A Post- post.
[2004-10-22: re-edited to add a cut and to unprotect... hi, L-! (and friends) if you discover this. Let me know if you'd rather it reprotected or removed or whatever]
And a relationship changes. Last evening, I called L- after I got back from my counselor. Well, as usual, I was caught a bit flat-footed. I didn't defend myself as well as I would have liked. All the insight happens 15-30 minutes after the phone call ends.
the things I wanted to say
I want(ed) to say I called your friend J- because I was trying to figure out how you tick, how to approach you while you were knocked out with a cold, how to make better time with you. I wanted to say I did say thank you for getting the tickets, I did appreciate the effort and your thought. I was just complaining in a more [general sense (?)(added 2004-10-22)]. And I'm sorry, I do act like a freak and stuff [ah, fuck], and I see I *was* complaining too much, but never about being with you or about your friend's getting tickets for us or the idea in general. When she told me she thought I didn't believe her when she said she was sick, I wanted to say, I guess I came across that way by going "oh really" and such, but of course I believed you were sick. You had a bad cough. You looked as though you were sick (tired and worn out), you didn't feel well when you got that fever and I felt you and you were sweaty and burning up. Of course I said you sounded as though you slept well [when she hadn't at all and said she coughed all night], because for some freak reason, the 3 times I woke up to use the bathroom or just plain woke up, you weren't coughing at all. So forgive me for taking my observations and trying to be positive. I actually was more observant than you know. I did manage to say "I think you read too much into some of my actions." I did say "I was asking you if there was something I could do for you." Oh I wonder if I had actually done the dishes for her (as I wanted to), if I had just gone ahead and made tea, if I hadn't gotten her anything for xmas instead of an unappreciated, somewhat off-putting (it turned out) gift1. or something: you can see I do spend a little too much time in my head (see below).... but who knows, I look back and think, I guess this wasn't in the cards to begin with, we were postponing the inevitable breakup. But I had had anxiety about this relationship until I thought one time, well, she isn't full into this relationship either right now, we haven't come to the point of "so what does this all mean" sort of thing. When I would try to bring up where things stood with M-e-, for example, it turned out M-e- would state lower expectations about our time together and told me just to relax and enjoy our time. So, that was what I was trying to do with L-. But when she's spending many hours on her back (with illness) and (it turns out) she couldn't stand the last time she was with me (I can see her points, even if I am picky about details), well, a gal gets to thinkin'. And I'm with her on that, why prolong the frustration.
I had lots of ideas of what to do for her, but as usual with me, I was always waiting for a word from her. Waiting on signals that I'm not that adept at finding. Especially since whenever I tried to do something for her, I would often be dismissed (however politely). So, goodbye lover-time. It is not as though that's a fun experience for me to live through either. But we're both good folk, and she can be much fun to be around. She's way smart, too, which is always a .
I don't have much of an offense/initiative in a relationship, but I have really good defense. Ach well. I really want to break up for right reasons, whatever those are, and I guess there were some she gave. Like how I am on another planet when it comes to communication (generally true). I spend too much time in my head (true). I'm more dream-y. And I admit I was playing a fool occasionally and cognizant of that and trying to change (but who can). I mean, I don't want to be in my head all the time either. My turn for a right reason: when she is looking for excuses to break up and I am trying to get past my shortcomings, my missteps. (Are those attempts tied in to my desire to please others' wants/needs in a relationship instead of mine? I don't know. I thought I was trying to do both.) And so I wonder if she would have rather broken up earlier than last night. Certainly signs were there.
Well, it's late, I have had a split sleep shift tonight (10:30 - 2), I need to be up in 3 hours, G- is upstairs in the bathroom making awful noises I wish I were asleep for, and I am in fact, tired. Good day to all.
P.S. Oh, and that Swatch auction that I emailed 3 of you about? Sure enough (I can hear Sarah's warnings), it went sour, and R- denied my payment and griped about how I don't tell her to run her auctions and do not bid on my auctions, in ALL CAPS. So I put my tail between my legs and re-sent payment with the disputed amount and said I'd leave positive feedback. It's just about the most I can do at this point. If she accepts, we move on, I get my Swatch, she her rating, I no longer bid on her stuff. She declines, and I save $ on something I don't really need and I leave a neutral rating and no longer bid on her stuff, and we deal with it from there.
So we can see clearly there's sometimes a disconnect in my communications with others, eh...
1And I was talking to my counselor about how she must prob. eventually perceive that hey, I spend $ on a Swatch (which was gift $) and look as though I'm doing ok financially but I got her a punk gift (which was all the money I had at the time (I limped into xmas)); so I said to the counselor how I want to take her out or get her something more meaningful. Well, as you can see, it turns out she wasn't thinking that at all, but still...
And a relationship changes. Last evening, I called L- after I got back from my counselor. Well, as usual, I was caught a bit flat-footed. I didn't defend myself as well as I would have liked. All the insight happens 15-30 minutes after the phone call ends.
the things I wanted to say
I want(ed) to say I called your friend J- because I was trying to figure out how you tick, how to approach you while you were knocked out with a cold, how to make better time with you. I wanted to say I did say thank you for getting the tickets, I did appreciate the effort and your thought. I was just complaining in a more [general sense (?)(added 2004-10-22)]. And I'm sorry, I do act like a freak and stuff [ah, fuck], and I see I *was* complaining too much, but never about being with you or about your friend's getting tickets for us or the idea in general. When she told me she thought I didn't believe her when she said she was sick, I wanted to say, I guess I came across that way by going "oh really" and such, but of course I believed you were sick. You had a bad cough. You looked as though you were sick (tired and worn out), you didn't feel well when you got that fever and I felt you and you were sweaty and burning up. Of course I said you sounded as though you slept well [when she hadn't at all and said she coughed all night], because for some freak reason, the 3 times I woke up to use the bathroom or just plain woke up, you weren't coughing at all. So forgive me for taking my observations and trying to be positive. I actually was more observant than you know. I did manage to say "I think you read too much into some of my actions." I did say "I was asking you if there was something I could do for you." Oh I wonder if I had actually done the dishes for her (as I wanted to), if I had just gone ahead and made tea, if I hadn't gotten her anything for xmas instead of an unappreciated, somewhat off-putting (it turned out) gift1. or something: you can see I do spend a little too much time in my head (see below).... but who knows, I look back and think, I guess this wasn't in the cards to begin with, we were postponing the inevitable breakup. But I had had anxiety about this relationship until I thought one time, well, she isn't full into this relationship either right now, we haven't come to the point of "so what does this all mean" sort of thing. When I would try to bring up where things stood with M-e-, for example, it turned out M-e- would state lower expectations about our time together and told me just to relax and enjoy our time. So, that was what I was trying to do with L-. But when she's spending many hours on her back (with illness) and (it turns out) she couldn't stand the last time she was with me (I can see her points, even if I am picky about details), well, a gal gets to thinkin'. And I'm with her on that, why prolong the frustration.
I had lots of ideas of what to do for her, but as usual with me, I was always waiting for a word from her. Waiting on signals that I'm not that adept at finding. Especially since whenever I tried to do something for her, I would often be dismissed (however politely). So, goodbye lover-time. It is not as though that's a fun experience for me to live through either. But we're both good folk, and she can be much fun to be around. She's way smart, too, which is always a .
I don't have much of an offense/initiative in a relationship, but I have really good defense. Ach well. I really want to break up for right reasons, whatever those are, and I guess there were some she gave. Like how I am on another planet when it comes to communication (generally true). I spend too much time in my head (true). I'm more dream-y. And I admit I was playing a fool occasionally and cognizant of that and trying to change (but who can). I mean, I don't want to be in my head all the time either. My turn for a right reason: when she is looking for excuses to break up and I am trying to get past my shortcomings, my missteps. (Are those attempts tied in to my desire to please others' wants/needs in a relationship instead of mine? I don't know. I thought I was trying to do both.) And so I wonder if she would have rather broken up earlier than last night. Certainly signs were there.
Well, it's late, I have had a split sleep shift tonight (10:30 - 2), I need to be up in 3 hours, G- is upstairs in the bathroom making awful noises I wish I were asleep for, and I am in fact, tired. Good day to all.
P.S. Oh, and that Swatch auction that I emailed 3 of you about? Sure enough (I can hear Sarah's warnings), it went sour, and R- denied my payment and griped about how I don't tell her to run her auctions and do not bid on my auctions, in ALL CAPS. So I put my tail between my legs and re-sent payment with the disputed amount and said I'd leave positive feedback. It's just about the most I can do at this point. If she accepts, we move on, I get my Swatch, she her rating, I no longer bid on her stuff. She declines, and I save $ on something I don't really need and I leave a neutral rating and no longer bid on her stuff, and we deal with it from there.
So we can see clearly there's sometimes a disconnect in my communications with others, eh...
1And I was talking to my counselor about how she must prob. eventually perceive that hey, I spend $ on a Swatch (which was gift $) and look as though I'm doing ok financially but I got her a punk gift (which was all the money I had at the time (I limped into xmas)); so I said to the counselor how I want to take her out or get her something more meaningful. Well, as you can see, it turns out she wasn't thinking that at all, but still...