Labyrinth
This is the first time I've journaled in a very long time. I think that's because every since everyone moved to MySpace it's been blogging. Everything I wrote became less personal and more for other's entertainment. And once everything move to Facebook that was the end of trains of thought altogether. But here I am, drinking my wife's wine. I am sure she'll be annoyed in the morning to find it empty, but I'll buy her another one - so unless she plans on hitting the bottle really early - no harm, no foul.
Every six months or so I go on IRC, just to remember why I left. Perhaps this is similar to the way people store away letters from ex-lovers from bitter breaks, and read them from time to time. What I can't get past is why I always feel like something is missing. I am wondering if it some kind of illusion.
I always feel like I am trying to get back to something - before the fall - before I went crazy. I always feel like there is some ability, some quality I lack that I can't recover. I always feel like I'm "trying to get back to zero" as a guy I knew used to say - to the baseline - to the beginning.
I left the dojo because I felt like I needed to get closer to that. I came home one night and spontaneously sat at the piano and tried to work out a piece that had been collecting dust on my sheet stand for years. As I did this I felt alive in a way I hadn't in a long time. I don't know if it's a blind alley, but I feel like some kind of mystery of my mind, of who I am is locked away and maybe this is the key.
But what do I do if it's not? What if there is no further back? What if there is no going back? What if what I have is not a memory, but an imagining of a time that never existed? What then? When the many go back to the one, where does the one go?
Every six months or so I go on IRC, just to remember why I left. Perhaps this is similar to the way people store away letters from ex-lovers from bitter breaks, and read them from time to time. What I can't get past is why I always feel like something is missing. I am wondering if it some kind of illusion.
I always feel like I am trying to get back to something - before the fall - before I went crazy. I always feel like there is some ability, some quality I lack that I can't recover. I always feel like I'm "trying to get back to zero" as a guy I knew used to say - to the baseline - to the beginning.
I left the dojo because I felt like I needed to get closer to that. I came home one night and spontaneously sat at the piano and tried to work out a piece that had been collecting dust on my sheet stand for years. As I did this I felt alive in a way I hadn't in a long time. I don't know if it's a blind alley, but I feel like some kind of mystery of my mind, of who I am is locked away and maybe this is the key.
But what do I do if it's not? What if there is no further back? What if there is no going back? What if what I have is not a memory, but an imagining of a time that never existed? What then? When the many go back to the one, where does the one go?