The Legend of Leather Skin
Ok, so once when I was a kid, there was this woman who we called Leather Skin because she tanned so much. She always wore these hideous white short shorts, likely to accentuate her tanned legs. Her hair was that wonderful 80’s bleach blonde colour, where it’s kind of frizzy and curly and piled on top of your head, and reminds you of a banana or something.
As a kid I didn’t understand the concept of tanning beds. Actually most people didn’t, seeing as Fabutan has only existed since 1979, and by the time the late 80’s and early 90’s hit, tanning wasn’t yet popularized. In fact, it’s probably like the bottle water of the 2000’s. “What? Why buy water/sun when you can just turn on the tap/go outside?” Seeing as I didn’t understand tanning beds, I didn’t understand how in the middle of the cold dark Canadian winter, this woman still wore here white short shorts, and was so incredibly golden.
And I hated it. Mainly because she was really mean and would yell at kids if they “accidentally” kicked her yorkie crossed with a rat dog. (I mean, seriously it was an accident!) Her meanness, I figured in my kid brain, was in direct correlation with her tan. The more tanned she got, the bigger of a b*tch she became. Only I didn’t use that word, because after all, I was only 8 or 9. So I said something else like “what a dumbo!” or “She’s really stupid!” Those are fighting words.
Years passed, and I forgot all about ol’ Leather Skin. Then one day, in my mid twenties my sister mentioned her. “Remember ol’ Leather Skin?” I nodded, as the memories instantly flooded back. “Well you should see how old she looks! As if she’s at least twenty years older than she actually is. Her leather skin seriously is like the cracked leather coat Dad had before the cat ruined it in 1989 when she peed on it”.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that Leather Skin resembles a cat-pee coat. But also not saying she doesn’t…
Years passed.
I became pious. I would never tan. I would always remain pale. Pale is the new tan you know.
And then something dreadful happened. I went to Mexico and got a sunburn. This was during a time in my life when I wasn’t feeling particularly good about myself. I had low self esteem, and was caught in a bad marriage. It seemed to cycle itself out of control. The more miserable in the relationship I became, the less I cared about taking care of myself, the less attractive I became, the lower my self esteem, the more miserable in the relationship I became. And then that beautiful glorious sun burn turned into a beautiful glorious tan. And suddenly I started to feel a tiny bit better about myself. Flash forward six months and I was legally separated. Now I’m not saying, that a tan made me get divorced. At least, I hope that isn’t the message I’m trying to send…
Moving on.
A few years passed, and everytime I went on vacation I would try to tan a little bit. This was a noticeable turn around from when I would use SPF 190 to protect myself, along with a small army to shoot down UV rays. But now, was I welcoming the sun?
Last summer my best friend got married. Before her wedding I actually succumbed and used tanner. I still felt pious because it wasn’t ACTUAL sun, but fake sun. Sun from a bottle, that still counts as avoiding the eventual fate of Leather Skin right?
When I look back on the photos from my best friend’s wedding (not the movie) I look a kind of golden colour I had never before in my life achieved. And I’m not going to lie, part of me felt a little bit like a movie star (at least when I’m not in the photos RIGHT beside my modelesque BFF.)
Now here is where it gets all AA like, and I stand up and admit a deep dark secret.
I.
Went.
Tanning.
Recently.
Like in an actual bed with the actual bulbs, while I fumbled around fearing that the lights would fall out of the lid or that I’d be trapped in the UV coffin forever. But the worst part is that I LIKED it.
I promised myself I would just go and try it out. When I got to the counter this conversation occurred:
Me: Hi, I’d like to try out tanning.
Tanned Receptionist (whom will hereafter be referred to as TR): Hi!!!!
Me: Uh…hi? Again. Uh…I’d like to try out tanning.
TR: Are you a regular customer of Fabutan?
Me: Nope. That’s why I said I’d like to try it out. You know.
TR: Ok, where do you normally tan?
Me: Um.
TR: Like, do you use other companies, or just the sun?
Me: The sun?
TR: Oh….
Me: So, I’d like to try maybe 5 minutes for my first time.
(SILENCE)
TR: Like, 5 minutes isn’t that long.
Me: I’m pretty fair, so you know…
TR: Ok, well I guess I’ll sign you up in our system.
Me: Oh, do you have to? Maybe I could pay for the 5 minutes, and then see if I like it.
TR: Well, we have tanning packages you should take a look at first. Cause you know, it’s like cheaper to buy more minutes. It costs less.
Me: Well, technically it doesn’t cost less. I mean you’re paying $50 less if you buy the medium package, but if you average it out it costs less per minute if you buy the bigger package.
TR: What?
Me: Uh…I’ll buy the highest possible package. 500 minutes.
(WHAT?!?!! DID I JUST PURCHASE TANNING MINUTES? DID I JUST PURCHASE 500 OF THEM? WOULDN’T IT TAKE LIKE, 30 000 YEARS FOR ME TO USE THAT MANY MINUTES?)
TR: Ok, awesome. So uh, if you’re going to tan, you have to have protective eye wear.
Me: Do sunglasses work?
TR: No silly. You have to buy tanning glasses. We happen to have some here.
Me: Ok, I’ll buy some.
TR: Awesome. Also you should buy tanning lotion. Because if you tan without it, it’s like brushing your teeth without toothpaste.
Me: Good simile.
TR:What?
Me: Ok, nevermind, I’ll buy some lotion too. But maybe I’ll just get it at shoppers drug mart on my way home, and bring it next time.
TR: Oh, ours is WAAAAAAAAAAAY (insert 4 syllables into the word way) better. Cause like the carotene totally makes you tan more. And it’s bogus!
Me: Woah, you said Bogus! That’s an awesome 1992 word! Ok I’m sold!
And then it hit me. I had committed myself to 500 minutes. Protective Eye Wear. And Tanning Lotion.
This is more commitment than I plan on making in my marriage. (Ok, honey if you read this, I really meant that last comment quite lightly. I plan on committing to you fully.)
I drove home dismally gripping the steering wheel, grimacing at my fate of Leather Skin. Then alternately I would suddenly have a swell in my heart at the thought of tan golden skin, the warm tanning bed and the sweet sweet sounds of usher as he blasts through the tanning bed speakers.
I am addicted.
I am the future Leather Skin.
This is some sort of Karma cyclical fate that I deserve all because I kicked her Yorkshire Terrier once.
So basically, I just wanted to warn you of what I’m soon to become. Because I can’t stop, and I probably won’t until I get onto some awful TLC “My Secret Addiction With 8 Kids and 19 Wives” kind of show.
But you know what, I think I’ve kind of accepted it all. At first I was numb and in shock to the fact that I was a tanning addict. I lived in shame for the last two weeks, not wanting to admit that I craved the UV light. But now, I think I’m ready to accept myself. I’m ready to go on Oprah with others like myself, so that we can rid ourselves of the shame.
I’m ready to admit it.
I am Leather Skin.
As a kid I didn’t understand the concept of tanning beds. Actually most people didn’t, seeing as Fabutan has only existed since 1979, and by the time the late 80’s and early 90’s hit, tanning wasn’t yet popularized. In fact, it’s probably like the bottle water of the 2000’s. “What? Why buy water/sun when you can just turn on the tap/go outside?” Seeing as I didn’t understand tanning beds, I didn’t understand how in the middle of the cold dark Canadian winter, this woman still wore here white short shorts, and was so incredibly golden.
And I hated it. Mainly because she was really mean and would yell at kids if they “accidentally” kicked her yorkie crossed with a rat dog. (I mean, seriously it was an accident!) Her meanness, I figured in my kid brain, was in direct correlation with her tan. The more tanned she got, the bigger of a b*tch she became. Only I didn’t use that word, because after all, I was only 8 or 9. So I said something else like “what a dumbo!” or “She’s really stupid!” Those are fighting words.
Years passed, and I forgot all about ol’ Leather Skin. Then one day, in my mid twenties my sister mentioned her. “Remember ol’ Leather Skin?” I nodded, as the memories instantly flooded back. “Well you should see how old she looks! As if she’s at least twenty years older than she actually is. Her leather skin seriously is like the cracked leather coat Dad had before the cat ruined it in 1989 when she peed on it”.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that Leather Skin resembles a cat-pee coat. But also not saying she doesn’t…
Years passed.
I became pious. I would never tan. I would always remain pale. Pale is the new tan you know.
And then something dreadful happened. I went to Mexico and got a sunburn. This was during a time in my life when I wasn’t feeling particularly good about myself. I had low self esteem, and was caught in a bad marriage. It seemed to cycle itself out of control. The more miserable in the relationship I became, the less I cared about taking care of myself, the less attractive I became, the lower my self esteem, the more miserable in the relationship I became. And then that beautiful glorious sun burn turned into a beautiful glorious tan. And suddenly I started to feel a tiny bit better about myself. Flash forward six months and I was legally separated. Now I’m not saying, that a tan made me get divorced. At least, I hope that isn’t the message I’m trying to send…
Moving on.
A few years passed, and everytime I went on vacation I would try to tan a little bit. This was a noticeable turn around from when I would use SPF 190 to protect myself, along with a small army to shoot down UV rays. But now, was I welcoming the sun?
Last summer my best friend got married. Before her wedding I actually succumbed and used tanner. I still felt pious because it wasn’t ACTUAL sun, but fake sun. Sun from a bottle, that still counts as avoiding the eventual fate of Leather Skin right?
When I look back on the photos from my best friend’s wedding (not the movie) I look a kind of golden colour I had never before in my life achieved. And I’m not going to lie, part of me felt a little bit like a movie star (at least when I’m not in the photos RIGHT beside my modelesque BFF.)
Now here is where it gets all AA like, and I stand up and admit a deep dark secret.
I.
Went.
Tanning.
Recently.
Like in an actual bed with the actual bulbs, while I fumbled around fearing that the lights would fall out of the lid or that I’d be trapped in the UV coffin forever. But the worst part is that I LIKED it.
I promised myself I would just go and try it out. When I got to the counter this conversation occurred:
Me: Hi, I’d like to try out tanning.
Tanned Receptionist (whom will hereafter be referred to as TR): Hi!!!!
Me: Uh…hi? Again. Uh…I’d like to try out tanning.
TR: Are you a regular customer of Fabutan?
Me: Nope. That’s why I said I’d like to try it out. You know.
TR: Ok, where do you normally tan?
Me: Um.
TR: Like, do you use other companies, or just the sun?
Me: The sun?
TR: Oh….
Me: So, I’d like to try maybe 5 minutes for my first time.
(SILENCE)
TR: Like, 5 minutes isn’t that long.
Me: I’m pretty fair, so you know…
TR: Ok, well I guess I’ll sign you up in our system.
Me: Oh, do you have to? Maybe I could pay for the 5 minutes, and then see if I like it.
TR: Well, we have tanning packages you should take a look at first. Cause you know, it’s like cheaper to buy more minutes. It costs less.
Me: Well, technically it doesn’t cost less. I mean you’re paying $50 less if you buy the medium package, but if you average it out it costs less per minute if you buy the bigger package.
TR: What?
Me: Uh…I’ll buy the highest possible package. 500 minutes.
(WHAT?!?!! DID I JUST PURCHASE TANNING MINUTES? DID I JUST PURCHASE 500 OF THEM? WOULDN’T IT TAKE LIKE, 30 000 YEARS FOR ME TO USE THAT MANY MINUTES?)
TR: Ok, awesome. So uh, if you’re going to tan, you have to have protective eye wear.
Me: Do sunglasses work?
TR: No silly. You have to buy tanning glasses. We happen to have some here.
Me: Ok, I’ll buy some.
TR: Awesome. Also you should buy tanning lotion. Because if you tan without it, it’s like brushing your teeth without toothpaste.
Me: Good simile.
TR:What?
Me: Ok, nevermind, I’ll buy some lotion too. But maybe I’ll just get it at shoppers drug mart on my way home, and bring it next time.
TR: Oh, ours is WAAAAAAAAAAAY (insert 4 syllables into the word way) better. Cause like the carotene totally makes you tan more. And it’s bogus!
Me: Woah, you said Bogus! That’s an awesome 1992 word! Ok I’m sold!
And then it hit me. I had committed myself to 500 minutes. Protective Eye Wear. And Tanning Lotion.
This is more commitment than I plan on making in my marriage. (Ok, honey if you read this, I really meant that last comment quite lightly. I plan on committing to you fully.)
I drove home dismally gripping the steering wheel, grimacing at my fate of Leather Skin. Then alternately I would suddenly have a swell in my heart at the thought of tan golden skin, the warm tanning bed and the sweet sweet sounds of usher as he blasts through the tanning bed speakers.
I am addicted.
I am the future Leather Skin.
This is some sort of Karma cyclical fate that I deserve all because I kicked her Yorkshire Terrier once.
So basically, I just wanted to warn you of what I’m soon to become. Because I can’t stop, and I probably won’t until I get onto some awful TLC “My Secret Addiction With 8 Kids and 19 Wives” kind of show.
But you know what, I think I’ve kind of accepted it all. At first I was numb and in shock to the fact that I was a tanning addict. I lived in shame for the last two weeks, not wanting to admit that I craved the UV light. But now, I think I’m ready to accept myself. I’m ready to go on Oprah with others like myself, so that we can rid ourselves of the shame.
I’m ready to admit it.
I am Leather Skin.