Really grown-up all over again
My parents moved to Tucson on Saturday. I've known this was coming for 9 months now, but it still hit me like a ton of bricks over the past few weeks. It amazes me how much I have grown to depend on them again. Mostly in a friendship way, but also in a mommy and daddy way. I grew somewhat apart from them when I moved out of their house 6 months after college graduation. I was living in Lincoln Park and working for a consulting firm downtown and was very independent just because of the distance. Then, I took a job in the suburbs and moved to an apartment 5-10 minutes from their house. I saw them a lot more often...it was nice. I was living on my own as a single girl without a lot of friends in the area, so it was only natural that we would spend more time together. Then I met my boyfriend in April 2004 and moved in with him in November 2004. Suddenly I was a lot busier. They were still close by but the relationship waxed and waned. In September 2004, on the day we were going out to dinner for my birthday, they told me that my dad accepted a job with a company in Tucson and they were moving next summer. He was going to do a weekly commute or telecommute until then. I was devastated. I was so happy that he found a job since he had been out of work for a while, but really uncertain about what it meant for my life. My best friend had moved to Cleveland and my other friend moved to San Diego, so I was feeling pretty alone already. This led to me clinging to my boyfriend in a somewhat unhealthy way.
Over the 9 months in between the news and the move, I grew really close to my parents again. We spent a lot of time together. The honeymoon portion of my relationship was over so there was more room for space and other interests. We had a comfortable adult relationship, but I was still their little girl. They were always there for me in whatever I needed. Advice, helping repaint my apartment when I moved, lunches and dinners, catsitting...
I said my goodbyes over the past week, both to the house and the rest of my immediate family. The house was in our family for 19 years. It's where I have a lot of memories, even though I haven't lived there continuously since I was 13. It was home, unlike my apartments or the townhouse I live in now with my bf. I guess home is where your family is. My mom, dad, and almost 16 year old sister caught a plane on Saturday morning along with their 2 cats. My 21 year old sister leaves for France for 6 months this Thursday. I have a ton of extended family in the area but somehow it just isn't the same. I always related to my extended family through my parents.
This morning I realized that I'm back to making it on my own, like in college and in Lincoln Park. It's a little bit different this time since I have my boyfriend and 2 cats in my life, but he isn't my family, not yet, though I fervently hope that someday he will be. I feel like there's a big missing piece right now. Sure, I can talk to my family on the phone, but I can't call them up and say, "what are you doing for dinner?" I can't bring my dad with to cheer me on at my softball game. I can hop on a plane and go visit them in AZ and swim in their pool, but I'll never float in the little above-ground pool looking out on Rte. 83 again, staring at the grassy spot where my swingset used to be. As my dad said, I still have the memories, even though the house is no longer ours. Somehow it's just not the same. A new family is moving in on July 8th. I don't know if I can handle that. I know most people experience this a lot, this just happens to be my first time.
How do I make my current house my home? It belonged to my boyfriend before I knew him so it's not like something we picked out together. I adore the house, but it still doesn't feel like mine. I haven't finished unpacking. Maybe if I do that and get everything in order there will be more of a sense of permanence. As long as there are no family ties here, I don't know if I'll ever feel that way. I've started going to my church again and that's helped a little bit. It's not continuity, but it has been a constant in my life, even though I only went twice a year with my family. My life has been incredibly chaotic ever since my grandmother died (funeral stuff, cat had emergency surgery, saying goodbye to parents). It should be going back to normal now...but still I feel lost.
Over the 9 months in between the news and the move, I grew really close to my parents again. We spent a lot of time together. The honeymoon portion of my relationship was over so there was more room for space and other interests. We had a comfortable adult relationship, but I was still their little girl. They were always there for me in whatever I needed. Advice, helping repaint my apartment when I moved, lunches and dinners, catsitting...
I said my goodbyes over the past week, both to the house and the rest of my immediate family. The house was in our family for 19 years. It's where I have a lot of memories, even though I haven't lived there continuously since I was 13. It was home, unlike my apartments or the townhouse I live in now with my bf. I guess home is where your family is. My mom, dad, and almost 16 year old sister caught a plane on Saturday morning along with their 2 cats. My 21 year old sister leaves for France for 6 months this Thursday. I have a ton of extended family in the area but somehow it just isn't the same. I always related to my extended family through my parents.
This morning I realized that I'm back to making it on my own, like in college and in Lincoln Park. It's a little bit different this time since I have my boyfriend and 2 cats in my life, but he isn't my family, not yet, though I fervently hope that someday he will be. I feel like there's a big missing piece right now. Sure, I can talk to my family on the phone, but I can't call them up and say, "what are you doing for dinner?" I can't bring my dad with to cheer me on at my softball game. I can hop on a plane and go visit them in AZ and swim in their pool, but I'll never float in the little above-ground pool looking out on Rte. 83 again, staring at the grassy spot where my swingset used to be. As my dad said, I still have the memories, even though the house is no longer ours. Somehow it's just not the same. A new family is moving in on July 8th. I don't know if I can handle that. I know most people experience this a lot, this just happens to be my first time.
How do I make my current house my home? It belonged to my boyfriend before I knew him so it's not like something we picked out together. I adore the house, but it still doesn't feel like mine. I haven't finished unpacking. Maybe if I do that and get everything in order there will be more of a sense of permanence. As long as there are no family ties here, I don't know if I'll ever feel that way. I've started going to my church again and that's helped a little bit. It's not continuity, but it has been a constant in my life, even though I only went twice a year with my family. My life has been incredibly chaotic ever since my grandmother died (funeral stuff, cat had emergency surgery, saying goodbye to parents). It should be going back to normal now...but still I feel lost.