WIP Amnesty part 3

[achika_chan]

These are some of the longer ones. Superhero AU and The Denny's Court will both be getting their own posts.



“So I think I might be the Devil,” Sage said.

Ask That Guy looked at him suspiciously.

“I wiped Critic’s memory and accidently had him jump off a bridge,”

“That was you? I assumed he was just having one of his episodes,” Ask That Guy said non-committaly.

“And really, who else could it be?” Sage said.

He was dealing remarkably well for thinking that he was the lord of all evil. Of course, he had come to talk to Ask That Guy and he hadn’t done anything…Sage-like yet, so who could really tell?

“The real problem is that I don’t remember if I’m really the Devil. You’d think that’d be something you remember,” Sage said.

“Yes,” Ask That Guy agreed.

“So…you’ve met the Devil. Am I him?” Sage asked, raising an eyebrow.

Ask That Guy hummed in thought. “That is a very good question. The Devil I saw was much better looking but he could change shape. And you do have an evil presence. He hated the paperwork, so it’s possible he could have fled Hell and come to Earth, fed up. And being human would make it easier to hide from anyone wanting him to go back. So…no. You’re probably not the Devil,” Ask That Guy said, smiling around his pipe.

Sage laughed. “You’re so funny, Guy,”

Ask That Guy froze, recalling the last time someone had called him funny in that tone of voice, and shook his head to jump start it.

“Maybe… Maybe it would be best for you to avoid The Other Guy,” Ask That Guy said, steadying his voice.

Sage tilted his head, curious.

“If you think so,”

“I’m not…sure,” Ask That Guy said, thrown. He was always sure, even when he was making something up.

Sage shrugged, putting the whole conversation behind him. “What kinds of booze do you have back there?"



The worst part about alien invasions that you knew were coming was the waiting. Spoonette had called 80s Chick to warn her and her lounge singer and was surprised that she was immediately believed.

“Um, you have no idea what weirdness I have seen since moving here. We’re rooming with this wizard and an actual ninja, okay? Evil aliens soooooo do not faze us,”

But after that phone call there wasn’t really much they could do. The computers estimated that it would take a while for the ship to actually get there, and no one wanted to cause panic in case Insano was wrong and this wasn’t the evil overlord bent on conquering the world.

Insano spent most of his time trying to think of ways to defeat someone that he had absolutely no data on. All he had was ‘Capable of inter-dimensional travel through space, heavy duty shields, possible destroyer of worlds’ and that was not a lot to work with.

Spoonette had basically moved into the lab with Insano at this point. She’d stayed at her place for the first two days before Nurse had called her and said that Insano refused to sleep and was starting to ramble worse than usual. After that, Spoonette stayed at Insano’s, playing with SoI and distracting Insano from his work when it came time to take breaks for food and sleep and sanity.

“Alright, time for bed,” Spoonette said.

“Can’t,” Insano said, chewing thoughtfully on his pencil. “I’ve almost got this solved and if I stop now I’ll lose my train of thought and won’t be able to get it back,”

He scribbled and muttered to himself for a few minutes before sighing and rolling his neck and shoulders, trying to loosen them up so he could keep working. He was so close to getting this new weapon worked out.

Insano nearly jumped when he felt Spoonette’s hands on his shoulders.

“Relax,” She said, and began massaging. Insano sighed and closed his eyes, leaning into her touch.

“You are terribly distracting,” He said, groaning as she hit a particularly tense spot.
“Good,” she said, leaning over him to kiss his cheek.

He spun the chair around and pulled her into his lap. “I never could concentrate with you around. So exactly how distracting are you prepared to be?” He asked, hands on her hips.

She took his goggles off and set them on the lab table, grinning down at him.

“Very, very distracting,” She said, capturing his lips with her own and sparing a quick thought that she was glad Insano had invested in sturdy chairs for his lab.



Insano giggled to himself. Oh, this was perfect. Linkara was right there, in his house, sleeping like she didn’t have a worry in the world. This was an opportunity that he couldn’t pass up! Oh, but what to do? He couldn’t just kill her in her sleep. That felt like such an…anti-climax, unworthy of their epic battles.

He could always take her down to the lab, but getting her down two flights of stairs and restrained without waking her up would be too difficult, and he’d used up the last of his sedatives.

So if he couldn’t kill her, and he couldn’t experiment on her…he could still use this to his advantage. The idea struck him with sudden clarity. If he pretended to be Spoony he could gather valuable information that he could use later to ensure his total victory over that smug, magic using heroine.

It wasn’t hard, pretending to be Spoony. All it took was a quick change of clothes and a little lowering of his voice. His hair was already a mess. Just had to be a little careful with his mannerisms and wording and Linkara would never know the difference.

Insano began preparing breakfast for the two of them - that seemed like something the besotted fool sharing his body would do. He heard footsteps behind him and tilted his head back to see his arch nemesis in the doorway, yawning.

“Morning,” Insano said eventually.

“Hey,” Linkara said, smiling. She was in her pajamas - shorts and an oversized T-shirt. Seeing her without her jacket and hat was strange. Somehow she seemed…smaller. More fragile. Which was ridiculous. Insano knew exactly how fragile Linkara wasn’t, had beaten and pushed her with everything he could think of but never found her limit. But the feeling wouldn’t leave him alone and he didn’t like it.

“You’re actually cooking?” Linkara asked, looking confused.

“Hey, I can cook when I feel like it,” Insano said defensively. “I might be lazy about it, but having a pretty girl in my house is decent motivation,”

Linkara laughed. She raised her arms behind her head, stretching to shake off the last of the sleepiness. Insano watched the pull of her muscles, the shifting of her shirt and the pleased look on her face at the strain.

“You’re burning the bacon,” She pointed out, snapping Insano out of whatever had come over him.

He cursed under his breath and pulled the pan off the heat.

“Maybe I should stick to not cooking,” Insano said.

“Nah,” Linkara said, coming up behind Insano and snatching a piece of bacon out of the pan and eating it. “I like crispy bacon, and it’s not that burned,”

She was warm against Insano’s back. Somehow, in every fight they’d had, he’d never noticed how warm she was.

“Flattery will get you everywhere,” Insano said.

Linkara giggled and rested her chin on his shoulder, her hair brushing against his skin. She made a pleased noise.

“I’ve missed this,” she said.

“…Me too,” Insano said.

“God, you don’t even know how nice it is just to be able to relax and not worry about things for a while. Sometimes I just need everything to slow down for a bit,” Linkara confessed. She spoke quietly, like she wasn’t quite comfortable saying that out loud.

It was…unexpected. She always seemed so confident and capable whenever they encountered each other. Apparently she wasn’t as untouchable as she seemed.

Insano turned around and touched her face, frowning. Linkara leaned into it. “You don’t have to take on everything. It’s okay to be a little selfish,”

He didn’t know why he said it. Or why his thumb was sweeping small circles on her cheek. Linkara closed her eyes.

“You’re kind of awesome,” she said.

“I try,” Insano said, feeling something clench in his heart. He was still touching her.



In highschool, Spoony doesn’t pay attention to classes, instead thinking about games and D&D and Highlander to pass the time. His grades are decent, though, because Spoony can bullshit like a motherfucker in English class, and after passing out running the track in Gym he’d been given a lot of leeway. Math wasn’t bad, either, but Science was where he really shone.
His Science teacher is a moron, so Spoony doesn’t listen to him at all. He read the textbook once at the beginning of the year and just coasted the rest of the way. His teacher didn’t like him much and kept trying to trip Spoony up by asking ridiculously hard questions but Spoony always won those battles.

Spoony had been excited for Final Fantasy VIII. He’d liked VII, even if he was a little wary of the sudden influx of new fans. But VIII, VIII turned out to be worse than a letdown. Spoony actually had rage black outs, which had never happened before, but he finished it because he was stubborn.

He put it in his game chest and then tried to forget that it even existed.

That was actually when things started getting weird. Things were in different places than he left them, the Red Bull would disappear faster than he was drinking it, and sometimes - not very often - he would actually space out and not realize for minutes - once for a couple of hours - at a time. It was freaky, but Spoony just figured that he was being forgetful.
Until Spoony started hearing the voice.

It was so quiet, Spoony didn’t even realize it wasn’t his own brain voice at first. But it got louder over time. And it didn’t sound like his brain voice and talked to him, sometimes, real conversations.

One day some jerkoff was harassing Spoony about being a gay Satanist and then the next thing Spoony knew he was in the nurse’s office washing the guy’s blood off his hands while the nurse watched disapprovingly.

Spoony didn’t know what had happened, but the principal was all too happy to explain at length to Spoony’s parents while Spoony sat there, upset.

“Your son gave Jeffery a black eye, a broken nose, and a fractured rib! Jeffery’s parents are considering a lawsuit!”

I don’t remember. I don’t rememberIdon’trememberIdon’trememberwhydon’tIremember? Spoony thought, panicking.

Oh shut up, it’s just a black out. It was a little unnerving, but it’s nothing to cry over. the voice said, irritated and sleepy like it’d just been woken up.

Great, I can’t even get sympathy from my own brain. Spoony thought, burying his head in his hands.

I’m not here for sympathy.

The voice in my head is a dick, and I’m apparently legitimately insane. My life cannot get any better.

Spoony was sent to a therapist, but the meds didn’t make the voice go away. They did stabilize his moods a little though, which meant that he hadn’t had an actual black out since he started them.



Insano didn’t know what possessed him to buy the magazine in the first place. It wasn’t like he couldn’t find better stuff for free online. Nostalgia, maybe. Something about holding the glossy pages just reminded him of being younger and sneaking around.

He was flipping through the pages idly, starting to get into it when he got the centerfold. At first when he saw it, he didn’t believe his eyes. But he’d recognize those eyes and that smile anywhere. Apparently, even, in a porno mag.

It was definitely Spoonette.

“What,” Insano said flatly to himself, shutting the magazine and hiding the picture.

He stared at the ceiling, trying to make sense of it. What in Sagan’s name was Spoonette doing in a girly magazine? She’d gone out to California to try and be an actress, he knew, but that…that was very different than…

Insano glanced back at the closed magazine.



“What do you want?” the man asked. He’d only opened the door as far as the short chain would allow, and he was glaring suspiciously.

Linkara couldn’t blame him. This wasn’t exactly the best part of town.

“I’m here to ask some questions about some girls that have wound up dead,” Linkara asked. “I was pointed in this direction,”

When hookers wound up dead, it was usually a good idea to check on the neighborhood ex-con who’d been charged with the same and lived with his decidedly eccentric scientist of a brother.

“You a cop?” he asked.

“No. I work independently,” Linkara said.

He gave Linkara a once over before shutting the door. There was the slide of the chain being removed, and then the door opened again.

Linkara had seen pictures, but that hadn’t prepared him for seeing him in person. He really was good looking. No wonder all those girls had gone with him. Linkara wetted his lips and coughed awkwardly.

“Hello, Spoony. My name’s Linkara. I’m a private detective,” Linkara said.

“Well, are you going to come in?” Spoony asked.

Linkara entered the small house. There was a sharp, chemical smell.

“That smell comes from your brother’s lab? I assume it’s in the basement?” Linkara asked.

Spoony looked confused momentarily, before nodding. “I don’t even notice it anymore. It’s a bit like living with cats that way,”

It really was a small house. A living room, a kitchen, a bathroom, and the basement, and…only one bedroom that Linkara could see.

“You’re barking up the wrong tree. I don’t do that anymore,” Spoony said, and Linkara turned to him.

“The girls,” Spoony elaborated. “I don’t need it anymore. My brother’s made me better. So whoever you’re looking for, it’s not me,”

Curious. There was something about the way Spoony talked about his brother…

“I didn’t really think it was, but I had to at least ask. You do live in the neighborhood, though, maybe you saw something useful,” Linkara said. He wasn’t sure why he was trying to reassure Spoony.

“Maybe. Do you want anything to drink?” Spoony offered.

“No, thank you,” Linkara denied. “I’m fine,”

Spoony smiled wryly. “My reputation precedes me yet again,”

They moved to the living room, a cluttered but cozy place, clearly in use by two men with little care for cleaning up after themselves if something was just going to keep getting used.

It made it hard to remember that Linkara was sitting across from a murderer, no matter how reformed he claimed to be.

Linkara was just about to start asking questions when the door to the basement opened. Spoony’s brother was a recluse who experimented with Science in his free time and cheerfully took up the moniker of Insano, which had been bestowed upon him by suspicious and gossipy neighbors.

That was all that was really known about him, other than that he’d taken in his brother after everything with the courts. Spoony had said that Insano had made him better, but Linkara wasn’t sure how that was possible.

“I thought I’d heard voices up here,” Insano said. “Oh, and we’re going to need more baking soda and bananas,”

Spoony rolled his eyes but nodded. “I’ll make a note later. This is Linkara. He’s a private detective and he’s about to ask me about the recent prostitute murders,”

Insano’s eyes narrowed behind his goggles. “Really,”

“I just want to know if Spoony’s seen anything,” Linkara said.

“I’m sure,” Insano said.

“You forgot your goggles,” Spoony said to Insano, mostly to diffuse the tense situation.

Insano looked startled for a second and then took them off. There were subtle differences to their faces, Linkara noticed, and Insano’s eyes were greener than Spoony’s.

“He works for so long that he forgets that he’s even wearing them,” Spoony said dryly, turning back to Linkara.

Insano glared at Spoony, but it was mostly without venom.

Linkara had excused himself to the bathroom, mostly for the opportunity to do a little snooping. He’d been right in his earlier conclusion: there was only the one bedroom. Linkara would assume that Insano had a bed in the basement lab, but the room was very obviously lived in by two different people. Suddenly the strange way Spoony talked about his brother made sense.

Linkara wasn’t sure why it surprised him. Spoony was a murderer, and Insano an eccentric who didn’t care what society thought of him.

Linkara closed the bedroom door quietly, intent on heading back to the living room to finish asking questions. He turned in that direction only to run into something solid.

Spoony and Insano were standing behind him in the hallway, giving him mirrored amused looks.

“Caught you snooping,” Spoony said, smirking.

“I…I’m just doing my job?” Linkara offered.

Insano giggled, and Spoony snorted.

“So what did the bedroom tell you, detective?” Insano asked.

Linkara hesitated. “That the two of you are together, sexually at the least if not romantically as well, and have been for some time. There’s an ease about the way your things…exist within each other’s space that speaks of a deep connection. It’s almost…sweet, in a way, and the two of you rely on each other,”

Spoony raised an eyebrow. “You got all that from a quick glimpse at our dirty laundry on the floor?”

Linkara smiled slightly. “Not just that. The way you talk about him, and earlier in the living room…that helped make the connection,”

“And just what do you plan on doing about it, detective?” Insano asked.

The twins were staring at Linkara, and it felt like they could see right through him. Linkara swallowed dryly against the effect that the expectant gazes were having on him.

“Nothing,” Linkara managed eventually. “It’s none of my business, and it doesn’t hurt anyone,”

“It could be,” Spoony said.

“What?” Linkara asked.

“Your business. It could be your business, if you want,” Spoony said, giving Linkara an obvious once-over.

Linkara knew exactly why those girls had gone with Spoony. Because he was about to do the exact same thing.



It had been Phelous’ idea. Well, that wasn’t strictly fair. It had started as Phelous’ idea, and then the Critic had taken it and gone one step further because that was just how Critic worked.

It had been a good idea - perform gay marriages, increase tourism to Kickassia, profit. Linkara had been all for that plan.

But then Critic had gotten involved and decided that they needed an example to prove Kickassian commitment to Sparkle Motion or something like that. What they needed was a high profile government member to be the first to get married under the new regime, Critic said.

And of course, being a group consisting mostly of straight to bi-flexible men, most people turned to the two women, thoughts already running amok with images of two good looking women together.

Marzgurl and Chick had struck that idea down before any of the guys had worked up to saying anything about it.

“Alright, Alright,” Critic said, rubbing his jaw where Marzgurl had punched him. “We’ll get someone else to do it,”

And slowly, so slowly that Linkara hadn’t noticed at first, people began looking at him.

“Wait, what? Why me?” Linkara protested. “Why not Benzaie?”

Benzaie laughed. “I could not possibly be tied down, mon ami, I have too much love to give!”

“But why me?” Linkara asked again.

“A feminist guy who sticks up for gay people? You’re kind of queer, honey,” Chick said pleasantly.

Linkara’s score on the Kinsey scale was none of their business and had nothing to do with his politics, damn it. “That’s called being a decent human being!”

Spoony was laughing at him. “Good luck, man. I’ll be sure to get you a really awesome wedding present,” he said, giving Linkara a playful smack on the back.

Everyone else was suspiciously silent, and Spoony took one look at Critic’s face and shook his head desperately.

“Oh no you don’t. No, no, no, no no. I’m all about the pussy, remember?” Spoony said.

“But you two are already so close, it’d be perfect,” Critic said. “It’s for the good of the country, Spoony!”

“This is a terrible idea, Critic! You can’t do this to me, you know -“ Spoony said, but he stopped himself abruptly and glared.

He grabbed the Critic and dragged him to another room and slammed the door behind them. There was some yelling, mostly on Spoony’s end, but Linkara couldn’t make out what he was saying. It went on for a while, everyone else standing around awkwardly as their friends argued.

Eventually Critic came back, and Spoony trailed behind him looking upset but resigned. It wasn’t Spoony’s usual upset expression, either. He looked like his world had been torn down around him, and Linkara couldn’t help but wonder what Critic had said to him.

“For Kickassia,” Spoony said quietly, not meeting anyone’s eyes.

Once Spoony had given in, there was really nothing Linkara could do. So he agreed, reluctantly, and Chick had clapped her hands together gleefully and said not to worry, that she would take care of everything.

It was all very sudden, and it left Linkara feeling kind of lost. And it was made worse by the fact that he could only imagine what Spoony must be feeling because Spoony refused to talk to anyone. Or at least he was refusing to talk to Linkara. He was pretty sure that he had heard Spoony and Benzaie having a hushed conversation late one night.

Spoony obviously wasn’t handling the situation well, Linkara could see that even if Spoony wouldn’t talk to him. Spoony was jumpy, twitchy, paler than normal, and stretched too thin. Linkara was almost afraid to speak to him out of fear that he’d break Spoony.

“What did you say to Spoony to get him to go along with this madness?” Linkara asked Critic.

“Oh, nothing. Blah blah blah good of the country, blah blah blah another check over Insano’s actions, blah blah blah at least it’s not Sage blah blah blah more good of the country. You know, the usual,” Critic said distractedly, not even looking away from the episode of Family Matters.

Linkara tried to make sense of what he just heard. “What does Insano have to do with anything?”

“The whole ‘My alternate personality is the arch nemesis of the guy you want me to marry’ thing was a big hurdle, but I convinced him eventually,” Critic said.

When Linkara didn’t reply, Critic finally looked over at him. Linkara’s face must have showed what he was feeling, because Critic actually looked concerned.

“You…did know that Insano was an alternate personality of Spoony’s, didn’t you?” Critic asked, surprisingly sympathetic, reminding Linkara that Critic wasn’t a complete asshole, just 98% asshole.

“…Of course I did,” Linkara lied. “I mean, it’s obvious, isn’t it?”

Linkara was thinking back to every fight he’d ever had with Insano. It was obvious now, and he couldn’t believe he’d never seen it. Every time Insano had known something he shouldn’t have, every time Spoony had shied away…

He’d never held back in his fights with Insano. Had he hurt Spoony by doing that? Did Spoony wake up bruised and battered and not know why? Or worse, maybe he did know. Maybe he remembered Linkara hurting him and being powerless to stop it. Maybe…

He had to talk to Spoony. Immediately.

He found Spoony outside playing with the stomp rocket and recording data, looking calmer than he had for a while. Linkara watched him for a while before he worked up the courage to break the moment of peace.

“Hey, Spoony. How’s the Science today?” Linkara asked, trying to keep his voice light.

Spoony jumped, startled, and whirled around. He was wearing that blue ‘When I play doctor I play to win,’ T-shirt. Linkara had thought it was funny, the first time he’d seen it, like lots of Spoony’s T-shits were funny. It wasn’t so funny anymore.

“Linkara, hey,” Spoony said.

They were silent for a long moment. Linkara tried to think of a way to break the awkwardness and broach the subject gently.

“I’m sorry,” Linkara blurted out. Spoony looked confused.

“About what?” Spoony asked, and this was already the longest conversation they’d had since they’d agreed to Critic’s crazy plan.

“If I ever hurt you when Insano and I fought, for this entire situation. Everything,” Linkara said weakly.

Spoony was frozen to the spot, looking for all the world like a deer caught in the headlights.

“You…know? About Insano?” Spoony asked, voice high pitched with panic. His breath was coming out in sharp fearful wheezes that he was trying desperately to control.

“Critic told me,” Linkara said, walking closer and putting a hand on Spoony’s back.

Spoony flinched a little but didn’t move away, so Linkara counted that as a win and rubbed circles on Spoony’s back, trying to be comforting.

“I’m going to kill him,” Spoony said in between harsh breaths.

Linkara shook his head. “Don’t. He didn’t mean to. Come on, breathe with me,”

Spoony calmed after a minute, and looked at Linkara questioningly. “You’re okay with this?”

“It’s weird, I won’t lie. But you’re still Spoony, and still my best friend. If I let something like this come between us, what kind of friend would I be?” Linkara asked.

Spoony laughed. “What’s a little trying to take over the world between friends, right?”

“Exactly. Though I guess this makes the whole getting married thing even more awkward,” Linkara said.

Spoony’s expression turned serious. “If you want to stop this, I’m pretty sure Critic will let you. You shouldn’t have to be saddled to a crazy person for the rest of your life,”

Linkara wasn’t exactly enthusiastic about the arrangement, but Spoony didn’t deserve to be tossed aside or think that he was crazy.

“You’re a lot saner than a lot of things in my life,” Linkara said.

“That’s because your life is fucking weird,” Spoony said, but he was smiling slightly.

“Look who’s talking,” Linkara said.

They’d figure this out.

Settling the Insano Thing only got rid of one of the issues plaguing Kickassia. Spoony seemed much more relaxed, though he was still a little on edge.

No, the most pressing problem was Chick and her wedding plans. She was so enthusiastic about it, it was kind of creepy. It was a little like she’d lost her mind since the invasion, though to be fair that could be said of just about anyone.

So Linkara could not be blamed for ducking into a closet to avoid her when he heard the clip-clop of her shoes.

Unfortunately, the closet was already occupied.

“Spoony? What are you -?” Linkara whispered.

Spoony pressed his hand to Linkara’s mouth to keep him from talking.

“Shhh, she’s coming!” he hissed, and Linkara nodded in understanding.

Spoony removed his hand and put a finger over his own lips as a signal to stay quiet before leaning forward slightly to hear into the hallway better.

It was a small closet. One person hiding in there would have been okay, but two people meant that they had to be pressed close together. It was awkward. Spoony was warm, and it was familiar for all that they’d never done anything together. The scent of Spoony’s shampoo was everywhere.

Linkara swallowed and looked away, turning his head to the side and closing his eyes.

Spoony sighed after a long moment and sagged a little against Linkara.

“I think she’s gone, I can’t hear her. I just didn’t feel like deal…Linkara?” Spoony asked, looking at Linkara curiously. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I -“ Linkara said.

Suddenly the door opened behind Linkara, sending him stumbling backwards. He grabbed for Spoony to steady himself, and Spoony reached out to keep him from falling.

“You two are adorable,” Chick said, crinkling her nose and grinning. “Hiding in the closet like teenagers. Now come with me, boys, we’ve got a wedding to discuss!”

“But we really -“ Spoony started.

“Need a few more minutes to ourselves. If you, um, understand,” Linkara said desperately. If Chick agreed and let them be, they could get away and find other hiding spots. Spoony seemed to get where Linkara was going with it, because he nodded quickly.

Chick wasn’t fooled though, and her smile never wavered but something about her shifted. Her eyes hardened.

“Now,” She said, and Linkara and Spoony had no choice but to follow.

“We’ve got so much to discuss!” Chick said happily before beginning to talk about the wedding plans.

“I tried,” Linkara mouthed to Spoony behind Chick’s back.

“I know,” Spoony mouthed back, shrugging helplessly.

Insano appeared giggling and twitching like the madman he was, and Linkara tried not to let his discomfort show. When Insano saw Linkara, he grinned widely.

“Linkara, light of my life, you needed me?”

“Stop that,” Linkara said. Insano pretended to look wounded.

“Why, whatever do you mean, hero of my heart? We’re engaged after all!”

Insano burst into full on laughter at that, eventually calming and wiping away a few stray tears with a sigh. “Oh, this whole situation is just priceless. Now I believe some said something about deposing a dictator?”



“So hey, how’s Insano doing?” Chick asked.

Spoony frowned, confused. “He’s fine. Why?”

“Well, I just heard about his Night Job from Critic, and I thought I’d ask. You know, to be supportive,”

Spoony was justifiably feeling weirded out by the conversation. Chick going out of her way to be nice was strange on its own, especially about Insano, but what did she mean by Night Job?

“Night Job?” Spoony asked.

“The whole hooking on the street corner for money thing?” Chick said, seeming to realize that she and Spoony weren’t on the same page.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Spoony asked.

“Critic said that Ask That Guy ran into Insano working the streets,” Chick said.

“And you believed that?” Spoony asked, feeling vaguely relieved. Ask That Guy was a liar, there was no way that he was telling the truth about that.

“Ask Linkara, apparently he was there,” Chick said.

“He’s online right now, I’m pulling him into the chat,” Spoony said.

“Hi Spoony, Hi Chick. What’s up?” Linkara asked when he joined them.

“Is Insano a hooker?” Spoony asked. “Because that’s the rumor going around,”

Linkara went kind of pale and looked away from his webcam nervously.

“Where did you hear that?” Linkara asked.

“Doesn’t matter. So you’re saying it’s true? And you knew?” Spoony accused.

Linkara didn’t say anything for a long time. “You should talk to Insano, I don’t want…”

“Yeah, I’m just gonna go and let you two work this out,” Chick said before disconnecting from the chat.

“I don’t think I can talk to you right now. I need to think about this,” Spoony said to Linkara, disconnecting as well.

How in the fuck had Spoony not realized what Insano was doing at night? Well that was easy, he thought, he hadn’t ever thought about it. He’d just assumed like a jackass and thought that Insano was doing some mad scientist thing. And he’d never wondered where the rent money came from? He was pretty sure this made him a legitimately terrible person.

Spoony hated feeling like a terrible person.

Spoony found Insano down in the lab, and took a moment to look at all the equipment and supplies that Insano had. It couldn’t have been cheap, and with the constant repairs and the constant getting his inventions broken to pieces by Linkara…shit, that added up real fast.

Insano’s son was on the lab table his dad was working at, observing carefully as Insano did something delicate with some wires.

“There you go, it’s all fixed. Go play,” Insano said, shooing his son and handing him his repaired toy that Spoony knew for a fact had been ridiculously expensive that past Christmas.

SOI bounced in excitement and scampered off upstairs.

“Can I help you?” Insano asked Spoony, once SOI was gone.

“You know I wouldn’t kick you out, right?” Spoony asked.

Insano’s eyes narrowed in suspicion. “What’s brought on this sudden bout of generosity? Are you sick?”

“I’m not sick,” Spoony huffed in irritation. “It’s nothing. Just…forget about rent, okay?”

“Oh for the love of -! Linkara told you, is that what this is about?” Insano asked. “I am going to murder him,”

“Hey, no! It wasn’t Linkara, okay? It was The Chick. And she heard it from Critic, who heard it from Ask That Guy. And she didn’t know that I didn’t know. So no murdering anybody, okay?” Spoony said.

“I make no promises,” Insano said darkly. “And you can just fuck off with your ‘forget about the rent’. I don’t need or want your pity.



“I just had the most awkward conversation with my parents,” Linkara said.

“Oh yeah?” Spoony asked, intrigued.

Linkara sprawled on the couch and sighed. “They kept asking me questions about boys, and if I was seeing anyone, and I could tell them if I was, and did I use protection? I think they had convinced themselves that I’m dating one of my roommates,”

“Well you do live with all guys,” Spoony said.

“I kind of knew that, but thanks,” Linkara said with a roll of her eyes.

“I’m just saying, it’s not that crazy a thought. Are you really saying that you’ve never fooled around with any of them?” Spoony asked.

Linkara pulled a face. “90s Kid is like 17, Spoony, that’s just gross,”

“I was more talking about Harvey,” Spoony said.

Linkara shook her head. “Nope, never. I’m pretty sure he’d be down for it, but it’d be weird, don’t you think?”

Spoony felt himself relax.

“Ninja Style Dancer, on the other hand…” Linkara said and laughed when the pencil in Spoony’s hand suddenly snapped.



Spoony did not like Harvey Finevoice. He was a smooth talker, and Spoony had done enough of that himself to know that people like Harvey Finevoice shouldn’t be trusted.

It had nothing to do with the fact that Harvey lived with Linkara, and fought beside her, and casually flirted with her all the time.

So when Spoony was stuck, alone, with Harvey Finevoice while Linkara finished up some last minute edits, Spoony could barely keep the dislike off his face.

Harvey didn’t seem bothered by the obvious hostility, just took another puff of his cigarette and smirked at Spoony.

“You move too slow, kid,” Harvey said. And that was another thing about him Spoony didn’t trust - he was way too old to be hanging out and living with a girl Linkara’s age.

“What the hell does that mean?” Spoony asked.

Harvey grinned. “It means that if you don’t make a move for her, someone else will,”

“That someone being you,” Spoony said.

Harvey shrugged. “Maybe. You never know, is my point. Maybe the Critic’ll catch her, or that Suede guy. She won’t wait forever, and a dame like that shouldn’t have to,”



Linkara jerked up from her dozing position on the couch at the sound of a loud explosion coming from Spoony’s basement.

“What was that?” She asked.

Spoony frowned, putting down his playstation controller.

“Whatever it was, it didn’t sound good,” he said, and the two of them made their way to the basement door.

The basement itself was much larger than it should have been, and every time Linkara asked about how Insano had pulled that off he just muttered something about pocket dimensions and things being bigger on the inside and Linkara had decided that she really didn’t need to know all the complicated details of it, though she did keep dropping hints to get Insano to build a TARDIS that she could then steal from him ‘for the greater good’.

“Insano? You okay?” Spoony called.

“Yes! Yes, I’m fine! There’s no need for you to -“ Insano yelled back, and there was something not quite right with his voice.

When Linkara opened the door to investigate further, a thick plume of pinkish smoke came billowing out. It smelled spicy and kind of sweet at the same time. Linkara closed her eyes as she breathed it in, and she felt Spoony shiver slightly beside her.

Spoony groaned, and the entered the lab properly. “Oh fuck you, Insano. Seriously?”

“I told you I was fine! There was no reason for you to come down here and become exposed to it,” Insano said, and Linkara could hear the lab’s exhaust fans working hard to clear the pink smoke. Insano looked harried and flustered and not at all intimidating. He was practically pouting at them, and it was kind of adorable.

“Yeah, sure. And just where would that have left you? Burning up on your own?” Spoony said scornfully.

“I would have been fine! There are…ways to deal with the effects and…I can’t believe you brought her down here!”

“I was afraid I’d have to lug your heavy ass to your bed, of course I was going to bring in a second pair of hands. And she’s here now, might as well deal with it,”

“Yeah, I’m still here, by the way, so you can stop talking around me and tell me what’s going on now, thanks,” Linkara said.

“Just a little mishap. The two of you can go now,” Insano said.

“A mishap with what?” Linkara asked. “What makes pink smoke?”

She hadn’t noticed when Spoony had grabbed her hand, but she definitely noticed the pleasant tingling emanating from where he was touching her.



Linkara was kind of freaking out on the inside. But in a good way. Because The Spoony One was right in front of him. Linkara hadn’t told his parents that he was meeting with Spoony, because they probably would have freaked out at him. But there was no way Linkara was going to pass up the opportunity.

He’d sent Spoony his video as a lark, he’d never thought that Spoony would actually watch it, let alone think it was any good, or any funny. But Spoony had replied with a lot of praise and mentioned that he was actually going to be out Linkara’s way soon and did he want to meet and talk?

Of course Linkara did. So they’d met up, and they’d talked about movies and games and the Internet and producing shows and then Spoony had given him this look and ran a teasing hand down Linkara’s arm and leaned in close like he was going to kiss Linkara but he stayed just that little bit away, like he was taunting him, and asked another question. Linkara struggled to think of an answer, but he was rewarded with a kiss.

Linkara had somehow found himself on the Casting Couch, and his parents would probably be ashamed of him, but Linkara couldn’t bring himself to regret it. It was Spoony, the guy that Linkara had been crushing on ever since he’s discovered his show. And Spoony kept talking the entire time, whispers and teases of how Good Linkara was, and how Funny, and Smart, and he Understood, didn’t he? Spoony talked about how much Potential Linkara had, and how the people would love him and…

Linkara couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t think, could only feel and accept what Spoony was giving him.

Linkara had a new light behind his eyes when Spoony took him to meet the Critic for the first time.

“Oh, I remember you!” Critic said, grinning and shaking Linkara’s hand. “You submitted to the Ask That Guy contest. We really liked your stuff,”

Critic gave Spoony an approving look when Linkara stood a little bit taller under the praise.

“Good work, Spoony,”

Insano was a problem. He was stubborn, and smart, and did not Believe, which made him dangerous.

He was also Spoony.

Critic had confided that information in Linkara when he’d first been brought into the Family that was Channel Awesome.

“Spoony wasn’t well when we met,” Critic said, shaking his head. “He was committed to the cause, but he was also fucked up in the head. And as much as we tried, we couldn’t heal him all the way. Insano resents us for even trying,”

And Insano seemed to dislike Linkara most of all, which didn’t make sense, and had made it his mission to try and destroy everything that Linkara and the others stood for.



Linkara ran around the corner only to just barely avoid being hit with a blast of energy.

“Spoony!” She yelped in surprise at seeing her undead boyfriend waiting for her. “Oh Spoony, I’m so sorry. I don’t have any Phoenix Downs!”

The Black Lantern shrugged and began to step forward menacingly. “Fine with me. You and I are going to have a lot of fun with this. Now stand still and let me have your Flesh,”

“Spoony wait! I…” She had to distract him somehow. “I’m pregnant!”

“… what?” Spoony asked, tilting his head as her words soaked in. Great, he was distracted. Now if she could just get him angry enough…

“And it’s not yours!” Linkara said quickly. “It’s Harvey’s! Or maybe Critic’s. It was a weird weekend and that’s not the point,”

Spoony was still staring at her, and she could see the rage building behind his eyes.

“Science is for pussies who can’t handle Magic!” Linkara said, spouting anything she could think of, and maybe that would awaken Insano in the dark recesses of Spoony’s mind. Maybe that would penetrate whatever was in the way and keeping Insano locked down tight, and Insano could throw the undead presence out of their mind. And then she thought of it, the mother lode of all Berserker Buttons. “You’re in my way!” she yelled, wincing to herself even as she said it.

And then Spoony yelled with a rage even Linkara had never heard from him, and he tore the ring off his hand. She saw the tendril like roots disappear back into the ring, and Spoony’s hand was bleeding. He was returning to normal.

“Oh thank god,” Linkara said, relieved. “I really wasn’t sure that would work,”

Spoony was glaring at her, hands clenched like he wasn’t sure if he wanted to strangle her or punch her.

“I am not in your god damn way!” Spoony snapped. “Are you really pregnant? Because I really want to hit you right now but I can’t hit a pregnant lady,”

She heard a noise from the living room, which reminded her rather abruptly that Mechakara was still in the house too.

“Okay, really quickly, No, I’m not really pregnant I just said that to buy time and make you angry enough to take the ring off, I’m glad you’re back and I love you but I have to go deal with the killer robot version of me in the living room right now, so just go sleep off being a zombie and I’ll kiss you ‘hello’ later,” Linkara said.

And then Linkara ran back to the living room to take on Mechakara.

“You are a terrible person!” Spoony yelled after her.



“I would appreciate it,” Insano said through gritted teeth, staring Linkara down through the view screen, arms crossed. The intimidating effect he was obviously going for was slightly ruined by SOI riding on Oreo’s back in the background. “if you would keep your pet scientist away from my family,”

“What?” Linkara asked, confused.

“Linksano,” Insano said slowly, like Linkara was stupid and hadn’t realized who Insano had meant. “You know, that two-bit imitation hack you hired?”

“That wasn’t what I was ‘what?’-ing,” Linkara said, rolling his eyes. “Linksano’s been bothering you guys?”

That didn’t seem right. Yeah, Linksano wasn’t exactly fond of Insano most of the time, but he’d been on his best behavior since he’d joined the team. Linkara honestly didn’t think Linksano would want to jeopardize what he had by antagonizing anyone.

Insano let out an annoyed huff. “Well, he’s certainly bothering me, though Newton knows Spoony seems to be having a grand old time,”

“I’m confused,” Linkara said.

Insano sighed. “Of course you are. I suppose you haven’t noticed Linksano randomly disappearing?”

“Ah, no, actually,” Linkara said, embarrassed. “I just assumed he was locked in his lab. He tends to do that,”

“Well, he’s been coming over here, at all hours of the day and night, and trying to…to court Spoony or something,” Insano said disgustedly. “It’s sickening. Spoony could do much better and they have nothing in common,”

Linkara’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline. Spoony’s fondness for guys was no secret, even when he claimed to be ‘all about the pussy’, but Linksano was a different story. In fact, from what Linkara could gather from Linksano’s mumblings when he thought he was alone and the bits of his past he’d willingly volunteered, Linkara had been pretty sure that Linksano was still hung up on some girl from his own dimension.

Considering that they hadn’t been able to establish communications with Linksano’s home universe, it was probably a good thing he was moving on.

“That’s…good for them?” Linkara said, a little thrown.

“Good for them?” Insano shrieked. Oreo barked somewhere in the lab in response. “Are you kidding me, hero?”

“It’s a little weird, I’m not going to lie,” Linkara said. More like a LOT weird, he thought, but he wasn’t going to admit that to Insano. “But if they’re happy, then there’s really nothing you can do,”

“Oh, I could do something alright,” Insano muttered darkly. “But that would just get you on my case again. Can’t you just…ban Linksano from dating Spoony?”

“I won’t do that,” Linkara said. If he took away one of Linksano’s few connections to this dimension, Linkara would feel like a complete and utter tool.

“Bah, you’re no help!” Insano said, throwing his hands up in defeat and exasperation. “I can see you won’t be on my side for this. Clearly I should have asked someone else,”

“Wait, what do you mean someone el-“ the call was disconnected abruptly. Linkara groaned.

“Damn it, Insano,” Linkara said to the blank viewscreen. He had the feeling that he should warn Linksano and Spoony about what just happened.



Note: I got stalled on this, and then Snipe said she got inspired by the plot bunny and I told her to run with it, so...yeah.

Spoony sprawled out on Linkara’s couch. He reached down to pet Oreo so that she wouldn’t jump up to try and join him.

“I know you’re probably not into clubs after what happened last time, but I really need your help on this one,” Spoony said. “They need someone to find out what’s happening to some of the ‘clients’ at The Black Ankh,”

“Oh no,” Linkara said, holding up his hands to shield himself from the suggestion. “No, I’m done with undercover work and I’m done with clubs. Can’t one of your teammates help you?”

“You know what kind of club that is, right?” Harvey asked Linkara, raising an eyebrow at him.

Linkara looked confused for a moment. “Wait. You mean that Black Ankh? The -“

“The hardcore S&M club? Yeah,” Spoony said. “So you understand why I’d rather have you in there with me than Reynolds now, right?”

Linkara sighed. “Yeah. Crap. Fine, I’ll do it,”

“Do you guys need an In? Because I can get you in no problem,” Harvey said.

There was a thud from the kitchen where 90s Kid was studying. Oreo barked at the sudden noise.

“Sorry!” 90s Kid yelled, looking supremely embarrassed when he poked his head around the corner. He was avoiding looking at Harvey. Spoony tried not to laugh. The teenager’s idolization of /crush on Harvey was kind of cute, in a hilarious way. “I, um, dropped my book,”

He’d clearly been eavesdropping on them.

“That’d be great, Harvey,” Spoony said, drawing attention back to the matter at hand.

When they got to the Black Ankh they were almost immediately approached by a man with brown hair and a big smile.

“You’re Harvey’s cousin, right? He told me to look for you,” he said.

“And you’re Tony,” Linkara said. “Harvey mentioned you,”

“That’d be me. I hope Harvey only told you the good stuff,” Tony said.

“Actually, he said that you’d try to hit on me, and that I was free to shoot you if you did,” Linkara said dryly.

Tony put his hand over his heart and sighed dramatically.

“You Finestein boys know just how to break a guy’s heart,” he said with a dramatic sigh, but his lips were quirked up at the sides like he couldn’t keep the smile in. “C’mon, let’s get you two inside,”

Spoony fidgeted nervously, fingers brushing the collar around his neck. It was uncomfortable, and made him feel like he was on display. Which was the point, he supposed, but still.

There was a sharp tug at the leash connected to the collar, and Spoony’s fidgeting stopped immediately, his hands dropping to his sides.

“Stay still,” Linkara said with a slight, fond smile, but there was steel behind the command.

“You are enjoying this too much,” Spoony muttered.

Linkara tightened his grip on the leash and smirked when Spoony’s eyes followed the movement.

“I’m not the only one,” he said. "Now get on your knees,"

Spoony complied without even thinking about it.



The first memory that he has of Spoonette, she was about 5 years old. Little Wayne and Oscar Schlupmer were playing with magnifying glasses in the front yard when the little blonde girl who’d just moved into the house next door started yelling that she hated it there and wanted to go back to where they’d moved from.

Wayne and Oscar watched, as discreetly as little kids could, as she cried when her parents tried to tell her that they weren’t going to go back.

“Girls are weird,” Oscar said. Wayne nodded, and the two of them went back to investigating things.

Wayne sees Spoonette a few tables over in the library. He’s a teacher’s assistant this period, and the teacher he’s assisting has their free period, which means that he and Wayne are always in the library at this time, grading papers and making copies. This is also when Wayne gets a most of the homework that he hadn’t finished in class done.

Spoonette’s frowning down at her textbook, chewing on the end of her pencil. She looks frustrated.

They’re in the library, which means she can’t yell at him, so he walks over to her table.

“Hi Spoonette,” he says awkwardly. She rolls her eyes, and doesn’t look up from the Chemistry homework she’s trying to figure out. “Um…do you need help? The teacher didn’t…really do a good explaining things…”

Spoonette snorts. “Like, total understatement, Schlumper,” she says, more friendly than Wayne had expected. Maybe it’s the opportunity to rag on a teacher. “I have no idea what I’m even looking at,”

“It helps if you have some of this stuff programmed into your calculator,” Wayne admits.

“Schlumper!” Spoonette says, gleefully scandalized. “I didn’t know you had it in you,”

“It’s not like I can’t do it longhand, buuuuuut it saves a lot of time,” Wayne says with a shrug and a slight smile. “I could…give you some of the programs and show you how to do these problems. If you want,”

Spoonette gives him a grateful smile. “Thanks. My mom’s, like, totally on my case about my grades, you know? Like I can help it that math and stuff is hard. I did way better Freshman year when we had biology,”

“Don’t thank me yet. I’m only going to do this on one condition,” Wayne says.

“What’s that?” She asks warily.

“You can’t tell anyone you got the programs from me. Then everyone would want them,” Wayne says.

Spoonette laughs and makes a zipping motion over her lips. “Your cheating ways are safe with me, Schlumper,”

Wayne can’t fool himself into thinking the calm will last anymore when he comes home late one night and finds Spoonette in the family room, sobbing. She looks up when she hears him, and tries to wipe away the tears but it doesn’t really help.

“Spoonette, what’s wrong?” he asks gently, kneeling beside her.

“Nothing!” She said, and cries harder. “Nothing’s wrong so I don’t know why - Why am I not happy, Wayne?”

Wayne sighs and wraps an arm around her. He can hear Solomon giggle quietly in his sleep through the baby monitor.

“Tell me about your day,” He says.

Spoonette tells him about taking Sol to the park and feeding the ducks, and how they went to the grocery store after and she ran into her favorite professor from college, who’d taught some of the theater classes she’d taken. And they’d talked about what Spoonette was doing since she’d graduated - her professor had been surprised that Spoonette hadn’t gone on and tried to act, and Spoonette had ruffled Sol’s blond hair and said that she didn’t have the time. And they’d went their separate ways after the professor had given Spoonette her email and then Sol and Spoonette had dinner and watched some TV while they colored and practiced letters and then it had been Sol’s bed time and she’d tidied up a little and then just started crying and couldn’t stop.

Wayne kissed her temple - that was the extent of the comfort he could give.

“We’ll think of something,” he said.