Outside Man
A/N: As was stated in the summary, there are spoilers within for the series finale, Keep the Peace; pts. I & II. If you don't wish to be spoiled, you have my permission to skip this one until you've seen both parts. (Special thanks to Andorian for giving "Tom" a surname I could use.)
Outside Man
Sam Braddock rolled over in the bed he shared with his wife, Julianna, and switched off the alarm before it could sound its shrill voice. In the pre-dawn darkness, the clock's digital numbers were stark, cutting uncomfortably into his sleepy eyes like laser beams. He blinked away the after-image of the red glow, and then noiselessly slipped out from beneath the sheets. Jules did not stir, which was Sam's intent. She'd been up all night with a cranky Sadie, and the last thing he wanted to do was disturb her with his movements.
Seven months, Sam thought to himself in wonder, as he stumbled into the en suite master bathroom and flipped on the light. He turned on the faucet to a quiet trickle and pulled up the knob of the stopper to begin his usual morning shave. I can't believe it's already been that long. We're parents to a beautiful, seven-month-old baby girl. Sam shook his head and sighed contentedly. How did I get to be so lucky?
His courtship of Jules-if it could really be called that-had been filled with more than its share of bumps, bruises, and roadblocks, but in the end, the two had prevailed and had wed just over a year prior. It had been Jules' extreme pleasure to announce to their wedding guests their good news, which they'd kept under wraps until the right moment.
"We would have told you earlier, but we didn't want to jinx anything," Jules, all smiles, had said to their family, friends, and colleagues. "We're three months along. We're having a baby!"
We didn't want to jinx anything…
"Sam, we will not lose each other today!"
"Sam, get up! Get out! Go!"
"She says there's a daycare in there. There's more kids!"
"Aaaargh!"
"Jules!"
"She's gone, Eddie. She was right in front of him. Son of a bitch… Son of a bitch!"
"We need a medic up here, now!"
"Medic! Medic!"
Sam expelled a breath of air and angrily swished the head of his disposable razor in the water of the stopped-up sink. Tiny bits of hair and globs of shaving foam floated to the surface, unnoticed. Why was it that even after a year, he still could not separate the bad memories of that day from the good ones? Why did panicked, hurt, desperate voices still echo in his head and painful emotions rise to the top?
Because you still haven't healed, that's why, soldier, Sam told himself. The cuts and bruises might have healed, but you know you're not over it because you still feel guilty...
A brief, yet potent rage surged forth, and Sam shoved down the knob of the pull-up stopper with more force than was necessary. He watched the murky water swirl down the mouth of the drain with a swish and a gurgle.
We're all circling the drain, aren't we? Sam thought dejectedly, as he stared at his reflection in the vanity mirror. Just some faster and sooner than others, and that bastard Marcus Faber was somehow able to run around that day and pull the stopper on the lives of so many people he never even met.
Sam closed his eyes and breathed out, forcing himself to think good thoughts again; thoughts of his wife; his daughter. Presently, he felt strong, but tender arms encircle his waist and his eyes flew open at the unexpected embrace. His lovely wife's face was smiling at him in the mirror. He couldn't help but smile back.
"Hey, there, beautiful," he said huskily.
"Good morning, handsome," she replied in kind.
"I didn't want to wake you," Sam uttered ruefully.
"You didn't," Jules said sleepily, stifling a yawn, "my bladder did."
Sheepishly, Sam said, "Ah… right…"
Jules let him go and went about her business while Sam cleaned the sink of his shavings. He continued with his morning routine by brushing his teeth.
"Ed says the team is still really missing you at the station," Sam stated conversationally after rinsing.
"You mean you are missing me," Jules corrected with a knowing glance.
Sam shrugged. "They do miss you, though."
"Yeah, well… Even though we all know I would love to be out in the field, I also really love being home with Sadie right now," Jules said of her maternity leave. "How's Team Three doing?"
Sam dried his face with a towel before answering. "They're… uh, doing alright, considering…"
Jules sighed as she stood up and flushed the toilet. "It's never easy replacing anybody, is it?"
"Nope," Sam answered, monotone. In the couple weeks since he'd taken over the Team Leader position, he still hadn't quite settled into the role as quickly as he had hoped. "It was tough when we had to replace Wordy… It was really tough when we lost Lou… and for me, it was the worst when we had to look for someone to replace you… but at least I could hold on to the hope that you could be coming back. Team Three… Jules, they're still hurting pretty bad. They know Donna and Jimmy aren't coming back."
"I know… I felt the same way when Leah came in," Jules murmured. "I resented her for so long, even though I knew it was such a stupid thing to do. She had nothing to do with what happened to Lewis, and even tried to make a peace offering with those memorial bracelets. But… grrr… her presence just galled me all the same."
"You resented Leah?"
"Couldn't you tell?"
"Not really. You never told me."
"Well, I did resent her," Jules said, "but I got over it, and we've bonded over things like battle-scars and music and how tough it is to be a woman in a man's world."
"Hmm…" Sam said, a disquieting feeling winding its way through his gut, and came to the conclusion he'd been keeping a lid on his true feelings about his new team. "To be totally honest, Jules, I think Team Three resents me quite a bit, though they won't say it to my face." The ex-soldier gave a short laugh. "I guess I kinda deserve it, since I resented the hell out of Donna Sabine when the team chose her to replace you."
Jules looked up at Sam in surprise. "You did?"
"In the beginning-yeah. Just the sight of her made me want to throw something. I was so furious that she was there instead of you; that the rest of the team seemed so eager to embrace her. It was like they had forgotten you. I didn't want you to be forgotten or replaced that easily."
"Oh, Sam… How did you deal with it?"
Sam sighed uncomfortably, remembering his initial reaction; how he'd slammed the weight-lifting equipment and stalked off the exercise floor when Donna had appeared for her very first shift. "I avoided her whenever I could; couldn't stand to even be in the same room." Another short, mirthless laugh broke free from Sam. "And now… I'm the one replacing her."
"It's tough for Team Three for several reasons, not the least of which is dealing with the loss of two of their own," Jules commented, sidling up to her husband. "They've been inactive for months, and then there's obviously going to be some survivor's guilt… having to rebuild… having to accept you as their new TL because of the circumstances… and having to choose another new face on top of that to replace Jimmy? I can't say I'd begrudge them a little resentment, either."
Sam frowned. "Team morale is just so low, Jules. They haven't even bothered to try any hazing rituals."
"I don't recall hazing you when you were foisted upon us," Jules said jokingly.
"Oh, so going 'coffee shop' on my ass wasn't a hazing ritual?" Sam asked, feigning incredulity. He prodded her side, which was particularly ticklish.
This prompted a burst of giggles from Jules, and she grabbed at his fingers to try to get him to stop.
"No, that was Ed trying to knock you down a peg or two," Jules said, grinning at her husband. "Big, bad Joint Task Force II soldier thought he could waltz in and teach the SRU cops a thing or two about tactical entries… You were galling Ed, big-time."
"I deserved to be taken down a peg," Sam admitted. "You know, with Team One, I started to feel like I had a purpose again after my tours… after what happened to Matt. All of you-Greg, Ed, Spike, Wordy, Lou-became like a new family to me. You kicked my butt when it needed kicking, and picked me up when I was down. You put this rookie through his paces and made me feel like I belonged; like I was part of the team."
"And you were part of the team," Jules said insistently, "even when Ed went 'coffee shop' on your ass."
"I know… It's just that it's different with Team Three," Sam groused. "I'm supposed to be their TL, but instead I feel like the outside man."
"Give them time, Sam," Jules said, trying to soothe his distress. "You're a good leader. No, you're a great leader. You're tough and you're fair, and you know how to do the job. They're bound to see that."
Sam grasped Jules' hand between his and brought it to his lips. He planted a kiss on her knuckles. "Thank you," he whispered, "I think I needed to hear that."
"From an objective point of view, of course," she chortled.
"Absolutely."
Sam released Jules' hand and put an arm around her as they exited the bathroom. "I'll let you get back to sleep; you were up pretty late with Sadie."
Stifling another yawn, Jules clambered into bed, pulled the sheets up to her neck, and nestled her head against her pillow. "Love you," she whispered, "and have a good day."
"I love you, too," Sam replied affectionately, "and I'll sure try to have a good day."
He closed the bedroom door behind him as quietly as possible, knowing that the baby monitor was functioning and that Jules slept with one eye open, anyway. If the infant awoke, Jules would know about it, closed door notwithstanding.
Silently, Sam tiptoed into the nursery. Sadie was sleeping soundly, a complete contrast to her fussy mood the night before. Sam took in her soft, chubby cheeks, long eyelashes, tiny nose and mouth. The baby's breaths came evenly, and her little chest rose and fell with each exhalation and inhalation. A smile of contentment spread across his face, heart filled with joy at the miracle he and Jules had brought into the world. Their precious child was healthy and happy, developing as every child should.
At least here I can remind myself I did something right, Sam thought. He bent down and planted a delicate kiss on Sadie's forehead. I love you, sweetheart.
OOO
When he entered that morning, the SRU locker room was not the usual noisy bustle of activity and playful banter Sam had grown accustomed to as a member of Team One. He could always count on a quip from chatter-box Spike, or an energetic pep-talk from Ed, or something sagacious from Greg. There was almost always something positive going on at the start of a shift, and his former team members could begin the daily job on a high, united in attitude and mind-set.
As Sam sat down on a bench and glanced around the room, he felt his spirits sinking. Tom Grady was motionless and mute as a statue in front of a particular locker. Sam didn't even have to look to see which one; Grady made this daily "pilgrimage" to the deceased Jimmy Gallagher's locker and memorial every single shift. If the Ladies' locker room was vacant, Sam knew Tom would slip inside to Donna's memorial locker, too.
Two seconds later, without making eye contact, Grady turned and swept past Sam on his way out to the exercise floor. A hastily muttered, "Hey, man", and he was gone. Boisterous conversation and camaraderie-Sam missed it dearly. He expelled a frustrated lungful of air as two other members-Russell Morris and Jude Wojcik-ambled out from behind their row of lockers, neither one uttering a word. A toilet flushed, and Team Three member Leonard Moreau exited the stall, washed up and left for the morning workout, not bothering to acknowledge Sam's presence.
Seconds later, the newest recruit to the team, Grant Cooper, zipped into the locker room, cracked open his locker and shoved in his duffel bag. "How's it goin', Braddock?" he called.
Surprised to hear his name, Sam got up and walked around the bank of lockers to where Cooper was standing. "Uh, not bad," he replied.
Cooper was combing his wavy hair in front of a tiny mirror he'd stuck to the door of his locker. "Oh, yeah?" he said, noting the ambivalent tone in Sam's voice. "Baby keeping you awake nights?"
"Not really," Sam said. "She's been pretty good, mostly. Kept Jules up last night, though."
"But not you, huh, 'Dad'?"
"That's what the nursery is for," replied Sam.
"Sure, man," Cooper said easily, as he slipped the comb inside his locker and shut the doors. "See you out there."
"Yeah," Sam said with a quick nod. "See you out there."
Cooper departed jauntily, evidently unaware that the rest of the team was in a sulky mood.
At least Cooper's not affected by this mess, Sam thought sullenly, but unless something changes soon, it's going to rub off on him, and this team is going to start to implode. I've got to do something, but what? After a few moments of reflection, Sam decided on a course of action, and was pleased by the lift in spirits he felt at the notion his plan might bear fruit.
OOO
"Dinner was great, Jules," Marina Levin said to her hostess as she closed her knife and fork over her empty plate.
"Thanks," Jules replied, and sent a glance in Sam's direction across the table. "I had help."
Sam grinned. "She gives me too much credit. I mostly watched while she worked."
"You took care of Sadie," Jules countered. "That's just as important. I can't handle cooking and holding a hungry baby at the same time."
"You can't?" Greg Parker said, jokingly aghast.
Jules smirked. "Oh, you! Just keeping bringing the 'supermom' jokes, why don't you?"
"This was really nice, Jules," Greg said warmly. "Thanks for inviting us over. It was so good to see you and my god-daughter again."
"Here, I'll help with these," Marina said, standing up to attend to the dirty dinner dishes.
"Thanks," Jules said. "I believe there's something Sam and Greg wanted to discuss-alone."
Sam sent a grateful look in his wife's direction, and Greg interlocked his fingers under his chin, waiting for his former team mate to start the conversation.
With Jules and Marina chattering away in the kitchen, filling the dishwasher and putting on a pot of coffee, Sam poured out his concerns about Team Three to Greg.
"We're not gelling," Sam said morosely. "They follow orders just fine, but there's no connection. I might as well be ordering around a team of robots. Punch in the directions, and they comply."
Greg remained silent, choosing to let Sam work through his frustrations out loud. He didn't want to interrupt the younger man's thought processes or interject before it was absolutely necessary. Sometimes, saying absolutely nothing was the best course of action in such a situation.
"They don't even joke around," Sam sputtered, throwing his hands up in the air. "It's like someone's broken their 'fun' switch, and nobody has bothered to fix it."
"Is that how you view your team, Sam?" Greg asked softly, finally breaking his silence.
Relieved as he was that Greg was giving him a verbal response at last, Sam frowned. "What do you mean 'is that how I view my team'?"
"As broken," Greg responded.
"That's not exactly what I said," Sam said defensively.
"No, but it's coming through loud and clear," Greg stated, making sure to keep any kind of accusation from his tone.
Sam sighed loudly. "They lost two members on one of the worst days any of us is likely to see in our entire career. They're not over it, and they're shutting me out. I just-I just want things to be-to be like-"
"Like they were with Team One?" Greg gently supplied.
With a nod, Sam said gruffly, "Yeah."
"Sam, I don't doubt that one day down the line, things with Team Three are going to get better," Greg stated, leaning forward, spreading his hands on the table. "Donna learned all she could from Team One, and took the best of that with her when she transferred to Team Three. She treated them with respect and fairness, and they were a hard-working and highly successful team under her leadership. But I'll tell you, she didn't have it easy in the beginning. You know she was the first female TL any of them had had, so she had to take some time to prove herself. Right now, I think you're being too hard on yourself."
"So, what, you think this is a gender thing? Our leadership 'styles' are too dissimilar and they've got their backs up?" Sam asked.
"Not at all," Greg replied. "Do you remember how the team treated you when Ed was out of commission and you took over TL duties?"
"They were fine," Sam replied dismissively.
"And both you and Donna learned from Ed," Greg commented. "It's not a gender thing, or even a leadership styles thing, Sam."
"Then what?" Sam's frustration was about to boil over.
"You need to acknowledge their loss, and you need to let go of the guilt you feel for taking over the TL position, because I think at the core, Sam, you feel like you didn't deserve to get it, at least not in the way you came into it."
Sam drummed his knuckles on the table, lips pursed; the word guilt echoing in his mind. He recalled those early weeks when it was Donna who was filling the spot vacated when Jules had been so badly injured. Uncomfortably, he replayed how he showed his disgust with the situation by his churlish reaction to Donna's presence.
Greg seemed to have an uncanny sense of where Sam's ruminations had carried him. "Sam, I remember what it was like back then for you. You were the only one who wasn't enthusiastic about choosing Donna to replace Jules. Even then, I suspected the reason, but I didn't want to acknowledge it. I didn't want to break up the 'family' we had, either, even though it was risky."
"But Donna didn't deserve my disrespect," Sam murmured. "I gave her the cold shoulder and the silent treatment, even when she could have probably used a listening ear when she had to take her first fatal shot. I think she suspected I didn't want her there… I was a jerk, and I never got the chance to take it back…"
Greg sent a sympathetic look in Sam's direction. "You can't beat yourself up about it, Sam. It's not your fault what happened. You know that."
"I know, I know," Sam said impatiently, "but when Ed was out of commission and I took over TL duties, I knew I'd have to give it up when he came back, but I hated giving it up. Made me start to think of what I was missing if I stayed with Team One. I mean, I knew I wanted to be with Team One for as long as I could, to be close to Jules, but a part of me was champing at the bit to lead a team of my own."
Sam paused for a moment, as if carefully considering his next words.
"Then Donna got married. She said all this stuff about retiring after the wedding, and I thought: That's it. There's my chance! I could lead Team Three. I'm ready. But then she chose to stay on, and even though it meant I was still with Team One, I was…"
"Upset?" Greg offered.
"A little," Sam said uneasily. "So, you see, I feel like even more of a jerk now… Like I shouldn't be happy I get to lead a team."
Greg nodded in understanding. "Because if Donna hadn't been killed, you wouldn't be where you are now," he stated.
"Yeah. Something like that." Sam's eyes were downcast as he worked through his emotions. "I get to lead her team, along with the happiness of my married life with Jules and our baby girl, and Donna gets… what-a memorial plaque on a locker?"
Greg gave a small, sad smile. "I know, buddy. I know it doesn't seem fair."
"I guess I do have some guilt to let go of," Sam huffed.
"But don't let it handcuff you, Sam. Come clean to your new team how you're feeling. Don't keep it in," Greg advised. "And even though it'll never be right, Donna is gone. If she had even once been offended by how you treated her when she first joined the SRU, she would have made an official complaint where she would have made her concerns known. She never did, Sam; I don't think she would have had any concerns about you taking over her TL duties."
With that, Greg stood up, palmed his walking stick, and ambled over to Sam. He put a steady, reassuring hand on the younger man's back. "You're going to do great things with Team Three, Sam. I believe in you."
For the first time in a while, Sam started to believe in himself, too.
OOO
One week later…
Team Three sat together silently in briefing room number two, waiting for the shift's patrol to commence.
Sam Braddock stood at the front the room, readying himself for what he was about to say. Presently, he called for their attention, and was pleased to see five other pairs of eyes looking up at him with interest.
"This is something I should have done a long time ago," Sam began. "But I want you to know that taking over the role of team leader here has been one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do in my life. I want you to know that not a day goes by that I don't wish we hadn't lost Donna and Jimmy on that day."
Sam let a few moments pass as a couple of the guys cleared throats and shifted in their seats.
"Donna Sabine and I served on Team One together for a few months," he began again. "I'm sorry I didn't get to know her better than I could have. The truth is this: I treated her like an outsider when she joined, so I've felt it wasn't right for me to take this role as team leader on her team. This team has been through hell, but I want today to be the start of something better, if you'll let me lead you the best way I know."
He let his words sink in, watching their faces as they chewed on his confession of sorts; saw Tom Grady blinking back tears.
"I also brought something with me today," Sam said, "and again, it's something this team should have done a long time ago. Maybe before now, it would have been too painful a reminder of that day. But maybe now, it's just what we all need to acknowledge everything we've been through, and to remember with dignity and honour those we had to bid 'farewell'."
Knowing he had their full attention, Sam opened a small case he'd brought with him. "I've been through this before," he said, keeping his voice as steady as he could, "but that doesn't mean it ever gets easier. This is just a small token, but like one of my colleagues once said when she was replacing another fallen officer, it helps."
And one by one, Sam disbursed wristbands bearing the names and badge numbers of Donna Sabine and James Gallagher to all the members of his team.
OOO
Next shift… morning
Sam walked into the locker room feeling particularly unrested. Even though both he and Jules had done their utmost to comfort Sadie, some new teeth were erupting, and the baby's tender gums were causing her grief. Sadie let her discomfort be known by incessant fussing and crying throughout the night, and the Braddock parents were feeling worn out.
As Sam slowly got himself ready for the pre-shift workout, he thought he caught some snickers coming from a few of his team members behind a row of lockers. Sure enough, Tom Grady, Russ Morris and Jude Wojcik were talking about some amusing anecdote from some classic TV show one of them had been watching. He couldn't see them, but Sam was sure he was hearing comments from Leo Moreau and Grant Cooper, too.
Russ, clearly enjoying himself, said, "So then, Mr. T goes: 'Hey, wait a minute, I'm on to you guys... the one place you would never put sleeping powder, and that's in the first burger you gave me!'"
At this point, Jude stated, "Wait, why do you keep calling him 'Mr. T'? You do know the character was named 'B.A. Baracus', right?"
Tom elbowed Jude. "Don't interrupt!"
Sam smirked, realizing they were discussing a re-run of The A-Team*.
"Whatever," Russ said impatiently, "so of course, after all that rigmarole, Baracus takes the original burger he had been given, but doesn't even bat an eye at the milk he's about to gulp down!"
"So?" Jude said, not following.
"So? So?!" Russ exclaimed, flapping his arms, "he conked out! Enter Sandman! Dreamland."
"Because of the milk?" asked Jude, confusion evident.
Tom let out a snort.
"Of course it was the milk, Wojcik!" Russ muttered. "Anyway, that was the end of the episode. I brought it up because I thought it would be an excellent way to prank our new sleep-deprived team leader. You know… play the sleeping powder gag on him. I brought some pills we could crush up right now!"
Sam crept back quickly from his position. They don't realize I'm here! He thought, and listened to them start making elaborate plans to get him flustered about a sleeping-pill-spiked Iced Cappuccino from Tim Horton's, or a spiked bagel, or doughnut, or something edible.
Finally, after hearing enough of their supposedly clandestine scheming, he coughed loudly and rounded the corner.
"Hey, guys, what's up?" he said, as cheerily as possible.
"Hey, Braddock!" five voices chimed in.
"What's going on?" Sam asked innocently.
"Uh, we were just saying how we ought to do our coffee run right now, you know?" Jude answered. "I mean, you look like you didn't sleep so good last night, and that you could use the caffeine boost."
"Hmm…" Sam said dubiously. "Well, all right. Jude and Russ take off; but be back in fifteen. Any longer than that, and we might all be snoozing by then."
The five other members of Team Three sent confused yet covert looks to each other. Sam didn't miss them.
"I mean," he continued, emphasizing his words, "I wouldn't want any of you to fall asleep on the job, right?"
More uncomfortable looks as it was beginning to dawn on them that their TL was more savvy to their hazing plans than they realized.
"You heard us," Tom said, grudgingly.
"Yep," Sam said with a nod.
"Sorry, sir," Jude said sheepishly. "You know how it is… you're not properly welcome on a new team until you're properly hazed."
Sam pretended to be irate. "Really, guys? Hazing? Did Donna put up with this amateur garbage?"
"Uh… um…Well…" Tom stammered.
"Sleeping pills?!" Sam exploded. "Not only is that dangerous, but that is-by far-the absolute worst prank I have ever heard of in my entire life!"
A couple seconds passed, and the team caught the twinkle in Sam's eye.
"Guys, I'm yankin' your chain," Sam said, and reveled in the relief he read on their faces. "I expected to be hazed at some point, truly, but Donna was in Vice, and I hear they're the best when it comes to pranks. Come on, she must've taught you guys something!"
Tom Grady cleared his throat and said, "As a matter of fact…" and launched into a re-telling of an outlandish tale of some of the pranks that had been perpetrated by their former Team Leader. Peals of laughter erupted from the locker room for several minutes as Tom kept them in stitches.
They were still carrying on through the workout when Winnie's voice announced a Hot Call, and without missing a beat, Team Three sprang into action.
…And when Sam looked again at his team at the end of the call which they resolved peacefully, they were all happily grinning, genuinely united in purpose and spirit.
A/N: I realised this piece felt slightly unfinished. Here is my attempt to rectify that.
Epilogue: Empty Locker
Sam Braddock acknowledged to himself the necessity of completing one final step before he was fully able to move on as Team Three's team leader. He'd spent enough time already on the guilt-trip; had poured out his heart to Jules, Greg, and to his new team. One last person remained, even if that person was no longer present. Some would have called this approach something like the "empty chair" technique or gestalt therapy, only this time it would be more like an "empty locker" technique.
At the end of another successful shift of keeping the peace with Team Three, Sam paused outside the ladies' locker room, letting his eyes linger on the sign with the bold red letters that spelled out "WOMEN". He remembered how it used to read "JULES"- his wife's nickname. At one time, Julianna Callaghan had been the lone woman on the SRU, so she had therefore been afforded the privilege of having that vanity nameplate.
In light of his current reason for approaching this locker room, it suddenly occurred to Sam how the "JULES" sign came down only after Leah Kerns had been selected to join Team One following Lewis Young's tragic and untimely death.
I wonder why Donna never asked for it to be changed when she joined Team One and stayed with the SRU, he now pondered. If there had ever been a time Donna Sabine had requested a change, Sam certainly hadn't been privy to that request. As it was, back then he would probably have been pissed to see a "DONNA" sign instead of the"JULES" sign. He could imagine his past self ripping it down and smashing it to pieces: the resentment over Donna taking Jules' place had been that strong.
Sam knew his former Team One team mates were currently out on a call, which meant the ladies' room was unoccupied. He took a surreptitious glance around anyway, making sure no one else was watching. He sucked in a deep breath, knowing what he was about to do was long overdue. Sam grasped the latch to open the door and crossed the threshold.
He'd been in this room before, of course; he'd been there numerous times when Jules was still the only woman on Team One and they could steal a few moments together before and after shifts. He had not been in there since the day all hell had broken loose and a madman's bombs had ripped apart buildings and destroyed too many lives.
But Jules' locker was still there, waiting for her return from maternity leave. Sam stood in front of it, anticipating the day she would be back. Even though they were no longer on the same team, it was a comfort to know Jules would soon occupy this locker room again. After so many rendezvous here, he missed being able to simply walk in to see her and talk with her. Of course he would be seeing her when he got home, but it was great having her here, too.
At length, Sam turned aside. He moved on, passing by several empty lockers until he was finally in front of the one he'd specifically come to visit. A plaque adorned this particular empty locker, and Sam read the inscription, though he already knew what it would say. After all, except for the names, the ones in the men's locker room honouring Lewis Young and James Gallagher had the exact same message.
Dedicated to the Memory of
CONSTABLE
DONNA SABINE
Who gave
her life
to keep the peace.
Sam kept his eyes locked on the image of Donna. The face that looked back at him was placid with the hint of a smile gracing the lips. From an objective point of view, he had to concede that in life Donna Sabine had been an attractive woman. If they'd met under different circumstances, Sam knew he would never have had a problem with her. The fact she was one of the designated snipers on Team Three would've certainly been another point in her favour. She knew how to handle a rifle; her seeing-eye shots had saved many lives.
You were a fine officer, Donna, thought Sam. Everyone who knew you would say so… I guess that's why they fast-tracked you to the Team Leader position on Team Three…
I'm here to say I'm sorry I didn't get the chance to learn just how much of a fine officer you were; that I didn't get the chance to know you better as a person. The truth is that I didn't want to get to know you. I didn't want to have anything to do with you, because I didn't want you to replace Jules.
Donna, it's taken me far too long to say it, but I'm sorry I treated you like an outsider. I'm… ashamed of how I behaved when you joined Team One. I wish I could have taken it back, but I never got the chance. You see, when Jules returned… Donna, I admit I was relieved. I was glad Greg allowed her to come back so I wouldn't have to work with you anymore. You went off to join Team Three, and I didn't have to see you occupying the space Jules had filled.
Greg says he's pretty confident you weren't offended by how I treated you, and maybe you were oblivious to it. But that doesn't excuse my behavior. You deserved to be welcomed to the team, and I gave you a cold shoulder and stony silence.
His thoughts now skipped ahead to that fateful day-to that moment in time when Team One was helpless to do anything to save Team Three.
I'm sorry we didn't get there in time, Donna. I tried, you know… I was driving as fast as I could through all that mess caused by that scumbag's bombs. And Spike… he still blames himself, too. Still thinks it should have been him in there, for all the good that would've done. I know after all this time, Greg and Ed also feel guilty for what happened. You're missed here, Donna.
It's crazy how things work out, isn't it? That I would be the one to replace you after resenting you for replacing Jules… Transitioning into the Team Three team leader position hasn't been easy. They held it against me for replacing you, and I guess I deserved it.
"They still miss you pretty bad, Donna," Sam murmured, finding his voice at last. "It was dicey there for a while… I wasn't sure things would ever work out after that day… after that bastard killed you, and Holleran asked if I'd take your place. But I think we're past the worst of it now.
"I know I'll never be able to tell you in person I am sorry for how things turned out… that you had everything taken away from you… that I'm here and you're not… But I promise you I am going to do the best I can to lead your team. Things are already looking better, and I think somehow you're watching out for them. Watch out for me, too, okay? Help all of us to go out there to keep the peace, just like you did."
Sam reached out a hand and brushed his fingertips on the plaque, feeling the weight of guilt carried for too long slipping away from his shoulders. He turned to walk away as a new sense of peace and calm washed over him, convinced of his place on Team Three as team leader.
One last glance over his shoulder at the empty locker and Sam said, "Welcome to the SRU, Donna... Goodbye."
END
*A-Team quotes taken from the episode titled "Sheriffs of Rivertown" written by Frank Lupo, Stephen J. Cannell, and Mark Jones.