Fanfic: Little Jared Riding Hood and the Big Bad Jensen Ackles [short story, PG]
I forgot to archive this! J2 crackfic, originally posted here December 8th, 2008. I'll have to write a followup to this soon.
Title: Little Jared Riding Hood and the Big Bad Jensen Ackles
Rating: PG
Word Count: ~1,500
Warnings: homosexual pairing, crack and schmoop
Disclaimer: The events depicted in this story are purely fictional and not meant to reflect on any real persons or situations. This work is meant to be a work of parody. No defamation of character is intended.
Foreword: This all started late one night after raemaxwell and I had just watched 3x05, Bedtime Stories. I was feeling silly and asked him to tell me a story about Jared and Jensen. So he did. And that's how this story came to be. In short, raemaxwell is this story's plot daddy. Blame him; I only raised this little abomination.
Once upon a time, there was a young man who lived in a British Columbia suburb with his puppies and his best friend, the Big Bad Jensen Ackles. The young man and his Jenny-bean fought monsters and ghosts and demons on television every week for all their fangirls to see. He was very handsome and everyone loved him. His name was Little Jared Riding Hood, but you see, he was not little at all. In fact, he was very, very tall, like a tree-baby. However, no one was as freakishly tall as him, so he lies and says he's only 6'4” and ends up making Big Bad Jensen Ackles look like Gimli to his Treebeard.
One day near the end of season five, Jim Beaver came to call. He rang Little Jared Riding Hood's doorbell and said to him, “Go, Jared, you must see your grandkripke at his production meeting, for he does not want to renew Supernatural for a sixth season, and all the fangirls will be very upset!”
Little Jared Riding Hood promised to use his Sammy-puppy-eyes to try to convince his grandkripke to give them another year of Supernatural, because he loves his fangirls very much and Jenny-bean will miss the dogs if they have to move back to L.A. He figured that he may need to break out the secret weapons, so he got Harley and Sadie out of backyard, fixed a basket with all his best candy, put on his favourite hoodie and they started towards his grandkripke's house.
He decided to walk instead of driving, and boy, was that a mistake. All the houses in the suburbs look the same, and he was soon lost without his own dear TomTom. Despair! He will miss his grandkripke's production meeting and all will be lost! His stomach growled at him, as if in agreement. Groaning, he gazed longingly at his basket full of gummy worms, Skittles, chocolate fudge and jelly beans. Just then, Big Bad Jensen Ackles swaggered up to him from the fair-trade organic coffee shop on the corner, carrying an extra-large triple-shot latte and a dainty cup of frappuccino with extra whipped cream and sprinkles. He batted his pretty eyelashes at Little Jared Riding Hood and handed him the girly drink.
“Thanks, Jenny-bean!” Little Jared Riding Hood beamed at Big Bad Jensen Ackles, who glared at him.
“Don't call me that, Jared.”
“Ok, Jenny-bean!”
Jensen sighed. He took in the scene before him, of a grinning giant with a girly drink in his hand, a basket over his arm, and two puppies on his heels. Jared licked the whipped cream off the top of his coffee. Jensen’s mouth dropped open and his pretty green eyes glazed over. His moved his pouty lips, but no sound came out. He cleared his throat. “Where the hell are you going?”
“To Grandkripke's house, Jenny-bean!”
“To... You're a freak, Jared, you know that?” Jensen smirked fondly at Little Jared Riding Hood. “Why are Harley and Sadie with you? And what's with the basket?”
“Candy!” Jared exclaimed and opened up the basket for Jensen to see. “I have gummy worms and Skittles and chocolate fudge and jelly beans, only I'm really hungry from all this walking and I can't eat them, because I'm giving them to Grandkripke so he'll renew Supernatural for another season. Oh, and the dogs are helping.”
Harley and Sadie barked at Jensen to assure him that they are totally helping. Jensen scritched them behind the ears until they settled down by his feet. “Aren’t you going the wrong way, Jay? Kripke’s place is over that way, through the woods.” He motioned with a jerk of his head.
“Uh… Yeah! I was just… uh…” Jared floundered, looking for a good lie. He looked down at his hands. “Oh! Coffee! I just wanted some coffee. Yeah, that’s it.” He nodded vigorously, grinning, and suddenly gave Jensen a big hug. Just as quickly, he took off running in the direction Jensen had pointed out.
“Come on, what are y’all waiting for?” He yelled back over his shoulder and the dogs took off after him. Jensen followed, shaking his head, but there was a smile on his face.
The boys and their dogs marched on through the woods. They walked and walked and walked, and it had begun to rain. It was well past lunch time, and even Jensen’s stomach began to growl. Then they saw a little cottage in the middle of the woods, with chocolate brown plaster walls and biscuit-coloured shingles and window frames that reminded Jared of liquorice sticks. He licked his lips and strode to the doorstep. Tap, tap, tap, he knocked on the wafer-like door.
The door swung open, and out peeked a small brown head. “Sandy!” Jared exclaimed. “I didn’t know you moved here.”
Sandy’s eyes widened, and she looked quickly from side to side. “Um…” She was wearing a little pink apron that had flour all over it. Jared leaned towards the door and sniffed.
“Hey! Is that pie?”
“Um… Yes! Pie! Would you like to come in for some pie, Little Jared Riding Hood?”
Unfortunately for Little Jared Riding Hood, he was really hungry and forgot what happened the last few times Sandy tried to cook, so he happily bounced inside for some pie, with the dogs and Jensen on his tail. As Jensen passed Sandy, she hissed at him like a crazy kitten. Jensen jumped back in surprise and wisely decided to give her a wide berth.
They all sat down at the little round table in the kitchen. Sandy served Jared a massive piece of apple pie and Jensen a tiny sliver. Jensen sulked but decided he wasn’t really that hungry anyway, and began to pick at it as Jared wolfed down his first slice and moved on to a second helping. A few minutes later, as Jensen was finishing his piece of pie, Jared’s stomach announced its displeasure with a loud grumble. Jared groaned. Sandy and Jensen looked up at him at the same time.
Jared was holding his stomach and moaning miserably as he remembered that Sandy’s beauty and brains did not lend to culinary prowess. He spent a mere second lamenting his pitiful state before fainting dead away onto the floor.
“Oh Freud’s balls!” Exclaimed poor Sandy, whose ex-fiancé had just dropped out cold due to her cooking. Again. “He… He must have the vapours! I have to get these tight clothes off him right this second.” She scrambled to undress the unlucky young man, pulling off his hoodie and fumbling with the buttons on his shirt, on his jeans.
Jensen is a good Texas boy, so he would never hit a girl. No, of course not. But his beloved princess’ virtue is at stake here, and isn’t protecting him the gentlemanly thing to do? Auuuugh.
“JENSEN SMASH!” He cried as he clubbed Sandy over the head with a wooden rolling pin. She promptly fell to the floor, unconscious. He scratched his head. “Huh. Well, that solves that dilemma.”
Big Bad Jensen Ackles picked up Little Jared Riding Hood… Or, at least, he tried, but Jared was much too tall. So, he dragged Jared as well as he could onto the little bed that had fluffy pink comforters and about two dozen tiny pillows. He brought Jared a tall glass of ice water and fed it to him with unending patience. When the whole glass was gone, he gently laid Jared down and cocked his head to look at the flushed skin of his throat, exposed by Sandy’s mad disrobing attempts. Jared coughed, and opened his eyes to look at Jensen.
“Jen… Kripke’s gone back to L.A. by now, hasn’t he?” Jared whispered, his sad puppy eyes on full blast.
“Yeah, probably. Don’t worry about that, Jay,” he comforted as he smoothed Jared’s hair back. Jared sniffed sadly.
“But… But the show’ll be over soon, and then we won’t be here together anymore, and Harley and Sadie are going to be devastated and we’ll miss you and… and…” He burrowed his face into Sandy’s pink duvet, too embarrassed to go on.
For a minute, Jensen just looked at him. Stared, with an inscrutable look in his eyes. Then he rested his hand beneath Jared’s chin and tilted it gently towards him. He leaned in close and told Jared solemnly, “You’re a dork.”
Jared blinked owlishly at him. Jensen continued.
“Of course I’m not leaving you just because the show’s ending. We’ll buy a house in L.A., and Harley and Sadie will run around in the backyard and jump on the bed in the morning just like always. We’ll play video games on Sundays and you’ll try to distract me with your antics. You’ll go out partying with Chad and come home happy and buzzed or moody and wasted, and I’ll always be there when you do. Do you understand me?”
Jared sniffed one last time and nodded the best he could under the circumstances. “I do,” he said, smiling a real, bright Jared smile. “Too bad about the pie, though.”
Jensen laughed. “Yeah, it is.” He fixed his stare on Jared with a renewed, wolfish hunger. “But you look good enough to eat.”
And they lived happily ever after.
And that, kids, is the real reason why we won’t have a sixth season of Supernatural.
The End
Title: Little Jared Riding Hood and the Big Bad Jensen Ackles
Rating: PG
Word Count: ~1,500
Warnings: homosexual pairing, crack and schmoop
Disclaimer: The events depicted in this story are purely fictional and not meant to reflect on any real persons or situations. This work is meant to be a work of parody. No defamation of character is intended.
Foreword: This all started late one night after raemaxwell and I had just watched 3x05, Bedtime Stories. I was feeling silly and asked him to tell me a story about Jared and Jensen. So he did. And that's how this story came to be. In short, raemaxwell is this story's plot daddy. Blame him; I only raised this little abomination.
Once upon a time, there was a young man who lived in a British Columbia suburb with his puppies and his best friend, the Big Bad Jensen Ackles. The young man and his Jenny-bean fought monsters and ghosts and demons on television every week for all their fangirls to see. He was very handsome and everyone loved him. His name was Little Jared Riding Hood, but you see, he was not little at all. In fact, he was very, very tall, like a tree-baby. However, no one was as freakishly tall as him, so he lies and says he's only 6'4” and ends up making Big Bad Jensen Ackles look like Gimli to his Treebeard.
One day near the end of season five, Jim Beaver came to call. He rang Little Jared Riding Hood's doorbell and said to him, “Go, Jared, you must see your grandkripke at his production meeting, for he does not want to renew Supernatural for a sixth season, and all the fangirls will be very upset!”
Little Jared Riding Hood promised to use his Sammy-puppy-eyes to try to convince his grandkripke to give them another year of Supernatural, because he loves his fangirls very much and Jenny-bean will miss the dogs if they have to move back to L.A. He figured that he may need to break out the secret weapons, so he got Harley and Sadie out of backyard, fixed a basket with all his best candy, put on his favourite hoodie and they started towards his grandkripke's house.
He decided to walk instead of driving, and boy, was that a mistake. All the houses in the suburbs look the same, and he was soon lost without his own dear TomTom. Despair! He will miss his grandkripke's production meeting and all will be lost! His stomach growled at him, as if in agreement. Groaning, he gazed longingly at his basket full of gummy worms, Skittles, chocolate fudge and jelly beans. Just then, Big Bad Jensen Ackles swaggered up to him from the fair-trade organic coffee shop on the corner, carrying an extra-large triple-shot latte and a dainty cup of frappuccino with extra whipped cream and sprinkles. He batted his pretty eyelashes at Little Jared Riding Hood and handed him the girly drink.
“Thanks, Jenny-bean!” Little Jared Riding Hood beamed at Big Bad Jensen Ackles, who glared at him.
“Don't call me that, Jared.”
“Ok, Jenny-bean!”
Jensen sighed. He took in the scene before him, of a grinning giant with a girly drink in his hand, a basket over his arm, and two puppies on his heels. Jared licked the whipped cream off the top of his coffee. Jensen’s mouth dropped open and his pretty green eyes glazed over. His moved his pouty lips, but no sound came out. He cleared his throat. “Where the hell are you going?”
“To Grandkripke's house, Jenny-bean!”
“To... You're a freak, Jared, you know that?” Jensen smirked fondly at Little Jared Riding Hood. “Why are Harley and Sadie with you? And what's with the basket?”
“Candy!” Jared exclaimed and opened up the basket for Jensen to see. “I have gummy worms and Skittles and chocolate fudge and jelly beans, only I'm really hungry from all this walking and I can't eat them, because I'm giving them to Grandkripke so he'll renew Supernatural for another season. Oh, and the dogs are helping.”
Harley and Sadie barked at Jensen to assure him that they are totally helping. Jensen scritched them behind the ears until they settled down by his feet. “Aren’t you going the wrong way, Jay? Kripke’s place is over that way, through the woods.” He motioned with a jerk of his head.
“Uh… Yeah! I was just… uh…” Jared floundered, looking for a good lie. He looked down at his hands. “Oh! Coffee! I just wanted some coffee. Yeah, that’s it.” He nodded vigorously, grinning, and suddenly gave Jensen a big hug. Just as quickly, he took off running in the direction Jensen had pointed out.
“Come on, what are y’all waiting for?” He yelled back over his shoulder and the dogs took off after him. Jensen followed, shaking his head, but there was a smile on his face.
The boys and their dogs marched on through the woods. They walked and walked and walked, and it had begun to rain. It was well past lunch time, and even Jensen’s stomach began to growl. Then they saw a little cottage in the middle of the woods, with chocolate brown plaster walls and biscuit-coloured shingles and window frames that reminded Jared of liquorice sticks. He licked his lips and strode to the doorstep. Tap, tap, tap, he knocked on the wafer-like door.
The door swung open, and out peeked a small brown head. “Sandy!” Jared exclaimed. “I didn’t know you moved here.”
Sandy’s eyes widened, and she looked quickly from side to side. “Um…” She was wearing a little pink apron that had flour all over it. Jared leaned towards the door and sniffed.
“Hey! Is that pie?”
“Um… Yes! Pie! Would you like to come in for some pie, Little Jared Riding Hood?”
Unfortunately for Little Jared Riding Hood, he was really hungry and forgot what happened the last few times Sandy tried to cook, so he happily bounced inside for some pie, with the dogs and Jensen on his tail. As Jensen passed Sandy, she hissed at him like a crazy kitten. Jensen jumped back in surprise and wisely decided to give her a wide berth.
They all sat down at the little round table in the kitchen. Sandy served Jared a massive piece of apple pie and Jensen a tiny sliver. Jensen sulked but decided he wasn’t really that hungry anyway, and began to pick at it as Jared wolfed down his first slice and moved on to a second helping. A few minutes later, as Jensen was finishing his piece of pie, Jared’s stomach announced its displeasure with a loud grumble. Jared groaned. Sandy and Jensen looked up at him at the same time.
Jared was holding his stomach and moaning miserably as he remembered that Sandy’s beauty and brains did not lend to culinary prowess. He spent a mere second lamenting his pitiful state before fainting dead away onto the floor.
“Oh Freud’s balls!” Exclaimed poor Sandy, whose ex-fiancé had just dropped out cold due to her cooking. Again. “He… He must have the vapours! I have to get these tight clothes off him right this second.” She scrambled to undress the unlucky young man, pulling off his hoodie and fumbling with the buttons on his shirt, on his jeans.
Jensen is a good Texas boy, so he would never hit a girl. No, of course not. But his beloved princess’ virtue is at stake here, and isn’t protecting him the gentlemanly thing to do? Auuuugh.
“JENSEN SMASH!” He cried as he clubbed Sandy over the head with a wooden rolling pin. She promptly fell to the floor, unconscious. He scratched his head. “Huh. Well, that solves that dilemma.”
Big Bad Jensen Ackles picked up Little Jared Riding Hood… Or, at least, he tried, but Jared was much too tall. So, he dragged Jared as well as he could onto the little bed that had fluffy pink comforters and about two dozen tiny pillows. He brought Jared a tall glass of ice water and fed it to him with unending patience. When the whole glass was gone, he gently laid Jared down and cocked his head to look at the flushed skin of his throat, exposed by Sandy’s mad disrobing attempts. Jared coughed, and opened his eyes to look at Jensen.
“Jen… Kripke’s gone back to L.A. by now, hasn’t he?” Jared whispered, his sad puppy eyes on full blast.
“Yeah, probably. Don’t worry about that, Jay,” he comforted as he smoothed Jared’s hair back. Jared sniffed sadly.
“But… But the show’ll be over soon, and then we won’t be here together anymore, and Harley and Sadie are going to be devastated and we’ll miss you and… and…” He burrowed his face into Sandy’s pink duvet, too embarrassed to go on.
For a minute, Jensen just looked at him. Stared, with an inscrutable look in his eyes. Then he rested his hand beneath Jared’s chin and tilted it gently towards him. He leaned in close and told Jared solemnly, “You’re a dork.”
Jared blinked owlishly at him. Jensen continued.
“Of course I’m not leaving you just because the show’s ending. We’ll buy a house in L.A., and Harley and Sadie will run around in the backyard and jump on the bed in the morning just like always. We’ll play video games on Sundays and you’ll try to distract me with your antics. You’ll go out partying with Chad and come home happy and buzzed or moody and wasted, and I’ll always be there when you do. Do you understand me?”
Jared sniffed one last time and nodded the best he could under the circumstances. “I do,” he said, smiling a real, bright Jared smile. “Too bad about the pie, though.”
Jensen laughed. “Yeah, it is.” He fixed his stare on Jared with a renewed, wolfish hunger. “But you look good enough to eat.”
And they lived happily ever after.
And that, kids, is the real reason why we won’t have a sixth season of Supernatural.
The End