very strange to be sitting here writing- not becuase that's the strange part, as I've always loved writing, granted I think I've loved thinking about writing more than writing sometimes, but that is a different story.
Something about "where I am" now, where I am physically, mentally, financially.. it appears very strange to me, like an incongruence in my mind. I'm not saying that it feels wrong where I am, but I cannot exactly feel 100% at ease with what I am doing and where I am in my life.
I guess, growing up in my teens and even before that I had all these images and ideas of what I would be doing when I was 25. Things I would have accomplished or things I had done.Some things have completely fallen off the table, my life has changed course many times in ways that I hadn't seen myself doing or allowing and while I have accepted those changes, enjoyed some, and forgiven myself for others I wish I had the foresight to know that those things weren't going to work out so I could have had the courage to forge ahead with those things I never allowed myself to believe or want. For example, from the time I was 5 years old (in kindergarten) I knew I wanted to be a Doctor. I loved children even as a child myself and knew I wanted to be a family practitioner. That lasted until I was 20 and 3 different attempts at College level Chemistry efficiently thwarted my dreams of Med School(not that I didn't pass the class, I did with a B+ but I decided I did not want the rest of my educational life to be a constant battle where I would study for hours and barely pass with C, so I weighed out my options with my strengths as well as practicality for a future career and settled on Psychology. I love Psychology and am good at it, but that failure was something that was very hard to accept and I still occasionally fight with feelings of inadequacy.. but that is for another time.)
That decision/choice/roadblock changed the entire course my life had taken up until that point, I planned my entire academic life even in Middle School with the goal of getting into Med School. I wish now, that I had allowed myself to follow my first love. A love the predated my want to be a Doctor, my love to work with animals. I didn't let myself want to be a Veterinarian (or in my case a Marine Biologist) becuase it wasn't "practical" or whatnot.. To this day I wish with all my heart I had had the courage to delve into the animal sciences. A very good friend of mine is studying Animal Behavior after earning her BA in Animal Sciences from UC Davis and I am always in awe and jealous of her stories- learning how to handle birds of prey, painting with an Orangutan, feeding Elephants. I can't help but find myself thinking- that could have been me. But I have made my bed and now I have to lie in it, not to say I regret where I chose to "end up" but becuase I am plagued with the feelings of "what if"
And I guess that's the quintessence of this "ramble" the What ifs- if I had allowed myself to grow in one direction..
What if I had followed my dream of being a Zoo-Keeper/Marine Biologist?
What if I had applied to UCLA?
What if I hadn't quit on Biology and gone onto Med School?
But also the "what ifs" that could not have been had I chose those paths-
What if I hadn't study abroad?
What if I hadn't backpacked alone for month- would I be as 'strong' as I feel I am today?
Not only am I plagued about the "What ifs" of the past, but I am in constant doubt of the potential what ifs the future holds
What if I get my Masters in Art History instead of Psychology?
What if I don't get my Ph.D?
What if I can't find a job when I get home?
What if I go abroad again?
What if I never married?
What if I don't have kids?
What if I get Alzheimer's- What if my mom gets Alzheimer's?
I know the "What ifs" of the future are uncertain and necessary. Fear is what drives us humans, we are creatures of fear. If we don't understand something we fear it. We don't like it, but we bear it.
I am thankful for my experiences, no matter how bad, or lame, or whatever becuase everyone of them has shaped me into the person I am today, and the person I am today is a better person than I was 5 years ago and that is not the point of entry to complain "boo waaaah I suck I didn't get into Med School" no not at all but the feelings of uncertainty and fear still grasp at my ankles and sometime feel like anchors that are about to pull me under.
Many of my friends, in fact many of my close friends are all embarking on new journeys, have started new lives- and that's not to say I'm not- I've uprooted my life for a year in Europe. But I feel myself going in a different direction, not that it feels wrong for me where I am "now" but the things my friends are experiencing and making happen are things I want for myself too- just not now.
I just don't want to wake up in 20 years realize I am in my mid 40s and the things I wanted- things I want have slipped me by.
That's all folks.