"We'll have Halloween on Christmas"
Well, it's officially Christmas. Merry Christmas to all...or Happy Holidays for the Politically Correct-Minded...or non-Christmas celebrators....though I'm fairly certain all of you celebrate the fat red-suited man holiday. Anyway, this is the eagerly *cough* awaited "real" post I've been threatening...umm promising.
There is so much I'd love to tell, but I can't. That is part of the reason I've been so scarce around here. I've become even more private in my old age. That and somethings just shouldn't be shared in a public forum, and quite honestly, some of it shouldn't even be shared in a f-list only forum. Sorry. But you all wouldn't care about any of that anyway...it would be TMI. Not that I don't commit the TMI sin on a regular basis, but that stuff isn't of the same nature.
So, let's see, where to start...I'm completely sick of school and really really really don't want to write my thesis. I need to start writing my thesis ASAP...when I get back to Blacksburg I'll start on it. I hate being here with my family. The house is nice, it's been great spending time with my cats, and I like having things bought for me, but I cannot get along with my parents at all this year. And that's the weird part, I mean I've never been close with either parent but I used to get along with dad better than mom, now I can't get along with either of them. I think part of it is that I've gotten so used to being on my own, that they get on my nerves asking me where I want to go, what I want to do, when I want to do it. I just want to not think about school for a bit, is that too much to ask? do I have to want to go out all the time? blah blah blah etc. I did make a damn good cheesecake...I'll add that to my resume of things I make that are good.
I'm heading back to Blacksburg on Friday. I would like to head back sooner, but I told my parents I'd stay til friday, so i'm staying til friday. This part of Louisiana is pretty much a dump....off base that is, the base is like any other base, though the house my parents have is probably the nicest house we've ever had. I've almost completely unpacked the boxes in my room...I wasn't going to since I'll either be taking all that shit with me somewhere eventually, or they'll be moving it again, but when i went looking for the two or three things i wanted to find to take back with me, I discovered that rummaging through boxes would be more work than just unpacking everything. Basically the packing company did a horrible job. I go through a box marked "books" and find it only has one book in it...in addition to the book i found: a computer game, a pen (yes, just one pen), some picture frames, a stuffed animal, cd cases, and a piece of tape. Other boxes had random items from various parts of my room...I basically remembered where things were in my old room, so i'd go through a box of stuff, thinking oh, this is the stuff that was in the cabinet next to my bed, only to find desk items mixed in, and the desk was on the other side of the room. oh well...at least nothing's missing....well except my desk, which they broke.
I'm trying to think if there's anything else, relevant, pertinent, or just plain interesting to share while i'm updating you on my oh so interesting existence. I have no idea what i'm going to do with myself in may. It's so wierd, i've been in school for so long, i have no idea what to do now that i'm not going to be in school anymore. I'd like to do something related to my field, you know just incase i decide not to go for PhD, or, more likely, don't get accepted into a PhD program. This way i'm at least doing something. I've been considering getting certified to teach, but I know i won't be happy teaching in secondary schools. So why bother, the kids deserve someone who wants to teach them...though there's one guy in the program who wants to teach high school who really has no business teaching others (in my humble opinion), but then again, the SOLs in VA are so restricting that maybe, just maybe, he'd manage to not fuck up their education anymore than it already is. I also don't know anyone anywhere to even get my foot in the door with anything else. I do know that if I can't find anthing else, I have a guaranteed position at Coldstone. but that won't pay nearly enough to live off of. but it'll be something if i'm still running around with my head cut off when i graduate....luckily i've been saving 1/2-3/4 of my paychecks so that i'll have some money to help out with rent/food/god knows what else for the first couple months, probably only for the first month or two, since if i'm not in school I get cut off completely...i'll have to pay car insurance, health insurance (assuming I can get insurance, if the job i get doesn't provide it), other grown-up type fees and so on....i'm really not looking forward to this. I just want too curl up in a ball and ignore it. I don't want to deal with it. I'm quite comfortable in the academic bubble....if it weren't for the fact that i'm completely burnt out on the course work, and really need to take time to breathe and not deal with it. Not deal with feeling like i'm an academic fraud, like i really don't belong, like i'm really no better than the aforementioned guy in the program, like i am, in fact, worse than he is intelligence and success-wise,and so on. There are good moments, moments where i feel like i actually belong...but they are few and far between. and becoming more scarce. maybe things will get better when i start really working on my thesis...though i know better than to get my hopes up. this coming semester is going to be very lonely, very depressing, and just plain awful. I'm not looking forward to it at all. I am looking forward to TAing again, that was fun, a ton of work, and tiring with all of the grading coming in the last month, but i did enjoy it for the most part. But when i think about the future, the things i need to be thinking about, the things everyone keeps asking me about, I just want to curl up and cry. Because I just don't know. I don't know what I want, since the things I really want are not available to me at this moment. hopefully I'll get the things I really want eventually, but for now I must continue to do without.
I guess that's enough of my babble...
I hope you all have good holidays, stay safe in your travels.
There is so much I'd love to tell, but I can't. That is part of the reason I've been so scarce around here. I've become even more private in my old age. That and somethings just shouldn't be shared in a public forum, and quite honestly, some of it shouldn't even be shared in a f-list only forum. Sorry. But you all wouldn't care about any of that anyway...it would be TMI. Not that I don't commit the TMI sin on a regular basis, but that stuff isn't of the same nature.
So, let's see, where to start...I'm completely sick of school and really really really don't want to write my thesis. I need to start writing my thesis ASAP...when I get back to Blacksburg I'll start on it. I hate being here with my family. The house is nice, it's been great spending time with my cats, and I like having things bought for me, but I cannot get along with my parents at all this year. And that's the weird part, I mean I've never been close with either parent but I used to get along with dad better than mom, now I can't get along with either of them. I think part of it is that I've gotten so used to being on my own, that they get on my nerves asking me where I want to go, what I want to do, when I want to do it. I just want to not think about school for a bit, is that too much to ask? do I have to want to go out all the time? blah blah blah etc. I did make a damn good cheesecake...I'll add that to my resume of things I make that are good.
I'm heading back to Blacksburg on Friday. I would like to head back sooner, but I told my parents I'd stay til friday, so i'm staying til friday. This part of Louisiana is pretty much a dump....off base that is, the base is like any other base, though the house my parents have is probably the nicest house we've ever had. I've almost completely unpacked the boxes in my room...I wasn't going to since I'll either be taking all that shit with me somewhere eventually, or they'll be moving it again, but when i went looking for the two or three things i wanted to find to take back with me, I discovered that rummaging through boxes would be more work than just unpacking everything. Basically the packing company did a horrible job. I go through a box marked "books" and find it only has one book in it...in addition to the book i found: a computer game, a pen (yes, just one pen), some picture frames, a stuffed animal, cd cases, and a piece of tape. Other boxes had random items from various parts of my room...I basically remembered where things were in my old room, so i'd go through a box of stuff, thinking oh, this is the stuff that was in the cabinet next to my bed, only to find desk items mixed in, and the desk was on the other side of the room. oh well...at least nothing's missing....well except my desk, which they broke.
I'm trying to think if there's anything else, relevant, pertinent, or just plain interesting to share while i'm updating you on my oh so interesting existence. I have no idea what i'm going to do with myself in may. It's so wierd, i've been in school for so long, i have no idea what to do now that i'm not going to be in school anymore. I'd like to do something related to my field, you know just incase i decide not to go for PhD, or, more likely, don't get accepted into a PhD program. This way i'm at least doing something. I've been considering getting certified to teach, but I know i won't be happy teaching in secondary schools. So why bother, the kids deserve someone who wants to teach them...though there's one guy in the program who wants to teach high school who really has no business teaching others (in my humble opinion), but then again, the SOLs in VA are so restricting that maybe, just maybe, he'd manage to not fuck up their education anymore than it already is. I also don't know anyone anywhere to even get my foot in the door with anything else. I do know that if I can't find anthing else, I have a guaranteed position at Coldstone. but that won't pay nearly enough to live off of. but it'll be something if i'm still running around with my head cut off when i graduate....luckily i've been saving 1/2-3/4 of my paychecks so that i'll have some money to help out with rent/food/god knows what else for the first couple months, probably only for the first month or two, since if i'm not in school I get cut off completely...i'll have to pay car insurance, health insurance (assuming I can get insurance, if the job i get doesn't provide it), other grown-up type fees and so on....i'm really not looking forward to this. I just want too curl up in a ball and ignore it. I don't want to deal with it. I'm quite comfortable in the academic bubble....if it weren't for the fact that i'm completely burnt out on the course work, and really need to take time to breathe and not deal with it. Not deal with feeling like i'm an academic fraud, like i really don't belong, like i'm really no better than the aforementioned guy in the program, like i am, in fact, worse than he is intelligence and success-wise,and so on. There are good moments, moments where i feel like i actually belong...but they are few and far between. and becoming more scarce. maybe things will get better when i start really working on my thesis...though i know better than to get my hopes up. this coming semester is going to be very lonely, very depressing, and just plain awful. I'm not looking forward to it at all. I am looking forward to TAing again, that was fun, a ton of work, and tiring with all of the grading coming in the last month, but i did enjoy it for the most part. But when i think about the future, the things i need to be thinking about, the things everyone keeps asking me about, I just want to curl up and cry. Because I just don't know. I don't know what I want, since the things I really want are not available to me at this moment. hopefully I'll get the things I really want eventually, but for now I must continue to do without.
I guess that's enough of my babble...
I hope you all have good holidays, stay safe in your travels.