Updated title- a not so quick note.
I had the intentions of updating, but just as I turned my computer on I got a skype call from a friend of mine and we talked for an hour, I
enjoyed talking to her but sadly it ate up my intended time to write.. and frankly all my ideas seemed to go out the window too becuase I had a"fun fact" list of culture differences from Germany and USA and now I can't think of any of them! Oh well.
Things have been a bit rough recently, I've been struggling with motivation in everything really- updating, posting and organizing pictures, writing, exercising, eating better. I think some of it has to do with the fact that I am tired and also that I still don't really "feel at home" here. Don't get me wrong I get along great but I still feel that I am very much a visitor even though I am treated like a member of the family--yesterday the family took a day trip to a local amusement park and not only invited me along but paid for my entrance. My room is still
not completely done, functional but not done.
My grandmother passed away last week. Tuesday exactly, although I didn't get a call from my mother until late Wednesday evening, when the phone rang I knew it was my mother with the news even though my phone displayed unknown. Looking back however I think I knew that she was going to pass since I had been overly tearful that day and the day before. I drank black tea with sugar instead of my usual coffee and sweetener.. tea was always my grandma's favorite drink. I said my goodbyes to my grandmother before I left in May since it was likely she was not going to make the year, but I still felt there were some things left unsaid so I decided to write her a letter and have my mother read it to her, even though I knew she would not understand nor hear my mother since she had been in a semiconscious state for awhile now; I still felt there were things I needed to say. I went a few days before to the stationary store and picked out a pink card with a cat holding a heart, very typical of my grandmother. I wrote the card Tuesday morning, mailed it right away Tuesday afternoon and then that very same night she died.
I always thought experiencing my first death would be...different. I've cried, I have been, and am sad. I've cried while listening to certain songs, but its not how I thought I would be. I didn't cry when my mom told me until afterwards I was recounting the news to Cat. I feel horrible, but I think I cried more when Figaro died. I think its maybe becuase I felt that I had already lost my grandma to Alzheimer's. Everything that made up the Yaya that I knew had been slowly and painfully stripped away and while once in the rare while there were glimpses of what once was, it was never more than a split second.
I don't like feeling this way, because I feel as if I'm not properly grieving, but really is there a proper way to grieve?
Ididn't plan for this entry to turn out like this, and I debated for a while on whether to post it or not. I hope I am not being disrespectful
of my family for posting this here but I would greatly appreciate anyone support or helpful advice and/or comments. Sometimes its hard becuase I feel like I am so very isolated here.
Night ya'll
enjoyed talking to her but sadly it ate up my intended time to write.. and frankly all my ideas seemed to go out the window too becuase I had a"fun fact" list of culture differences from Germany and USA and now I can't think of any of them! Oh well.
Things have been a bit rough recently, I've been struggling with motivation in everything really- updating, posting and organizing pictures, writing, exercising, eating better. I think some of it has to do with the fact that I am tired and also that I still don't really "feel at home" here. Don't get me wrong I get along great but I still feel that I am very much a visitor even though I am treated like a member of the family--yesterday the family took a day trip to a local amusement park and not only invited me along but paid for my entrance. My room is still
not completely done, functional but not done.
My grandmother passed away last week. Tuesday exactly, although I didn't get a call from my mother until late Wednesday evening, when the phone rang I knew it was my mother with the news even though my phone displayed unknown. Looking back however I think I knew that she was going to pass since I had been overly tearful that day and the day before. I drank black tea with sugar instead of my usual coffee and sweetener.. tea was always my grandma's favorite drink. I said my goodbyes to my grandmother before I left in May since it was likely she was not going to make the year, but I still felt there were some things left unsaid so I decided to write her a letter and have my mother read it to her, even though I knew she would not understand nor hear my mother since she had been in a semiconscious state for awhile now; I still felt there were things I needed to say. I went a few days before to the stationary store and picked out a pink card with a cat holding a heart, very typical of my grandmother. I wrote the card Tuesday morning, mailed it right away Tuesday afternoon and then that very same night she died.
I always thought experiencing my first death would be...different. I've cried, I have been, and am sad. I've cried while listening to certain songs, but its not how I thought I would be. I didn't cry when my mom told me until afterwards I was recounting the news to Cat. I feel horrible, but I think I cried more when Figaro died. I think its maybe becuase I felt that I had already lost my grandma to Alzheimer's. Everything that made up the Yaya that I knew had been slowly and painfully stripped away and while once in the rare while there were glimpses of what once was, it was never more than a split second.
I don't like feeling this way, because I feel as if I'm not properly grieving, but really is there a proper way to grieve?
Ididn't plan for this entry to turn out like this, and I debated for a while on whether to post it or not. I hope I am not being disrespectful
of my family for posting this here but I would greatly appreciate anyone support or helpful advice and/or comments. Sometimes its hard becuase I feel like I am so very isolated here.
Night ya'll