143 Reflections
Skip to the last 2 paragraphs before the song lyrics if you really don't feel like reading this rather lengthy update, those are really the point of all of this
So I noticed not too long ago that I haven't made use of this thing in months. My attempt to use it as a method to record my exploits in Asia proved a dismal failure as I ended up doing too much (in too many places without internet access) to do the experience justice. Suffice to say, if you really want to know details about how awesome the summer was, feel free to ask me.
So for those of you who don't know, I was a member of the More 2 Life retreat team for this past semester (and hopefully the next semester). The retreat itself took place just recently from November 10-12. I've really got to say, I truly believe that for the rest of my life I think that I'll be able to look back on my M2L experiences as a true turning point in my life.
For ages after high school, I believed that I'd finally escaped from home and from ever having to do anything even remotely religious again (aside from having to take some stray humanities classes). To date, I've never been to a mass at UD, and originally I scoffed at the concept of religious retreats. I suppose if nothing else, I've learned the value of two things. Irony, and providence. The irony I believe is obvious, but providence is such an elusive concept. Just as a sidenote: I'm still not what you would call religious, so it's somewhat of a slippery concept to me. I first heard about M2L when Jama returned from the retreat second semester of sophomore year. I didn't really give it much thought at the time, but she seemed really revitalized after coming back. I didn't give it another thought for another year until I found myself in the counseling center struggling with my despression second semester last year. I found an application holder pinned to a bulletin board inside, and I decided to pick one up. I went to my then weekly meeting with Becky Cook (who Chris, Ingrid, and Alex pointed me to) and told her that I was considering going. She highly recommended it and told me that she regularly speaks to the retreat team preceding the retreat. I would later find out that the application holder was placed in the counseling center by the wonderful Liz Tracy, who I had the pleasure of befriending and leading with. Finding exactly what you need (whether you know it or not) from unexpexted sources exactly when you need it...If that's not providence, I don't know what is.
Hmm...so back to the present (or at least the more recent past). Leading M2L was...nothing short of incredible. I was assigned the job of cook for the retreat, so I spent more time in the kitchen than I would have liked (as opposed to getting to know the retreatants), but it's certainly something that needs to be done. At first I was somewhat uncomfortable, as I usually am in group situations, but after everyone loosened up some...wow. I'm not normally one of the most smiley people. I mean, my expression is usually pretty neutral no matter how I'm feeling. But for those 48 hours in Glen Helen, I could not stop myself from smiling. Literally, the only times I stopped smiling was then the muscles in my cheeks began to give out and twitch.
I still struggle to put to words how I feel about everything that happened. Along with my job as a cook, I also delivered a 10ish minute talk that detailed my previous experiences and my suicide attempt last semester in the form of entries from my personal journal(Zre, I'll send you that copy of the text when I figure out where I saved it). Preparing, anticipating, and finally giving that talk was possibly one of the most nervewracking experiences of my life. And the next morning, one of my magic performances in front of everyone would be a part of the morning prayer. Performance anxienty be damned. But after the fact, I felt like huge burdens had been lifted from me. And at the end of the weekend, I lost count of the number of people that came to me for a hug, or to tell me how much I had inspired them, touched them, or even changed their lives...I don't even know what to say to that...I came into the weekend with the premise that it would have been a success for me if I had even managed to touch one person's life. I think Colin M. made one of the most profound statements of the weekend..."For every friend I had when this weekend started. I now have two more." Wow
For one of the first times in my life, I feel...fulfilled, content...happy. I had always wondered what fun people saw in doing service work and such. I feel like I've been blind to some of the joys it really offers for a long time. I'll probably never be able to pay back everything that M2L has given me...joy, release, strength, support...and 23 new best friends (and more), but I'll sure as hell try.
Wow, this has been a real cornball fest, hasn't it? So is all finally happy in Justinland? Ha. I wish, but as they say, Life is never perfect, but the one thing I've learned is that it goes on. I'm pretty much doing absolutely awful academically right now, my situation with my family is still edgy at best, I'm still a total washout at relationships, I still suffer the occasional depressive bout and there are still a lot of people that I desperately wish I could at least make peace with but I'm not sure how to start...But for now, nothing can top my state of mind. With my new found serenity, joy, and my incredible friends. I'm absolutely untouchable.
Kudos to you if you've made it to the end of this long winded rant intact. I'll leave you with these song lyrics (which I am listening to as I type) that Teresa Meier used when she delivered her talk. I think it reflects my current state of mind. Peace out kids, I love you all. 143, and a happy thanksgiving.
A Fond Farewell
by Ari Hest
My mother once told me
The thicker your skin
The better off you'll be when this world brings you down
Well it's trying to control me
And leave me without hope
In the past I've been burned
But I've lived and I've learned
Beneath the shelter of the pouring rain
In the absence of this fear and pain
I will finally bid my ball and chain
A fond farewell
On the road that leads me to my place
I will rid my heart of past disgrace
I will finally bid this sluggish pace
A fond farewell
When I heard their reservations
When I read their bitter words
I shined a light upon their wisdom no matter how absurd
And it broke my heard to pieces
And I questioned my own beliefs
My dignity was gone
But it's time to move on
Chorus
Say goodbye to feeling sorry for myself
To begging others for far too much help
This is my hand, these are the cards that I've been dealt
Only I can make these changes, nobody else
Say goodbye to those sleepless nights
Those corridors with no end in sight
A driven man with these words I write
I'm making peace with my soul tonight
Chorus
So I noticed not too long ago that I haven't made use of this thing in months. My attempt to use it as a method to record my exploits in Asia proved a dismal failure as I ended up doing too much (in too many places without internet access) to do the experience justice. Suffice to say, if you really want to know details about how awesome the summer was, feel free to ask me.
So for those of you who don't know, I was a member of the More 2 Life retreat team for this past semester (and hopefully the next semester). The retreat itself took place just recently from November 10-12. I've really got to say, I truly believe that for the rest of my life I think that I'll be able to look back on my M2L experiences as a true turning point in my life.
For ages after high school, I believed that I'd finally escaped from home and from ever having to do anything even remotely religious again (aside from having to take some stray humanities classes). To date, I've never been to a mass at UD, and originally I scoffed at the concept of religious retreats. I suppose if nothing else, I've learned the value of two things. Irony, and providence. The irony I believe is obvious, but providence is such an elusive concept. Just as a sidenote: I'm still not what you would call religious, so it's somewhat of a slippery concept to me. I first heard about M2L when Jama returned from the retreat second semester of sophomore year. I didn't really give it much thought at the time, but she seemed really revitalized after coming back. I didn't give it another thought for another year until I found myself in the counseling center struggling with my despression second semester last year. I found an application holder pinned to a bulletin board inside, and I decided to pick one up. I went to my then weekly meeting with Becky Cook (who Chris, Ingrid, and Alex pointed me to) and told her that I was considering going. She highly recommended it and told me that she regularly speaks to the retreat team preceding the retreat. I would later find out that the application holder was placed in the counseling center by the wonderful Liz Tracy, who I had the pleasure of befriending and leading with. Finding exactly what you need (whether you know it or not) from unexpexted sources exactly when you need it...If that's not providence, I don't know what is.
Hmm...so back to the present (or at least the more recent past). Leading M2L was...nothing short of incredible. I was assigned the job of cook for the retreat, so I spent more time in the kitchen than I would have liked (as opposed to getting to know the retreatants), but it's certainly something that needs to be done. At first I was somewhat uncomfortable, as I usually am in group situations, but after everyone loosened up some...wow. I'm not normally one of the most smiley people. I mean, my expression is usually pretty neutral no matter how I'm feeling. But for those 48 hours in Glen Helen, I could not stop myself from smiling. Literally, the only times I stopped smiling was then the muscles in my cheeks began to give out and twitch.
I still struggle to put to words how I feel about everything that happened. Along with my job as a cook, I also delivered a 10ish minute talk that detailed my previous experiences and my suicide attempt last semester in the form of entries from my personal journal(Zre, I'll send you that copy of the text when I figure out where I saved it). Preparing, anticipating, and finally giving that talk was possibly one of the most nervewracking experiences of my life. And the next morning, one of my magic performances in front of everyone would be a part of the morning prayer. Performance anxienty be damned. But after the fact, I felt like huge burdens had been lifted from me. And at the end of the weekend, I lost count of the number of people that came to me for a hug, or to tell me how much I had inspired them, touched them, or even changed their lives...I don't even know what to say to that...I came into the weekend with the premise that it would have been a success for me if I had even managed to touch one person's life. I think Colin M. made one of the most profound statements of the weekend..."For every friend I had when this weekend started. I now have two more." Wow
For one of the first times in my life, I feel...fulfilled, content...happy. I had always wondered what fun people saw in doing service work and such. I feel like I've been blind to some of the joys it really offers for a long time. I'll probably never be able to pay back everything that M2L has given me...joy, release, strength, support...and 23 new best friends (and more), but I'll sure as hell try.
Wow, this has been a real cornball fest, hasn't it? So is all finally happy in Justinland? Ha. I wish, but as they say, Life is never perfect, but the one thing I've learned is that it goes on. I'm pretty much doing absolutely awful academically right now, my situation with my family is still edgy at best, I'm still a total washout at relationships, I still suffer the occasional depressive bout and there are still a lot of people that I desperately wish I could at least make peace with but I'm not sure how to start...But for now, nothing can top my state of mind. With my new found serenity, joy, and my incredible friends. I'm absolutely untouchable.
Kudos to you if you've made it to the end of this long winded rant intact. I'll leave you with these song lyrics (which I am listening to as I type) that Teresa Meier used when she delivered her talk. I think it reflects my current state of mind. Peace out kids, I love you all. 143, and a happy thanksgiving.
A Fond Farewell
by Ari Hest
My mother once told me
The thicker your skin
The better off you'll be when this world brings you down
Well it's trying to control me
And leave me without hope
In the past I've been burned
But I've lived and I've learned
Beneath the shelter of the pouring rain
In the absence of this fear and pain
I will finally bid my ball and chain
A fond farewell
On the road that leads me to my place
I will rid my heart of past disgrace
I will finally bid this sluggish pace
A fond farewell
When I heard their reservations
When I read their bitter words
I shined a light upon their wisdom no matter how absurd
And it broke my heard to pieces
And I questioned my own beliefs
My dignity was gone
But it's time to move on
Chorus
Say goodbye to feeling sorry for myself
To begging others for far too much help
This is my hand, these are the cards that I've been dealt
Only I can make these changes, nobody else
Say goodbye to those sleepless nights
Those corridors with no end in sight
A driven man with these words I write
I'm making peace with my soul tonight
Chorus